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Eric Church's "Springsteen." Man oh man oh man I love stories of misspent youth.

Feeling like a million dollars

Hey lovers!

Since Ben's season of "The Bachelor" ended, I haven't been posting on here much. I'm still trying to put back together the pieces of my life after shaggy-haired Ben picked prickle puss Courtney. Only kidding-- I could give a rat's ass what those losers do (off camera). I've been busy with a trip to Florida, a lot of writing, and a little cold. But I'm back on the 'ole blog machine making fresh, hot blogs for ya!

I want to share a quick story of something that happened yesterday that was pretty rad.

I had my weekly stand-up comedy show at Luca Lounge on Avenue B between 13th and 14th in NYC's East Village. Almost every Wednesday, I go to the bodega on the corner of Avenue B and 13th to get cash (b/c Luca Lounge is cash only), maybe buy a bottle of water, and buy chips or snacks for my show. Last night was no exception-- I went to the ATM within that bodega to take out $40 cash.

As I was typing in my pin number, I looked down and noticed that $40 was already sitting in the little tray where you get your money. Someone had obviously walked off without taking their money. Oh man that sucks. I took my $40 from the machine, but I didn't want to leave the other $40 in the tray at the ATM. So I took the $40 up to the checkout and explained to the cashier that somebody must have gone to the ATM, but walked off without their money. I asked him to hold the money because I was guessing that the person would probably come back for their cash. The cashier looked at me like I was an alien and a fool, "You found this cash just sitting in the ATM now, and you're giving it to me for safe keeping?"
"Yes," I replied. "I just could never take it-- it's not my money. I bet that person will come back."
Then I went to the back of the store to get a bottle of juice. When I walked back to the front, a woman was running in the front door and making her way to the ATM while saying, "Oh no no no- excuse me-- oh no I think I left it there..." She was wearing the uniform to a fast food restaurant and seemed pretty upset. As she moved by me, I said, "Did you leave money at the ATM?" and she was like, "Yes! I left $40 there just a few minutes ago." I looked at the cashier and he pulled out the $40 and said that I had found it and given it to him for safe keeping. The woman was elated and SO thankful. The sweet cashier was like, "This nice girl- she couldn't take it," and I was like, "No way--I couldn't take it--it's not mine. That's just not how my parents raised me." The woman was SO sweet and kept thanking me and blessing me. It was a pretty amazing exchange. Giving that woman back her 40 dollars made me feel like about a million dollars.

Boston!

Pussycats!

This weekend I'll be in Boston for the wonderful Women In Comedy Festival. You can catch me at 7pm at ImprovBoston (in Central Square) telling jokes, then again at 9pm at ImprovBoston, hosting an improv show. Radness! Come on out, if you're in Beantown!

Bachelor Ben FINALE!

Well, by now the word is out—shaggy-haired nerd bachelor Ben picked long-haired nerd Courtney and negged GOOD-HAIRED Lindzi. I guess that Ben fell in love with Courtney the moment she emerged from her limo, said, “What’s up, Cutie Pie” (barf) and awkwardly ambled toward him on that fateful first night.

The final episode took place in Switzerland and the producers pushed those scenic, mountain tops HARD on the viewers. In Monday’s episode it was down to Lindzi and Courtney, and both ladies got to meet Ben’s sister and mother. Lindzi went first and made a great impression. She’s easygoing, friendly, and sweet. Ben’s mother sat Lindzi down for some 1:1 chat time and Lindzi made some weird facial expressions, but I chalk that up to nerves. Meeting a dude’s parents is hard enough, but add a camera crew taping the conversation, and it must be hell (just like WAR, right William Tecumseh Sherman?) Ben’s sister had some chat time with Lindzi on the deck (and their standing placement was SO specific that I wondered if the production assistants had taped markings on the floor) and she asked some key questions. Specifically, Ben’s sister asked Lindzi why Courtney hadn’t gotten along with the other women in the house (Ben had mentioned that to his family). Lindzi answered tactfully, saying that Courtney conducted herself in a way that Lindzi would not have, and that she and Courtney are VERY different. I wish she’d laid it on a bit thicker, but she didn’t want to smack-talk Courtney TOO much, so she played it safe. I feel that.

That evening, Ben and Lindzi had a date, during which Lindzi’s tendency to be too cute and corny reared its ugly head once more. (Does a tendency have a “head,” technically? No—but just rock with me here.) Early in the season, I wasn’t big on Lindzi. Then she really grew on me and I adored her parents. But in the eleventh hour, in Switzerland, I was like, “Oh yeah THAT is why I found her kind of annoying at first.” At the end of the date, she softly whispered, “I love you” to Ben, like the last words of “Lady In Red” and I almost barfed up my macaroni & cheese TV dinner. (How lazy are you, if you can’t be bothered to make your own darn mac & cheese, and you buy a frozen version? About as lazy as I was on Monday night. Deal with it, readers!)

The next day it was Courtney’s turn to meet Ben’s family and she managed to fool them via bad posture and nerdy facial expressions. I was hoping that Ben’s mom and sister would be hard on her (since they knew that she hadn’t gotten along with any of the other women), but somehow they had MORE sympathy for her because of this. Foiled again! Courtney served them her same lies (“I tried to make friends with the girls, but they weren’t nice to me!”) and everyone drank the Kool Aid. Blech. Then Courtney and Ben went sledding, made snow angels, and warmed their hands over a fire in the middle of a frozen tundra—standard date stuff. That night they drank wine and Courtney gave Ben a photo scrapbook that she had made (read: the production assistants made). Courtney went back into self-pity mode (her favorite mode) and told Ben that this was REALLY hard for her, as if hasn’t been IN HER EXACT POSITION BEFORE. Oh Courtney—the world doesn’t revolve around you—it revolves around the SUN, and it does so in an elliptical orbit, OK?

Finally, it’s D-Day, which in Bach Land standards for “DIAMOND DAY” (Normandy landing jokes—what what!! I'm on FIRE with the WAR jokes today!). Neill Lane rolls up to Ben’s chalet with a briefcase full of blood diamonds and Ben picks his favorite. We all know that Ben’s mind is made up, but for good measure the producers intersperse shots of him thinking and saying, “I’ve got an important decision to make and it’s a tough one” and the like.

Ben then suits up while Lindzi and Courtney put on black dresses (SO DRAMTIC!) and hop in helicopters. It’s Bachelor tradition that usually the first lady who arrives gets dumped, then the 2^nd arrival is the proposal. I believe that only one Bachelor strayed from this format a few seasons back. Whose helicopter touched down first? Lindzi. And that means she’s going home. Chris Harrison greeted her, took her green cape, and pointed out the pathway that she should walk. But she had to walk it alone--Chris Harrison couldn't accompany her any further. It’s all so symbolic, huh? Lindzi reached Ben and she immediately began rambling, which is exactly what Ben did back when Ashley was the bachelorette and Ben got his heart broken. What is it about subconsciously knowing that you’re going home and getting a wicked case of verbal diarreah? Once Lindzi stopped talking, Ben could interject with his rejection and it was all over in a flash. Lindzi handled it gracefully—no tears, no anger. She hugged him goodbye and said that she hoped he wouldn’t get hurt. I loved how she subtly undermined his relationship with Courtney—zing it on your way out, girlie!

Then Courtney arrived and, although she typifies the competitive, self-hating woman that I loathe, I’ll admit that she picked a gorgeous dress. The elbow-length leather gloves were a little bondage-y, but she made it work (to quote my new inspiration Tim Gunn. I’m reading his book and he RULES. Plus, I got to meet him a few weeks ago when I was on “The Revolution” and he’s an absolute doll face in real life, too. But I digress). Courtney shows up, Ben gets down on one knee, and the ring gets put on the finger—TADA! Courtney IMMEDIATELY calls Ben her “fiancée” which is a horrible word that I hate, so OF COURSE Courtney loves it. Ahh well.

I didn’t watch the “After The Final Rose” special because I refuse to dedicate more than 2 hours/week to The Bachelor, but I heard that post-proposal, Ben “abandoned” Courtney, but now they’re back together. At least for another few weeks.

Thanks for reading my Bach recaps, my sweet muffin baskets. Whatever comes next, be it Emily’s season of The Bachelorette, or Bachelor Pad 3, you know I’ll be recapping. Until then—love and kisses! :)

Ben's Women Tell All

Last night was the traditional "Women Tell All" episode of Ben's Bachelor season, and our favorite rejects were back on the 'ole cathode ray tube!

The episode started off with unnecessary coverage of Bachelor and Bachelorette "alum" gatherings, where dozens of rejects get together in a Vegas night club to get drunk and revel in their D list celebrity. I'm still stymied by the question of the ages: Which group is more pathetic: Real World/Road Rules alums who simply can't let it go, or Bachelor/Bachelorette alums who can't let it go? Will civilization ever hand down a verdict via natural selection?

Finally, Chris Harrison takes us by the hand and introduces the ladies who made the cut for this special (because it's not everybody) and we see all the greatest hits:

-Blogger Jenna who had a meltdown on the first night because she felt threatened by, of all people, cheese ball Monica.

-So yes, Monica was there with her signature bad make-up, cheesy ponytail, and chintzy jewelry. I'll give her credit, though--she made a peace offering (in the form of a tampon) to Jenna, which was big of her. A sweet Bach moment!

-Most of the talking came from Miss. Pacific Palisades herself, Samantha. For a girl who had ZERO chemistry with Ben and who Ben basically yelled at and kicked off the show in the middle of a group date, she sure has a LOT to say! MAJOR props to Brittney (whose skin seems to have cleared up!) for telling Samantha to her face that she was annoying.

-Erika the creepy law school student with awful taste in clothing and the tattoo inside her mouth. Yes, that's a thing.

-Jaclyn, who I liked for a bit of the season, but whose spray tan and caustic attitude didn't win her points in this episode.

-Blakeley (infamous VIP cocktail waitress) who, I'll admit, was nice to EVERYONE else on the show. She never said a bad word about anyone and not only did she take it on the chin during the season, but even in last night's episode. My heart went out to her, but she handled herself with grace and class.

-Jennifer (good kisser, fair skinned) whose hair color is amazing. Just great.

-Jamie the sweetheart (but pretty corny) brunette nurse.

-Emily, the rapping PhD student, who I’ll discuss in greater depth below.

And of course the most recent rejects: Kacie B. and Nicki.

Kacie B. and Nicki both had 1:1 interview time with Chris Harrison, and nothing earth-shattering was revealed. They're both sad, they were blindsided, they still think Ben's great, blah blah blah. Ladies--it's OK to think a guy is terrible. Perhaps they were all saving face b/c they're on TV, but if this were a real break-up, I'd say that it's a necessary step in getting over a guy to think he's a terrible person or an idiot. I still do that with plenty of guys I've dated!

Emily (the blonde PhD student who was super spunky and America was pulling for) also got some time in the hot seat and she made a GREAT point. Chris and Emily talked about how when she tried to warn Ben about Courtney's chicanery, Ben's response was very defensive and unappreciative. Emily touched on an important realization--that the type of guy who she wants to be with isn't the type of guy who would have told her to "tread lightly" and "be careful" (his cryptic advice to Emily), but rather a guy who would appreciate her concern for him. Unlike most of the women on the panel last night (especially Jamie who straight-up offered herself to Ben "if things don't work out”), it seems like Emily sees Ben for who he is... which is a not-so-great guy who is blinded by model looks and mind games. Courtney can have him!

Then, in a move unprecedented in Bachelor history, resident Mean Girl (and member of the top 2), Courtney, appears on the show. Chris treated us to a fun montage of some of Courtney's greatest hits:

-yelling "Winning!" at Emily (cause nothing shows you're top-notch quite like quoting Charlie Sheen).

-asking Kacie how that tasted on her mouth when she had to read the Courtney and Ben date card (what does inside-lip-tattoo think about that? Did that tattoo taste bad when you had it inked?),

-waiting outside Ben's door in her robe, like a house-bound stalker,

-referring to forgiveness as, "bending over and taking it up the tail pipe." Her parents must be so proud!

Courtney "apologized" by saying that she can't take back what she said, but she wishes she could (does that even qualify as an apology? Judges?), then tried to mimic the breathing and physicality of a person who is crying or who possesses empathy for others. Good try! She admitted, in so many words, that she is only repentant because she didn't want her mean antics to ruin her chances with Ben. So you're being nice to the ladies ONLY to get the guy--look at those priorities, folks! I'm glad that the other women jumped on her and called her out. She kept saying that the "trapped in a house with a bunch of women" experience was weird and scary for her and she reacted accordingly. The women were having none of it, saying that the televised brothel experience was weird for ALL OF THEM, but no one else took it out on the other women. Also, umm... Courtney, did you never go to summer camp? Or school anytime from ages birth to 18? Those are all times where you're surrounded by others most of the time. How do you not know how this works?

Finally, Ben came out and he was looking a little worse for wear. I’m a jerk, but I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you of when Brittney said that when it came to Ben, she felt, “absolutely ZERO attraction,” and that is why she left. Love it. Anyhoo, so Ben comes out, a few of the recent rejects effectively ask him why he dumped them, and he dances around the questions. Pretty uneventful.

Next week is the final episode, mi amigos! We find out if Lindzi or Courtney get the “prize” of Ben. If US Weekly is right (and I think they are), Courtney gets the slope-side proposal and network-sponsored engagement ring. Those two horrible kids deserve each other! Stay tuned!

Storytelling

Hello friends!

I was quoted in an article about storytelling in LA Weekly. Check it out here: http://blogs.laweekly.com/arts/2012/02/moth_storytelling_ucla_royce.php

I finally got around to watching last Monday's episode of "The Bachelor." I suppose it's nice to see Courtney eat her words and own up to the fact that she handled herself horribly and she was unnecessarily mean to Emily and the other girls. But, to me, it's still reason enough for Ben to walk away. Girl is a mean-spirited sociopath and I'd prefer to date a non-psycho than a psycho who knows how to apologize. But that's just me!

Monday is "The Women Tell All" and I can't wait! Stay tuned for my recap. xoxo

Hey look! I'm on TV!

Check that WEAVE! That's me (on the left) chatting with the amazing Tim Gunn on ABC's feelgood daytime show "The Revolution." It was a super fun episode and the hair/make-up guy did me up RIGHT. I walked around with fake eyelashes, a whole face of make-up, and a dope pompadour the rest of that day. Jazzy times!

In heavier news: last night I tried to watch "The Bachelor" but my dang Primetime On Demand hadn't saved Monday's episode. LIFE IS SO HARD! So I haven't seen it yet. I probably won't get around to watching it until this weekend. I'm sorry, lovelies!