Golden Bachelorette - Sexagenarian Buddies

Better late than never when it comes to my recaps, am I right!?!?!? 

OK, so in Week 4 at the legendary Bachelor Manse, our group had been pared down to 11 total and those guys are becoming BESTIES. Honestly, I LOVE watching the camaraderie of the men. There's Charles L. leading the guys in some morning tai chi, Guy lifting weights, and the men sharing what a treat it is to all live together in a geriatric fraternity house (I say this with a lot of love!)

The date card arrives and Pascal reads off the names, so "Jonathan" literally sounds like "Gelatin" which had me confused for a while there.  The guys who will be going on the group date are Johnathan, Pascal, Dan, Charles L, Gary, Mark, Gil, Chock, and Keith.  

Jordan and Guy were left off the group date card, which made me assume they'd be going on the dreaded 2-on-1 date BUT it seems like perhaps they are sparing these men that indignity.  

The group date is a strip show (for a live audience of Bachelor Nation die-hards AKA MY COMMUNITY) and the men get a body roll bootcamp from REAL Chippendales Dancers. The dynamic between the professionals and the amateurs would have looked a bit more like this 

if ABC would cast some HUSKY DAD BODS and give the fans what they WANT! (Right?? RIGHT? Who's with me? HUSKY ZADDY OR BUST!). These men are all in very good shape, even if they're a bit scrawny.  Some of the guys are LOVING it and everyone does their best. 

The strip show is a fundraiser for Stand Up 2 Cancer which is a SLY MOVE by the Producers.  Back in 2020 (Clare's short season) the guys played strip dodgeball and eternal piece of shit Yosef had a BIG PROBLEM with it (watch that scene here) and the producers learned a lesson, it seems. If you're going to ask grown men to strip, you GOTTA have it be for charity.  People LOVE being righteous and outraged at things that they can use as a cudgel to prove their purity, but if you put a philanthropic angle in there, they can't really do that. So, in the words of Chock, "can I get a drink? I'd like to have about 3 chardonnays."  

The guys all do great, Kaitlyn Bristow provides excellent comic relief and levity, and Joan has a blast. My favorite was when Gary, all done up as a professor in SO many layers of button down and tweed RIPPED OFF his entire top--shirt and jacket and all! 

At the after party, Chock shows that he knows how to do this, asking Joan questions about how her mother is doing (BY NAME), saying "let's talk about us" when the conversation gets side-tracked, and generally being super charming and accessible.  Let him be a guide for future men of HOW IT IS DONE.  The young bucks often have in-house drama and waste their time with The Bachelorette badmouthing somebody else, but not these Golden Boyz!! They keep their eyes on their own paper and make use of their 1:1 time with Joan!  

Chock gets the group date rose and the other guys smile encouragingly. GOD I LOVE THIS SHOW! Such healthy masculinity! 

But things can turn on a dime, as the next morning, Chock gets a call that his mother has just died and he needs to leave immediately.  He and Joan have a tearful goodbye and she heads into more dates, unsure if Chock will ever return or what.  Oh also, when Chock told all the other men that he had to leave because his mother just died, many of the other men cried!! They shared their feelings and honored his grief in such tender ways.  

Up next, Jordan (Chock look-alike but a smidge older) and Joan are going on a potential hip-breaking adventure aka ice skating in your 60s! GREAT IDEA, PRODUCERS!  What could go wrong? 

Poor Jordan assures Joan that he is fine but we literally just watched a 61 year old man break his tailbone. But the injury was worth it because he gets a rose!  Also, a bunch of decorative trees part to reveal--surprise--2 members of REO Speedwagon performing "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore." During their sit-down, Jordan seemed to share that his ex-wife had cheated on him and then he moved in with his children after that? Dramatic! 

Up next is Guy who is being driven to Joan's house which is--correct me if I'm wrong--the super rich lady's house from BIG LITTLE LIES!!??!?! 

Joan and Guy cook dinner together and Guy is CLUELESS in the kitchen. Joan comes off as SO kind and easygoing--she could make a date fun with anyone and I appreciate her for that. Finally they go eat outside and Guy says something profound about his ex-wife of 34 years: "We spent 30 years trying not to hurt each other's feelings." HOO BOY GUY, that is LOADED and I think a TON of people relate to it!  I wonder how many people in not-so-great relationships or marriages are out there watching this and realizing, "hey, I could see what else there is?" It reminds me of times when people have told me about an old relationship or marriage and been like, "we were together for 5 years, but the last 2 years of that were just coasting on fumes." I DO NOT GET IT! WALK AWAY!! What are you going to do with this one wild and precious life--DO NOT WASTE IT!  There will NEVER be an ideal time to break up--it will always be painful and crappy, but GOOD LORD do not waste years of your life on a mediocre relationship with a person who you don't love anymore. 

END RANT 

I get the sense that Guy has done some self-reflection, "done the work" as we say in therapy.  In fact I was mistaken and it seems that Guy was the man in this season who had a restraining order taken out against him--he seems to touch on how much he could NOT handle the split-up at first. He seems to have accepted it and moved forward now.  He gets a rose. 

The next evening it's time for a cocktail party and Joan is in a white gown with sexy cut-outs. Pascal pulls her aside immediately and she says that she needs a bit more effort from him (citing his very French "air of indifference") and he responds to that. He almost reminds me of all-time-worst Bachelor Juan Pablo in that way--he's just NOT American and doesn't quite have that stereotypically American courtship style (very straightforward, almost needy and loud). Bravo to Joan for telling him what she needs from him. 

Then she has a bowl of Cheerios with Jonathan in a product-placement scene that was SO obvious, but not as cringey as I assumed it would be.  Joan sits down with Keith who sweats through a non-conversation to which he brings NOTHING and Joan does the work.  

Then--who struts up to the mansion steps in a sleek, black suit and calls out to Joan but CHOCK!! He's back! They must have had a SUPER FAST funeral or something because 'ole Chocky is here and STILL READY FOR LOVE!  (Mark my words: When couples are just getting to know each other and one of them experiences a tragic situation, it MELDS THEM TOGETHER through a shared trauma/grief. I'll be curious how that works out here.) ALSO, Chock got to do a maneuver that ALWAYS pays off which is: Make yourself scarce for a while so they can miss you, then RETURN!! It works EVERY TIME!  

It's time for 4 roses to be handed out and 4 men will be going home.  Chock, Jordan, and Guy already have roses, so they are safe.  The buds are handed to: 

-Pascal - Frenchie wins! I don't see him being in the final 4, but they seem to understand each other nicely 

-Jonathan - He's a gem. Rocking a black turtleneck under a suit jacket like a sexy assed spy! 

-Mark - He's Kelsey's dad (she was winner of last season with Joey I think? I don't watch the normal franchise because I want to weep at this show and the youths don't provide that). 

-Keith - Girl Dad who FLAILED this episode but somehow made it through. 

So going home we have Charles L (a national treasure), Gil (seems lovely), Gary (MY FAVE! Meet me in Palm Springs for cocktails, my friend!), and Dan (sweet but he and Joan didn't seem to get to that deeper level). 

As the episode closed, the guys are heading home filmed their final thoughts outside the mansion and the guys who were picked came outside to hug them and say goodbye once more. They refer to each other as "brothers," they say "I love you" openly to one-another. Charles L. had the perfect final comment: He said how he arrived there in sadness, then he bonded with these men as friends and that friendship is a "different form of love--I did find it." OH CHARLES YOU ARE TOO PERFECT FOR THIS WORLD! 

But for real--watching these men make new friends as sexagenarians (THAT IS LITERALLY WHAT AGES 60-69 ARE CALLED AND I AM DYYYYING) has been a pleasure. It's feel good TV and it feels authentic, candid, and delightful.  

Golden Bachelorette - We Are the Mansion Men (?)

This week we had a dramatic kickball game, two 1:1s, lots of tears, trauma talk™, and a wanna-be Rodgers and Hammerstein.  

The week started off with a 1:1 between Pascal and Joan and I must admit, Pascal has never been my favorite.  He seemed helpless and proud of it (asking the Danny Bonaduce look-alike to do his laundry), which is SO unappealing.  But in his 1:1, we got to know the tender heart beneath the French accent and shears and Pascal’s life story made me weepy.  Poor guy revealed to Joan that he grew up in severe neglect, raised by parents who seemed to resent him for being born.  HOO BOY.  They jetted off to Las Vegas, where they dined at a faux Eiffel Tower (built to 1/3 scale, if it’s anything like the fake Venice, Italy in Las Vegas) and that date felt like THE MOST AMERICAN idea for a French contestant.  As we used to say in my AP French class, FORMIDABLE!  Pascal and Joan seem to make a tender love connection and he scores a rose. 

Next is a group date and while The Bachelorette LOVES forcing the men to box or endure physical challenges that usually result in at least one contestant being taken out in an ambulance (it’s called GOOD TV, people—look it up!), these producers aren’t looking to break hips (only hearts), so they men are about to have a kickball tournament.  The hipsters who hijacked McCarren Park in Brooklyn with their kickball leagues and knee-high socks circa 2006 APPROVE!  

The group date is Chock, Gil, Dan (sweet guy with the hand tremor), Charles L (sweetest, funniest guy), Charles K (I will NOT call him CK), Gregg (Danny Bonaduce), Gary (my fave), Guy (ER doctor with big smile), Kim (Navy dude), Jordan (Chock look-alike), Mark (whose “job” is listed as “Girl Dad”).  They are split into 2 teams and force-fed Quaker Oats because that is the sponsor of this event (I’m not kidding).  Jessie Palmer and Joan do color commentary and are funnier than you’re think. Charles L makes some great kickball moves despite having, as he shares with us, “no experience with kickball.”  This guy is SO funny and he is NEVER TRYING and that is WHY it works.  The blue team wins, so they get an afterparty with Joan and she wears a blue dress like some sorta Democrat smoke show (we’re ALL smoke shows, baby! Go DONKEYS! HARRIS/WALZ 2024 OR WE ARE LITERALLY GOING TO DIE!).  

Charles shares with Joan that when his wife passed, she had a heart attack or a brain aneurism (I’m sorry I can’t recall but I had had a few drinks AND I was half asleep while watching so my notes are chicken scratch and I’m stunned that I can read ANYTHNG off them) and she fell over and when she was taken to the hospital, she had blood seeping out of her mouth.  This scared Charles and he has spent 10 years wondering, “how did she have blood in her mouth?”  Earlier that week, in the house, Charles asked ER doctor Guy what he thought.  Poor guy, Guy (ya see that?) must get hit with every medical question any stranger has EVER pondered anytime he leaves his house.  Guy is lovely and patient with Charles and explains that it’s likely she bit her lip when she fell over, so it was just a bit of blood from that but nothing more sinister or deadly. This information is SO helpful and cathartic to Charles in processing his grief.  

THIS is part of why the Golden version of the franchise is so lovely AND so different from the standard version—in GOLDEN land, there is a sense that, duh, we have all had previous partners and heartbreaks and loss.  In the regular Bachelor/Bachelorette world, discussing ANY previous partner is usually unwise.  Some people might share that they went through a breakup and that inspired them to submit for the show, or that they have endured heartbreak, but you really DO NOT want to dwell on it. You do NOT want to make it seem like you loved anyone else THAT much, or the other contestants will use it against you and insinuate that you aren’t FULLY committed to the lead and thus not “there for the right reasons” (a deadly curse in Bachelor land).  

So anyway, it’s really powerful to watch Charles L. process his grief over his beloved wife, explore his feelings, and even learn new things that are helping him find resolution and peace.  I mean, the guy is NOT going to win Joan’s heart, but I’m glad he can heal his own and he so charming and funny while doing so.  

I don’t think anyone gets a rose at the end of that date but I maaaay be wrong?  

Up next is the 1:1 date of Joan and Jonathan.  Sweet Jonathan is NOT super thrilled to get the 1:1, as he is anxious about “being seen” and man, this one made me weepy, too.  I understand why he may be nervous about getting to know her TOO quickly—you need to have JUST the right timing in Bachelor-land—you don’t want to blow your metaphorical emotional load too early on.  But also, he’s apprehensive about fully letting her in (and, I’d guess, about letting all the TV viewers in).  He gets a rose meanwhile back at the house, Navy Captain Kim is attempting to FORCE the other men to sing an ORIGINAL DITTY that he has written called “We Are The Mansion Men” which is as catchy as it is corny.  The rhythm and lyrics reminded me of a song from ANIMAL CRACKERS that we performed my senior year in High School.  Check that out here if you want to hear another mostly-annoying song that shrieks “amateur musical theater.”  

Kim’s song is all about how they are the Mansion Men and they’re sad and lonely and want to win Joan’s heart.  Speak for yourself on the sad and lonely stuff, my dude!  A lot of the men are NOT eager to bust out a song like they’re elementary school students at an all-school assembly.  In the end, only sweet ER doctor Guy is willing to sing with Kim and they seem to have forged a sweet friendship.  Also bravo to the other guys for setting boundaries!  

At the cocktail party, Joan is looking gorgeous in a blush, sparkly gown (somewhat surprising, as blush is NOT my favorite on white women) and the roses get handed out as follows: 

-Guy – ER doctor had a strong episode 

-Dan – Shaky hands can hold onto Joan’s heart (I’m sorry) 

-Gary – my fave who pushed back on the forced Mansion Men sing-along beautifully 

-Jordan – husky, white, older dude hottie

-Chock – husky, white, older dude hottie 

-Charles L – a man on an emotional journey through time and space and we love him 

-Keith – husky, white, older dude hottie 

-Mark – husky, white, older dude hottie  

So who is going home and hoping to leverage his appearance on The Golden Bachelorette into more dates on the local level? 

-Kim – ahh the Mansion Man is a Mansion Man no more. For a guy who said, in the talent show episode, that he was NOT into singing or performing, guy sure seemed to LOVE singing and performing 

-Charles K – He seemed like a sweet guy but I won’t miss hearing about CK 

-Greg – Danny Bonaduce look-alike can get back to his career of making appearances at Partridge Family Superfan Conventions  

What did you think?  Did you catch the previews of the next ep? I certain DID NOT! 

Golden Bachelorette - I'm Recapping Again!?

Hello again!

It has been EONS--literally about THREE YEARS--since I last posted.  Hoo man.  We have all lived through a lot these past 4 years and, well, the 4 years before that sucked pretty hard because we had a rapist maniac monster as President.  So we've been through quite a lot! 

As many readers may know, I used to crank out recaps of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette on here religiously for years--to the point that it got me a book deal!  Remember back when a blog could do that for ya? Those were heady times. 

Anyhoo--back in that era I was writing recaps weekly, working in publishing full time, doing standup at night, and working weekends as a Sex & the City Tour guide.  I had so much energy!  Now I just work full time and host the BETCHES BRIDES podcast (which you gotta listen to!) plus I'm hoping to bring back TWO WICK MINIMUM soon, and that's about all I can handle.  But the other night I caught up on THE GOLDEN BACHELORETTE and as I watched the rose ceremony, I thought to myself: ONE MORE SEASON.  So here we are.  

I'm hoping to stick with this one because I find the golden version of the show SO delightful.  The traditional show--where you watch 25-year-olds talk about how they're running out of time to find love (barf) has become tiresome to me.  The participants are there to become influencers and are very aware of how to get screen time--it all feels inauthentic and too calculated.  But the Golden Bachelor and Bachelorette--this shit is PURE!  It feels like season 1 of JERSEY SHORE before any of those crazy kids knew what would happen next.  The guys on THE GOLDEN BACHELORETTE don't know what group dates are!  They balk at the idea that not getting a rose on a 1:1 date means automatic elimination because they don't know what any of that means!  Nobody is trying to popularize a catchphrase or get a deliberate "villain edit"--they don't even know what an EDIT IS!  It's heavenly!  

So let's start at episode 2 because I feel like it (goddamn I forgot how FREE I feel on this blog).  Jesse Palmer is our intrepid host and in this episode, I think we may have seen a BIT of a personality out of him for the first time ever.  He really is like a rich man's Chris Harrison. 

Episode 2 will be a group date (a prom at a random high school that the production team has commandeered), a 1:1 date (to Disney World--QUICK RANDOM ASIDE--I just had to Google if the one in Florida is Disney World or Disney Land, but now that I think of it, they must have gone to the Disney in California since infamous Bachelor STD/SID Shack is in California BUT I DIGRESS--the POINT of this needless aside is to ask this question: Are you like me and unable to remember which one is Disney Land and which one is Disney World, and also, more important, do you agree that it DOES NOT MATTER? I feel like when I was younger, some shitbag was always acting smug and superior and being like, "Land is in California and World is in Florida" [righteous hair toss]  WHO CAAAAARES!?!?  Truly, who cares.  I take up my brain space with more important things. OK END OF RANT. Back to list of dates: and finally, a group date (a talent show that, I suspect, was at that same high school because that makes life easier for the production team. 

The prom date featured Taylor Dayne IN THE FLESH singing 2 of her hits and one of the guys had gone on a date with her before, which goes to show how small the 60+ dating pool must be in California.  That really does feel like, of all the 90s pop stars they had to book for this bizarro cameo, they had to book HER! The dudes break out some dance moves and Gary wins "Best Dressed" in my book--very few men can pull off a gold suit but he crushed it.  Jonathan confides in Joan that he was the only student of color at his high school and he didn't attend his prom and OH MAN I got weepy!  He scored the group date rose and I'm so glad.  

Up next is a 1:1 date that felt like a commercial for Disney and CHONK was up for it.  Oh I'm sorry--Chock.  His name is Chock and we're supposed to just accept that.  I take notes as I watch the show usually (I'm insane) and I must share that I have the description "husky, handsome, older white dude" next to Chock, Kim, Mark, Jordan, and Keith.  Chock and Jordan in particular are wholly interchangeable to me. I mean.... 

One is Chock and one is Jordan and they are BOTH here to audition for a pharmaceutical commercial where they throw a football through a tire swing while the voice over lists out possible side effects. 

Anyhoo, Chock seems solid, he is SUPER INTO FAMILY, and he scores a rose. 

The final group date is a talent show with an audience of random extras who are willing to give up 8 hours of their life to watch a Navy captain sing (bravo, Kim) and a poor man's Vidal Sassoon (Pascal) literally cut the hair of a wig.  Dan wins the group date rose, though, with his ribbon dance and candor about his hand tremor. God bless. 

Finally, it's time for a rose ceremony and Joan came to SLAY.  Can you even handle this lewk? 

I LOVE a cape moment--so dramatic.  I thought about doing some sort of a cape-style thing for my wedding, but it didn't really make sense for an August event.  Also I LOVE a bold color choice. Way to go, Joan.  So Jonathan, Chonk, and Dan already have roses so they're safe.  She handed out the buds as follows: 

-Mark - the youngest guy in the house and part of the "husky white dude" contingent. Also I just read that his son was on The Bachelor. 

-Gary - my personal favorite. A Black man who lives in Palm Springs (LOVE PS) who has great style and seems really kind and tender hearted. 

-Pascal - hairdresser from Chicago who is originally from France and methinks knows his way around a Botox appointment (and it looks great!). 

-Jordan - another husky white dude. Joan seems to dig him. 

-CK - ohhh a nickname!  This is Charles K who Joan lovingly calls "CK" which, sadly, reminds me of a comedy dude who absolutely destroyed the careers of 2+ women in comedy! Boooo! 

-Keith - yet another husky white dude but also, he's a goofy one. 

-Gil - tan, hot older gentleman who we haven't seen much from and I know he's getting very little screen time because of a legal issue, I read somewhere. 

-Charles L - the most endearing, unintentionally funny dude in the house who deserves a spin-off series. I mean, look at this punum: 

Before the rose ceremony he said something about how Joan's in charge and "Charle's not in charge" and I HOWLED!! Preserve this gemstone of a man at all costs! 

-Kim - Navy Captain who is a husky, white dude who embodies healthy masculinity to me. He has tips for how to live alongside a dozen other men (due to his time in the Navy) and he seems like a get-it-done, hardworking man who is very in touch with his emotions and self-aware. Just SUPER refreshing. 

-Gregg - guy who bears such a striking resemblance to Danny Bonaduce of The Partridge Family and I can think about nothing else when I see this guy.  Do you see it? 

You must. 

Then finally, 

-Guy - ER doctor with a big smile. 

So who is going home and going to nurse a broken heart in a situation that is at best a major mind fuck when you're 25 but has gotta be even TOUGHER when you're 60+ and just got turned down on national TV? 

-Bob - total sweetheart, ALLY, and friend to the Lesbian community 

-Christopher - he struck me as LOVELY and I'm sad to see him go back to Long Island 

-Jack - Chicago cook dude who should have been sent home on night 1. On that first night, he went into the kitchen and made an elaborate meal for himself and Joan and one might think, "well he's a cook! He's showing off his skills to a woman he want to impress" and I get that, but to me it felt like almost stealing focus from Joan. JOAN IS IN CHARGE (Charles is not hahah) and I felt like Jack making this BIG GESTURE showed that he doesn't have good boundaries.  That, and the wouldn't stop doing cannonballs in the pool.  

-Michael - quiet guy with reddish hair who seemed like a solid person but solid people don't make for good television, my friend. 

What did you think of this episode?