Monday night Andi Dorfman aka Ombre DA made the most important decision of these modern days, picking between Josh, a poor man's Kenny Powers whose job title is "Former Pro Baseball Player" (a job he quit 5 years ago) with hyper waxed eyebrows and tattoos in his armpits (hence my ingenious nickname for him: Armpit Tats) and Nick, a mischievous Milwaukee native who didn't get along well with other men (red flag) and spent the entire season bragging that he would win Andi's heart. Yes, this entire paragraph has been one long sentence. That's what commas are for, JAGS!
Nick met Andi's family first: mother Patti (they love their i names!), father Hy (who has an amazing poker face), sister Rachel, and brother-in-law Who Cares With A Bad Haircut. Nick makes a good impression by arriving with flowers for Patti and a bottle of booze for Hy (quite a dice roll--what if Hy's in recovery and/or a teetotaler?). Patti commented on how nervous Nick seemed but Nick wins over Mama Bear by repeatedly saying that he loves Andi and he knows she's the one and he loves her a lot and he knows she's it for him, until Patti says "UNCLE." Hy asks Nick what he likes about Andi and Nick gives genuine, thoughtful reasons (more than I can say for how Josh later answered that question), then Hy gives his blessing.
Up next is Josh and God bless Papa Hy, he hates Josh on sight. Hy comments on the fact that Josh is a former pro ball player and he seems extremely nervous. Josh is like a robot--sure, he can technically answer the questions he is asked and engage in conversation, but there's no there there. He's like a musician who has the technical stuff down--he can do the scales, he can read the sheet music--but has no soul. Sure, this rendition of "Night Moves" is technically correct and you are hitting the notes at the right time, but I want to hear you perform in a way that tells me that you were once young, restless, and bored, ya know? Armpit Tats isn't worth my brilliant theorizing, so I'll just say this: Josh met Andi's family and didn't screw up.
The next day Andi has her final date with Josh and they go swimming and snorkeling off the side of a beautiful boat. That night they have their final evening together and Josh is rocking some atrocious red pants (did you come straight from the Yacht Club, dickwad?) while Andi is wearing one of many backless, silk shirts. Armpit Tats has a gift for Andi and it's (1) a note (isn't he a KILLER GIFT GIVER?) and (2) a baseball card with her photo and stats. OF COURSE Josh gives Andi a baseball card. What ELSE would he give her, a necklace? But a necklace won't serve as a constant reminder that he is a FORMER PRO BASEBALL PLAYER, will it? No it won't.
The next day is Nick's final date with Andi and they go mudding (gave me flashbacks to one of the best dates I've ever been on--offroading through the woods of NJ in a lifted Chevy with a redneck hottie 8 years my junior BUT I DIGRESS). They talk about her family, Andi says that Nick makes her "think of things I never thought before" (huh?), and they go swimming. That night, Nick breaks out another one of his multicolored baseball-style shirts (he has a cornucopia of them!) while Andi rocks another drapey silk shirt. As Nick and Andi sit in the couch, he says that he can't wait to go grocery shopping with her (shoot for the stars with those fantasies, Grown Up Nerd) and she asks him what he'll buy and what other types of errands they will do together, which is like the conversational equivalent of worksheets that a substitute teacher gives a classroom of kids that she doesn't want to deal with. He then gives her a necklace as a gift.
The next day, Andi ponders her next move as you do: while walking around her lawn in paradise wearing a neglige and sweater. She says that she knows what she has to do and as Neil Lane visits Josh to loan him an overpriced blood diamond, Andi knocks on Nick's door to drop him like a sack of heartbroken potatoes. ABC shows us that it's Andi at Nick's door, then cuts back to the studio where former Bachelor/Bachelorette rejects weigh in on the relationship of two strangers. Thankfully, we don't have to listen to them for long because soon we're back in paradise watching Nick go through the worst 20 minutes of his life. Andi says that she "woke up and didn't feel that something was right" (ya mean that you felt something was WRONG? There's a better way to put that, girl). They talk about feelings, say "like" a ton, and Nick asks, "Is this about somebody else?" which gave my Bachelor Finale party a good laugh. Yeah Nick, it's somebody else and THE CALLS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE (BACHELOR MANSION)! A storm erupts at just the right moment and we are given dramatic shots of Nick feeling depressed on his patio while Andi drives away in tears.
Back in the studio, Bachelor Nation is sitting in stunned silence. But they won't be silent for long because it's time for a PROPOSAL!
Cut back to paradise and the sun is shining! Andi's all dressed up in a beautiful off-white goddess dress with gorgeous beaded neckline and hair half up/half down (with fantastic volume at the crown--I bet her hair was dirty cause how else can you hold a style like that ESPECIALLY in tropical heat, ya know?). Josh arrives and Chris Harrison gives him good poker face, guiding him to the stage area where he will either weep tears of joy or heartbreak. But we all know how this is going to end--with Armpit Tats walking away with the girl. Josh approaches and launches in on the most formulaic confession of love I have ever heard. He manages to mention his "first love, baseball" in his flat monologue that any casting director would reject as too false. Then it's time for Ombre DA to be candid with her feelings and she dives in, telling Pretty Boy Kenny Powers that she has loved him from the start and that she wants to have babies with him. Josh then gets down on one knee and hands her the free ring that he scored off his buddy Neil. Andi gives Josh the final rose and we all live happily ever after.
BUT WAIT, Nick is back in Milwaukee and he wants closure, dammit! He tries to contact Andi two times during the post-breakup but pre-finale period of a few months and she rejects his attempts at communication. Nick (looking a bit over-powdered and grey) gets in the hot seat and conducts himself like a class act, saying that he's not going to judge whether Andi made the wrong choice or not and that Josh is a nice guy (that's HELLA generous b/c Bachelor Nation knows it's not true). Andi comes out in a white cocktail dress and she and Nick have an awkward conversation in which Grown Up Nerd just seems sad and heartbroken and Andi comes off as defensive and cold. Andi says that she wasn't in love with Nick, so she never told Nick that she loved him and she seems to forget that Bachelors and Bachelorettes aren't ALLOWED to confess love during the season, so her not saying "I love you" to Nick wasn't a viable indicator of anything (I'm a regular Blonde DA with those logic skills!). She says that she dumped him in his hotel room out of respect for him, which I won't contest. At least she didn't make him get all dressed up and schlep out to a little stage for his dumping.
After a commercial for Bachelor in Paradise (STD Soul Train), it's time to watch the happy couple reunite on national TV! Josh comes out, gets hella handsy with Andi, and says that they're not pregnant, but they're "trying" (and I didn't think that I could hate you more, guy). Chris Harrison playfully mocks Andi's frowny face and persistent use of the word "stooooooop" and brings out Grumpy Cat because D list celebrities love tie-ins with other hot topics in the cultural zeitgeist!
What did you think of the finale? Bachelor in Paradise starts next week and I'll be writing super short recaps for that one because I can't resist. I'm thinking bulleted lists. Who does't love a bulleted list!?