Last night was the last gasp of Memorial Day weekend and a last gasp for 3 guys living in the Bachelorette mansion. Chris Harrison mapped out the week's activities at the start of the episode: 16 guys were still in the running and this week they had 1 group date, and 2 one-on-one dates.
The first one-on-one date went to Chris (squinty eyes, hot guy from Chicago) and the card said, "Love is a steady climb." I was hoping they'd end up watching a Hannah Montana DVD and crank up, "The Climb" (a song by Miley Cyrus that makes me cry and I wiiiish I were kidding about that), but The Bach franchise is know for its literal interpretations, so of course Emily and Chris literally CLIMBED a building. They suited up in harnesses and helmets (not a hot look for ANYONE) and scaled a 3 story building while lightning crashed and love metaphors (about "holding on" and "not letting go") swirled around them. They finally reached the top, where they had drinks and talked. Emily learned that Chris is ONLY 25 years old (ONE YEAR YOUNGER THAN SHE IS!!!!) and was openly weirded out by that. Chris casually said, "Yeah, I'm just a tiny bit younger than you," which was a graceful way to handle her anxiety about the fact that he was (probably) born when she as 8 months old. Emily and Chris then head down to the street level (via the elevator this time--phew) where Luke Bryan is waiting to play a concert in the street. Normally, I would rip any singer who performs on reality TV to SHREDS, but I love country music and I dig Luke Bryan. So as much as I want to snark it up, I'm going to encourage you to listen to Drunk On You and enjoy the sweet country twanging. Chris is given a rose and a smooch from Emily at the end of the date.
Up next is the group date that crew is comprise of Charlie, Alejandro, Ryan, Stevie, Allesandro (who is almost always grouped with Alejandro and I'm convinced that the two international dudes are interchangeable to the producers), Shawn, John aka Wolf, Michael, Doug, Tony, Jef, and Travis. The guys meet Emily at a park where Ryan thinks that they are going to play football and he is FIRED UP. Ryan is slowly revealing himself to be a bad guy and as he gets worse, his facial hair gets more and more Color Me Badd-inspired. By the end of this thing he'll probably have a nose tube or a chin strap and perpetually pursed lips (I PRAY!). The park day isn't about the 'ole pigskin, though--it's about Emily's 4 closest friends getting to know each guy. Get ready for surprise interviews, losers! The interview montage includes clips of Stevie popping and locking as though his dance skills aren't a deal-breaker (dude, this isn't America's Next Dance Crew), Ryan performing push-ups for the gals, Sean talking about his faith and then taking off his shirt for body inspection, and Doug making a hella good impression with his serious father talk. Speaking of serious fathers, Tony is having a hard time being away from his 5-year-old son and he calls the tyke multiple times during the episode. I get that he's Tony's kid and Tony cares about him a ton... but Tony seems a touch codependent to me.
Emily and her ladies reconvene to chat and Ryan interrupts them to say hello. He makes a joke about what would happen if Emily gained weight and it does NOT go over well. Nonetheless, the friends say that their favorites were Doug, Sean, and Ryan.
Once the interviews are over, the crew gets dressed up for a cocktail party after the day's events. Tony calls his son FROM THE COCKTAIL PARTY and then weeps in an alley. What the heck is going on here!? Emily comes out and talks him down, then says he should go home. He agrees and hops a cab. Emily chats with each of the other guys and has a great conversation with Sean, who has mastered the slow burn (despite his sociopathic blonde bully hair). Sean and Emily get along famously and she gives him the rose from that challenge. Ryan is surprised that he didn't get a rose and I'm guessing his thoughts were something like, "How am I not getting every rose, every time? I used to play pro football and umm, has she seen my body? Hello?" Oh Ry Guy, every rose has its thorn, am I right? (I don't even know what that is supposed to mean, but I'll jump on any chance to quote Poison.)
The next day, Arie (the race car driver) and Emily have a one-on-one date and they fly to Tennessee to visit DOLLYWOOD! Yes, Dolly Parton's southern-style theme park is where Arie and Emily really connect and she mentions that Arie is a LOT like her ex. Interesting. I always assumed that her ex was probably more of a thug, but I guess not. The plot thickens! Arie and Emily go into a darkened theater where they meet Dolly Parton. Yes, THE Dolly Parton. Emily explains that she loves Dolly and Dolly doesn't care what people think and Emily loves that, and now I love Emily a little bit more for loving Dolly. Between Miss Piggy last week and Dolly Parton this week, The Bachelorette is a brilliant showcase of iconic blondes! Hell yeah!
After dinner and lots of wine, Arie and Emily hop on a carousel where they make out as the carousel spins them right round baby, right round. Oh, and Arie gets a rose. Arie seemed like a bit of a tool in the first few episodes, but now he's seeming cooler and more confident.
Finally, it's time for the cocktail party and rose ceremony. Emily is in a gorgeous gold dress and she gets chat time with each guy. Allesandro (Chilean guy who lives in the midwest and has a horrible accent) apparently didn't get the memo about the show's militant adherence to heteronormativity, because he says that he currently lives like a "gypsy king" (meaning like a slutty hobo, not the wildly successful flamenco band, I assume) and can't be tied down. Allesandro goes on to say that if he ended up with Emily, it would be a compromise because he'd have to take on her daughter. Yikes! Emily calmly says that he daughter isn't a liability or a compromise, then sends him home mid-cocktail party. Of course all of the guys start falling on themselves with promises of how they would be HAPPY to immediately adopt Ricki, blah blah blah. The unexpected departure is a bit upsetting to Emily and Arie soothes her and kisses her, while Ryan looks on. He has shaved the edges of his short beard into weird points and he keeps jutting out his chin. I think this is how he turns into a psycho werewolf.
Kalon didn't have a date all week (group or otherwise) and during his chit-chat time with Emily, he complains that he was bored at the house. He says, "I've never had to share much in my life," and America thought, "Why do I believe you?" During the course of that conversation, Kalon also scolded Emily for interrupting him. Nice! Women LOVE condescension--especially when it comes from a skinny prick who is wearing no socks and slippers. In a later interview, Emily remarks that Kalon can be very condescending and I want to tell Emily to send him home IMMEDIATELY! Seriously, girl! A guy who grew up getting whatever he wanted and being coddled is not a guy you want to date! I've dated guys like that and they have ZERO coping skills, no ability to compromise, and they are literally STUNNED if the world doesn't bow to them. It's awful. I'm hoping that Kalon isn't around much longer.
Trevor decides that it's time to break the egg that he freakishly decided symbolized Emily and Ricki (and he named Shelly), so he lets Emily throw it on the driveway. It was just as bizarre as it sounds.
Time for the rose ceremony! Walking into the ceremony, Chris, Sean, and Arie were already safe because they received roses earlier in the week. Allesandro and Tony were already sent home, mid-episode. So that means that we'll only watch ONE poor fool get rejected on national TV. Sigh. I'll take what I can get, I suppose. The rose run-down was:
-Jef: he slid, face first down a child's slide during the group date so somehow Emily thinks he's playful. I still think he's smug and too hipstery.
-Charlie: dude is so damn likeable, but I'm not sure if there is a personality beneath that broken and rebuilt body. Perhaps he's a robot in disguise and can morph from man into machine? Or did I watch too much "Transformers" as a kid?
-Doug: he revealed to Emily that he grew up in foster homes and had a pretty troubled past. A guy with nice muscles and a troubled past? CALL ME!
-Michael: long haired Austin guy continues to fly under the radar.
-Travis: his egg is gone, but his corny assed vests and spiky hair remain.
-Alejandro: free from the shackles of being one of the two non-Americans on the show, he's now the LONE non-American! Congrats!
-Ryan: dude was PISSED to be given his rose this late in the ceremony. His anger at that reminds me of a girl who sat next to me in AP French and when she'd get a 98% on a test, she'd slam her head into the desk and complain. I bet she was a BLAST in college.
-John Wolf: I can't decide if he's staying alive by keeping a lid on a crappy personality or if he's just kinda quiet. That one man wolf pack will reveal himself in time, I hope.
-Kalon: the prototypical prep school psychopath lives to see another week on The Bach.
So it's between Nate (completely bland) and Stevie (dancing, dancing, dancing... dancing machiiiine) for who is going home. Emily gives the rose to super vanilla Nate and opts to say goodbye to Stevie. I'll miss our party MC pal from New Jersey, but we all knew that he was NEVER going to end up with Emily. Goodbye, Jersey dancer.
What's in store for next week? A whole lot of chin jutting and bad shaving out of Ryan and I can't wait.
