On Monday night, The Bachelorette aired its “Men Tell All” episode, but in addition to men telling all there was a live ultrasound, a frank discussion of race relations, and appearances by a few Bach alums who just can’t seem to graduate from Bach U.
The show kicked off with an appearance by JP and Ashley, the couple who are singlehandedly reminding Bachelor Nation that reality TV love CAN work out. Ashley is wicked pregnant and they are moving to Miami because winter 2K13 into 14 was tough and, as Ashley says, “happy wife, happy life.” They’re a super cute couple and they seem to get along great, but I felt like I was watching 2 people playing prescribed roles of Doormat Husband and Wife With a Real Mouth on Her. Chris Harrison made a joke that JP and Ashley are moving to Miami to be closer to Juan Pablo and I hope that Johnny Pabs is ready to be the butt of every Bachelor joke for the rest of his clueless life. Then, in a move that Chris Harrison would call UNPRECEDENTED, a medical technician shows up and administers an ultrasound on “live” TV. Just when you thought that The Bachelor franchise couldn’t get more heteronormative, they pull this move! What’s next, a Bachelor cremation? The audience is bizarrely invested in the sex of a baby made by two strangers and when they discover that it’s a boy, everyone is elated. JP says that he’s excited to watch football with his son (since girls are allergic to football—it’s in their DNA).
Chris Harrison throws us a promotion for the next move in the Bachelor franchise, Bachelor In Paradise (which will be launching in a few weeks and yes, I will be recapping but I might do shorter recaps—I can’t handle this much Bach). Bachelor in Paradise promises to be filled with drama, craziness, tears, and end with AN INCIDENT that involves blood and handcuffs. This aint your mammy’s hump house TV show!
Finally, the rejects—err—guys—from this season of The Bachelorette are trotted out and true to form, everyone looks better than they did during the season (except for Cody—sorry, bro). We’ve got Carl (firefighter), Brett (hairdresser who walked in with a lamp), Andrew (guy who came off as pretty damn sketchy), Patrick (dude who brought nothing to the table), Bradley (Opera Man), Ron (left abruptly after a few episodes), Craig (Overexcited Loser), Nick S. (golf pro who Andi straight up didn’t like and he treats her as though she’s somehow in the wrong for this opinion), Tasos (who was lucky or unlucky enough to have his rejection never go to air), JJ (Pantsapreneur who had some wicked red eye this episode), Marquel (all sweet smiles), Cody (who is a ball of muscles with a pair of ears attached), Dylan (who got a haircut and continues to rule), Brian (his BFF—New England buds for LIFE!), Marcus (who I never quite “got”), Chris (who I’d like to get).
Marquel rocked a cookie pin and handed out cookies to the audience (WE GET IT, KID), Brian was in a suit but looked like his mom had dressed him up for the 7th grade semi-formal, and the guys debated the he said/he said storyline of whether Andrew made a comment about the “black guys” during a rose ceremony. We watched a montage of the guys during which Andrew referred to JJ and friend as “meatheads in suits” which makes me wonder if he went to a college without a football team. Is a self-described “Pantsapreneur” your idea of a “Meathead"? If so, let me introduce you to the boys of Delta Upsilon sometime. I once watched one of them fistfight a refrigerator when he was drunk—THAT is a meathead, my friend.
The guys talked about the alleged incident in which Andrew leaned over to JJ and made a comment about the black guys and the producers played the footage of that exchange happening (Andrew wasn’t miced, though), then Marquel talked about his faith and manhood and the whole thing was a surprisingly adult, civil conversation. Chris talked about how to handle things “as a man” and made it clear that he’s not a fan of JJ. It seems like JJ is one of those guys who characterizes himself really easygoing an playful and fun, but is actually a shit stirrer.
Marquel spent some time in the hot seat and admitted that he was unable to get out of the friend zone with Andi and that he didn’t realize that guys were kissing her. Marcus chatted with Chris Harrison about his experience and admitted that he made a comment because he was hurt (admirable to admit that on TV), and Chris heard more about how much his farmer family friggin’ rules. A random chick in an off white jumpsuit interrupted their conversation so that she could flirt with Chris and give him her digits, which was gutsy… but weird. During Ketla (yes, that was her name) and Chris’s commercial break speed date, Dylan shouted, “YOLO!” which cracked me up.
Finally, Andi came out in a sparkly, short dress and took some questions from the guys. Two tone shirt Cody tells Andi that she never saw “the real Cody” which is a blessing for everyone involved, I think. Chris Bukowski (who tried to crash the first cocktail party) again lets himself be a Bachelor punchline in order to promote Bachelor in Paradise. Dude, get some pride, would ya? Chris Harrison shares the lie detector results which are that JJ, Brian, and Chris told no lies. Josh told some lies (perhaps the question was, “Are you over your failed pro ball career?” and he said yes?), Marcus lied about his number (awkward), and Dylan lied about preferring brunettes to blondes. Hell yeah, Dylan’s wicked smaaaat and he prefers BLONDES which is the CORRECT OPINION! Might I recommend a beach read to you, sweet Massole Man? Here's the trailer for said book:
The episode closed with a montage of Andi bloopers, then pieces about Josh and Nick. Who will win Andi’s heart? We’ll find out on Monday!