The Most Redundant Names

Boulevard Terrace (Street in Brighton, MA)

Auditorium Theatre (Theater Chicago, IL)

Epoch Times (National Newspaper)

Street Road Accessories (auto parts store in Feasterville, PA)

Diner Grill (Restaurant in Chicago)

New Comedy Short

Last week I filmed a comedy short for the great website PMSports.com. Warning: it's hilarious, but very offensive, so don't watch if you're easily offended. Seriously. Check it out here:

I've been cheating

To the THOUSANDS of people who are my dedicated blog readers:

I have been cheating on Monday nights. “The Bachelor” can’t always fulfill my needs for trash reality TV and I recently discovered another Monday night delight: “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” It’s like a combo of American Idol (if they only lip synced), America’s Next Top Model (if they had dicks), and Project Runway (straight up) and it’s amazing. So I didn’t get a chance to see “The Bachelor” last night, which is a travesty since Brad & the Gals visited beautiful Costa Rica. Costa Rica is an amazing country that I visited a year ago with 6 friends in a gorgeous house. Yes, things DID “stop being polite and start getting real” just like the opening credits to that pioneer of reality TV. (Actually, no drama really went down. We had a blast, ate a whole lotta guac, hit the beach a bunch, and generally had a fantastic time.)

But back to “The Bach” as we call it in the biz.

I can’t tell you about Brad & the Gal’s ziplining or cloud walk or hot tub parties. But I *can* tell you who got booted off and what I think of those people. I’m full of opinions, people. (Seriously--here’s a sample platter for ya: Justin Bieber: dinky twerp whose career is like a joke on the American public; the entire wedding industry: a racket that pressures families to spend far too much money on ONE day; Oracle: one of the worst computer programs I’ve ever had the misfortune of working with; Hilights when too much purple dye is used: terrible and they make a 20-something look like an old lady; Sex & the City: a phenomenal show that was edgy for its time and dealt with real, important issues like abortion, divorce, and infidelity and is now mis-remembered as being silly and about only shoes.)

Where was I? Oh yes, proving that I have opinions (as if anyone doubts that). OK. So Brad booted off two ladies this week, or so NBC.com seems to say. Who was sent home?

Alli the sporty brunette who learned that her father was a cheater late in life. She seemed cool, but she was pushing it a bit too hard and trying to make it work.

Jackie the brunette “artist” (?) from New York, NY. Similar situation—I suspect that she was a bit too creative and smart for this season’s cardboard cutout bachelor, Brad.

Marissa the brunette girl who wore a tiara in her 2^nd to last rose ceremony. The moment she even put that tiara on her brunette dome, she should have been immediately whisked from the mansion. Seriously, girl? A tiara!? A tiara on an adult is NOT cool. I don’t care if it’s your wedding (I’m looking at you, Mrs. Rudy Giuliani #3) or just a brunch in Brooklyn (I’m looking at you, crazy lady who ate next to me on New Year’s morning) or anytime. So Marissa, you were lucky to even get a trip to Costa Rica after the tiara situation.

That’s all for this week, pussycats. I promise I’ll watch next week. Until then, as RuPaul says, lip sync for your LIFE!

Another Bachelor recap

Sorry I didn’t recap last week, lovelies. I live-tweeted it, then got lazy. But this week the Bachelor and his (increasingly blonde) harem traveled to one of my favorite cities, so I gotta report.

Chris Harrison kicked off the show by informing the ladies that they’d be traveling to a location FOUR HOURS AWAY: LAS VEGAS! The girls shrieked and squealed, but I secretly hope that the actual journey from L.A. to L.V. was like in “Swingers” when they start off all fired up, and then just end up tired and bored.

The ladies arrive in Vegas and they’re staying at Aria, a new hotel on the Strip that is just down from the Bellagio, if my memory serves. They will be living in the penthouse and it’s absolutely gorgeous. Brad meets the women at the hotel, presumably after he traveled to Vegas in an isolation pod so that no off-camera flirting would go down. We learn that during their week in Vegas, there will be a 1:1 date, a group date, and the dreaded 2:1 date. Note to newbies: the 2:1 date includes one rose and one fat Heisman to the face. So somebody is going on the date and never coming back. Yikes. But ya never know what will go down on these things, dear reader. Remember when Jake “Pilot Nerd” Pavelka was the bachelor and he kinda freaked out during his 2:1 and sent them BOTH home!? There could be curve balls, people. Keep your eyes open and your mouth closed (huh?).

The 1:1 date goes to lucky Shawntel, whose parents obviously wanted a son and wouldn’t budge on the name. She’s a sexy mortician (note to self: remember that for Halloween costume next year) and we hear an awful lot about embalming and draining of veins. Yes, she almost quoted “Roadhouse” with her comment about draining the main vein. Blind guitarist Jeff Healy would be proud, Shawntel! First Brad & Shawntel go on a shopping spree, which idiotic Ashley H. refers to as a “perfect Pretty Woman moment.” Umm… have people forgotten that in “Pretty Woman,” Julia Roberts is a woman whose JOB IS SEX and who keeps what little cash she has in a plastic soap dish INSIDE her toilet. Brad and Shawntel then eat dinner on the roof of the hotel and as they walked out there, I thought they were going to somehow reenact “The Hangover.” Terrible sunburns, lost bachelors, and a cameo by Mike Tyson!? I wish. All we got was a death-chat dinner, fireworks, and smooches.

The group date is to the Las Vegas Track, as in the workplace of Emily’s dead fiancée/baby daddy. So for those keeping track at home, NBC has put Emily on a plane (how her fiancée died) AND at a NASCAR race track (his workplace). What’s next, a group date at a Medium who claims she can access the spirit world!? Will there be booze!? This date is pretty boring—everyone wears ugly driver suits and big, round hats (they’re called helmets, I know, but isn’t it more fun to call them hats?); they do some slow-mo walking through smoke on the track (wish I were joking about that one); booze and tears abound; girls wear bikinis. Standard.

So that leaves the 2:1, which will be Ashley S. vs. Ashley H., or as Brad calls them “the Ashleys” which only reifies the fact that this is a harem freak show. They watch a rehearsal of the Elvis extravaganza show on the strip and I must admit, it looked awesome. They even played my favorite Elvis song, “Suspicious Minds.” Brad and the Ashleys learn a few dance routines and even dangle over the seats in ropes and harnesses. It’s Elvis plus Cirque Du Soleil, so the use of harnesses and dangling bodies is actually pretty neat, not freaky or bondage-y. The threesome then eat dinner together and Brad sends home Ashley S. (who you may remember from the “Kiss From a Rose” date). As they show footage of her crying in the limo, talking about how she has so much trouble with love and relationships, we hear the sounds of Elvis’s “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” and then cut to shots of Ashley H. and Brad having a blast. Pretty harsh stuff.

Finally, it’s time for a rose ceremony in the Aria hotel suite. Shawntel, Emily, and Ashley H. have roses already, so they are safe. Michelle tries to lure in Brad using a strategy that resembles a prisoner-of-war interrogation room-- SEXY! Marissa appears to be wearing a tiara and hands Brad a card of what she calls “texts I would send, if we had cell phones.” How did we, as a society, become so addicted to texting that we can’t see that texting is a modern form of (very short) letter writing? Are we so modernized that we can’t simply revert to letter writing, but rather we have to phrase it as texts you have transcribed!? Just write a frigging letter, weirdo. That letter can’t save Marissa, though, and she gets sent home. Also eliminated is Lisa M, who never had a 1:1 with Brad and seemed lucky to make it this far. She had on a cute dress for her final rose ceremony, though. Chantal received the final rose of the night and I think that her drunken use of the “L word” may have been a bit too much for Brad, even with his trips to “intensive therapy.”

What’s coming up? A trip to Costa Rica and some hometown visits within the next few episodes.

Is This Pathetic?

Growing up, my family didn’t have a lot of things that most normal, suburban families did. We didn’t have permission to go to the mall or visit friends on Sundays (after morning church it was family day), we didn’t have cable TV (it was smut for which people willingly paid EXTRA), and we didn’t have an answering machine (whoever it is, they can call back). I never thought much of the answering machine situation until my peers began recording cool intro messages on their family’s respective answering machines. Your intro message set the tone. You could show that you were a hip music fan, like my friend Jothi who rapped her family’s greeting (literally with the rhymes: “We’re out now or we’re asleep, so leave your name and number at the sound of the beep”). You could show that you were super cool and didn’t give a rat’s ass about convention, like Dylan McKay (90210 original) whose intro message was the unforgettable, “This is Dylan, you know the drill.” BADASS!

During mid-year exams in late 1994, my sister Laurel and I wanted in on the intro message action. Alas, our Luddite-like upbringing left us without an answering machine and there wasn’t much we could do. Until we discovered a tape recorder on my dad’s desk and decided that we’d convince “the world” (her then-boyfriend) that we were super chill cats via intro message. Yes, we recorded a fake answering machine intro (background music and all) and played it into a phone receiver to give the illusion that our family wasn’t like “Little House on the Prairie.” We developed an elaborate scheme to make it seem like we had an answering machine, when we never did. Is this pathetic?

Pathetic move or not, the intro message that we recorded was carefully curated to show just how cool we were. After a few rings, we’d pick up the phone, place the tape recorder next to the mouthpiece, and press PLAY, at which point the person on the other end (Laurel’s private school boyfriend) would hear:

-The first few measures of “Under Pressure” by Queen & David Bowie
-LAUREL: Hey (deliberately chill). We’re busy studying for exams (get it? PRESSURE!). Leave a message.
BEEEEP

At that point, the boy would think that he was leaving a message, when we’d just be on the other end of the phone listening to him. Then we’d all hang up and Laurel’s then-boyfriend would none the wiser. She’d call him back and he’d think that our family was the kind of family that had an answering machine. Hell, he’d probably think we had CABLE, too! Plus, he’d know for sure that Laurel and I were cool cats because we had such a chill, smart, brilliantly-executed intro message.

As I write this out, I realize that we didn’t need to record that fake message then play it into the phone. We could have simply picked up the phone and delivered the fake intro message live. Either way… I’m pretty sure this is pathetic. But “Under Pressure” is a hella good song, nonetheless.

The Bachelor: Episode 3

-The Bachelor producers must have given a firm directive that episode 3 was going to be all about opening up, revealing secrets, and being vulnerable because the honesty was flowing like cheap champagne at a sorority initiation ceremony (trust me, I know these things). It was so inorganic and forced, too, which made the whole thing somewhat laughable. There was definitely a sense of, “I’m waiting alone on this couch for Brad to come over so that I can tell him about my dead fiancée/dead father/cheating father/trust issues/trauma” and it happened over and over and over again.

-The first 1:1 date of the episode was with Ashley S. I love that Brad continued to call her “Ashley S.” throughout the date and when speaking to the camera. Oh yeah buddy, you’re making such a deep connection with this girl that you have to include the first initial of her last name so that you don’t mix her up with the OTHER Ashley. I love it. Their “date” is to sing “Kiss From a Rose” in a recording booth while a sound mixer shakes his head at them. Romance!! Then Seal shows up to serenade them and they awkwardly sit in on his recording session. I’ve been on better dates to a sandwich shop in downtown Utica (with a guy named “Big Evs” no less).

-A bunch of the ladies went on a group date to film action/adventure scenes on a movie set. How much more elaborate will these dates get? Give it a few seasons, and they’ll be like, “Get ready for a group date to a sweatshop in Indonesia where you each will get 30 seconds with the Bachelor, during which you’ll make Nike sneakers together!” In typical Michelle style, she was miserable because someone else received some of Brad’s attention. Girl, are you seriously 30 years old? It kinda feels like middle school around here (minus the zits and bad hair). They have a “wrap party” (which seemed about as cool as an elementary school “pizza party”) during which they screened their awful film “Love Hurts.” During said wrap party, Michelle lurked around and interrupted other ladies’ time with Brad, which is just poor form. I know that she’s certainly “not here to make friends” (the outsider’s lament), but can’t she just be semi-tolerable and respectful of others' time? Apparently not.

-The final 1:1 date is Emily and Brad FLYING to a winery, then eating dinner in a barn filled with hay and open flames. Talk about the potential for tragedy at every turn. It seems especially insensitive of the producers to have Emily, of all the girls, flying in a plane on camera. Her fiancée died in a plane crash and she finally shared this information with Brad, since this was “what’s YOUR source of sadness?” week.

-Vampire chick is having misgivings about being in the house, since, as she puts it: a lot of the women here really NEED this and I don’t even want it. Interesting way of putting it and surprisingly down-to-earth from a girl who wears fangs for teeth.

-I must say, as I said on Twitter, it blows my mind that The Bachelor has a girl who is a (wanna be) vampire, but not a SINGLE black girl or Asian girl. ABC really needs to step up and have a bit more diversity on the show. The biggest deal was when they had a bachelor who was divorced and had a kid—GASP!

-At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Michelle told Brad that they were in the midst of their first fight. OMG I hate you so much. Are you going to play “Got You Last” next, cause that’s what the morons in my middle school were ALL about when they were trying to figure out how to flirt.

-Tons of tears throughout this entire episode. These girls must have stocked up on waterproof mascara (except for Sarah P.)

-Finally, the rose ceremony is upon us and Emily, Shawntel, and Ashley S. already had roses. In a dramatic turn, Madison (vampire girl) walked out mid-rose ceremony. As Chris Harrison would say, that’s UNPRECEDENTED! She decided to leave because she wasn’t 100% into it and I think she went on the show on a lark. Leaving is a stand-up move on her part.

-Who got the boot? Sarah P. and Kimberly. Two blondes down, which is bad for blonde-kind. They both seemed pretty bland though, so I’m not surprised. I think that if Madison hadn’t walked off, Stacey would have gotten the boot also. I love that she’s a fellow Masshole, but she needs to get some more “face time” (yes, that is the refrain of every girl on “Rock of Love”) with Brad pronto.

Until next week!

The Bachelor

Last night was episode 2 of "The Bachelor" with Brad back in the bachelor seat. You know what they say, second time's the charm after intensive therapy, RIGHT!? A few of my thoughts on the show:

-Last night we learned that if you want a quick ejector seat out of the Bachelor mansion, all you gotta do is get embroiled in some drama (Melissa) and/or misuse the word "obstruct" (Raichel). While you're at it, Raichel, how about your eliminate the spelling error from your frigging name? Thanks!

-Keltie- your hair is two-tone, and not in a good way. Your two colors scream, "Blonde is expensive and I couldn't afford to see my colorist" which I suppose isn't quite as bad as what two-tone normally screams ("Yes, I'm a part-time exotic dancer, what of it?") But there's something I dig about two tone-hair (when it's brown underneath, blonde on top). My heart goes out to Keltie because she seems like a nice girl with an awkward streak. A BIG awkward streak. Perhaps she should try STREAKIN her hair (highlight jokes!).

-Ashley H - got a 1:1 date with Brad. Pretty bland, but she was in a cute, sparkly dress.

-Michelle couldn't get over the fact that it was her 30th BIRTHDAY and she was spending it in the Bachelor house. Does she not understand how calendards work? Girl, you QUITE LITERALLY saw this coming. It's your birthday and it comes around EVERY year. Take it easy. Also, you're f-ing nuts. Your "act outs" for fireworks and your poolside rose dance were f-ing kookoopants. Oh also, Michelle, I know that you think you're really building something with Brad by asking him such hardball questions as "Starbucks or Coffee Bean?" and "What do you keep in your fridge?" but it only seems creepy and manipulative.

-Emily with the dead husband and daughter back home is a sweetheart and gorgeous. Brad should just cancel the entire show and settle down with her.

-Madison (aka Vampire Chick) is only being kept around so that the producers can edit some footage of her in a girl-fight, add a voice-over about how the "claws came out!" and top THAT with a cat scratch sound. Let's hope they get around to this soon because I'm getting sick of her.

-Stacey is a bartender from Boston. I'd like to see more of her, please. I just hope that she doesn't fulfill every Boston stereotype and get into a brawl that involves defending the honor of the Saaawx or Pats or Celts. The Bruins aren't brawl-worthy (sorry, every hot hockey player on whom I've ever crushed).

I'm almost ashamed to admit this, but I'm fired up for another season of watching jerkwads search for love on TV, while insisting that they're "here for the right reasons."