-Last night we learned that if you want a quick ejector seat out of the Bachelor mansion, all you gotta do is get embroiled in some drama (Melissa) and/or misuse the word "obstruct" (Raichel). While you're at it, Raichel, how about your eliminate the spelling error from your frigging name? Thanks!
-Keltie- your hair is two-tone, and not in a good way. Your two colors scream, "Blonde is expensive and I couldn't afford to see my colorist" which I suppose isn't quite as bad as what two-tone normally screams ("Yes, I'm a part-time exotic dancer, what of it?") But there's something I dig about two tone-hair (when it's brown underneath, blonde on top). My heart goes out to Keltie because she seems like a nice girl with an awkward streak. A BIG awkward streak. Perhaps she should try STREAKIN her hair (highlight jokes!).
-Ashley H - got a 1:1 date with Brad. Pretty bland, but she was in a cute, sparkly dress.
-Michelle couldn't get over the fact that it was her 30th BIRTHDAY and she was spending it in the Bachelor house. Does she not understand how calendards work? Girl, you QUITE LITERALLY saw this coming. It's your birthday and it comes around EVERY year. Take it easy. Also, you're f-ing nuts. Your "act outs" for fireworks and your poolside rose dance were f-ing kookoopants. Oh also, Michelle, I know that you think you're really building something with Brad by asking him such hardball questions as "Starbucks or Coffee Bean?" and "What do you keep in your fridge?" but it only seems creepy and manipulative.
-Emily with the dead husband and daughter back home is a sweetheart and gorgeous. Brad should just cancel the entire show and settle down with her.
-Madison (aka Vampire Chick) is only being kept around so that the producers can edit some footage of her in a girl-fight, add a voice-over about how the "claws came out!" and top THAT with a cat scratch sound. Let's hope they get around to this soon because I'm getting sick of her.
-Stacey is a bartender from Boston. I'd like to see more of her, please. I just hope that she doesn't fulfill every Boston stereotype and get into a brawl that involves defending the honor of the Saaawx or Pats or Celts. The Bruins aren't brawl-worthy (sorry, every hot hockey player on whom I've ever crushed).
I'm almost ashamed to admit this, but I'm fired up for another season of watching jerkwads search for love on TV, while insisting that they're "here for the right reasons."