I LITERALLY just finished watching episode 3 of Monday's Bach and yowza that was drama filled!
The episode opened with the obligatory topless workout shots of Sean because what else are the Bachelor producers going to show--gratuitous shots of his PERSONALITY?
16 ladies are in the Bachelor mansion and things are getting more serious (that is, the gals are getting more desperate/rude). Chris Harrison set the stage for the episode explaining that this week would include a group date and two 1:1 dates.
Leslie M. (Arkansas blonde) is the lucky lady who scores the first 1:1, so she puts on a pair of platform high heels for their daytime activity (am I the only person who feels like platform pumps are nighttime only? Does that comment make me sound the kind of lady who shops at Easy Spirit? I DON'T I just can't rock platform pumps all day, ya know? LOVE ME!). Sean picks her up and takes her to downtown LA where they pass by posses of vagrants on Hollywood Boulevard to visit the Guinness World Records Museum. Sean is something of a VIP there since his father holds the record for fastest road trip through the contiguous 48 states in the U.S. (quit bragging about your family's SUPER COOL and prestigious accomplishments, Sean!). But Sean & Leslie aren't here just for a walk through a museum for stupid people--they're here to make their OWN record and overuse "record book" puns. Yes, Chris Harrison has set up a station where Leslie and Sean will kiss (NO TONGUE!) for more than 3:16 to grab the record for longest onscreen kiss while DOZENS of confused tourists and paid extras look on and listlessly cheer/talk. Sean and Leslie managed the feat, despite ridiculous awkwardness and again, NO tongue. I assume that they had to keep it family friendly in public or something, because Bach Sean has NO problem sticking his tongue in assorted ladies' mouths normally. As they make the record, a confetti cannon goes off because watching people practically sew their closed mouths together for 3 minutes and 16 seconds is EXCITING!
After that "activity," Sean and Leslie have drinks on the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel, behind the neon sign (because Bach producers are DESPERATE for locations in Los Angeles). They talk about family, high school (Leslie loved it, which makes me like her a lot less than I did back when I thought she was just a Razorback who liked staring at Sean's rump), and power dynamics. They kiss (the French kind) and she scores a rose. There must have been a 2-for-1 sale at the Party Needs, because right then yet another confetti cannon goes off.
Up next is a group date and the 12 not-so-lucky ladies are Kacie B (Poor Man's Minka Kelly), Robyn (ballsy backflip beauty), Leslie H. (whose favorite past time includes drinking + driving--more on her in a minute), Kristy (WI model who gets uglier by the episode), Catherine (cute, part Asian girl), Daniella (was lucky to crack 200 on her SAT), Desiree (looked like a poor man's Katie Holmes this episode), Taryn (platinum hair + great arms--I believe in you, gurl!), Lindsay (wedding dress booze bag), Amanda (getting uglier/weirder by the minute), Jackie (redhead who has been flying under the radar), and Tierra (girl with a metaphorical big head and a literal gash in her forehead).
The 12 gals head to the beach where they meet up with Sean and everybody runs around with their tight, tan bodies. Kristy the "model" channels Bruce Springsteen by wearing a bandanna tied around her head while everyone wears matching bathingsuits because a legendary show like The Bach can pull strings and score gratis swimsuits. That's BACH LIFE! Chris Harrison arrives to inform the crew that today's activity will be a 6-on-6 volleyball game, to which Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie says, "this is LITERALLY my worst nightmare." Your worst nightmare is a sunny day at the beach & volleyball? LITERALLY? Have you ever lost a friend/family member/job? No? LITERALLY? Coming in 2nd for the title of "Most Insane Quote of the Day" is Taryn who says, "This volleyball game is the most important game of my life."
The teams are red vs. blue and the volleyball is so bad it makes the volleyball unit from my 5th grade gym class look like a bunch of professionals. The blue team wins, so the red team must go home immediately. BURN! You came all the way to the beach to LOSE, then get back in the Jitney. This brings Kristy and Leslie H. to tears. It's hilarious that Leslie H., a poker dealer, has NO poker face and lets the tears flow. Props to my hometown pal Elizabeth Arkema for sleuthing HARD and somehow locating a mug shot of Leslie from a DUI arrest back in 2007. If you missed this episode and want to see what Leslie H. looks like in tears, take a gander here.
The blue team (Kacie B, Amanda, Desiree, Jackie, Robyn, Lindsay) get an evening with Sean during which Kacie hatches a plan to make Amanda and Desiree look bad and it does NOT serve her well. Apparently Amanda is a kookoo bird (ummm yeah, have you seen her hair lately?) and Desiree thinks she's "creepy." Kacie thinks it will endear her to Sean if she confides in him about this tension, but Sean does NOT respond well to this weird, manufactured drama. This type of thing, historically, never works out well on The Bach. Remember back during monkey boy Ben's season, when cool blonde Emily tried to warn Ben about Courtney and it just spelled the end for cute Emily, herself? My Bach knowledge is embarrassing! Kacie claims that she feels put in the middle of Desiree and Amanda's "fight" but there's no there there and Sean can sense it. Sean straight up calls Kacie crazy and Lindsay gets the rose. Ouch. Kacie might want to start packing up her straightening irons because I'm sure she has a BUNCH and her days are numbered.
The next day AshLee is ready for her 1:1 but Tierra has other plans. Tierra takes a TUMBLE down the stairs and when Sean arrives, he tends to her immediately. He thinks she has a concussion so Bachelor producers call the paramedics, who arrive and put Tierra in a (very unflattering) neck brace and on a stabilizing board. Tierra is NOT having it, though, and refuses to get in the ambulance. The other ladies suspect that Tierra just wanted attention and some private time with Sean.
Finally, AshLee and Sean hop in his open air Jeep and cruise the highway, while AshLee's EXPERTLY curled hair whips around, poor thing. My heart goes out to her--you get all dolled up and want to go with the flow, but sometimes it's just like, "do you have ANY sense how long this casual, effortless look took me to do? CLOSE UP THE JEEP!" AshLee and Sean will be spending the day at Six Flags, which has been closed to the public, but wait--they'll be joined by TWO TEENAGE GIRLS WHO MET ONLINE AND BOTH HAVE CHRONIC ILLNESSES. Yes, Bach became like a live action Make A Wish Foundation event mixed with an episode of Catfish. In her pre-taped interviews, AshLee had said that she wanted to tell Sean about her adoption, but at Six Flags she's gotta shut up because nothing trumps an adoption story with a happy ending quite like two teenage girls with chronic illnesses. The bizarre 4-some spends the day on rides and then enjoys a private concert by the Eli Young Band (WHO RULE! If you know nothing else about me--other than that I'm a Bach addict with a head of perfect hair that I call my "weave," know that I love country music. I encourage you to check out Carrie Underwood's "Blown Away"--it will BLOW YOU AWAY!). Finally, AshLee and Sean have some private time during which she tells him about her adoption and brings Sean to tears. Honestly, AshLee might be perfect for Sean. They're both really sweet, kinda simple, and have an inordinate amount of faith in "the process" of meeting a mate on what is effectively a TV game show. She gets a rose.
It's cocktail party time and everyone is looking beautiful except for Amanda, who is in a bold, red dress and ZERO make-up. Girl, that look might seem fun and quirky in the J. Crew catalog, but it doesn't work on TV where the lights are bright and no one is here to make friends. Sean has a surprise for Sarah (one arm blonde) and it's her cute doggy Leo who comes for a visit. Very sweet. Tierra gets some 1:1 time with Sean but she's interrupted by Desiree who is needlessly anxious. Throughout the night there is a LOT of cutting in, which makes everyone look crazy. Kacie is wearing a TINY, futuristic dress that looks like a leotard from Gap Athletic and again, she has too much volume at the crown. GURL, if stirring up that fake drama doesn't get you booted, that wackadoo weave will. Kacie tries to talk to Sean about that incident and apologize, but he's already closed off and they are disrupted by AshLee and Selma.
Before you know it, the ladies are lined up and ready for their public rejection or acceptance, but wait--Sean wants to talk to Kacie privately. Will he ask her to please stop with the volume at the crown look? He walks her to the front door where he gently sends her home, saying that he didn't want to put her through another rose ceremony, since LET US NOT FORGET, this is her 2nd time at the Bach rodeo. It's a very classy move on Sean's part and a very embarrassing turn of events for Poor Man's Minka Kelly. She handles it well in the car and doesn't cry. Good luck to you, Kacie B!
Sean heads back to the assortment of ladies who he doesn't mind putting through a rose ceremony. Leslie M., Lindsay, and AshLee already have roses, so they are safe. Who scores a flower?
Tierra (ugh--1st place--Sean's creating a monster!)
Lesley H. (you gotta admit that she's even pretty in her mug shot!)
Catherine (cute gal flying under the radar)
Daniella (girl is LITERALLY a moron)
Robyn N. (corny, but cute)
Selma (gorgeous gal who wore a unique, patterned dress)
Sarah (she's taking these ladies down with 1 arm LITERALLY)
Jackie (red hair, hoping to see more of her cause she has GREAT eye make-up)
Amanda (you know that lipstick is allowed in the house, right?)
Desiree (Poor Man's Katie Holmes)
So who's going home (other than Kacie B, who's already half way home to Tennessee by now)? Taryn and Kristy. Taryn was a beautiful, blonde, buff lady but perhaps she wanted it too much (the catch 22 of Bach success--you need to want it and be there for the right reasons, but not want it SO much that you tip into sad territory. It's a fine line and like many things, it involves a lot of bullshit smiling and acting casual while you're breaking down inside I ASSUME). Kristy was the WI "model" and I'm guessing that she was just a bit cheesy for Sean (which is saying a LOT and no, me calling her "cheesy" isn't a Wisconsin Cheese Head joke, although it should be).
What were some previews from next week? TIERRA SUX and loses her shit and I can't wait!