Last night Emily and the three remaining suitors (Sean, Jef, and Arie) traveled to Curacao, an island named after the cocktail ingredient "blue curacao," or vice versa. The ‘ole chicken-or-egg phenomenon, right folks? Either way, it’s a Dutch colony where Arie’s mom can’t talk shit about women in front of their faces (because those Curacao natives know Dutch, I’m guessing), but where Joran Van der Sloot could probably get away with murder. Getting topical with a 2005 news reference right off the top! Here we go! Tip tops! I own a pair of grey high tops! Let’s get into it!
The episode kicks off with a whole lotta B roll of Emily walking on the beautiful beaches of Curacao, enjoying nature, and writing in the sand. She uses a stick to write in the sand, “Emily + ?” but then a wave washes away the “+ ?” part, just like the producers had hoped. Investing in that wave machine finally paid off for ABC!
Date #1 is with blonde, southern gentleman Sean and he’s the only one who hasn’t yet said “I love you” to Emily. This is a sticking point for Emily and she’s hoping that he’ll sack up and say those words during this date. They sit on the beach and talk about their hometown date in Dallas with Sean's family. Emily inquires about a past relationship and Sean admits that he had a long-term girlfriend who he didn’t really like, but he stayed in the relationship and knowingly phoned it in. Blech. That’s such a turn-off to me and you can tell from Emily’s facial expression that it’s a turn-off to her, too (she and I have so much in common! We should be besties so that I can go to her colorist because Emily’s hair color is PERFECTION). Sean and Emily go snorkeling and then have a romantic dinner that evening, but I can already see the writing on the wall. Finally, over dinner Sean says that he has fallen in love with Emily and he reads her a letter that he has written to Ricki. It’s all very sweet and Emily seems pleased at his confession of love, but Sean can’t change the fact he’s just hot cheese. I liken him to raclette, which is a Swiss hot cheese meal (similar to fondue). Sure, Sean is hot and has a sick body, but he’s just flat and kinda cheesy. Emily isn’t into that—she needs an edge. At the end of the date, Sean reads the card (from Chris Harrison) that invites Emily and Sean to visit the fantasy suite and spend the night together. They go to the suite, but just swim in the jacuzzi and then call it a night separately. This is LEGIT unprecedented in Bachelor/Bachelorette history. I give Emily a TON of credit for bucking the trend.
Date #2 is with Jef, whose hair is like a poor man's Robyn pompadour.
Since Jef has weird hair, Emily feels comfortable having weird hair around him, so she rocks a side braid during their date. Stuff is getting crazy! Jef and Emily cruise around on a boat that resembles a skinny tug boat and talk about Jef's parents, who suddenly give a rat's about their son's life. Nice! Apparently NOW they want to meet Emily! Yeah, maybe you should meet your son's potential fiancee, ya think? Apparently Jef just took 9th grade essay writing, as he busts out metaphors like crazy, comparing their relationship to an abstract masterpiece and talking about the sunset in Curacao being the sunrise of their relationship. Emily and Jef jump off a bunch of rocks into the water and Emily holds her nose and clutches her boobs every time--hilarious. That evening, they have a romantic dinner and talk about some important issues of where they might live, their dating history, etc. Emily wears a gorgeous, turquoise ring while Jef explains that he wouldn't change a thing about their courtship because it led them to this (and in saying that, he unintentionally quotes a Darius Rucker country song, "This." Yes, Darius Rucker--the former lead singer of Hootie & the Blowfish--is now a country singer whose songs all sound the same and yes, I'm wildly ashamed that I'm familiar with his repertoire). Jef reads the fantasy suite card and makes the respectable call to opt out, saying that his and Emily's families will be watching the show and he doesn't want to set a bad example. Holy crypes these people are functional and respectable--WTF!?!? Jef goes so far so say that this is a time to "bridle these passions" and I'm wondering what country western book he pulled that out of. Seriously, who talks like that?
Date #3 goes to Arie and it's a day of swimming with dolphins and TONS OF MAKING OUT. Seriously--Arie must be a hella good kisser because Emily can't keep her tongue out of his mouth and he's NOT hot. Yeah, I said it--who wants to fight? There's undeniable chemistry between Emily and Arie, though, so I'll let those crazy lovebirds do what they want (unlike other types of birds such as pigeons, who should do what I want and DIE). After a long day of tonsil hockey (field and ice), Emily and Arie have dinner and discuss life "after this" and how Arie would get along with Ricki. Emily decides not to give Arie the fantasy suite card at all because she doesn't trust herself, so they make out more and say goodnight. 3 for 3 with no monkey business! Mad props to Emily for not shaming her family (more than she already has) with the suggestion of random humps on network TV!
Finally, it's rose ceremony time and Emily's rocking a grey wife beater, a few cool necklaces, a funky, rad silver skirt, and a slicked ponytail. My pal Michelle Boncek and I both wish she'd done hair down, but what do we know. Sometimes you have to mix it up. As my best friend Suzanne and I say, you can't always look your best and be in your favorite outfit. Sometimes you need to change it up and try new looks and styles. (Yes, we have developed sayings that help us through the trials of life, such as days when you're stuck wearing an outfit that you don't adore. LIFE IS HARD.)
The trio of suitors arrive at the rose ceremony location as Emily watches their video messages to her. Emily is understandably weepy and anxious about this rose ceremony. She starts handing out the roses and here's how it goes:
Jef (lucky pomadour)
Arie (his make-out skills are keeping him in the game)
Poor Sean is going home, but he handles it gracefully. He's really calm, he doesn't cry, and he doesn't freak out at all. In short, he's the anti-Chris (from last week's rejection). So now it's down to Jef and Arie, who will meet Emily's entire family in the final showdown.
But before that, this one's for you, Sean: