Friday, July 18, 2014

Bachelorette Andi Ep 9: Bump 'N Grind in the DR

On Monday night, Andi and her final 3 suitors flew to the Dominican Republic for Fantasy Suite dates, also known as “get the milk for free one time to see if you want to accept a blood diamond from that cow.”  The montage of shots promoting that episode prompted me to wonder, in the history of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, has there ever been a white participant who can’t tan? Seriously—this thing looks like a Coppertone commercial. 

To kick off the episode, Andi sat down with America’s sweetheart, Chris Harrison, to talk about each of her suitors while we watched clips of their courtship.  She described Josh as “funny and endearing” (really? To me, those are antonyms for words that describe Pretty Boy Kenny Powers) but says that he is the type she has unsuccessfully dated in the past. She described Chris as a “grown man” and the “total package” but isn’t sure if she could handle farm life in Iowa.  Valid points.  Finally, she describes Nick as sweet and passionate and says that they have a “mental connection.”  

Date #1 goes to passionate Nick and he pops his helicopter cherry as they are whisked away to a private island. Andi and Nick frolic in the ocean while wearing matching light turquoise swimsuits (did you nerds coordinate that?) then sit down to discuss breakups. Nick awkwardly rambles, says “like” a lot, and admits that he was embarrassed when his ex-gf dumped him.  That night, they share dinner on the beach and Andi is dressed in a cute sundress while Nick’s fashion choices look like those of a 6th grader who wants to stand out from the crowd on the first day of school: red pants and a shirt that is grey and blue AND yellow.  My retinas were burned by his outfit (but then again, I live in NYC where I consider wearing a grey shirt to be “majorly lightening things up” from my usual black uniform).  Nick taps into his “childlike sense of wonder” (his corny phrasing, not mine) and shows Andi the book that he wrote about their journey together.  As a former Children’s Editor for Barnes & Noble corporate, let me say that this book needs a lot of work.  The artwork is subpar, the storyline is weird and unrelateable, and there are ZERO talking animals.  COME ON!  I guess we should be happy that Nick is using his free time to be creative instead of scoring room keys off unsuspecting hotel clerks.  He pulls Andi over to a tree where he says “I love you” and “you're it for me—when you know, you know” then they kiss LOUDLY.  (Also, I take issue with “when you know, you know” because I think there are a LOT of people who have thought that they simply “knew” and yet things didn’t work out. Who invited Debbie Downer to this recap?)  They retreat to the fantasy suite where presumably, they do this: 

Date #2 is Josh and his waxed eyebrows in Santa Domingo.  Josh is rocking a blue, plaid shirt and greets Andi with a cringe-worthy, “HOLA!” As usual, he’s grossly touchy-feely with Andi as they explore and shop in the town.  They stumble upon some live music and Josh starts dancing as my eyes bleed from how corny it is.  I thought that I disliked Josh because he wouldn’t shut up about a job he held five (or is it seven?) years ago, but now I dislike him because he is a HORRIBLE dancer.  Wow.  Why is he even TRYING?  Please stop.  Then they stumble upon a baseball diamond (of COURSE they do), where tykes are playing and they let Andi and Josh jump into their game.  Josh gets on the mound and it feels like watching Eastbound & Down, season 2 (in the Dominican Republic instead of Mexico, but nonetheless south of the border).  

Sweet armpit tats, bro
Post-baseball game, Andi and Josh chat about their journey and Josh finally says, “I DO love you” in a tone that sounds like he’s testifying in court.  How romantic!  That night they draw blood from a stone by talking about the difficult prejudgments of professional sports players (it must be SO hard to get paid to do exactly what you love and then be paid in $$ and BJs—I can’t even imagine).  As they walk to the fantasy suite, a display of fireworks go off (and you can practically hear the Bachelorette Producers saying, “GET IT? FIREWORKS? EXPLODING??”) which they enjoy, and then head to Humptown, USA—I mean, their suite.  

Date #3 is Chris and he is cruising in a Jeep that he leaves by the side of the road when he comes upon Andi rocking a gypsy/Coachella look.  Their activity is horse riding and Andi is extremely nervous, but Chris is in his element.  After a terrifying horse experience they sit down for lunch on a tree branch where Andi raves about Chris’s family.  They play a quick round of Ghosts in the Graveyard (cute… but a little bit much) and when Andi finds Chris, he scoops her up and carries her through the field (OK that’s hot).  That night, Andi is rocking a semi-dumpy white dress (but I guess you can’t ALWAYS be wearing your best outfit, right?) and Chris looks sharp in plaid (he seems to have emerged from a plaid cocoon, no?) and they talk about where they are in their shared journey.  Andi starts crying because she’s unsure about their progress and Chris is a complete sweetheart about it, saying that he simply wants to fall in love with her and that’s happening for him.  The tears are now FLOWING out of Andi and she’s switched into high pitched talk mode (I’ve been there, girl) as she tells Chris that she needs to cut him loose.  He handles it with aplomb that I haven’t seen since Desiree’s season when she dumped 1950’s Doo Wop-looking Drew and he said that Des didn’t need to apologize for not being in love with him.  Chris says goodbye to Andi and is whisked away from the DR, but not from our hearts (and if he is the next Bachelor, I might need to throw my hat in the ring).  

Andi and Chris Harrison have a sit down chat the next day and she explains that this is a 2 way street, so there will be a rose ceremony for the 2 remaining guys.  The guys show up (no jackets! Resort casual!) and line up, then are informed that they are the final two.  Andi holds a rose ceremony, giving Nick the first rose (EAT IT, JOSH!), then Josh the 2nd rose (WATCH YOUR BACK, NICK!).  I can only assume that sunglasses aren’t permitted on The Bach because that may have been the squintiest rose ceremony of all time.  

Next week is the men tell all, and you know who I’m excited to see: Boston’s greatest export and the guy who I am hoping will come out to my standup show at Laugh Boston on Tuesday, August 19th at 7:30pm--DYLAN! 

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