Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Bachelor Ben H. Ep 9: Fantasy Suite Nights

Last night’s Bachelor was the infamous fantasy suite episode—the night when Chris Harrison bizarrely invites the bachelor +  his lady of the night (three total!) to “forego their individual rooms” and stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. Most members of Bachelor Nation can recite that fantasy suite card text like 3rd graders can recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

Ben is in beautiful Jamaica, a country I have visited twice and I absolutely adore. Ben wanders the gorgeous vistas of Bob Marley’s homeland saying, “Jamaica has a freedom to it” which is ironic since Jamaica only gained independence from the United Kingdom in 1962. But enough about Jamaica’s pathway to freedom from Spanish and British rule and its history of slavery crossed with indentured servitude followed by a hard fought emancipation—Ben Higgins has come all the way from Warsaw, Indiana to GET LAID!

We’re down to Caila, Lauren, and Jojo and Ben roams around Jamaica in a pink button down shirt summarizing his feelings on each of them.

Caila arrived on that first night in a sparkly dress and jumped directly into Ben’s arms, setting the tone for her puppy dog-like antics for the rest of the season. Caila is beautiful, smiley, and bubbly and Ben likes it, but will she ever join him in his favorite hobby—crying?

Lauren makes Ben feel like he has a schoolboy crush and seemed like love at first sight to Ben, but is it too good to be true? Is she holding back on Ben?

Jojo is goofy like Ben (at least he seems to think he’s goofy, but I’m not sure I see it) and he feels like himself with her, but her brothers are walking nightmares and the hometown date “added confusion,” as Ben tactfully puts it.

The producers show us the ladies in their Jamaican hotel rooms and we endure SO MANY SHOTS of them staring out the water, staring out windows, staring off while sipping tea, taking deep breaths, and walking around in sexy robes. Life, huh?

Caila is first at bat and she’s wearing daisy dukes and a bikini top-style shirt for their daytime date cruising on a lazy river. The energy is awkward and a bit tense, as Caila feels weird post-hometown and with 2 other girls still in the running. They hop off their raft at a jerk chicken shack where they sip coconuts while Caila admits that she’s overthinking things and doesn’t want to ruin the mood by being the heavy. Ben remarks that it feels weird and Caila is very melancholy and wow, it seems like there is no room for error with that guy, ya know?

That night they dress up and Caila’s black separates are sublime. They sit on a couch directly behind a bonfire and surrounded by tiki torches and I am stunned that they didn’t melt. Ben dives right in and says that today was weird and she’s usually bubbly and communicative and Caila says that she’s glad he called her out (GLAD? ugh) and that post-hometowns she’s very scared and nervous because it’s very real now. She says that she has doubted every other relationship she has ever had (hear that, ex-boyfriends! EAT IT!) but with Ben, it feels right all the  time and she continues making bullet points about him that sound like dialogue, then she closes with “I’m in love with you.” Ben grabs her and kisses her, but doesn’t say it back (per The Bachelor rules) and they read the fantasy suite card together. They strip down to their swimsuits (and Caila’s swimsuit is TINY, also when did I become an old nun?), make out while fireworks go off, and then retire to the fantasy suite. 

The next morning they say “good morning” to one another about a dozen times, then sit on the patio as Caila says “love ya” way too many times.

But don’t bask in the afterglow of night 1 of humps too long, Benny boy—you’ve got another date! And it’s with the woman who you’re obviously going to marry, Lauren!

Lauren meets Ben and somehow she has constructed the most unflattering outfit of all time—ill fitting daisy dukes, a tank top made of sweater material, and a bikini underneath. They take a boat to Gibraltar Beach where they release a nest of baby sea turtles and Lauren says that this is “one of my dreams” (to open up an underground nest of tiny sea turtles? Really? I guess my dreams just aren’t specific enough). After their conservation efforts, they sit down on a tapestry and each says that the other is too good for him or her and I guess that’s cute, but also, please shut up.  They strip down to their swimsuits and another TINY bikini is in play and I wonder, do all these ladies have tiny bums? My badonkadonk just needs more coverage—is that too much to say?  Have I just alienated my small-rumped readers?

That night they attend a reggae concert (as Lauren rocks fierce peach separates) then sit down to dinner where Lauren describes Ben as “legitimately the man of my dreams” (legitimately? Seriously? Literally?) before they read the date card and opt to head into the fantasy suite.  Lauren says that she’s excited for alone time with Ben to “just be us and do us” and that she’s ready to “open up” and OMG WE GET IT! You won’t be playing Tiddly Winks in there! In the fantasy suite, Lauren tells Ben that she’s completely in love with him and—in a moment that Chris Harrison would call UNPRECEDNTED IN BACHELOR HISTORY, Ben responds that he has been in love with her for a while as well.

I was expecting an alarm to go off because THAT is against The Rules of Bach, but then again, are there any rules, truly? Aren’t we all making it up as we go along (that is, in life and love) and doesn’t ABC want better ratings each season (that is, on The Bachelor)? What ARE rules, truly? Must we abide by any social norms at all? (Can you tell that I took a lot of philosophy courses in college?) 

They repeat their “I love yous” a bunch of times, then close the curtain for love saying while love making (that phrase just made me throw up in my mouth a lil). The next morning they sip coffee and stare at each other and then Ben’s got to bounce and tell another woman that he loves HER. This schedule of “I love yous” is unrelenting!

Jojo and Ben’s daytime date is a helicopter ride to Negril (where Katie Compa and I have taken adult spring break twice) where they explore a waterfall and jump off a ledge into the water (BAD CALL, JOJO! Do you know how gnarly your hair is going to look as it dries? Take it from me, a girl who didn’t dunk my head underwater for a decade in order to preserve my award-winning hair). They sit in the water and talk about the future and upon Jojo’s confession of love, Ben says “I love you, too” which makes her start crying and ask “are you allowed to say that?” Ahh Jojo, your hilarious mother may not understand what this show is about, but you definitely know your Bachelor rules.

That night they “eat dinner” (drink and flirt) as Jojo marvels at how good it feels to hear these “words of affirmation” and then they opt to enter their fantasy suite, which is named the “Romeo + Juliet” suite (woa—double suicide as Bachelor finale? The producers really DO want ratings!). They strip down and then sip bubbly in a hot tub before closing the curtains for 1:1 time.

The next morning they nibble on fruit as Jojo tells ben “you gave me so much more than I expected yesterday” which Bachelor Nation unanimously assumed was code for oral sex, no? JK!

That afternoon Ben thinks about the choice he must make as he roams around alone and can we all agree that he walks like an absolute DWEEB? I don’t know how you “walk cool” but Ben, you’re definitely not doing it. Could all shots be from waist level or above from now on, please? Thnx.

Ben reveals that something is missing with Caila and in a move that has the producers fingerprints all over it, she immediately arrives to surprise him! She’s wearing a skirt and a pastel sports bra and she surprises Ben by coming from behind and putting her hands over his eyes—a move that should be outlawed when you graduate from middle school.   Ben is surprised and things go downhill fast.

That Face When you know you're about to get dumped

Ben is talking about how much he appreciates that she “tried to come over here” and Caila asks “are you OK?” which is—in my experience—what you ask when you think someone is pulling away and/or about to dump you. Ben explains that he’s in love with 2 women here and he simply couldn’t say “I love you” back to Caila so he has to send her home and, much to her credit, she calls him out on a few comments that sound like stock lines (truth) and leaves quickly. Good girl. I handle breakups the same way—just go. There’s no “figuring it out” that is of use to anyone. He walks her out and she furiously plays with her hair (again, I feel ya, girl—rub on your safety blanket) then hops in the car. She sits there for a moment, then gets back out (ya sure you want to do that, girl?) and takes advantage of that time to get some answers. She asks him, in so many words, if he slept with her knowing full well that he didn’t love her and he says that no, as the week progressed he felt that he couldn’t hold back with Lauren and Jojo’s confessions of love and so here we are.  They hug goodbye and in the car as she cries, Caila says that she still loves Ben, which is completely valid and very adult of her. But does this mean that she’ll be the next Bachelorette? I just don’t think that Bachelor Nation can handle such a naïve puppy of a Bachelorette for an entire season.

Soon it’s rose ceremony time because The Bachelor is nothing if not addicted to rituals. Jojo arrives in a fantastic floral dress and wedges (I heart wedges) and takes her mark. Lauren makes a shocking dress misstep and rolls up in an unflattering, low cut, red potato sack of a dress that is an odd length. 

An actual photo of Lauren's rose ceremony dress 

Chris Harrison greets each girl and wins the Best Actor Oscar as he pretends to be surprised at their confessions of love and the news of Ben’s reciprocation.  They have the rose ceremony, though I wish that Ben had given both ladies roses at the same time (his order was Jojo then Lauren, for what it’s worth) and the trio toasts to falling in love and meeting family.  

Next week is the Women Tell All and I can’t wait to see some of our favorite Bach Ben alums: Leah and her pathetic lies, Olivia and her cankles, Lace and her self improvement plan. Has Lace learned to love herself? We’ll soon find out!  


  1. Caila had a crappy date and the worst appointed fantasy suite. I am disappointed. However, she would be the best choice for the next season of "The Bachelorette"!

    1. Yeah, Caila definitely got the budget fantasy suite, though she did get fireworks. I bet that she'll be the next Bachelorette, but I'm not feeling it! I'd rather watch Jojo as The Bachelorette. Caila is just too earnest and bubbly (even though producers LOVE those qualities in a Bach). Thanks for reading, JZ!!

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    3. How long were those fireworks?! They were in the water and then inside and they were still going off. Personally, I think Caila was too good for Ben. I hope he doesn't pick Jojo only because I want to see her brothers beat him up and her mom chug champagne again.

    4. Ha!! I wish that Jojo's mother could have her own reality TV show. She is a true gem.

  2. Oh and also, speaking of Ben's walk being awful, Lauren couldn't walk in her daisy dukes either. Those shorts were so far up her crack she couldn't walk normally.

  3. Oh and also, speaking of Ben's walk being awful, Lauren couldn't walk in her daisy dukes either. Those shorts were so far up her crack she couldn't walk normally.

  4. Yeah, Lauren was definitely waddling sorta. It was bizarre. That whole outfit was painful.

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