Book Deal!

Hello, friends!

This week my book deal was announced on Publishers Marketplace! The posting can only be seen if you have an account with the website, so I'm pasting the announcement here, with a tiny screen shot below, too.

I'm absolutely thrilled and so thankful to my brilliant literary agent, Elizabeth Evans, and the wonderful Stephanie Meyers at Harper Collins. "The New Rules for Blondes" will be published in fall 2012 by It books, which is an imprint of Harper Collins on which Steven Adler published HIS memoir. Could it be more perfect?

		September 14, 2011
		Non-fiction: Humor		NYC-based Comedian Selena Coppock's debut THE NEW RULES FOR BLONDES, a collection of essays celebrating and subverting the blonde stereotype, to Stephanie Meyers at It Books, for publication in fall 2012, by Elizabeth Evans at Jean V. Naggar Literary Agency (World English).

And here's the screen shot (taken by my buddy Heather Brady):

NY Times article

Just read an interesting article on NYTimes.com. It's called Are You as Fertile As You Look?

Interesting piece about how in American culture, so many women work so hard to preserve their youth (looks-wise), but are forgetting that the biological clock keeps on ticking, even if you have great abs and full hair at 40.

Baby and fertility stuff is such a minefield and can make so many conversations unintentionally uncomfortable. I have friends who have dealt with infertility and difficulty on that front, and it's heartbreaking. You just want your loved ones to have whatever they want out of this life, and to not be grilled about it by strangers or clueless relatives.

I've found that most people simply assume that every young woman wants to get married and have babies. If your life plan differs from that two-step at all, brace yourself for dirty looks and comments like, "Who doesn't like BABIES?" (And assumptions that you must be a selfish and terrible person who pretends to be friendly, but actually burns onesies by moonlight.)

On stage, I sometimes joke that I've always never wanted children, but it's true. I've never imagined having kids. I've never had an impulse or instinct to be a caretaker to babies. I babysat a bit in high school and was a camp counselor one summer, but never really loved either job. Raising babies isn't everyone's cup of tea, and I wish that more people (usually strangers) would be a bit more mindful of that. Why is it that everyone can understand that, for example, some people like the music of Motley Crue, and others don't. Others HATE that music, in fact. Why not the same with kids?

I want what I want out of MY life and you want what you want out of YOUR life, and those things might be completely opposite, and that's OK. As my lovely co-worker Calvin says (in a hilarious voice, while he does the 'ole weave pat), "Do you."

Watch this video

My sister just filmed this hilarious video. She's the sign language lady.

Awesome upcoming show

I can't wait for this show. It's going to be a smoky eye/red lip kind of night. Make-up talk!

Bachelorette Finale

Monday night was the finale of Ashley’s season of The Bachelorette, and in typical Bachelorette fashion, we were thrown for a loop. When will I learn that these ABC producers are tricksters?

BUT FIRST!

On Sunday night, those rats at ABC broadcast “The Men Tell All” special on a completely random night and without any fanfare. What the heck, ABC? Thank goodness my old Hamiltones friend Ben alerted me, so I could tune in. What went down? Well, William (the wanna-be standup comedian) is still a complete pussface. Nick (poor man’s Chad Kroeger) got hot and his hair is darker now (nice). Constantine looked less ugly than before. That guy Tim who got drunk and passed out on night 1 turns out to be a pretty cool dude with a nice arm tattoo. Bentley was too chicken to come back and face the fact that he’s a sociopath. Ryan is still too smiley and annoying. That’s pretty much it.

NOW FOR THE FINALE!

The episode started off with Ashley roaming the beaches of Fiji by her lonesome. Nearby, her family sat casually in direct, pounding sunlight. Her family is comprised of a lumberjack-like stepfather, a seemingly normal mom, a brunette sister whose body is covered in tattoos, and a brother who probably listens to radio stations that play exclusively “blazin’ R&B.” I can just tell. R&B brother proceeded to wipe sweat off his face with a large towel for the majority of the episode. Wiping one’s sweaty face profusely isn’t the worst thing in the world, I suppose. Especially not when compared to the activities Ashley’s sister. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

JP was up for the family visit first and he made a great impression—jokes all around, cute chit-chat, toasts. Good times overall. Ashley’s sister, Tats McGee (as my best friend Suzanne nicknamed her), didn’t see what I saw (between JP and Ashley) and was very vocal about it. After a quick lunch, Tats McGee, Ashley, and their mother adjourned for a talk during which Tats McGee dropped some bombshells and was pretty harsh. She kept saying that she’s the “rational one” (rational enough to get tattoos on 70% of her body) and that she “just didn’t see it” between JP and Ashley. Ashley was really offended and felt understandably defensive on JP’s behalf. Things only got worse when Tats McGee and JP sat down for a 1:1 talk and Tats pulled no punches. I was impressed with how JP handled her aggressive comments, because I know that I probably would have flipped a table and given her my (patented) horizontal middle-finger. Nonetheless, Tats harsh skepticism seemed to drive a wedge between JP and Ashley and they date didn’t end on great terms.

JP’s misfortune was Ben’s good fortune, as Ashley essentially put on a show for her family once Ben arrived. They were hyper-animated, goofy, and doing dog voices, as if to say, “Hey Tats McGee, ya like this? Is THIS how I act when I’m comfortable? Why don’t you tell me how I act because I don’t know.” Tats McGee had remarked that she thought Ashley was herself when she brought Brad “Hot Dummy” Womack home last season. Really? Throughout her time with Brad, Ashley always seemed VERY anxious, needy, and insecure. Perhaps Tats McGee should go back to crafting herself into Jesse James’ dream date and easy up on the analysis of the “real Ashley.” The family loved Ben, Ben loved the family, and the brother kept wiping himself.

Ashley had evening dates with each of the guys and Ben went first, where he dropped the L bomb on Ashley. She couldn’t reciprocate, but according to Ben, her kisses were intense and were her way of saying, “I love you, too.” (Note to self: That’s never the case.) The next night Ashley had 1:1 evening time with JP and things seemed a bit stilted, still. At the end of the date, JP gave Ashley a photo album with a sweet (and by sweet, I really mean cringe-worthy) message inside.

The next day both JP and Ben met with Neil Lane to go “ring shopping” (more like prop borrowing, but who’s keeping track of multi-million dollar rings? Oh, Neil Lane is.) I had almost forgotten about the final vestige of heteronormative traditions: THE BLOOD DIAMOND! What sham proposal would be complete without a ring for which impoverished children in western Africa probably died? (Yes, I’m getting political up in this Bachelorette recap!) Ben picks an ornate, antique-looking ring while JP picks a trendier, square cut. Just cause I hate diamonds personally doesn’t mean I’m clueless about them.

Finally it’s the big day. Ashley is standing on a runway/stage thing on the beach. Both men arrive by sea plane and, if you’re a Bach die-hard, you know that usually the first arrival is the one who is getting negged. Who flew in first? One half of the Monkey Twins, Ben. I admired Ben’s confidence throughout this journey, but it ultimately made him look very foolish. When he reached Ashley, it was obvious that she was about to start in on the ‘ole “You’re such a lovely person but I would be fine with never seeing you again my life” talk, but he jumped the gun and dropped to his knee, took a breath, and launched in on the proposal. Oh man. Ashley had to awkwardly help him up and try to start explaining, but Ben just said, “That’s that” or something along those lines. Good move, Ben. If somebody isn’t interested, it doesn’t matter WHY. You don’t need to “figure it out.” You just walk away. That’s that. To combine a quote from Bonnie Raitt and another from my great friend Mary Beth, I can’t make you love me and I am who I am without apologies. And we’re done here.

JP showed up next and pulled the “knee drop” maneuver (not to be confused with Sun Drop dance, which features my great friend Maggie Champagne doing it UP in the commercials!), only this time Ashley was feeling it. They get engaged, make out in the ocean, live happily ever after.

And so ends another season of The Bachelorette. But we won’t start suffering through Bach withdrawal, pussycats. Next week we have a 2^nd season of The Bachelor Pad kicking off! As I explained to my friend—it’s like The Real World, but with more STDs and less brains (yes, it’s possible).

The Bachelorette: Hometown Dates

Ames, is that a silk shirt?

Last night we watched as Ashley and her harem of boys returned from the Orient to embark on a whirlwind week of hometown dates. It was quite a thrill-ride, featuring one dollar bills being thrown at Ashley, cheesy jokes (literally with shredded cheese), the sweet sounds of REO Speedwagon, and of course, tears.

Ashley’s first hometown visit was Constantine in Cummings, GA. Who knew that they grew ‘em THAT Greek in Georgia? Constantine’s SUPER GREEK family owns an Italian restaurant, which is staffed by comely young ladies who freelance as peeping Toms. Dinner at Constantine’s family’s McMansion was jovial, then the party turned up to 11 when the entire extended family showed up. Like a scene from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” cousins, aunts, nieces, and nephews came bounding into the house and began dancing and drinking. The family was rowdy, fun, and emotional, which was in stark contrast with Ashley’s next visit to meet Ames’s family.

Ames hails from Chadds Ford, PA and must be a WASP. He’s never said outright, “I’m a white, Anglo-Saxon Protestant,” but a few clues give it away: (1) He went to boarding school for high school; (2) After that, Ivy League education; (3) his mother AND sister were both wearing white pants and tasteful, minimal jewelry; (4) his family is perfectly nice, but not very emotional. They struck me as very reasonable and logical, which is the centerpiece of WASP life. Ashley gets along with his family very well, but mentions that she doesn’t feel a spark of passion with Ames. Ames takes her for a sweet picnic beneath a magnolia tree, where he talks about an Italian phrase that means being romantic in everyday life. Ames, your knowledge of romance languages is impressive, but it’s not HOT. It’s not “random make-out after a long night of drunken flirting” HOT. It’s not “attend a Red Sox/Yankees game at Yankee Stadium and end up seated next to a cute stranger with a sick Boston accent who you then invite to your birthday party that night, where you flirt like crazy” HOT. It’s not “start reading this dude’s hilarious blog, then meet him in real life and hit it off, but he has a GF, but then he breaks up with his GF and shows up at one of your standup shows” HOT. There’s just no spark between Ashley and Ames, sadly.

Ashley then jets off to Sonoma, CA to see Ben and meet his mother and sister. Ben repeatedly threw out some painfully bad grammar errors, talking about, “Ashley and I’s relationship” while I tried to stop myself from throwing a hammer at my television. People—it’s not “Ashley and I’s” it’s frigging “Ashley’s and my relationship”—how hard is this!? Or better yet, just say “My relationship with Ashley blah blah blah.” Rant over. The visit goes well overall, but I feel like Ben’s tears about his late father were exploited by the producers of The Bachelorette. Somehow, I expected more from them. I know, I know—when will I learn?

The final stop is Long Island, New York (more specifically, Roslyn, NY) where Ashley meets JP’s family. But before they eat dinner at his boyhood home, Ashley and JP skate a few laps around a roller rink to REO Speedwagon’s “I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore” while a disco ball spins overhead. Nothing says “Hot Passion” quite like the birthday party activities of our awkward and ugly adolescent years, right? Ashley has a great chat with JP’s mother and they hold hands at one point. Weird.

Then we’re back in the bachelor mansion in Los Angeles and Ashley’s wearing a see-through black mini-dress. The boys are assembled in dark suits, except for Ames, who is wearing a tan suit. That “one of these things is not like the other” tan suit portends heartbreak for sweet WASP Ames.

What’s the order that Ashley gives out the roses (interrupted only by Chris Harrison, to remind us of the final rose)?

Ben – 1^st rose! Congrats! Dude appears to have gotten an ill-advised haircut. Stop listening to your mother!

JP – 2^nd rose. Apparently the way to Ashley’s heart involves stops at tween dating meccas. What will their next date be? Cruising the mall?

Constantine – 3^rd rose. Both monkey twins made it to the top 3! This is insanity!

Ashley walks Ames out and he handles it well. She doesn’t give much explanation, in fact—Ames ends up doing more of the talking and almost apologizing. Sweet Ames, the tabloids speculate that you’re dating a fellow Bachelor reject, and I hope it’s true. There’s a fellow WASP somewhere out there for you.

Up next, the boys and Ashley head to Fiji, where Ashley’s family gets to meet the harem. Brace yourself for Ashley’s sister—her body is covered in tattoos, and her “advice” to Ashley is covered in judgment. Should make for great television.

Bachelorette Recap: Ep 7

Last week’s “Bachelorette” was a repeat because some Americans celebrate our nation’s birth by watching fireworks, rather than by voyeuristiclly watching heartbreak and embarrassment offered up for public consumption. You can probably guess which one I think is more “American” to be watching, but that’s neither here nor there. Nor over there.

This week the six remaining guys (Monkey Twins Ben & Constantine, wide-set-eyes Ames, sweetheart JP, straight-laced Lucas and Guy Smiley Ryan) and Ashley flew to Taiwan for their last week in the Orient. (Unrelated aside: the theme for my oldest sister’s prom was Oriental Mystique which, in retrospect, sounds kinda racist. How ya like them random tidbits? My mind is like a steel trap for useless minutiae!) Chris Harrison greets the guys in Taiwan and informs them that this week’s events will include three 1:1 dates and a group date (3:1).

The first 1:1 date goes to one half of the Monkey Twins, Constantine. As a gal who once recreationally stalked a D list celebrity named Constantine (Maroulis, baby! Rock of Ages! American Idol reject!), I appreciate his name. I don’t appreciate his droopy eyes and weird hair, but that’s just me being judgmental from beneath my head of good hair. Ashley and Constantine take a quaint train to a village where the locals are preparing for a nighttime lantern ceremony. The two of them paint the sides of a paper lantern with hearts and words like “family” as wishes, which seems weird because you can’t simply wish for a family. If you want to build a family, go get knocked up. Don’t sit at home and try to wish or “Secret” that action, ya know? Later that night, they put a small fire beneath the lantern and send it floating into the night sky. The whole thing is gorgeous, but seems like it might be a HUGE fire hazard, especially if the weather has been dry. But I’m not a forest firefighter, what do I know? I just know that firefighters are generally hot and I wave at them when NYFD trucks pass me on the street. Constantine seems shockingly normal and I think that perhaps I judged the Monkey Twins too soon. Over dinner, he explains that he’s enjoying this whole experience, but that he is just taking it one day at a time and seeing how it goes. Thank you for not being a crazy person, Constantine! You used to drive me bananas, but now I’m digging you. Good work. Ashley & Constantine make-out and the date goes well, overall.

The next 1:1 date is Ben, the other half of the Monkey Twins. Ben & Ashley hop on a scooter. Nice helmets, tools! Safety is for losers! (Woa woa woa—my apologies—this recap was just hijacked by the beefcake dude from “Revenge of the Nerds.” I’ve wrangled it back from him. Sorry about that.) They tool around and Ben makes corny remarks about how it’s hard to keep his eye on the road because he wants to check on the “precious cargo” behind him. Man, Ben and Ashley might be perfect for each other after all. They walk across a rope bridge in the jungle, stopping in the middle to make out, which is so spontaneous and I’m sure the film crew totally didn’t suggest that they do that. Later that night they have dinner and a great conversation and I gotta say, these two seem pretty serious.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the remaining guys notice that Ben didn’t come back after his date. He strolls in during breakfast, but of course he didn’t stay in a room with Ashley—that’s saved for the final date when the couple may “choose to forgo their individual rooms for a night in the fantasy suite.” Hasn’t everyone memorized that note card and watched the participants’ feigned surprise a million times by now? (Just me? Others are out there foregoing ACTUAL rooms in REAL life while on their own dates? Huh? What are you talking about?)

It’s time for the 3:1 date and JP, Ames, and Lucas get to take wedding photos with Ashley! What fun! Up next they’ll have a date that is spent preparing taxes, or maybe the thrilling experience of closing on a house if they want to get REALLY rowdy! In Lucas and Ashley’s photos they both wear dresses and kiss (which makes JP crazy), in Ames and Ashley’s photo they dress up like 1960s lounge singers (huh?), and JP scores the most traditional wedding photos with him in a tux and Ashley in white. After the photo shoot they all change and have drinks and JP scores a rose by being the most needy of the trio. Way to reward annoying behavior, Ashley! Lucas continues to be pretty stiff and straight-laced, while Ames loosens up a bit (despite his pink pants), by showing Ashley some old family photos.

Ryan has the final 1:1 and he can’t hide his excitement about it, which is sweet, but also a bit unappealing. My theory is that Ryan has made it this far because he has flown under the radar and Ashley hasn’t gotten a full taste of just how annoying he is. All the guys in the house have, but he and Ashley haven’t had a 1:1 yet, so she’s only seen Ryan in small doses, which can be tolerable. But she figures it out quickly and sends him home mid-date, which was amazing to watch. Ryan’s facial expressions as he processes the fact that he’s being negged were precious and delightful. Once he’s alone, Ryan gives his two cents (to the camera) and starts crying, which made me feel bad for him a tiny bit. At least we all learned something useful from Ryan: tankless water heaters are the way to go.

It’s time for a rose ceremony without the cocktail party, which makes me wonder—could these guys request cocktails anyway? There’s no cocktail party, but dudes probably want a stiff drink, ya know? The dudes look handsome, but Ashley’s dress (with hip cut-outs) is not a great choice. You could be Heidi Klum and hip cut-outs are not going to do you any favors. (Neither is pale pink on pale white women, but we’ll get into that another time.) Ashley hands out the roses and who doesn’t get one? Straight-laced Lucas. He handles it gracefully and heads off into the Taiwanese night.

Up next week, hometown dates! From the preview, what we will learn is that Ames and his family live on a sleigh, Constantine’s family does a whole lotta group dancing and throwing of dollar bills, JP was raised in a roller rink, and Ben’s family (and late father) are inordinately proud of their son for going on a reality TV dating show.