Before I start ragging on the guys for looking like a poor man's Wayne Arnold from "The Wonder Years" (I'm looking at you, lawyer stripper Josh from Chicago) or being fratty booze hounds (Ryan M.), I'd like to address this season's format, which pits Kaitlyn against Britt and allows the 25 suitors to vote for their preferred bachelorette.
This is some bullshit.
How is this The Bachelorette, which is ostensibly about a WOMAN doing the picking, and yet here we are with 25 men in the driver's seat. Huh? Over the course of this franchise there have been 19 seasons of The Bachelor and only 11 of The Bachelorette and ABC only started going boy-girl-boy-girl within the past few years. Before that it was season after season of a guy picking girls. It's too bad that in a rare season when it's the girl's turn to pick the guys, the producers have set up a competitive dynamic between two girls and then put the control into the guy's hands and THEY get to select the bachelorette. Chris Harrison's introductory remarks said that "change is never easy" (this isn't rolling out the Affordable Care Act, buddy) and that this season they have chosen to "let the men decide" are laughable and ridiculous. The men decide in almost EVERY OTHER SEASON! How about ONE friggin' season in which the WOMAN decides from start to finish? I'll get off my soap box soon and get down to the business of mocking D list, reality TV contestants, but this gimmick leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It disempowers the chosen bachelorette in that she knows that some of her suitors did not vote for her. It leaves her feeling LUCKY to be chosen rather than empowered and in possession of agency over her life and the show! Blech. I just hope that we don't end up with the dynamic that pervaded Ashley's season, when she often thanked the suitors and seemed overly appreciative that ANYONE wanted to date her. Blech. We'll see how it shakes out.
Time to talk some smack.
Change is hard, ratings are good, yadda yadda yadda. The ladies vying for the role of The Bachelorette are Kaitlyn Bristow (who the show describes as "funny, sexy, inappropriate" which is damn right) and Britt Nielsen (who the show describes as "sincere, emotional, very loving" which is damn wrong. I can think of no less appropriate adjective than SINCERE for that girl.) Britt looks like she may have gotten some facial fillers during the off season but maybe it's just contouring. They take their marks outside the Bachelor manse, Kaitlyn looking gorgeous in a black (navy?) sparkly dress and Britt in a fantastic flawy white dress with studded belt. Let's bring in the boyz.
Who will I be mocking this season or at least this episode?
-Ben H: software salesman from Colorado with a button nose and a gimmick to connect with Britt--sponsor children. Use whatever ya got, kid!
-Jonathan: Detroit guy in a red suit with a silver chain which is a lil too Color Me Badd for my taste. He has a cute kiddo at home and prefers Britt.
-Clint: blonde tank engine from IL who looks like a long haired Jake Pavelka. No thanks.
-Ryan B: realtor, grey suit, lots of volume in the hair.
-Jared: restaurant manager from Warwick, RI (the little state that CAN!) with super angular features who says that "Love Man" is his alter ego. Barf.
-Kupah: a Boston boy (I gotta love him for that!) who resembles a young LL Cool J. He's an "entrepreneur" and I just hope that his buddies can keep his Oxy business going while he's out of town.
-Brady: corny songwriter from Tennessee (wrong reasons alert!).
-Cory: residential developer from TX who feels pretty boring and we only just met him.
-Ian: HOTTIE executive recruiter who ran track at Princeton then got hit by a car (sob story alert!) but now can walk again. He whispers to Kaitlyn that he hopes she's the chosen one and I am on TEAM IAN!!!
-JJ: former investment banker (so... just a freelance American Psycho now?) from CO who shows a little personality with his hockey puck joke, but strikes me as a little corny.
-Ryan M.: whose job is "junkyard specialist" (like the ladies who dig through my apartment building's trash to get cans? I appreciate their environmentalism) who proceeds to get drunk, naked, gross, and kicked out. See ya in hell, psycho.
-Bradley: forgettable dude from ATL who enters in sweat band with a tennis racket.
-Bradley: forgettable dude from ATL who enters in sweat band with a tennis racket.
-Daniel: fashion designer from TN who dances in and has a sorta constant drunk face.
-Josh: the aforementioned stripper lawyer (I'm sorry, stripper law STUDENT which proves my theory that WAY TOO MANY Americans are going to law school just to go to law school and the proliferation of sub-par law schools is truly dangerous) who enters while dancing sexily. Who LEADS with the fact that he's a stripper? Oh also, Stripper Lawyer has that the word "JUSTICE" tattooed on your stomach? Are you serious? You make TuPac's "THUG LIFE" tattoo seem positively classy (RIP TuPac, you are appreciated.)
-Joe: insurance agent from KY who brought homemade moonshine (a boy after my heart) and is hella sweet and charming. Mama likes.
-Justin: trainer from Naperville IL who enters with balloons and has a son at home.
-Tanner: auto finance manager who mocks Britt for crying last season. Ouch.
-Shawn B: blonde personal trainer from CT who calls for a group hug (cute move). After picking up Britt he tells Kaitlyn that he is there for her. BOLD!
-David: dude from Orlando, FL who is Team Britt.
-Corey: investment banker from NYC who says to Kaitlyn, “I was hoping that he offer to plow your field was still on the table." Hilarious, and I usually hate banker types! Nice work, my friend.
-Tony: TOTALY FRIGGIN' WEIRDO "healer" with sorta long hair (and I normally love long hair on dudes) who says the exact same line to Britt and then to Kaitlyn. Also, he has remnants of a black eye. There were so many questions left unanswered with that guy!
-Shawn E: arrives in a hot tub convertible and says his job is "amateur sex coach" and who has a Canadian accent straight out of The Trailer Park Boys. At the close of the episode he clarifies that basically he thinks he's a good lay and isn't too shy to give tips to his partners. Women must LOVE you, buddy.
-Chris: dentist who arrives in a tiny cupcake that's a car. Hella masculine and sexy, bro!
-Joshua: sincere welder from Idaho who gives off good vibes.
-Ben Z: fitness coach from San Jose, CA who we heard about earlier (mother died when he was a teen) and who cleans up NICE.
I'm exhausted already! I won't bore you with the cocktail party standards--there's a lot of drinking, a lot of interrupting conversations to "steal away" the lucky lady, and far too many quotations from Swingers (Ryan M, have you seen a movie since 1998?). JJ calls Britt a "smoke show" and I had to mention it because that is straight up my favorite compliment (am I lame? Yes? OK.) During all of this, the guys hem and haw about whether they prefer Britt or Kaitlyn and each goes into a private room to vote with a rose. Meanwhile, Ryan M. is losing his grip on reality and he is removed from the mansion, but not before he can threaten to rape JJ (that wasn't a "rape joke" that was a bizarre threat) and blame everyone ELSE in the house for being "on his case." His parents must be so proud.
The episode ends with a "to be continued" message and then Tuesday night's episode begins with Bachelor Nation's BFF, Chris Harrison, giving Britt the news that she is being sent home and will not be the bachelorette. Halleluiah!! Go sleep in your make-up at home, girl. Kaitlyn will be finding love in this hopeless place called The Bachelorette and I'm PSYCHED! Kaitlyn is elated and her bachelorette duties start immediately with a rose ceremony. I'll try to keep this quick: Brady excuses himself mid-rose ceremony because he felt super connected to Britt (insincere dummies love insincere dummies), Shawn B. gets a first impression rose and the first real kiss from Kaitlyn, and the guys can barely keep their eyes open (seriously--that might be the LONGEST night in Bachelor/Bachelorette HISTORY and I'm not trying to be Chris Harrison dramatic here).
Who gets sent home?
-Hottie Latino guy David
-Canadian hot tub sex machine Shawn E.
-Stripper lawyer aka poor man's Wayne Arnold aka Justice Abs aka Josh (I could have had a FIELD DAY with you this season, kid).
-Bradley with the tennis racket (snooze)
Who am I expecting big things from this season? Ian, Shawn, and--I shudder to admit--Jared the angular feature/rat-like RI guy. Also, apparently Nick (Andi's cast off) is going to show up and hump down? It will be an exciting season! Good luck, Kaitlyn!