Over this past Memorial Day weekend, Americas thought of our
fallen soldiers and on Monday night, Jojo continued her journey to find love
among an assortment of former military men (Alex, Luke) and at least one guy
who has a LOT of opinions about what it means to be a man (chode—I mean,
Chad).
The episode kicked off with some B roll of Jojo walking
around the Westlake Village Inns and Bachelor Nation wondered whatever happened
to the lovely house where the Bachelor or Bachelorette lives alone for the season?
Why is Jojo crashing in a rich man’s Holiday Inn Express?
The guys scream “JOJO” off a patio toward the heavens, as
they are contractually obligated to do, and Chris Harrison arrives to inform
them that this week’s activities include 2 group dates and a 1:1 date with
roses are up for grabs on all.
The first group date will be Luke (cowboy serving up Lyle
Lovett realness), Grant (hot firefighter), Will (bland), Evan (extremely
expressive), Daniel (Canadian cheesedick), Vinny (turns out he’s a BARBER not a
DJ but like, same thing?), Ali (hottie flying under the radar), James F.
(Spooky Count look-alike), Robby (poor man’s Will Forte) and the card says
“let’s heat things up.” That morning,
the guys hear a crash in the driveway and run outside to see a limo engulfed in
flames, as a meaningful symbol that THEY AREN’T GETTING OUT OF HERE ALIVE (or
something). A fire truck pulls up and
out jumps Jojo in fireman pants, overalls, and a snug tank top! No helmet for hottie Jojo—that would crush
her perfect curls!
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| The Bachelorette becomes a Whitesnake music video and I'm not mad at it |
Jojo and the Boyz leave for their “hot date” and Chad heads
to the backyard to fashion a weight belt out of a suitcase filled with protein
shake powder (no seriously) and do pull ups as the other guys laugh and call
him “meathead to the max.” It felt a
little bit like the pot calling the kettle black, but also I agreed with the
non-Chads. (Random aside: HOT DATE is
the name of my lovely pal Katina Corrao’s new standup album and it is
hilarious—take a listen and buy it!)
The group date rolls up to a fire academy which will be
today’s activity and emotional Evan is NOT excited. All 10 guys will train as firefighters, the
top 3 will compete in a final challenge, and the final winner will get more
alone time with Jojo. Jojo repeatedly
says that firefighters are HOT and I agree (shout out to my on-again-off-again
dinner date partner Joe, the driver of FDNY Engine 24). The guys tackle the challenges and gentle
soul Wells nearly dies of heat stroke, which wins him some alone time with Jojo
(oldest trick in the Bachelor book). The
top 3 are Grant, Luke, and Wells (huh?) so they compete in the final challenge,
which Grant wins handily.
Meanwhile back at the house James Taylor is strumming his 6
string (because OF COURSE HE IS) and leading a sing-along as Chad scowls
nearby. A date care arrives for Derek
(dorky looking, sorta large ears) and he’ll be embarking on a 1:1 with Jojo
that is all about CHOICES (or as my Bachelorette podcast co-host Dava Krause
put it, the segment producers are tired, so figure our your own date,
contestants!).
At the “hot date” after party, Jojo wears a gorgeous 2 piece
white dress with cut-outs and reminds us that her taste in fashion is
dreamy. Daniel continues to try to make
“Damn Daniel” happen, Grant makes a great impression, Wells is goofy and brings
along photos of his dog, effusive Evan admits that he has children, Jojo
repeatedly tells the guys “you did good” and brings shame to the Language Arts
teachers of her youth, Luke says that his last breakup was 2013 and then shoves
his tongue down Jojo’s throat. After all
that, Wells scores the rose, much to Luke’s surprise.
The next day is Jojo and Derek's 1:1 date and they hop in Jojo’s
vintage convertible to launch into a day of choices. Every choice they make is one I would NOT
have made, but what do I know? I’m just a gal who has been in the dating pool
about 8-10 years longer than they have! Hahhahhah [tears]. They choose “sky” (over sea), “north” (over
south), “dressed down” (over dressed up), and “Golden Gate Bridge” (over
Lombard Street) and end up drinking and making out by the bridge.
That night Jojo rocks a sparkly cocktail dress (perfection)
and she and Derek eat dinner by the water.
Derek speaks briefly about his last relationship, saying that it was a
long relationship and they were both ready to get married but “there was
another person.” WHY does it seem like
on this show, nobody is allowed to say “my partner cheated”? This has come up a few times and there’s
always a strange song and dance about “another person”—is it because this airs
primetime and ABC prefers to speak in euphemisms at that time? Seems unlikely
since the show after The Bachelorette is called MISTRESSES but who knows? They make out by a fountain (did anyone else
have Carrie + Aiden break-up flashbacks from that fountain scene?) and Derek
scores a rose.
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| Oh man I wish we had gotten a Trigger Warning for that fountain kiss scene because all I could think of was Aiden saying "if you don't want to marry me right now, you'll never want to marry me." |
While Jojo and Derek were busy talking about “other people,”
back at the Bachelor mansion a bromance was blossoming between Chad and Damn
Daniel! I can only guess that they
bonded over their shared love of tank tops, excessive bicep workouts, and
protein shake metaphors. The other guys
continue a sing-along (which is, admittedly, extremely corny, but also, how
else do you pass the time in that weird poolside jail?) while Chad and Daniel
agree that perceived “good guys” are actually bad dudes (I hate that I’m
agreeing with these two jags, but I MUST agree with them on this).
Date #3 will take place at Los Angeles ESPN office and the
lucky crew is Jordan (not husky, but still a hottie), Christian (smiley), Nick
(bland), James Taylor (STOP CALLING YOURSELF THAT), Alex (tiny hero), Chad
(complete psychopath).
Jojo and the hosts of Sports Nation (Max and Marcellus)
greet the guys and inform them that today’s date will be 3 challenges: a
celebratory dance with a rose, a dizzy bat proposal, and a press
conference. Every guy has fun with it
and acts goofy and appropriate except for Chad, who has NO boundaries (how
about you don’t PICK UP a girl who you can’t stop reminding us you HARDLY KNOW)
and says that she’s “a little naggy.” Ohh you really know how to sweet talk a
lady, don’t you, Chad?
After the challenges, Max and Marcellus release their power
rankings and they are:
#3 – Alex (tiny hero who had a good comment with regard to
Chad, “just because you’re being honest doesn’t mean you’re right”)
#2 – Chad (they hosts said they appreciate his “emotional
honesty” BARF)
#1 – James Taylor (a broken clock is right twice a day and I
guess that you can always find a new audience who will find your “spontaneous”
singing interesting that first time)
The guys sit down and Chad reprimands them for fawning all
over Jojo when they hardly even know her. A few guys say that they’re just
having fun, going with the activities, and Chad then says, “oh so this is all a
JOKE to you?” Oh man Chad. Wow.
You’re a real basket case. Either
you’re unstable enough to not understand what you are doing, or you’re going to
scold everyone for being TOO INTO IT one moment, then NOT TAKING IT SERIOUSLY
enough the next moment. I pity your
co-workers, family, and friends.
The after party happens at the Houdini Estate and Jojo rocks
a fringed, white top, black pants and boots, and never makes a single joke
about disappearing. Lost opportunity
right there. James Taylor tells Jojo
that “a smile is the only thing you can see on the outside that come from the
inside” (huh?) then reads her a note about how much he loves God and her. Chad
spends the after party serving as a Roman Chorus and judging/commenting on
every person and the specific ways in which they are ALL doing everything wrong
(oh Chad, read some Pema Chodron, would ya?) before getting his alone time with
Jojo. He says that his last relationship was
4 years ago and he’s been too busy working over the past 4 years to find love.
He admits that his mother died 6 MONTHS ago and everyone in Bachelor Nation
gasped because he is NOT READY to be on a reality TV show right now, it’s so
damn obvious. He’s SO angry and doesn’t
seem to have properly mourned his mother and processed his grief (but again,
I’m merely a self help book addict and not a trained professional). Thankfully, Jojo’s heart strings aren’t
tugged THAT HARD by Chad and she gives the rose to James Taylor who is probably
going to Carolina in his mind, ya know?
The next evening it’s cocktail party/rose ceremony time and
Jojo arrives at the mansion wearing a maroon, sequined gown to find Chad
waiting for her on the stairs. They
don’t seem to have much of a connection beyond him being VERY INTENT on talking
to her (which is flattering, I suppose) and her finding him strange (and
jacked). Jojo enters the house WITH Chad
which inspires Alex to start grilling him on what happened in the
driveway. Oh Alex, don’t you have bigger
fish to fry? (That was NOT a short joke.)
During the cocktail party Chase takes Jojo on a mini-date
(snow, mittens, conversation), Chad puts back enough deli meat to feed a
Superbowl Party, Jojo and some anonymous looking white guy toilet paper the
house (huh?), Chad says that the guys are “butt hurt” (holy homophobic
language, Batman) then attempts to craft metaphors about the other guys as Care
Bears and West Side Story gang (Jets or Sharks, dude?). Alex finally confronts
Chad and Chad, ever the poet says “fuck you for real” and threatens to knock
his teeth out. Somebody get this guy a therapist FOR REAL. Props to Alex for standing up to Chad, though.
Finally it’s rose ceremony time. James Taylor, nerdy Derek,
and Wells have roses already. Who scores
a lapel flower?
-Alex (tiny hero and Chad says that Jojo is only keeping him
around “so that America won’t think that she hates short people” which is
completely inappropriate but also hilarious)
-Christian (nice light suit)
-Robby (I was NOT feeling the bow tie, but I respect him for
trying)
-Luke (cowboy who can look really hot or really ugly
depending on the angle)
-Chase (cute dude, no tie, good look)
-Jordan (she ignored him during week 1—GOOD WORK, JOJO!)
-Grant (firefighter in vest, I’m not loving that look)
-Ali (looking great in vest AND jacket)
-Daniel (vampire dweeb)
-James F. (handsome Count Chocula)
-Nick (lil boring but harmless)
-Vinny (his life is one big Shape Up and yes, that’s a
barber joke NOT A SHOE JOKE)
-Evan (overly emotional erectile dysfunction dude will live
to see another week)
-Chad (I would hope that his last place finish would inspire
some self-reflection, but probably not)
So who is hopping in a limo to LAX where they’ll wait in a
TSA line for 4-5 hours?
-Hipster guy (snooze)
-James the Bachelor superfan who seemed to wear white eyeliner
-Will (boring and lumpy)
Next week’s episode is a 2 night event and I’m on it!
Question for you, dear readers: how many weeks do you think
we have left of Chad before he self-destructs? 2 or 3, max? Place your bets in
the comments!
Hilarious as always.
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