Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Bachelorette Jojo Ep 9: Luca Brazi Sleeps with the Fishes and Chase Kisses Them

Last week we were left with a cliffhanger (Will she send home Luke? But he said “I love you”? Is that enough? Who made her amazing dress?) and this week ABC picked up right where it left us—with Jojo ready to hand out some roses in an airplane hangar.  The order was…
-Jordan (looking good in a dark suit)
-Robby (in a 3 piece suit, still looking crispy)
and finally the moment of truth….
-Chase (looking pretty hot, but still feeling a lil like dead weight).
So despite his Hail Mary “I love you” pass, Luke is still heading back to his Texas ranch solo. I think that Luke was the best guy there—handsome, earnest, genuine, sexy—and I’m HOPING that he becomes the next Bachelor because Bachelor Nation would LOVE IT! 

But first, Luke’s heartbreak.  He is STUNNED and dazed as he and Jojo walk outside to say goodbye.  I’m a little shocked that Jojo didn’t drop him moments before, back when they were outside together, ya know? Sure, he suddenly dropped the L bomb, but her mind was made up already, it seems. Jojo tells Luke that she cares about him a lot and that their relationship progressed, but she never quite knew where she stood with him, which I don’t quite believe. I think that either you’re into a person of you aren’t, and trotting out specific reasons for why it didn’t work is just hurtful because it passively blames the other person. Luke lead you down a candlelit path to a heart made of flower petals and you claim that you didn’t know where you stood? HUH?  I aint buying what you’re selling.

Luke whispers “I’m sorry,” hops in a limo and says that he feels like he just got hit by a train. Speaking of trains, on Sunday night I saw Guns N Roses in concert (Axl, Slash, Duff and a few others—no Steven or Izzy, sadly) and they played their hit song Nighttrain, so here’s that video and a message of good luck to hottie Luke.

Jojo can’t wander around the airplane hangar in tears all night, though—she’s gotta hop a flight to Thailand to hump some hotties!  That’s correct, readers, after only a few minutes of Monday night’s episode we were down to Jojo and 3 Boys, which means FANTASY SUITE TIME!!  Dava Krause and I have a Bachelorette/Bachelor podcast called The Fantasy Suite, so we were LOVING last night’s episode. You can listen to us gab here and yes, the latest episode is live!! We rule! 


Robby gets the first Fantasy Suite date and he rolls up in a weird motorcycle sidecar thing. Consistent as ever, he’s tannish/reddish, his hair is too high, and he’s wearing a button down. Jojo wears a patterned romper and today’s plan is to explore a “crazy market” but Mother Nature has other plans.  A downpour hits so the couple must make out and talk as two Thai women give them foot massages.  Holy white, westerner guilt, Batman! Robby proceeds to remind Jojo MULTIPLE TIMES that he has told her he loves her—what a non-pushy, low key, natural way to behave! I’m also not buying what YOU are selling, Robby. 

That night Jojo rocks a filmy, red cocktail dress with a thigh slit and Robby a pair of white pants (respect), grey shirt, and dark blue jacket as they talk about trust, saying “I love you,” exes, and such. As if presenting a court case, Robby pulls out an Exhibit to PROVE just how much he MUST love Jojo: A note from his father saying that Pops thinks that Robby loves Jojo. WELL THERE YOU HAVE IT!  TA DA! If the jury can’t see how much Robby loves Jojo, then I declare this whole thing a mistrial!! Wait, what?  Robby, stop pushing so damn hard to prove your love—if you REALLY loved her, you wouldn’t need to work so damn hard to prove it. Joelle (as he calls her—he really KNOWS her, you see?) and Robby head to the Fantasy Suite to test drive before they buy (too much?). The next morning they share breakfast in bed and Jojo remarks that it’s their first breakfast together (a line she’ll recycle the next morning with Jordan, too) to which Robby responds, “I told you—glimpse of the future.”  Ya know what ISN’T cute? Romantically saying “I told you so” to your partner. 

Now it’s Jordan’s turn to woo our intrepid Bachelorette and he arrives by boat, hopping off to jog through the water in his white V neck shirt and shorts (no shoes). A backpack and shoes appear out of nowhere and they start in on a hike, with Jojo dressed like an extra from The Craft in black cut offs, a black belly top, shirt around her waist. Crank up some Pearl Jam cause it feels like I’m living in 1994!! They hike, sweat, and cuddle as they make their way up a mountain then down into a temple within a cave. Jojo puts on the shirt to cover her shoulders and she and Jordan aren’t allowed to kiss inside the temple.  They sit on a blanket and talk about checking boxes (that Jordan, such a romantic!), family, and whether Jordan is “ready to commit to a future that means forever.” Joelle (can I call you that?), if you’re feeling THIS INSECURE THIS EARLY, then trust your gut and DO NOT end up with Jordan.  Granted, Robby is Satan and not a better option, but your instincts with Jordan are worrisome but probably correct. 

That night Jojo and Jordy sweat through “dinner” (Jojo in white separates, Jordan in a grey jacket and shit eating grin) as Jojo tells him that she’s scared that he’ll break her heart and he doesn’t do much to appease her. Jojo asks Jordan what the next year looks like and Jordan responds, “Tough question—I don’t know” which isn’t the answer that ANY girl wants to hear. You don’t know? How about we talk about Dallas vs. Nashville? How about we talk job stuff? Family stuff? Jojo handles his crap response with grace, saying that THAT makes her nervous and that she worries that he’ll make a decision right now and renege on that decision in six months. Jojo, girl, it sounds like the universe is SCREAMING AT YOU to walk away from this one.  The couple both admit that it’s hard to know when it’s real, when you’re in love, when it’s THE ONE and I just wanted to crank up Whitney Houston’s masterwork because yeah, how will I know?????

Jordan reads the Fantasy Suite date card and responds, “OK fine” which is a joke, but not an especially thoughtful one given Jojo’s insecurities about him.  Either way, they disappear to the fantasy suite, sip champagne, make out on camera, and then hit the lights.  Again, we are given footage of them the next morning and again, Jojo exclaims “this is our first breakfast together!” Jordan says that the fantasy suite time was “exactly everything I needed” and that they went in “a really important direction” (the direction of THE BEDROOM wink wink wink) then Jojo dons a casual camouflage dress (awesome) and heads off. 

The final Fantasy Suite date is with Chase and Jojo’s date outfit is my favorite of the episode—white daisy dukes, a white bikini top (my favorite thing in the world), and a flowy pink blouse. Chase rolls up on a scooter that he can hardly drive and before we know it, he’s holding a dead fish suspended over his mouth and being hit with fish spit—HOT STUFF!

The moment when Chase cheated on Jojo RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER FACE

They cruise around on a boat, snuggle, make out, and then have a picnic on the beach. Just before their picnic, Chase spits out an assortment of seemingly random words: sex appeal, unstoppable, feel, touch, fishermen, monkeys, fish—what is going on here!?  The pair strips down and runs into the water where Jojo straddles Chase and they make out hard.

Later that day when Jojo is back at her hotel room getting ready, Robby surprises her with a visit and tells her “I’m ready for us, I’m ready to get down on 1 knee, I’m ready for a family, country clubs and coloring books.”  COUNTRY CLUBS AND COLORING BOOKS! Huh?  Doe he mean that he’s ready to have kids with Jojo and mostly ignore them while the Country Club staff supervise the tykes so he and Jojo can sip strong Gin and Tonics poolside?  Sure sounds like it!  Jojo is friendly, but tells Robby that she’s ON a date right now and she needs to get back to the OTHER white dude who is toned and tan and she’s going to make out with. Byyyyye.

That night Jojo sports a cute blue jumper with shoulder cut outs, fuscia lip, and flowy hair as Chase says that he has fought harder than Jordan and Robby (perhaps true, but not really “fought harder” so much as, didn’t do much early on then managed to stick around somehow) and that he wants to be her man.  They head to the Fantasy Suite where Chase reveals that he’s “100% in love” with Jojo and she responds by saying “I’m glad to hear that, thank you” then leaves the room. Yikes!! Jojo explains that she’s not quite feeling the way she thought she would feel, so she goes back into the Fantasy Suite and says, “I don’t know if I’m in the same place as you” then sends him home, so as to avoid a night INSIDE the Fantasy Suite with him, which would make it ultimately harder. Good call, girl. If you’re not feeling it, don’t take that next step and make things more intense.  Jojo is weeping and Chase asks what she was missing and snaps that she didn’t even give it a chance, but dude, she’s just not that into you. You don’t need to “crack this case” because there isn’t a case to be cracked—she likes 2 other dudes more. Sayonara, or however you say goodbye in Thai.  Chase walks off (and is briefly chased down by Jojo, but girl, let him GO and cry in private), cracks a beer, and hops in a van that he dejectedly calls his fantasy suite. 

So now Jojo has narrowed it down to two men: One tanned, toned guy whose life up to this point revolved around sports and whose ex-girlfriend says he’s a louse and ANOTHER tanned, toned guy whose life up to this point revolved around sports and whose ex-girlfriend says he’s a louse. What an assortment!!  Robby and Jordan even arrive to the rose ceremony looking like friggin’ twins in their blue button downs (bad choice—pit stain city, BOYS!) and light pants.

They are practically interchangeable, are they not?
Jojo rolls up in a flowy, army green dress (which I LOVE because I love all fashion things that are army based), greets Chris Harrison (remember him?), then takes her spot and begins to tell Jordan and Robby of Chase’s departure, when who should walk in, but CHASE HIMSELF! Wah!? Oh man the producers are creating DRAMA this season and I admire their commitment to timing (was Chase hiding in a damn bush outside?) but it’s pretty forced.  Chase asks Jojo for a moment, then proceeds to apologize for how he acted the day before (solid move) and say that he’s very impressed by Jojo, he’s not angry, he still has lover for her, and that if things change down the road (you mean like a broken engagement? I’d bet my mortgage on it, if I had a mortgage), that his heart is still open for her.  It was a gentlemanly move and a good way for Chase to look good in front of Bachelor Nation (vying for that next Bachelor slot against Luke!). 

Jojo is relieved to hear all of this, sheds a few tears, then goes back to hand out roses (completely unnecessary, but whatever) to Jordan THEN Robby (why must there be an order? Couldn’t she just be like, “you both get roses!” and then they walk up at the same time?). How about a dose of socialism in the Bachelor franchise, huh? 

Jojo proposes a toast as the guys sweat through their button downs and Chris Harrison’s voice over tells us that Tuesday night will be Men Tell All, then next Monday will be the return of Jojo’s mom (get your wine bottles ready!) and the rest of her family in the finale.  Sadly, I can’t watch the Men Tell All live tonight (I have 2 shows), but I will watch and recap later this week.

What do you think of her final 2 picks? Were you heartbroken when Luke was sent home? Chase? Who do you think sucks less—Robby or Jordan?  I’m Team Jordan, but with a lot of apprehension.  It’s not that I like Jordan as much as it’s that I hate Robby. #NeverRobby    

1 comment:

  1. So hard to choose between Robby & Jordan. That's all I'm gonna say. Looking forward to your MTA recap -- and enjoying your podcast! <3