Hello there my
beloved kitty cats! This week’s
Bachelorette episode was the always-awkward ritual of hometown dates, whereby
the bachelor or bachelorette visits FOUR potential mates and meets their family
members (those who are willing to appear on reality TV), then dumps one of
those poor souls by episode’s end. Who
got a faint taste of love and then got metaphorically punched in the nose? We’ll find out momentarily. First, let’s recap each visit. Emily traveled from Chicago, IL to Salt Lake City,
UT to Scottsdale, AZ to Dallas, TX and had great hair the entire time. How DOES she do it? (Answer: by being blonde the entire time. BOOMTOWN!)
Her first stop,
Chicago, is the hometown of anxiety-ridden bobblehead Chris. Chris and Emily met up at the Water Tower
right on Michigan Avenue, a Chicago landmark that is completely underwhelming. I have never understood the importance of
that spot. Chicago has SO much history,
so many phenomenal buildings and waterways—yet people gather around this
rinky-dink “Water Tower” that resembles a low-budget castle. Either way, they kiss hello, walk down Michigan
Avenue, then head to a Polish-American restaurant for beers. That is when we learn that Chris is Polish
and, as he says, “On a scale from 1 to Polish, I’m Polish,” which is one of the
few funny things he has said all season.
I was shocked, but Chris really grew on me during this episode. Emily and Chris arrived at his parents’
McMansion in Highland Park and promptly sat down for dinner. The table setup looked just like DaVinvi’s “The
Last Supper” which was quite fitting, since by the end of the episode, Emily
would betray Chris (just like Judas and JC, am I right?) Emily had some one-on-one chat time with
Chris’s super Polish father (over shots of liqueur—did you see that sitting on the
table?) and she made a fantastic impression, of course. After dinner (with Chris’s father, mother, and
2 sisters), the whole neighborhood showed up for live music and dancing on the
back porch, which made me cringe because it’s just too much. If there’s one thing I know about hometown
dates on The Bachelor/Bachelorette (and I have done YEARS of pathetic research),
it’s that the more friends and neighbors the family invites over for the big “Our
Child Is One of a Half Dozen People Dating This One Person On A Reality TV Show”
celebration, the more likely that guy or gal is to get DROPPED right
after. That’s just how it goes. Anyhoo—Emily and Chris go out to the driveway
where he says “I love you” (L BOMB!) and they kiss goodbye.
Emily’s next
stop is the suburbs of Salt Lake City, Utah.
I apologize for not knowing the name of the town, but I left my notes at
home (Yes, I take NOTES on these shows.
I’m pathetic and I take it very seriously.) The car drops her off at Jef’s family’s 400
acre ranch outside of Salt Lake City and everything about Jef finally makes
sense. OF COURSE he’s an entrepreneur
who sells “environmentally friendly” bottled water—HE’S A TRUST FUND KID! Rich kids can be entrepreneurs and create
companies that peddle moronic, unnecessary products and those companies always
SEEM profitable because they were started by rich kids. And the wheel goes ‘round and ‘round! As Jef mentioned last week, his parents are “committed
to some stuff” (in the faraway land of SOUTH CAROLINA) so they can’t be there
to meet their potential daughter-in-law.
So Emily meets a posse of Jef’s siblings and their many children. With families this big, it seems like Mormons
are the Catholics of the south west.
Everyone loves Emily, of course, but it’s only Jef’s older brother who
is willing to address the fact that Jef has previously never wanted the whole
wife/kids/family thing. Jef insists that
he does NOW because it’s Emily. Well
played, Jef, though I still doubt your motives and hate your hair. Emily and Jef go make out on some rocks and
he reads her a long love poem that I’m betting he stole out of a 7th
grade boy’s journal. She digs it,
though.
3rd
stop is Arie’s hometown of Scottsdale, Arizona.
Emily arrives at the race car track while Arie is cruising around it in
an Indy Car. Emily remarks that she’s
never gone for a ride “in an Indy car” which I’m hoping is a dig at Arie, since
he drives Indy cars, while Emily’s late ex-fiancee drove NASCAR. It’s tantamount to a Ford Bronco owner
ribbing the owner of a Bronco II (the redheaded stepchild of the Bronco
community) and I love it. Emily says that
Arie looks “stupid hot” and apparently the definition of “stupid hot” has
changed to mean “sweaty, pasty, and in a constant state of allergy attack”
cause that is definitely how Arie is looking.
Arie and Emily have a glass of wine and he braces her for the upcoming
family dinner. He explains that his
parents are “really different” and “very European” then they head to the family
compound. Arie has twin brothers, a
sister, a mom who looks like she has spent a few too many hours by the pool and
a few too many days at the plastic surgeon’s office, plus a dad who also drives
race cars. They sit and chat, then commence
speaking about Emily in Dutch right in front of her. Nice manners!
Emily and Arie’s mother retire to a bedroom where they sit down on the
bed for a one-on-one chat (no chairs around?) and Arie’s mother warms up (in
her own Euro way) to Emily.
After that funky
Euro family visit, it’s time for a jump into the deep end of America: Sean’s
family in Dallas, Texas. Emily drives up
and meets Sean in a field by his favorite lake, where he is waiting with his
dogs. The minute she opens the car door,
Sean drops their leashes and the 2 dogs run up to Emily. Did anyone else find that totally odd? It just felt very, “Go boys! Sick her!” Sean and Emily play with the dogs and drink
wine in the park, then drive out to the suburbs where his parents McMansion
awaits. (Do any participants in this
franchise NOT have wealthy parents who live in McMansions?) The family is waiting for them in the backyard. Emily meets Sean’s parents, sister, brother-in-law,
and their 2 kids (the kids are named—get your barf bags ready—Kensington (girl)
and Smith (boy). I just hate the current
trend of these odd, seemingly meaningful but actually meaningless, over-serious
names for children. Kensington? What,
like the neighborhood in London that you’ve probably never visited? Am I being
a terrible person with this?) The family
was sweet, the tykes were cute, and little Kensington had her own, child-sized
playhouse that could give Chicago’s Water Town a run for its money. The producers really got their hooks into
Sean’s poor, sweet family because there were WAY too many over-the-top jokes in
that visit. Sean claimed that he still
lives at home (then took Emily up to his messy room which was filled with
stuffed animals) then, 5 minutes later, revealed that it was all a joke
(HILARIOUS! And stupid! And tiresome!). Then the family sat down for dinner and Sean’s
father brought out Sean’s favorite meal, armadillo! Then, 30 seconds later, he revealed that it
was all a joke (HILARIOUS! And
stupid! And tiresome!). Emily rolled with the punches and made a good
impression, of course. Sean kissed her
goodbye and then chased her down the street for a 2nd kiss because life
is a movie montage, right?
Finally it’s
rose ceremony time and everyone meets up in Los Angeles. Emily looks stunning in a gorgeous, blue
dress, fantastic make-up, and great volume at the crown of her hair (probably
done with some strategic teasing). Chris
chats with her about her choices and she’s very emotional. She’s got to pull it together, though,
because there are guys waiting to be rejected on network television, so she’d
better get down to biz. Chris, Jef,
Arie, and Sean are lined up and ready to be loved or rejected while America
watches.
How did Emily
dole out the ‘ole lapel roses?
ARIE (dude must
have a great personality because he’s straight-up “busted” as we used to say
back in the 90s)
JEF (the
pompadour stays in the picture)
SEAN (Mr.
Perfect is ready and willing to be Pappa Perfect to little Ricki)
Chris takes it
hard and snaps at Emily once they are alone, saying, “I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU!” Yeah YOU did—and why are you yelling at HER about
it? I had some sympathy for Chris,
though, because it SUCKS to bring home a girl to meet your family AND entire
neighborhood (not to mention the local Polish folk music band), then get NEGGED
within days. Ouch. But he’s 25 and now he’s a C list celebrity—he’ll
be fine.
Up next, the
three remaining guys and Emily are going to the island of Curacao. Lucky for Arie, Curacao is a constituent
country of the Netherlands! He can break
out his Dutch language skills and get some (much-needed) vitamin D. See you next Monday!
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