Bach Sean Recap Ep 4: Hotties in Helmets

Last night was episode 4 of Sean's reign as The Bachelor and it had all of your standard Bach favorites: overt threats of girl-on-girl violence, waves of self-doubt, and everyone in helmets. 

13 girls remain in the Bach Manse and this week they'll be going on a group date, and two 1:1 dates.  The first date card is for gorgeous Persian Selma and has the text "Let's turn up the heat" (I'm was praying that this would indicate a live concert by Foreigner). She dresses in gym clothes (well, gym clothes for classy people--my gym clothes are a pit stained tank top, Hamilton football shorts stolen from a college crush, and a bad attitude) and she and Sean head to the airport where their private jet awaits.  Selma is loving the luxury and asks Sean, "Is this how we will travel every time?" (Not once the network stops paying, girl).  They hop in an open top Jeep and I'm SO glad that Selma's hair was already in a ponytail so she doesn't have to worry about tangling.  Sean and Selma drive to Joshua Tree National Park and I'm shocked that they find it, since it's "Where The Streets Have No Name" (U2 JOKE! Heeeyo! But seriously that album is pretty dope--listen to "Trip Through Your Wires" and skip the mid-tempo, boring "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" please!).  They are going to climb a giant rock and thanks to tricky footage edits, it seems that Selma and Sean just happened upon helmets, shoes, harnesses, and a rock with a secure rope attached to it.  Isn't that convenient!  Sean tells Selma that she looks cute in a helmet (weird?) and his encouragement motivates her to scramble up that rock so that he can stare at her rump from below.

That night they visit a kitschy, classic RV trailer park and cuddle beside the pool (because most trailer parks have in-ground pools--not sure why they left that out of "8 Mile").  Selma explains that she's Iranian and Muslim and that in her culture, appearing on a TV dating show and making out with strangers is considered trashy and will bring shame to your family. OMG Selma: Your "super conservative" family is just like EVERY FUNCTIONAL FAMILY I KNOW.  Selma's a beautiful lady and I dig her attitude! She scores a rose.

Back in the concubine cage, another date card has arrived and it's a group date for Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah, and Tierra (or as fantastic Catherine calls her, "Tierrible").  Tierra is NOT pleased to be going on yet another group date (her 3rd), saying, "I don't need no chaperones anymore!" (But apparently she DOES need an elementary school English teacher.)  The date card message is, "I'm looking for a woman who can roll with the punches," and I'm crossing my fingers that this will be an MMA cage match date.  Lindsay wonders if the ladies will be, "getting into a striped hamster ball thing and rolling down a hill."  (Is she drunk 24/7?)  As we go to commercial, the preview music sounds JUST like the music played on Intervention just as the Intervention is approaching.  (Did anyone else notice this? Is it horribly sad that I can spot the Intervention background music in a few notes? If your answer is yes, then SHUT UP!  If your answer is no, I know, right? I mean, that music is unforgettable!)

The group date activity is roller derby, a sport that I have been intrigued by since watching Drew Barrymore's fun movie Whip It (also has a great soundtrack).

I'm suspecting that Sean has a helmet fetish because there were a whole lotta helmets at the skate rink.  Amanda lies and says she has done roller derby before ("to get into the other girls heads" she says, as though beating the other women in rollerskating will make Sean give a rat's ass about her) while Tierra is thrilled that she has an opportunity to "knock some biotches down." (Who still says "biotch"? Dr. Dre uttered it first, but even whites have stopped using that outdated term.)  Sweet Sarah has poor balance because of her one, shorter arm, so rollerskating is extremely hard for her (and the fact that she's even ON this group date seems pretty exploitative--plenty of girls were left in the house).  AshLee consoles Sarah while Amanda EATS IT on the rink and busts her chin.  Amanda fell down face first and she clutches her chin in pain, while genius Sean asks her, "Where does it hurt?"  The producers take her to the hospital and Sean announces that they won't do a roller derby game, but instead just a free skate to old school jams. I felt like I was back home at my childhood hang out, Wal-Lex Rollerskating Rink (minus the crippling suspicion that everyone hates me). 

That night's after party is on the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel where Sean chats with each lady privately and the remaining girls drink and make small talk.  Tierra is in short shorts (maybe not the best call) and she is NOT friendly and won't even chat with the gals, then later wonders why they don't like her.  Amanda comes back from the hospital and she has changed into yet another bewildering outfit straight out of the J. Crew Look Book ("Here are clothes that we suggest putting together and they work in this catalog but in real life look TOO quirky and straight-up weird!").  Amanda mistakenly thinks that her injury will win some sympathy points with Sean, but her swollen chin can't cover up her shitty personality and limp hair, so I'm doubtful.  Meanwhile, Tierra picks a fight with Robyn, accuses Robyn of being immature, and says that she's not comfortable in this strange circumstance.  Robyn exclaims, "None of us are!"  (I don't know, gang.  If I had a dime for every time I'm clicking around OKCupid while thinking, "Man, I really wish that I could just be trapped in a house with about a dozen other women vying for the affections of one man," I'd have ZERO DIMES!)  Tierra loses her shit, asks a producer if she can leave, then hunts down Sean so that he can witness and be moved by her breakdown.  She tells Sean that this experience is "torture" and I hope that Prisoners Of War miss this episode because I think they might be a little offended.  Sean completely plays into her hand, showering her with affection and giving her the rose.  Did you catch that lesson at home, friends? Being a shitty, needy person will get you what you want!

Back at the house, Leslie H. scores a 1:1 date card and diamond earrings, which she gleefully states make her feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman (Leslie H's favorite movie).   Leslie, you're mixing up the successful actress Julia Roberts and the character Vivian Ward, a poverty-stricken woman whose roommate is addicted to drugs and who must sell her body to strangers in order to make rent.  But yeah, keep talking about how those blood diamond earrings make you feel like a PROSTITUTE PRINCESS! 

The next day, Sean picks up Leslie H. and, in keeping with the nauseating Pretty Woman theme, they go shopping on the playground of the nouveau rich, Rodeo Drive.  Leslie tries on dresses and can't stop exclaiming things like, "holy moly, Batman!" and "I'm super duper excited!" and "winner, winner, chicken dinner" (whatever the hell that means).  Leslie, I don't mean to sound like a WASPy school marm (though I *am* part WASP), but could you please conduct yourself with a bit more poise?  KThnxBai. After Leslie H. has picked out a dress, shoes, and a clutch, Sean says that there's only one more thing to take care of (negotiating payment for sex acts?): a diamond-studded necklace at Neil Lane (that she can borrow for the evening).  Then it's off to the Bradbury Building (classic LA! Also featured in the final scene of 500 Days of Summer, another movie with a great soundtrack) where they have dinner and talk about family.  Leslie H. reveals that her parents got divorced when she was 5 and as she shared this I was shocked that a trap door didn't open and simply swallow her (nobody talks divorce on The Bach and gets out of life alive, to loosely quote Axl Rose).  Sean tells Leslie H. that he doesn't feel a romantic connection with her, then walks her out to the street where she must hand over the Neil Lance necklace and hop in a car.  BUT WAIT, GUYS, that's not how Pretty Woman ended!!!  Sean leans on a railing in the Bradbury Building and drops the rose down to the floor below while we hear the whitest, stiffest acoustic guitarist successfully scrub any sexiness from a Sade song. 

Finally, it's cocktail party time!  During the cocktail party Tierra stomps around the house like a whiny bull with a strange forehead scar and no self-awareness in a china shop.  Robyn enjoys private time with Sean, asking him if he wants to "taste the chocolate" (to quote Leslie H., holy innuendo, Batman!) then they make out HARD.  A gaggle of gals talk about how Tierra is two-faced and manipulative.  Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie (Daniella) has another GEM this episode, saying, "I think this girl is playing the game very good."  Oh Daniella, no more talking, OK?   Meanwhile, Tierra complains to Sean that the other women in the house "have a hard time accepting me for who I am."  (Perhaps because "who you are" is a complete "biotch" to every woman within a 10 mile radius.  Just a guess!)  Catherine finally gets some 1:1 time with Sean and they go for a walk together to get some privacy (how very Jane Austen of them!), then make-out (doubtful that the kissing is very Austenian, also not sure if that's even a word). 

Finally it's time to cut down the dozen girls to 11 through an elaborate ceremony.  Tierra & Selma already have roses, as we know.  Who are the other lucky rose recipients?

-Catherine (First rose! Amazing what a walk & make-out can do!)
-Desiree (Poor Man's Katie Holmes gets more boring by the episode)
-Lindsay (In the words of my roomate Liz, "Those two are a good match because they're both ding-a-lings")
-Leslie (Now the Razorback Blonde is the only Leslie in the house! Victory!)
-Robyn (Sean likes dark chocolate AND white chocolate, but does he like peppermint bark? Huh?)
-AshLee (THAT is how you do volume at the crown, Kacie B!)
-Sarah (one arm blonde)
-Jackie (Cute redhead, still flying under the radar)
-Daniella (Busted Peaches & Cream--if she keeps talking, her days are numbered)

So who is leaving?  Amanda, the brunette whose curls always seemed like an accident and whose taste in clothes could best be described as "zany aunt who enjoys overpaying. " If lying about your experience with rollerskating and then EATING IT chin-first into the floor isn't enough to get the guy, what IS? 

Next week we're getting DOUBLE BACH!  Yes, 2 hours on Monday and 2 hours on Tuesday.  How will I ever keep up with this?  Love finds a way and I will too!  Please share any comments or thoughts below! xoxo

Check me out on VH1's Big Morning Buzz!

This morning I filmed a fun segment for the fantastic VH1 Morning Show "Big Morning Buzz."  There are two clips online.

You can watch them here and here. 

Bach Sean Recap Ep 3: Two Confetti Cannons & a Neck Brace

Bach Besties!

I LITERALLY just finished watching episode 3 of Monday's Bach and yowza that was drama filled!

The episode opened with the obligatory topless workout shots of Sean because what else are the Bachelor producers going to show--gratuitous shots of his PERSONALITY?

16 ladies are in the Bachelor mansion and things are getting more serious (that is, the gals are getting more desperate/rude).  Chris Harrison set the stage for the episode explaining that this week would include a group date and two 1:1 dates.

Leslie M. (Arkansas blonde) is the lucky lady who scores the first 1:1, so she puts on a pair of platform high heels for their daytime activity (am I the only person who feels like platform pumps are nighttime only? Does that comment make me sound the kind of lady who shops at Easy Spirit?  I DON'T I just can't rock platform pumps all day, ya know?  LOVE ME!).  Sean picks her up and takes her to downtown LA where they pass by posses of vagrants on Hollywood Boulevard to visit the Guinness World Records Museum.  Sean is something of a VIP there since his father holds the record for fastest road trip through the contiguous 48 states in the U.S. (quit bragging about your family's SUPER COOL and prestigious accomplishments, Sean!).  But Sean & Leslie aren't here just for a walk through a museum for stupid people--they're here to make their OWN record and overuse "record book" puns.  Yes, Chris Harrison has set up a station where Leslie and Sean will kiss (NO TONGUE!) for more than 3:16 to grab the record for longest onscreen kiss while DOZENS of confused tourists and paid extras look on and listlessly cheer/talk.  Sean and Leslie managed the feat, despite ridiculous awkwardness and again, NO tongue.  I assume that they had to keep it family friendly in public or something, because Bach Sean has NO problem sticking his tongue in assorted ladies' mouths normally.  As they make the record, a confetti cannon goes off because watching people practically sew their closed mouths together for 3 minutes and 16 seconds is EXCITING!

After that "activity," Sean and Leslie have drinks on the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel, behind the neon sign (because Bach producers are DESPERATE for locations in Los Angeles).  They talk about family, high school (Leslie loved it, which makes me like her a lot less than I did back when I thought she was just a Razorback who liked staring at Sean's rump), and power dynamics.  They kiss (the French kind) and she scores a rose.  There must have been a 2-for-1 sale at the Party Needs, because right then yet another confetti cannon goes off.

Up next is a group date and the 12 not-so-lucky ladies are Kacie B (Poor Man's Minka Kelly), Robyn (ballsy backflip beauty), Leslie H. (whose favorite past time includes drinking + driving--more on her in a minute), Kristy (WI model who gets uglier by the episode), Catherine (cute, part Asian girl), Daniella (was lucky to crack 200 on her SAT), Desiree (looked like a poor man's Katie Holmes this episode), Taryn (platinum hair + great arms--I believe in you, gurl!), Lindsay (wedding dress booze bag), Amanda (getting uglier/weirder by the minute), Jackie (redhead who has been flying under the radar), and Tierra (girl with a metaphorical big head and a literal gash in her forehead).

The 12 gals head to the beach where they meet up with Sean and everybody runs around with their tight, tan bodies.  Kristy the "model" channels Bruce Springsteen by wearing a bandanna tied around her head while everyone wears matching bathingsuits because a legendary show like The Bach can pull strings and score gratis swimsuits.  That's BACH LIFE!  Chris Harrison arrives to inform the crew that today's activity will be a 6-on-6 volleyball game, to which Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie says, "this is LITERALLY my worst nightmare."  Your worst nightmare is a sunny day at the beach & volleyball?  LITERALLY?  Have you ever lost a friend/family member/job?  No?  LITERALLY?  Coming in 2nd for the title of "Most Insane Quote of the Day" is Taryn who says, "This volleyball game is the most important game of my life."

The teams are red vs. blue and the volleyball is so bad it makes the volleyball unit from my 5th grade gym class look like a bunch of professionals.  The blue team wins, so the red team must go home immediately.  BURN!  You came all the way to the beach to LOSE, then get back in the Jitney.  This brings Kristy and Leslie H. to tears.  It's hilarious that Leslie H., a poker dealer, has NO poker face and lets the tears flow.  Props to my hometown pal Elizabeth Arkema for sleuthing HARD and somehow locating a mug shot of Leslie from a DUI arrest back in 2007.  If you missed this episode and want to see what Leslie H. looks like in tears, take a gander here.  

The blue team (Kacie B, Amanda, Desiree, Jackie, Robyn, Lindsay) get an evening with Sean during which Kacie hatches a plan to make Amanda and Desiree look bad and it does NOT serve her well.  Apparently Amanda is a kookoo bird (ummm yeah, have you seen her hair lately?) and Desiree thinks she's "creepy."  Kacie thinks it will endear her to Sean if she confides in him about this tension, but Sean does NOT respond well to this weird, manufactured drama.  This type of thing, historically, never works out well on The Bach.  Remember back during monkey boy Ben's season, when cool blonde Emily tried to warn Ben about Courtney and it just spelled the end for cute Emily, herself? My Bach knowledge is embarrassing!  Kacie claims that she feels put in the middle of Desiree and Amanda's "fight" but there's no there there and Sean can sense it.  Sean straight up calls Kacie crazy and Lindsay gets the rose.  Ouch.  Kacie might want to start packing up her straightening irons because I'm sure she has a BUNCH and her days are numbered.  

The next day AshLee is ready for her 1:1 but Tierra has other plans.  Tierra takes a TUMBLE down the stairs and when Sean arrives, he tends to her immediately.  He thinks she has a concussion so Bachelor producers call the paramedics, who arrive and put Tierra in a (very unflattering) neck brace and on a stabilizing board.  Tierra is NOT having it, though, and refuses to get in the ambulance.  The other ladies suspect that Tierra just wanted attention and some private time with Sean.

Finally, AshLee and Sean hop in his open air Jeep and cruise the highway, while AshLee's EXPERTLY curled hair whips around, poor thing.  My heart goes out to her--you get all dolled up and want to go with the flow, but sometimes it's just like, "do you have ANY sense how long this casual, effortless look took me to do? CLOSE UP THE JEEP!"  AshLee and Sean will be spending the day at Six Flags, which has been closed to the public, but wait--they'll be joined by TWO TEENAGE GIRLS WHO MET ONLINE AND BOTH HAVE CHRONIC ILLNESSES.  Yes, Bach became like a live action Make A Wish Foundation event mixed with an episode of Catfish.  In her pre-taped interviews, AshLee had said that she wanted to tell Sean about her adoption, but at Six Flags she's gotta shut up because nothing trumps an adoption story with a happy ending quite like two teenage girls with chronic illnesses.  The bizarre 4-some spends the day on rides and then enjoys a private concert by the Eli Young Band (WHO RULE!  If you know nothing else about me--other than that I'm a Bach addict with a head of perfect hair that I call my "weave," know that I love country music.  I encourage you to check out Carrie Underwood's "Blown Away"--it will BLOW YOU AWAY!).  Finally, AshLee and Sean have some private time during which she tells him about her adoption and brings Sean to tears.  Honestly, AshLee might be perfect for Sean.  They're both really sweet, kinda simple, and have an inordinate amount of faith in "the process" of meeting a mate on what is effectively a TV game show.  She gets a rose.

It's cocktail party time and everyone is looking beautiful except for Amanda, who is in a bold, red dress and ZERO make-up.  Girl, that look might seem fun and quirky in the J. Crew catalog, but it doesn't work on TV where the lights are bright and no one is here to make friends.  Sean has a surprise for Sarah (one arm blonde) and it's her cute doggy Leo who comes for a visit.  Very sweet.  Tierra gets some 1:1 time with Sean but she's interrupted by Desiree who is needlessly anxious.  Throughout the night there is a LOT of cutting in, which makes everyone look crazy.  Kacie is wearing a TINY, futuristic dress that looks like a leotard from Gap Athletic and again, she has too much volume at the crown.  GURL, if stirring up that fake drama doesn't get you booted, that wackadoo weave will.  Kacie tries to talk to Sean about that incident and apologize, but he's already closed off and they are disrupted by AshLee and Selma.

Before you know it, the ladies are lined up and ready for their public rejection or acceptance, but wait--Sean wants to talk to Kacie privately.  Will he ask her to please stop with the volume at the crown look?  He walks her to the front door where he gently sends her home, saying that he didn't want to put her through another rose ceremony, since LET US NOT FORGET, this is her 2nd time at the Bach rodeo.  It's a very classy move on Sean's part and a very embarrassing turn of events for Poor Man's Minka Kelly.  She handles it well in the car and doesn't cry.  Good luck to you, Kacie B!

Sean heads back to the assortment of ladies who he doesn't mind putting through a rose ceremony.  Leslie M., Lindsay, and AshLee already have roses, so they are safe.  Who scores a flower?

Tierra (ugh--1st place--Sean's creating a monster!)
Lesley H. (you gotta admit that she's even pretty in her mug shot!)
Catherine (cute gal flying under the radar)
Daniella (girl is LITERALLY a moron)
Robyn N. (corny, but cute)
Selma (gorgeous gal who wore a unique, patterned dress)
Sarah (she's taking these ladies down with 1 arm LITERALLY)
Jackie (red hair, hoping to see more of her cause she has GREAT eye make-up)
Amanda (you know that lipstick is allowed in the house, right?)
Desiree (Poor Man's Katie Holmes)

So who's going home (other than Kacie B, who's already half way home to Tennessee by now)?  Taryn and Kristy.  Taryn was a beautiful, blonde, buff lady but perhaps she wanted it too much (the catch 22 of Bach success--you need to want it and be there for the right reasons, but not want it SO much that you tip into sad territory.  It's a fine line and like many things, it involves a lot of bullshit smiling and acting casual while you're breaking down inside I ASSUME).  Kristy was the WI "model" and I'm guessing that she was just a bit cheesy for Sean (which is saying a LOT and no, me calling her "cheesy" isn't a Wisconsin Cheese Head joke, although it should be).

What were some previews from next week?  TIERRA SUX and loses her shit and I can't wait!

Little Delay

Yo yo yo Bachelor Pals!

I'm behind in my recap this week and I sincerely apologize.  I know that there are TENS of you out there ITCHING for my zingers about who was an idiot this week and who had bad hair, etc.  I had a gig last night, so I couldn't watch Bachelor live (I KNOW! WHAT THE HEEEECK!?), but I taped it.  So tonight I shall eat whatever the hell is in my cupboard (mama don't get paid 'till Friday and she just dropped a small fortune on lotion cause it's winter and her skin is feeling like a sausage casing (if sausage casings were dry, itchy, and bright white)) and watch BACH.

Then I'll stay up all night writing my perfect recap BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.  After all, without Bach, what do I have?  Just a head of award winning hair, a phenomenal personality, a posse of sweet amigos, and an apartment with cross-ventilation and lots of sunlight?  I got lost in there somewhere.  The point is, I'm late with my recap and I'm sorry.  Stay tuned! 

Bachelor Sean Recap: Episode 2

“There is literally a tornado of negativity waiting to happen” –Daniella (Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie).

Last night started off the beloved Bachelor tradition of date cards and, as Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie so ineloquently described above, it brought out more drama than your high school production of “Godspell.” 

The episode started off with some gratuitous shots of Sean working out and showering, because the only people who watch The Bachelor are women and gay  men who both live on a steady diet of wine and chiseled pecs.  Meanwhile, Chris Harrison was back at the Bach Brothel with the first date card in hand.  Who was the lucky winner of the auspicious first 1:1 date?  Sarah (blonde with one arm aka Def Leppard Drummer). Sean shows up in a helicopter because, season after season, The Bach’s producers force me to make tired Magnum P.I. jokes.  (OH, I WILL!)  Sean scoops up Sarah and they fly off while the helicopter winds WHIP the other ladies in their faces like airborne rejection.  Sarah is thrilled that she’s the first 1:1 date, especially since she has a “disability” that she explained to Sean on the first night.  He says, “I didn’t need an explanation—she’s gorgeous!”  In Sean’s world, looks trump limbs.  I understand what he MEANS and it’s fantastic perspective, but it comes off as Sean saying that good looks aren’t everything, THEY ARE THE ONLY THING, ya know?  Sean and Sarah fly to downtown LA where they are going to “free fall” down the side of a tall building.  They suit up, harness up, and slip down the side of a glass building like it’s a low budget rollercoaster.  Somehow, they manage to make the whole thing completely snoozeworthy—congrats, you two boring kids!  After their daytime activity (during which they became SO MUCH CLOSER because Bach activities are like sorority pledging in that they force intimacy REAL QUICK), Sean and Sarah change for an evening of wine sipping and soul baring.  Sarah shares the story of when she was prohibited from ziplining in Las Vegas because of her disability and somehow that justifies her need for a big, strong man to protect her (I may have missed some lines, as during said convo I was barfing into my “This is What a Feminist Looks Like” tote bag).  At the end of the date, Sean gives Sarah a rose and a kiss and she says that she feels like she’s falling in love with Sean.  Let me remind you that she LITERALLY MET HIM YESTERDAY.  (THAT is the correct meaning of “literal,” Daniella.) 

Back at the house the ladies are chilling out and it looks like an issue of InTouch that I recently bought: Celebs Without Make-Up.  Yikes!  You ladies know that you’re still on camera, right?  Put on a little under eye concealer, would ya?  Date card #2 arrives and the lucky 13 ladies who are going on a Bachelor field trip are: Kristy (WI model who apparently wears extensions—more on that later), Amanda (awkward pause who suddenly has weird skin), Brooke (Betty Boop), Lesley M (Arkansas taint looker), Kacie B., Catherine, Robyn (backflip blunder), Katie (needs curl separator BADLY), Selma, Diana (hairdresser), Taryn (platinum blonde), Daniella (Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie), and Tierra.  The card says “Let’s capture the romance,” and I’m PRAYING that this will be some sort of kidnapping caper.  

My dreams of kidnapping hi-jinx are dashed when the 13 gals load up the limos, start chugging mimosas, and arrive at a huge mansion where they all have verbal diarrhea about Sean being a prince and each of them being princesses.  They line up and Kacie B. stands at the back because she’s a senior at a freshman party, so she doesn’t want to look too eager (TOO LATE, GURL). They learn that the activity is a photo shoot for the covers of harlequin romance novels.  Each girl will be photographed with Sean and one lucky lady will land a 3 book cover deal!  What is this, America’s Next Top Model?  (No, because if it were, Tyra would have done a SUPER corny introduction and the photo shoot would take place in a cage, underwater, while swimming with bloodthirsty sharks because the premises on that show are frittity whack ridic.)  Kristy is SO excited because she’s a Wisconsin based “model” and she knows the drill.  But will her experiences from all of those John Deere catalogue shoots give her an advantage at this Harlequin shoot?  While the ladies get their hair and make-up done, we learn that Kristy has extensions, which Tierra thinks is horrible.  I hate to agree with Tierra on anything, but I do in this case.  Robyn gets her make-up done in a chair directly next to Tierra but that doesn’t stop her from talking smack about Tierra, and suddenly I adore Robyn.  We see a clip of Tierra saying that she “didn’t come here to meet friends,” and I want to shake her and say, “the cliché, overused refrain of unpopular reality TV contestants is that I didn’t come here to MEET friends, Tierra.  MEET!  If you want to be this season’s Vienna or Courtney, you’d better learn your lines!”    

The 13 gals are split up into four different looks: cowgirls, vampires, sexy, and historical.  Sorry, vampires and historical: you got the short end of the stick.  In her cowgirl photo shoot, Lesley M. (Arkansas blonde) shows some tummy and kisses Sean on camera, which immediately pisses off all the other ladies.   In her sexy photo shoot, Tierra wraps her leg around Sean’s waist but she is outdone by Kristy (THE PROFESSIONAL!) whose sexy photo shoot includes lots of touching and even implied nudity.  What kind of modeling do they DO in Wisconsin!?  Kristy lands the 3 book deal, so even if she doesn’t find love on The Bachelor, at least she found a bit of work for her (probably pathetic) portfolio.  Katie’s already bad hair has gotten even WORSE, as the hairdresser must have teased her hair for the vampire photo shoot.  Oh gurl, there isn’t enough deep conditioner in the world…

That evening at the wrap party, Sean has a lot of 1:1 conversations.  He has a nice chat with Lesley M. and they eventually kiss.  Busted Peaches & Cream further reveals just how stupid she is.  Catherine says that she’s vegan, but she loves the beef (as in, Sean’s a beefcake).  Kacie B. checks in with him to see if she hasn’t completely embarrassed herself by coming in the show a 2^nd time.  (No matter what he says, Kacie, YOU HAVE.)  While these gals interact with Sean, Tierra PUTS BACK a couple plates full of crudite like me at a wedding cocktail hour where I’m trying to eat a $75 gift and a plane ticket’s worth of shrimp cocktail and veggies with ranch dressing.  Finally Tierra gets some face time with Sean during which she says that she’s just here for Sean and she’s outside her comfort zone and that’s why she’s a Mean Girl Biddy, blah blah blah. Katie (horrible hair) has a chat with Kacie B. (Poor Man’s Minka Kelly, who might get renamed Pledge Mom, if she keeps this up) about how to handle life in the Bachelor house.  Katie says that she’d rather retreat than compete, and I relate to her with that instinct (though I CANNOT relate to that hair—goodness it gets puffier by the minute! Does she not travel with spray-in conditioner? COME ON!).  Katie tells Sean that she wants to leave, so he walks her out.  I just pray that she finds the conditioner that she so badly needs.  At the close of the party, Kacie B. gets the rose for willingly putting herself through this Bach madness 2x. 

Date #3 is a 1:1 of Sean and Desiree (wedding stylist, brown hair) and it’s a “funny, innocent prank” during which Sean and Desiree visit an art exhibit and then Desiree is blamed for shattering a $1.5 million statue.  SHEER HILARITY!  I won’t bore you with the details of this Jamie Kennedy Experiment-style lameness, but Desiree stands there awkwardly as the prank plays out and she just smiles throughout, which somehow proves to Sean that she must have a great sense of humor.  Sean says that he wants a woman with personality and that “part of that personality should entail a sense of humor,” and we quickly learn that part of Sean’s personality doesn’t “entail” a sense of what the word “entail” means.

After the art gallery prank, Sean and Desiree head to Sean’s house where they eat steak and then immediately get into their swimsuits because somehow food bellies don’t exist in Bach Land.  They sit in the jacuzzi and spout off pronouncements about the meaning of love and marriage before moving over to the pool where they make out HARD.  He gives her the rose and says that he likes Desiree because she’s “weird and goofy.” Let me tell you, sweet pussycats, weird and goofy NEVER win the day in Bach Land.  Remember fatass Bachelor Bob’s season?  He chose the gorgeous Estella over the funny and weird Kelly Jo.  In Bachelor world, looks trump all (limbs AND personality). 

Finally, it’s cocktail party and rose ceremony time.  Sarah, Kacie B. and Desiree already have roses, so they can chill at the cocktail party and focus on drinking enough to make competitive dating seem OK.  The other ladies don’t have that luxury, so they are in hard core flirt and talk mode.  Lindsay (girl who arrived shitfaced and in a wedding dress on opening night) jumped on Sean to prove that she’s not an alcoholic runaway bride.  She was dressed in a half white, half black dress that looked just like those weird 1980s professional lip synchers who would dress as 2 different characters simultaneously, with hair, make-up and clothing completely different from one side to another (do you know what I mean?  Was that a lot of explanation for a completely odd reference?).  She reveals that she LOVES family, JUST LIKE SEAN!  OMG so much in common, guys!  We both breathe in oxygen and OUT carbon dioxide!  Stop the show—we found our winner!

Amanda (super smiley) is getting weirder by the minute and the other women in the house are creeped out by her.  Not only is her yellow dress with shoulder flowers ATROTIOUS, but her hair is an awful faux beach curl that looks like a mistake AND she appears to be drunk and disoriented/pissed.  Robyn has some 1:1 time with Sean at the cocktail party and she asks him flat out if he is attracted to black women.  I give her credit for being so gutsy.  Sean responds that his last girlfriend was black and that he is open to all races, which I’m sure made Bach producers happy since they have been battling lawsuits alleging that The Bachelor isn’t diverse enough.  It’s great to see a bit more diversity this season, but that house is still white as hell.  Selma has some face time with Sean and teaches him a phrase in Arabic because this cocktail party is like a producer’s dream as far as proof of diversity.  Amanda mopes around until Sean asks her to chat, when she lights up like Guy Smiley and turns on the charm.  Blech.  Meanwhile, Kacie B. is counseling some younger gals while wearing a tan dress that exactly matches her skin (as you all know, a look that I detest) with her hair in a ½ up, ½ down style that features WAY too much volume at the crown.  I didn’t think that was possible, either. 

Before you know it, it’s time to line up the ladies for the ‘ole flower hand-out.  Two ladies will be going home, but who is safe?  The roses are doled out to…

-AshLee (professional organizer who wasn’t invited on any dates this week, so I assume the Bachelor mansion has been completely organized by now)

-Lindsay (wedding dress is moving up in the world!)

-Robyn (being gutsy and gorgeous pays off!)

-Jackie (reddish hair, no dates this week either)

-Lesley M. (Arkansas blonde)

-Selma (like a gorgeous, human Rosetta Stone language learning tool)  

-Catherine (she’s vegan but looks like a normal!)

-Kristy (WI model whose day rate just DOUBLED thanks to those book covers)

-Lesley H (cute black girl who wasn’t invited on any dates this week, so expect more of her next week)

-Tierra (Aww snap guess who is eating a little HUMBLE PIE!)

-Taryn (light blonde who is looking GREAT with some Bump Its in her hair)

-Daniella (Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie, who ironically isn’t smart enough to have a professional resume as extensive as Barbie’s)

-Amanda (Batman villain Two Face, but with the inability to master a uniform curl)

So who’s taking the limo ride to Loserville?

-Brooke (Betty Boop who was looking GORGEOUS at the rose ceremony but I think she’s too sensual for Sean)

-Diana (hairdresser single mom)

Overall, not a shocking elimination.  What’s in store next week?  Looks like a group date at an amusement park, a kissing contest, and Tierra in a neck brace.  Apparently she didn’t come here to “meet” friends, but she did come here to fall down the stairs and then blame her own clumsiness on her non-friends.  Stay tuned! 

Bachelor Sean Recap: Episode 1

Sweet pussycats!

Last night was like my own personal Christmas, if the gifts that Santa brought took the form of tipsy, ballgown-clad single gals shamelessly flirting with a blonde Ken doll who was sure that their drunken antics were all part of God’s plan for him.  Hell to the yes, here we go again!  Last night was the inaugural episode of Sean Lowe’s season as the bachelor and it did not disappoint!  In the season preview, we saw footage of girls in bikinis, roller derby, ambulances, and a MedEvac removal!  LOVE IS IN THE AIR! 

Let’s start at the beginning, though: Sean Lowe.  You must remember Sean as the guy who made it to the final 3 in (gorgeous, blonde) Emily Maynard’s season. Read my recap of that here.  Sean’s a 29 year old Texan who is HOT, buff, and blonde but a bit of a cheesedick simpleton.  Can’t win ‘em all.   

We were treated to a montage of Sean working out shirtless and once he finished lifting, who came knocking on his door but Arie, the dude who was in the top 2 of the Emily Maynard’s Bachelorette season.  Arie STILL inexplicably appears to have JUST recovered form a horrible flu, which is how he looked throughout Emily’s season, though his good kissing made up for the fact that he resembled a race car driving zombie.  Sean & Arie are great pals because they both got negged by the same woman (what better a foundation for friendship than shared rejection?)  In the most scripted, producer-forced scene EVER, we watched Arie give Sean some advice about how to be a good kisser.  Or maybe that’s when I switched from The Bachelor to the channel playing reruns of The Wonder Years.  Sean soaks in the kissing tips (only about 15 years too late!) from a guy who MUST be a good kisser, since his body is probably TERRIBLE, given that his favorite “sport” is driving, so he needs to have SOME appeal. 

Then the sun sets and we’re at the bachelor mansion, where beloved, inveterate Bachelor franchise host Chris Harrison (himself now a Bachelor—HEYO!) is waiting to greet Sean.  We are treated to a sneak peak of some of the ladies, and there are some characters: 

-Desiree is a brunette bridal stylist from LA.  She tries on a wedding dress, which feels a bit bonkers, but overall I get a good vibe from her.

-Tierra is a 24 year old brunette from Colorado who wears a cross pendant horizontally, which seems like the religious version of flying an American flag upside down as a sign of duress.  As I’ve said before, I’m all for wearing symbols of your faith, but I’ve never seen a cross worn horizontally—is that a thing?  Tierra refers to Sean as her “future hubby” and with that, I loathed her. 

-Robyn is a quirky engineer from Houston TX who likes stretching and flips. Save that tidbit for later.

-Diana is a single mother of 2 from Utah who owns her own salon (and has dope light brown hair with blonde highlights to prove it).  She seems normal—how did she get mixed up in this Bachelor business!?!?

-Sarah is blonde, cute, 26, from LA and has one arm.  Yes.  As I told my Bach vieweing mates, “Well, I can’t make fun of her.”  (Not even a joke about Rick Allen, Def Leppard’s one armed drummer? NO!)

-Ashley P. is from MI and cute, but obviously made the mistake of telling the producers that she liked the book 50 SHADES OF GREY and they ran with it (presumably because she lacks a real personality).  Ashley explained that she wants Sean to rip off her clothes and spank her.  Apparently she has no idea what Sean’s like.  Good luck, weirdo!

-Leslie is blonde and a native Arkansan, which makes me love her immediately.  I have a lot of wonderful family in Searcy, AR and I’m glad we have some Razorback representation in the Bach house.

-Kristy is a “model” based in Wisconsin (so we can assume that her “modeling career” involves posing in quarterly dairy catalogues) who insists that the other women will be jealous of her.  Ohh, it’s the token woman who hates other women.  There’s always one (or two—cough—Tierra--cough).  You’re hiding your insecurity so well, Kristy!

-AshLee is a light brown haired professional organizer (which is a job that definitely SOUNDS like a joke, but isn’t.  Props to my pal Carrie Gravenson who owns a professional organizing company!)  She's pretty & very sweet. 

Before we know it, the sneak peak clips are over and the limos are pulling up!  25 open back dresses aren't going to flirt with themselves--let's get it going!  

The limos begin rolling in and we meet all 25: 

-AshLee: the professional organizer was in a KNOCKOUT red dress with fantastic (brown) hair. She started things strong (though my viewing mates suspect that she thinks she doesn't deserve love.  What is this, Freud class?)  

-Jackie: long, red/brown hair from FL and porcelain skin. Looking good, and she gives Sean a kiss on the cheek and leaves a bright lipstick mark. Cute. 

-Selma: gorgeous, raven haired beauty in a black, mermaid cut gown (my fave).  She pulls a napkin out of her boobs and wipes Sean's face with it.  Smells like sweaty breasts!

-Leslie: a light skinned black girl who is a poker dealer and seems to have a quick, fun personality.  She says "holy Toledo" and "Mr. McSteamy" upon meeting Sean, which is cute, but a bit awkward. 

-Daniella: a "commercial casting associate" (umm... unemployed?) from CA who my viewing mates promptly nicknamed "Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie."  She forces Sean to do a "handshake" that's more like a hand jive, because apparently Daniella learned everything she needed to know about flirting during Girl Scout camp. 

-Kelly: an overly bronzed, bottle blonde cruise ship entertainer from Tennessee.  Good Lord. She breaks out in a song about "Sean and Kelly" while Sean shares a wicked case of dumb chills with America.  

-Katie: a curly-haired brunette who needs someone to tell her that after she conditions her hair, she should use a wide-toothed comb in the shower, and then NOT TOUCH the curls.  Also, she's a yoga instructor and arrived barefoot.  Barf! 

-Ashley P: 50 SHADES OF HEEEEEY is here and she's got a trick up her sleeve (and by "trick" I mean "man's tie" and by "sleeve" I mean "dress.")  She immediately starts talking books, then she pulls the tie out of her bra and makes a joke, to which Sean responds, "I'm guessing I know the symbolism of this?"  Girl, stop stuffing your bra with men's ties (they do NOT make your boobs look bigger--TRUST ME, I'm an A cup) and stop assuming that Sean reads books.  The only book Sean reads is the manual to his Bow Flex (and probably The Bible). 

-Taryn: she's a light blonde health club manager and she's got the dope guns to prove it!  I like her right away--she has a cute, blue dress and an interesting side braid thing going on.  Nice. 

-Catherine: she's a dark haired gal from Seattle and appears to be part Asian.  Super pretty and nice.

-Robyn: the spunky engineer from before decides to backflip her way into the house, but takes a SPILL on the 2nd flip.  Oh gurl.  I haven't seen a Bach entrance that bad since Stevie, the professional Party MC arrived on Emily's season of The Bachelorette and came in carrying a boom box so that he'd have jams to accompany his DANCE.  YES! Take a spin down that Memory Lane here.  Robyn recovers and although she's a bit awkward, she's sweet. 

-Lacey: super blonde in a silver dress who tells Sean that her friends call her "Lace" ( your friends are AMAZING at making up nicknames), so she gives Sean a lace heart. Lacey, you should get some lowlights to break up the uniformity of your blonde.  Just sayin' 

-Paige: a brunette in a blue dress who operates the JumboTron (rad job) and was on Bachelor Pad 3.  Huh.  That's weird.  Stay tuned on her. 

-Tierra: a gorgeous brunette in platform heels and a layered dress (she removed the horizontal cross for the big night).  Apparently Sean is a sucker for open heart tattoos on ring fingers, because after she shows him that, he RUNS into the house and grabs a rose for her. It's amazing when you can watch the precise MOMENT when a person becomes insufferable.

-Amanda: a brunette fitness model with bright red lips and a cute black & white dress. She says that to avoid awkwardness they should hold hands and stare at each other in silence, which seems like a pretty awkward way to fight awkwardness, but perhaps it's a "fight fire with fire" approach.  She's cute. 

-Keriann: a cute, light brown haired girl who maked a LOTTA mistakes right away.  First off, she wore a MULLET dress (short in front, long in back, much like Stephanie Seymour's wedding dress in the video for "November Rain") and either she doesn't know how to use a curling iron or her extensions were BAD.  

-Desiree: the brunette bridal stylist that we met earlier.  She looks fantastic and does a cute thing where she and Sean throw pennies in the fountain & make a wish.  I'm guessing that they wished for at least 1 girl to get fall down drunk because that wish came true. 

-Sarah: cute blonde in a white dress with 1 arm.  She has a nice conversation with Sean and doesn't address the arm thing, which seemed wise.  

-Brooke: beautiful black woman with curly, short red hair and a black, tassel-y dress. She seems friendly & sexy, but her hair was a little Betty Boop for my taste. 

-Diana: the single mom who we met before.  She's wearing a fishtail braid (so hot right now! How the eff do you do those things?) and a cute black & white striped dress.  

-Lesley: the blonde Arkansan was in a sparkly, blue dress and carrying a football.  She says that they are going to run a play and has Sean bend down to snap her the ball.  But it's all an elaborate scheme for Lesley to get a good view of Sean's taint.  Well played!  

-Kristy: the "model" from WI who hates women makes a joke about the other women.  Of COURSE she does!  Her brown hair & blue dress look nice though. 

-Ashley: yet another "model" but this one is from Colorado!  Who knew that the modeling industry was BOOMING across America?  Does Tyra know this? (SMIZE!) Ashley was wearing a light turquoise mermaid gown (nice) and said, "Hi Ken, I'm Barbie." Blerg. 

-Lauren: a blonde in a glittery, tan dress who hails from Rhode Island.  She's cute, but I'd advise her against leading with a mafia joke about her father breaking Sean's knees.  But what do I know! 

-Lindsay: she walked up in a wedding dress and veil and I wish I were kidding.  Somebody got into the pre-show Champagne HARD and Lindsay is her name.

That's 25... but wait... there's one more person (OMG OMG OMG this is so dramatic and unprecedented!)...

-Kacie B (aka Poor Man's Minka Kelly) from Ben's season.  You might remember her as the baton twirler from Tennessee whose father is a teetotling parole officer. Yowza!  She's back for a 2nd tour of duty on The Bach and it seems like she and Sean must have met at a Bach party before. She looks gorgeous and Sean welcomes her into the house (which is nice since the other girls were none too pleased to see her). 

   

Finally, all 26 ladies are in the STD Shack--I mean, Bachelor mansion--and the cocktail party/smack-talking session can begin!  50 Shades of Grey immediately makes a rude remark about Wedding Dress Girl, and isn't THAT the pot calling the kettle shameless.  But wait--everything's different now, as Sean is simply giving out roses throughout the cocktail party.  The girls are flabbergasted and begin asking how many roses there are and how people are getting roses.  One girl exclaims, "It's like there are no rules!" Yeah, like how it works IN THE REAL WORLD.  (Cause if there were rules/fairness in dating, I wouldn't have been stood up on New Year's Eve 2000 by a JAG who went to a safety school.) 

During the cocktail party Sean gives roses to Desiree, Betty Boop Brooke, Selma, Robyn, Jackie and a few others, prompting one gal to ask, "Is he allowed to do that?" to which Desiree brilliantly replied, "I think he can do whatever he wants."  HELL YEAH HE CAN! He's The Bach! You guys keep on obeying traffic laws--Sean will be cruising at a speed of WHATEVER THE EFF HE WANTS miles per hour. 

Paige (the brunette Jumbotron operator who needs to learn to swing her arms less when she walks) is OUTRAGED that The Bachelor isn't following the traditional formula and confronts Sean, saying, "Seriously, WHAT IS going on with the roses?" Oh gurl. Prom and sorority rush seasons must have been hard for you. 

Lindsay (wedding dress girl) gets some 1:1 time with Sean, during which she explains that she's just a "goofball" (that's what unstable people ALWAYS say) and privately wonders if Sean doesn't "get the joke."  Oh I think he gets it.  And he's just not that into you.  

Ashely P (50 Shades of PAY ATTENTION TO ME) is sloppy drunk and dancing on her own (good song by Robyn, bad move if you want to stay in the house).  Finally she gets some 1:1 time with Sean and he jokes that he brought his rape whistle, which prompted an applause break in my apartment (hey hey, look who cracked a funny! Maybe Sean isn't such a simpleton after all!).  Ashley starts a sentence with the phrase, "When you were dumped by Emily" which isn't the most sensitive way to talk about his previous relationship.  Her fate is sealed (though it really has been since she pulled that tie out from between her ta-tas).  

Taryn has a weepy pity party on the stairs while the girl who was BORN WITH ONE ARM talks about her medical condition very candidly & openly to Sean.  Taryn, I love ya blonde beauty, but quit your whining: YOU HAVE TWO ARMS!  Sarah makes a great impression and Sean gives her a rose.  Privately, Sarah admits that she often feels like she doesn't deserve what everyone else gets.  What is this, transcripts from MY sessions with my therapist?  

Finally, it's time for the rose ceremony and the girls are grouped in castes (if it's good enough for Indian society, it's good enough for The Bachelor!).   The girls with roses (Brahmins) are on one riser and the have-nots (Pariah/Untouchables) are on the other.  12 girls have roses, 14 do not, and Sean has 7 to give out.  Good Lord I'm having traumatic math class flashbacks, but thanks to some quick number crunching on my TI-82, I can safely say that 7 ladies are going home.  Who gets those 7 roses? 

-Amanda (awkward stare girl, great lipstick) 

-Leslie M. (taint misbehavin' Arkansas blonde) 

-Kacie B. (repeat offender) 

-Kristy (WI tractor model) 

-Daniella (Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie) 

-Taryn (weepy gym girl and I'm glad she's safe) 

-Lindsay (wedding dress girl) 

So who got negged? 

-Kelly (cruise ship singer aka Floating Trash) 

-50 Shades of See Ya In Hell

-Ashley H (Colorado ski slope model)

-Lacey (even her AWESOME nickname couldn't save her! I hope she seeks lowlights)

-Keriann (maybe next time curl the BACK of your head?) 

-Paige (Sean passed up his opportunity to be on the Kiss Cam!) 

This season looks fantastic and I'm SO excited to lambaste some ladies (only the ones who deserve it!) for your reading pleasure.  Please feel free to comment & check back next week! :)  xoxo