When we left off last time, Shawntel was going back to Chico and the remaining three ladies were packing for a trip to South Africa. Because nothing prepares you for what a REAL relationship will be like, quite like going on ridiculously far-flung trips with your would-be beloved.
The first date goes to Chantal and she looks super cute in her safari chic button-down and cut-off shorts. As my viewing buddy, comedian George Gordon put it, “Chantal’s got a badonka donk” and indeed she does. Brad is wearing a corny hat that doesn't COVER his limited vocabulary. Heyo! The two hop in an open jeep and see a bunch of animals. Brad does what existentialists would call, “creating your own omens” when he thinks that somehow seeing a lion (his favorite animal) while on a date with Chantal (specifically), has some sort of special meaning. OK Brad, if you decide that means something, then believing makes it so, I suppose. Brad and Chantal change clothes and eat dinner in the bush. I’m going to keep it clean and not make any tawdry bush jokes here, dear readers. You see how classy I am!? I’m so classy that I’m hosting a cocktail party on Thursday night. I’m a WASP, it’s what we do. But back to the bush. They eat dinner, then Brad breaks out a note about potential humps, which he refers as “from Chris Harrison” which I find creepy and bizarre. Why is Chris Harrison the one giving his blessing for these two lovebirds to be “intimate”? They decide to “forego their individual rooms” and hook it in a treehouse.
Emily is up next and apparently she and Chantal went safari shopping together, as her shirt is just like Chantal’s from yesterday. Emily and Brad ride an elephant, watch baby elephants bathe, and eat snacks. I found their segment wholly forgettable. Then they eat dinner and, despite the misleading promos for this episode, Emily DOES opt to visit the fantasy suite with Brad. In the words of the wonderful, pixie-like gay dude who lived downstairs from me during my freshman year of college, “Awww sookie sookie now.”
Ashley’s date is last and, unfortunately for her, least. They spend the day enjoying a beautiful view while drinking, but conversation is stilted somewhat. Brad seems to want every woman to expressly say that she will drop her life, move to Austin, and work around him. I truly think that Ashley *would* do that, but she doesn’t verbalize it well. When he asks her about where she’d want to live, she talks about warm weather and family. I don’t think she grasped the gravity of that question—that Brad was basically asking if she would move to Austin, specifically. Dude should have just outright asked, if that’s what he wanted to know. He seems to think that her career as a dentist will limit her willingness to relocate, which makes me bananas because Ashley is being punished for being career-oriented and driven. Meanwhile, executive assistant Chantal and party planner Emily are never grilled about their ambitions. It’s all very retrograde, but I’m kidding myself to expect anything remotely progressive from a reality TV dating show. OK, I’ll get off my soap box now.
Things go from bad to worse over a candle lit (and bug-filled) dinner, where Ashley shoots for a new record in the use of the word “like.” Yes, I have officially become my father. Brad and Ashley talk in circles, with her adjusting her hair and repeating “like” while managing to say nothing, and Brad looking dumb behind the eyes while saying he has a hard time expressing himself. Painful. They hit up the fantasy suite, though, because nothing erases a night of strained conversation quite like an awkward hump, am I right? (No.)
Time for a rose ceremony at sunset. The three ladies line up with the sunset directly in their eyes--ouch. Emily’s dress is fantastic. Chantal’s hair looks great. And as a predictor of what’s to come, Ashley doesn’t look so great. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s white women in near-flesh-tone dresses or any clothing that’s tan/beige/flesh tone. It’s not doing anybody any favors, white women. Brad walks down to the ceremony and assumes the position to dole out the roses, but instead he asks Ashley if they can talk. I wonder if Ashley knew that this would be her walk out, at that moment. She probably did. I must say: for how thick Brad seems, and the fact that this is his second go-round on the Bachelor, he’s actually quite sensitive to how the women feel. He explains that he didn’t want to put Ashley through a formal rose ceremony and have her only figure out that she’s going home by not hearing her name. He’d rather talk to her about it. Maybe I’m a sucker (yes), but I was really impressed by that. Ashley handles it remarkably well. Of course she’s upset, but she’s smart enough to get out of there quickly.
So it’s down to a blonde vs. brunette match-up—I love it! Emily’s sweet platinum perfection versus Chantal’s gorgeous chocolate locks. It’s like a good hair-off, and the prize is a dumb guy with a sick body.
Next week is my favorite episode of the season, “The Women Tell All” and we’re going to hear from crazypants Michelle; brawlin’ and self-destructing duo Melissa and Raichel (remember them? Melissa is pretty… pretty BUSTED (Boom! Thanks to the 6th grade boy who wrote that joke for me) and Raichel doesn’t know what “obstruct” means); Chico chica Shawntel; Madison the overrated vampire; Sporty Spice look-alike Alli and more. Aww snap I’m ready for drama drama! I have a feeling a whole lotta ladies are going to be insisting that they were misunderstood and misrepresented—bring it on! In the words of Jason Aldean, this episode is “my kind of party” am I right!? What, no country music fans amongst my legions of readers!? Get with it!
In this episode, Brad criss-crossed the country (but not in backward jeans like the eponymous 1992 child rap duo) for hometown dates. He started things off in NYC where he stood on a tiny patio and stared out at (what looked like) midtown, inevitably thinking, “Why am I being flown from here to Seattle, then to Maine, then back across the country to Cali, then to NC, only to end up in NYC?” Or perhaps that’s giving him too much credit. His thoughts were probably, “Duh… did the producers instruct me to stare off longingly, or pensively? And what do those words mean, anyway?”
The hometown dates started off with Chantal’s family in Seattle. Holy crypes their house is like a McMansion on steroids with a dash of Hearst Castle and a pinch of nouveau riche. Her family actually seems really functional, despite the fact that both parents appear to have had work done. I’m not ragging on people who have plastic surgery, that’s for damn sure. I’m just pointing it out because I can spot plastic surgery at 50 paces. It’s one of the skills you develop as a WASP. That, and the ability to throw a mean cocktail party. Brad and Chantal’s father have a really sweet talk by his statue (Self Made Man, which was quite badass) and I can’t tell if they’re really connecting, or if Brad’s just schmoozing him. I hope it was genuine because it was a very nice moment.
Then it’s off to northern Maine where Ashley’s SUPER ENERGETIC family awaits. The apple doesn’t fall far from the ‘ole Acadian apple tree, eh? Brad and Ashley spend some time at a diner eating what she calls “putin” that she tries to pass off as a northern Maine/Acadian delicacy, but we all know what’s going on here: Disco Fries, baby! Fries covered in cheese and gravy is what we call disco fries and eat when we’re drunk! Come on! Disco fries is a brilliant name for the food because it distracts from the fact that you’re eating FAT covered in FAT with a sauce on top made of FAT. But the name is all like, “Shhh… let’s just do the hustle, OK? Why don’t you ring my bell? You really ARE more than a woman—I aint just saying that, baby doll.” (I know a bit about disco because I went through a phase in high school when I loved disco, no joke. Not the coolest era in my history. I also went to my junior prom with a guy whose last name was Bell and yes, I spent a LOT of prom night making jokes that combined his name and the hit disco song “Ring My Bell.”)
Where were we!? OK, Brad and Ashley have dinner with Ashley’s family and wow—Ashley’s family is just as bubbly and bouncy as she is. Her mom seemed really funny and sweet, I must say. And her sister was a tattoo machine! I like it!
Then Brad took a cross-country trip down to Chico, CA to meet Shawntel’s mortician family. If I knew more about the Adam’s Family, I’d make a weird joke about mortician families right now. Alas, that joke is not to be because I never watched that show. I didn’t have cable as a kid, OK!? Shawntel gets thrown under the bus by the producers, as she leads Brad through the mausoleum and tells him all about cremation and embalming. I’d be willing to bet MONEY that the producers pushed for this day of death because it’s good/creepy television. None of the other girls walked Brad through their JOBS, ya know? Ashley didn’t give him a cleaning. Chantal didn’t answer his phone or fax some papers. Emily didn’t plan an event for a hospital that Brad owns… errr… bah! Whatever. You know what I mean. None of the other girls walked Brad through their workplace. Shawntel’s family seemed very nice (despite the fact that her sister is named DESTINY and I think we all know what your destiny is when your given name is DESTINY), but there was some tension about the ‘ole family business. I just can’t even hear the words “Chico” without thinking of the awful mall women’s clothing store. Sucks to be from a place with a negative connotation like that, Shawntel. Sucks a lot.
Then Brad & Emily hang out in North Carolina with her daughter Ricki! So yes, Emily took a leap of faith and let Brad meet Ricki, which was big. Ricki was a sweetheart and they flew a kite together, had a picnic, and attempted to bond as much as you can when cameras are rolling. Back at their house, Brad seemed confused by the fact that Ricki would be upstairs sleeping anytime Emily would be home with her. That’s how it goes, buddy. When someone has a kid, her/she is around. When the kid goes to bed upstairs and you guys hang out downstairs, the KID IS STILL UPSTAIRS. Brad seemed stunned and bewildered by this.
Time for a rose ceremony at the Gansevort Hotel in NYC! Aww snap! Across the street from Pastis and Soho House! Party time! ABC didn’t rent a deluxe suite for this rose ceremony, though, and the ladies walk actually obtain the rose from Brad was about three steps. Who didn’t get a rose? The hottest mortician in the biz, Shawntel. Like Biggie said, Shawntel is going back to Cali strictly for the weather, women, and the weed. Or, for her job and family in Chico. Either way, we’re down to three ladies. Until next week!
The six remaining ladies (Michelle the crazy; Ashley, my sister in A cups; Shawntel the hot mortician; Chantal the good time spitfire; Emily the Barbie mom; and Britt the emaciated food writer), Brad, and a team of producers/date planners move from Costa Rica to Anguilla because NBC will NOT air an episode of “The Bachelor” in which women aren’t in bikinis at some point.
Shawntel gets the first 1:1 date and I gotta say, she’s a rad girl. Brad and Shawntel go for a bike ride, walk around a farmer’s market, and do double-dutch (the real thing, not the dance move that my best friend Suzanne and I do when you’re at a crowded club and we break out imaginary jump rope and get everybody in on that action). That night they eat dinner together and talk about their respective fathers (Shawntel’s is great, Brad’s is MIA). They enjoy a concert by Bankie Banks, the most famous singer in Anguilla (and finalist for the most redundant name of all time), then go swimming. Shawntel is wearing a sequined bikini and exposes a giant tattoo on her lower back. Wow, lady who works with dead bodies has got ink all over the back of her body. I bet her favorite “Clue” character is Mr. Body, right? I bet her favorite line from Olivia Newton John’s “Let’s Get Physical” is, “let me see your body work.” This paragraph is going nowhere.
Emily and Brad are the next 1:1 and what do we got here? Champagne, a helicopter ride to a private island, lunch and presumably some swimming (because they kept cutting to shots of the two with wet hair, then dry hair—way to go on continuity, NBC!), then dinner on the beach. Emily’s unsure if she would want to introduce her daughter to Brad (understandably) and Brad’s a bit pushy. So that they can speak openly, he tells her that he is definitely giving her a rose in the next ceremony. In the words of Chris Harrison, UNPRECEDENTED! Brad’s breakin’ all the rules like a regular Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli (learn your “Happy Days” trivia, people).
Up next, Britt goes on a 1:1 with Brad and they hang out on a yacht. Just your average date. When Britt gets in a bikini, her emaciated frame is almost hard to look at. Seriously—girl is way too thin. They end the date with dinner on the yacht and Brad drops the bomb (or anchor?) that he’s just not feeling it with Britt. She’s then escorted off the yacht, onto a dinky raft with only a motor and a GIANT SPOTLIGHT on her. Poor thing. She goes back to the house to pack and all the other women are positively stunned that Britt is being sent home. Had they not noticed the elimination of every woman before Britt? Thems the breaks, kids.
That night, “The Bachelor” turns into sorority pledging, as the ladies are roused at 2:00 am and taken outside. Will they be blindfolded and driven to Colgate, left there, and told to find a way home!? Will they be dropped in the woods and told to find a way back to campus while carrying a fire extinguisher? Will they be asked to recite the Greek alphabet over and over? No—they’re brought to a makeshift beauty salon where they are done up for a sunrise photo shoot that will appear in the Sports Illustrate Swimsuit Issue. So much better than collegiate sisterhood! NBC keeps it classy as both Ashley and Chantal pose topless (using strategically-placed hands and seashells), then Michelle one-ups them by posing atop Brad. (Topless and atop—see what I did there!? No moronic regurgitation of “top” words would be complete without a tribute to the place that used to be Weston Massachusetts’s most beloved dry cleaner, TIP TOPS!) Where were we!? Oh yes, boobies in primetime and Brad acting like a boob. BOOM! Brad has one rose to give out on this date and he gives it to Ashley, who acts like she’s 11 going on 12.
Let’s get to the good stuff, shall we?
Ashley already has a rose and Brad has three roses to hand out. Britt already got the boot, so only one lady’s going home. First rose goes to Emily. We knew that was coming. Second rose to the hot mortician, Shawntel. Now it’s down to Chantal or Michelle. In the words of Guns ‘n Roses masterwork, My Michelle, “Well well well, you just can’t tell” AM I RIGHT!? Chantal is anxious and convinced that she’s going home. Michelle seems cool as an (insane) cucumber, which makes it even more beautiful when Brad says, “Chantal.” Most bachelors keep the crazy, unlikable one around until the bitter end. Not Brad Womack. Graceless Michelle walks out, refusing to speak to Brad or let him touch her. Then in the car, she refuses to say anything and simply flops down on the seat.
Next week: Hometown Dates!
Boulevard Terrace (Street in Brighton, MA)
Auditorium Theatre (Theater Chicago, IL)
Epoch Times (National Newspaper)
Street Road Accessories (auto parts store in Feasterville, PA)
Diner Grill (Restaurant in Chicago)
