I hope you're all enjoying the summer and loving this season of Bachelor In Paradise. Usually August is a chill time for me as far as standup/storytelling shows, but that hasn't been the case this year, so unfortunately I haven't been keeping up with the show too well and obviously I haven't been recapping or podcasting. I know! I'm sorry, life is crazy and goes by fast, all that jazz.
I've tuned into the show occasionally (watched Chad's unraveling, Lace's Tammy Faye Baker-style eyelashes, Carly and Evan's regrettable love connection, Josh's disgusting moaning and pizza eating), but not super steadily.
But somehow, I found myself sitting on my couch watching After Paradise on Tuesday night when the beautiful and hilarious Michelle Collins revealed the identity of the next bachelor. I had my #TeamLuke banner and T-shirt ready (JK about a custom made shirt and banner but NOT JK about how much I love Luke) when the next bachelor walked onto the set and it was....
TWO TIME BACHELORETTE RUNNER UP NICK VIALL.
Ummmm WAH!??!?!? WAAAAAH???? SERIOUSLY??
Legit, at first I thought it was a joke and that he'd sit down and then Michelle would be like, "JK Bachelor Nation! You know how they like to keep you guessing--come on out, real Bachelor LUKE the war veteran who captured America's hearts last season!"
Alas, that did not happen. And it still hasn't. I think this is real, guys. I think that the producers of The Bachelor have selected a modern day Matthew McConaughey's character from Dazed & Confused to serve as their next protagonist.
You may be thinking, "that's an apt comparison, Selena, but refresh my memory--where have I seen Nick V. before?" Why thank you, that IS a solid comparison. Where have we seen Nick before? Where HAVEN'T we, as Bachelor Nation, seen Nick before??
He first burst on the Bachelor scene in Andi Dorfman's season of The Bachelorette and he wasn't exactly BFF with the other guys in the house, which is always a red flag. (Sidenote: I'm currently reading IT'S NOT OKAY, Andi Dorfman's book about her time on The Bachelor and as The Bachelorette and it is a page turner! Josh sucks so much!) Andi's turn as the protagonist was the season with Dylan from Boston (my long lost crush who I actually met and embraced at a standup show in Boston during summer 2014--full recap of that magical night here) and Chris Soules (the farmer who went on to become Prince Farming on his own season of the show). Andi's final 2 men were Josh (aka Armpit Tats) and Nick V. and obviously she chose Josh (and lived to regret it). As I mentioned earlier, Nick was that one guy who couldn't seem to get along with everyone else (ugh--that type of person shows up every season and always SUCKS) and always came off as a bit of a weasel to me. He just seemed like the type of guy who thinks that the rules don't apply to him. But Andi dumped him and we all moved on with our lives.
Well, except for Nick. He awkwardly confronted Andi during the After The Final Rose episode (asking her why she "made love to" him--check out her book for the context of that quote) and then was shameless enough to appear on yet ANOTHER season of The Bachelorette.
That's right, lovers. Kaitlyn Bristow, the hilarious Canadian bachelorette was HALF WAY through her season when Nick dropped in and joined the other guys vying for her affections. Needless to say, the other guys HATED him because he was new competition and--even worse--fresh meat among the guys who had been around all season. AGAIN he made it to the Top 2 (Nick vs. Poor Man's Ryan Gosling Shawn) and AGAIN he was rejected on national television.
Taking that many knocks would prompt most people to resign themselves to a life away from the public eye--a quiet life, perhaps on a farm upstate. But ya know who never learns? Anthony Weiner AND ALSO NICK VIALL.
Bachelor In Paradise kicked off this summer (just after Jojo chose Jordan and they began their Diff Eyewear sunglasses tour) and who wandered into paradise but our old buddy Nick Viall! Is it Groundhog's Day? I can't escape this motherfucker!
He stuck around all season and is, apparently, still on the show (finale airs next week) and paired up with Jenn or Jennifer or something (brunette who is vaguely familiar from Ben's season and brought nothing to the table and yet also somehow came off as a bit of a bitch), but that won't last.
My final take: Bachelor Nation is TIRED AS HELL of Nick V. I'm sorry. We have seen him get his heart broken twice and we've seen him flit around paradise for a few weeks this summer. That is ENOUGH.
I understand why Bachelor producers chose Nick, though. There's no learning curve--he's already been through the paces of the show, so he's easy to direct, he knows how to speak on camera concisely, he won't be surprised or upset because he already knows how the sausage gets made. But I think there's a bit of Nick V. fatigue going around Bachelor Nation. We know him and we've spent MANY seasons looking at his face. I don't think that level of familiarity (exhaustion?) is a good thing for the franchise. And from what I read today, Luke was ready to be the next Bachelor before producers pulled the plug. Bad call.
What do you think?
I mean, of course I'll watch every episode, tweet, recap, and podcast about Nick's season of The Bachelor. Hating the chosen bachelor has never stopped us from watching that magical show before, so why start now?
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