In the immortal words of Jim Anchower, it's been a while since I rapped at ya. You last heard from me at the close of The Bachelorette, when Becca inexplicably selected anti-trans shitbag Garrett over America's sweetheart Blake. It was a tragic end to a very dramatic season of The Bachelorette—more on that beloved franchise in a minute.
I had a lovely summer that included lots of beach time (my fave), plus had a summer romance that ended in early September. It was too bad that it ended, but I was relieved once we called it off. When a guy comes on super strong with declarations of love and excitement and fancy dinners and suggests travel plans, then balks when you respond in kind, it's a real mind fuck and it's hard to recover, act natural, and keep on smiling when your confidence has been killed. And I don't think that he meant to undermine my confidence—I think he just sorta spooked himself and got in over his head. So it was a relief when we broke up because I wasn't at my best—in fact, I feel like I was at my worst. During our last few weeks together, I second-guessed every word out of my own mouth, every joke, and every comment, which just feels crappy and it wasn't fun for HIM, either. So that's all done, I wish him well, and now I shall go back to dating only men who work with their hands (ideally, in the profession of punching others in the face).
But enough of my personal shiz—let's talk about COLTON!!
The genius monsters at ABC announced Colton as the next Bachelor right after the close of Bachelor In Paradise. I don't commit to B in P the way that I commit to The Bachelor/The Bachelorette because sometimes mama needs a break, people! I tuned in occasionally—just long enough to watch Jordan and that nerd guy BE OBSESSED with each other, and Krystal and Chris (aka LITERALLY THE TWO WORST PEOPLE OF ALL TIME) fall in love, and lots of ladies wear tassel earrings (so hot right now), so I feel like I "get it."
Now let's talk Colton as America's VIRGIN BACHELOR.
We know him from Becca's season of The Bachelorette and pre-Becca, Colton not only hooked up with Becca's friend Tia (who I will always have a soft spot for because she's from Arkansas, where I have lots of family who I love), but he also dated Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman (who is a native of Needham, MA where I lived until I was 3). And no, dear reader, there were NO visits to Hump City in either case.
Now, don't get me wrong—Colton is HOT AF, seems really fun and easygoing, is very smiley, gets along with others, and used to play professional football (YEZ YEZ YEZZZ PLEASE) so I am buying what he's selling, so to speak. I'm picking up what he's putting down, if ya catch my drift. Kid can get it, naaaaah mean????
But here is what's wrong with producers selecting him as the next Bachelor: he is being exploited for his virgin status.
WHAT!?
I thought that only WOMEN (girls) could be exploited for their virginity and sold as "child brides" (a nice euphemisms for sex slave) to older men???
I realize that this fluffy blog post just got REEEEAL DARK but stay with me.
Colton is a virgin, a personal fact that he was hesitant to share with Becca until late in the season and a fact that he has previously kept hidden and, in some cases, lied about. Poor guy was a pro football player living The 40 Year-Old Virgin ("a bag of sand!"). That has got to be hard and he has been doing it for so many years, that I suspect that his virgin status has become so much a part of his personality, his life's journey, his identity, that it will be hard for him to part with that.
I mean, it's hella crass to have the Fantasy Suite episode roll up and to have America be like, "LOSE IT! LOSE IT! LOSE IT!" re: Colton's virginity. It is SO MUCH PRESSURE on the poor hottie. If Colton is smart, he'll cash in his V card before his season starts, get in a few rounds of practice, and THEN hump 3 women in 3 nights in the fantasy suite.
But I'm sure he won't do that.
He has gotten SUCH a kind reception from Bachelor Nation for sharing that he's a virgin and discussing notions of masculinity and sexuality and how toxic they can be. I give him SO MUCH credit for sharing his story, owning it, and not being ashamed. Honestly, it's super refreshing and I have a TON of sympathy for how much pressure is on young men to "man up" and get head, get laid, drink beers, punch things, fit into heteronormative gender roles of what guys are "supposed" to be.
But I think that when something is SO MUCH a part of your identity, as Colton's virginity is to him, it's extremely unappealing to change. It's like years and years ago when I stopped doing comedy and just tried to work and chill/watch TV at night. It lasted a few months, then I got back into comedy because it's simply who I am. So much of my own identity, my own self-assessment is caught up in the fact that I do comedy—I couldn't walk away from that.
So I will be curious to see if Colton EVER loses his virginity during his season. I imagine that at some point in his life, Colton will finally hump, but I wonder if he will do it while the cameras are rolling and the pressure is on, ya know? We shall see!
A few quick other things:
-In two weeks, I will be launching TWO WICK MINIMUM: A Candle Podcast for Candleheads (on iTunes and all those places where you can get podcasts). I am SO excited. The first season will be 10 episodes and each episode is a roughly 30 minute conversation between me and a fellow candlehead. We talk about all the HOT TOPICS in the candle community and have some laughs. It makes me so happy. My amazing producer is the brilliant Katie Compa and she is truly the reason that any of this is happening. I have been talking about doing a candle-cast for so long and it's finally happening! I'll alert you when the first episode is live, lovers!
-This weekend on 10/20, the variety show that I co-produce with my wonderful friend Lauren Maul, BITCHCRAFT, is back! We have a jazzy line-up of standups, storytellers, singers, and more! Doors at 7:00, show at 7:30, $5 at the door. Come on by! We're at Sid Gold's Request Room (26th Street near 7th Avenue).
And of course I'll be recapping Colton's season of The Bachelor when it kicks off (January, I think). Happy fall, friends! xoxo
