The Women Tell All!

I didn’t get a chance to watch this season’s episode of “The Women Tell All” live on Monday because I was at a swanky theater benefit enjoying open bar, sick views of the Hudson River, steak, and a live performance by Joan Osbourne. That lady is cool as shit. Seriously. I know that you’re probably thinking that her single “What If God Was One Of Us” was overplayed (and should have used the subjunctive mood instead of past tense in the title), but I the rest of that album was dope. For real. I told her as much. Give it a listen sometime, dear readers.

But let’s get down to my belated viewing of “The Bachelor: The Women Tell All.” First off, Chris Harrison has let his hair get a bit shaggy. I’m digging the look, Chris. Speaking of hair changes, Ashley H. showed up to the reunion show as a brunette with bangs! Ashley H, I thought I knew you! The brown hair actually looks great on her (especially with her bright red lips) and she seems fantastically stable and happy. There’s buzz that she’s lined up to be the next Bachelorette and I think it would be a great choice. Mad love for my A Cup buddy, even if she’s gone over to the dark side (brunette).

But before we get down to biz with the Bachelor cast-offs from this season, we gotta check in with about 150 cast-offs from past seasons! Yes, “The Bachelor Pad” will be coming back this summer and I can’t wait. If you’re not familiar with “The Bachelor Pad” it’s a show where 12-15 rejects from old seasons of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” live in a house and tan, hookup, and talk smack. It’s like a mini college experience, if college had involved lots of tanning (which it did for some, but not poolside). They show footage of reunions in NYC and LA, where these tools talk about the “Bachelor Family” and how it’s a great item to bond over in a relationship—that both parties went on TV looking for love and achieved D-list notoriety (if any modicum of celebrity at all). Personally, I’d rather bond over a similar sense of humor or shared interests with a potential mate, but that’s just me.

Then it’s down to business and most of the ladies look good. All except for Melissa. Her blonde hair is flat and limp, her eyebrows remain overplucked and improperly arched, and her outfit reminds me of a gauze version of a getup I used to wear back in 1998. Worst of all, she’s slowly ruining the beautiful song “Melissa” (by Allman Bros) for me. Can we all agree that the song “Melissa” rules and the Bachelor contestant Melissa doesn’t rule? Thanks. I just like being in agreement with my imagined readers. Raichel and Melissa continue to squabble and yet insist that they aren’t squabbling. Whatever, ladies. You’re like a poor man’s Emily vs. Chantal match-up, only amongst the rejects.

Ashely S. is back and her hair looks fantastic. She’s still very emotional, but seems to be doing well.

But let’s get to the main event: Michell and her crocodile tears. Seriously—I haven’t seen fake-crying that bad since the last time I watched community theater! It’s as easy as putting your head down, breathing quickly, and heaving over to make everyone believe that you feel emotions! Who knew it was that simple!? Michelle’s eyes were almost 100% dry during this show, so I didn’t buy her sob story at all. She kept insisting that she was “there for the right reasons” (the battle cry of every Bachelorette who is a social pariah), but nobody doubted that. You’re just a jerk, Michelle. It’s not about your intentions. It’s about how you get along with others (or don’t). I don’t think that Jackie was being too aggressive when she was calling out Michelle’s creepy behavior and Jackie NEVER said anything about Michelle’s mothering skills, so don’t put words in her mouth. During the interview, Michelle kept banging the drum of “I care about my daughter! It was so hard to be away from my daughter!” If it’s SO hard to be away from her and you really care about her, then why didn’t you just stay in Utah and try dating there? Are there no men in Utah? No seriously, are they all Moron and want sister wives? I don’t know these things.

Bad news, loverpants. I must bid you adieu without completely finishing this recap. It's like the old saying goes, sometimes you only get to drink 3/4 of the soda before you have to stop. Right? That old saying is really well-known and touching.

I'm off to Boston! 3 shows this weekend! Rock & roll!