Hello again!
It has been EONS--literally about THREE YEARS--since I last posted. Hoo man. We have all lived through a lot these past 4 years and, well, the 4 years before that sucked pretty hard because we had a rapist maniac monster as President. So we've been through quite a lot!
As many readers may know, I used to crank out recaps of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette on here religiously for years--to the point that it got me a book deal! Remember back when a blog could do that for ya? Those were heady times.
Anyhoo--back in that era I was writing recaps weekly, working in publishing full time, doing standup at night, and working weekends as a Sex & the City Tour guide. I had so much energy! Now I just work full time and host the BETCHES BRIDES podcast (which you gotta listen to!) plus I'm hoping to bring back TWO WICK MINIMUM soon, and that's about all I can handle. But the other night I caught up on THE GOLDEN BACHELORETTE and as I watched the rose ceremony, I thought to myself: ONE MORE SEASON. So here we are.
I'm hoping to stick with this one because I find the golden version of the show SO delightful. The traditional show--where you watch 25-year-olds talk about how they're running out of time to find love (barf) has become tiresome to me. The participants are there to become influencers and are very aware of how to get screen time--it all feels inauthentic and too calculated. But the Golden Bachelor and Bachelorette--this shit is PURE! It feels like season 1 of JERSEY SHORE before any of those crazy kids knew what would happen next. The guys on THE GOLDEN BACHELORETTE don't know what group dates are! They balk at the idea that not getting a rose on a 1:1 date means automatic elimination because they don't know what any of that means! Nobody is trying to popularize a catchphrase or get a deliberate "villain edit"--they don't even know what an EDIT IS! It's heavenly!
So let's start at episode 2 because I feel like it (goddamn I forgot how FREE I feel on this blog). Jesse Palmer is our intrepid host and in this episode, I think we may have seen a BIT of a personality out of him for the first time ever. He really is like a rich man's Chris Harrison.
Episode 2 will be a group date (a prom at a random high school that the production team has commandeered), a 1:1 date (to Disney World--QUICK RANDOM ASIDE--I just had to Google if the one in Florida is Disney World or Disney Land, but now that I think of it, they must have gone to the Disney in California since infamous Bachelor STD/SID Shack is in California BUT I DIGRESS--the POINT of this needless aside is to ask this question: Are you like me and unable to remember which one is Disney Land and which one is Disney World, and also, more important, do you agree that it DOES NOT MATTER? I feel like when I was younger, some shitbag was always acting smug and superior and being like, "Land is in California and World is in Florida" [righteous hair toss] WHO CAAAAARES!?!? Truly, who cares. I take up my brain space with more important things. OK END OF RANT. Back to list of dates: and finally, a group date (a talent show that, I suspect, was at that same high school because that makes life easier for the production team.
The prom date featured Taylor Dayne IN THE FLESH singing 2 of her hits and one of the guys had gone on a date with her before, which goes to show how small the 60+ dating pool must be in California. That really does feel like, of all the 90s pop stars they had to book for this bizarro cameo, they had to book HER! The dudes break out some dance moves and Gary wins "Best Dressed" in my book--very few men can pull off a gold suit but he crushed it. Jonathan confides in Joan that he was the only student of color at his high school and he didn't attend his prom and OH MAN I got weepy! He scored the group date rose and I'm so glad.
Up next is a 1:1 date that felt like a commercial for Disney and CHONK was up for it. Oh I'm sorry--Chock. His name is Chock and we're supposed to just accept that. I take notes as I watch the show usually (I'm insane) and I must share that I have the description "husky, handsome, older white dude" next to Chock, Kim, Mark, Jordan, and Keith. Chock and Jordan in particular are wholly interchangeable to me. I mean....
One is Chock and one is Jordan and they are BOTH here to audition for a pharmaceutical commercial where they throw a football through a tire swing while the voice over lists out possible side effects.
Anyhoo, Chock seems solid, he is SUPER INTO FAMILY, and he scores a rose.
The final group date is a talent show with an audience of random extras who are willing to give up 8 hours of their life to watch a Navy captain sing (bravo, Kim) and a poor man's Vidal Sassoon (Pascal) literally cut the hair of a wig. Dan wins the group date rose, though, with his ribbon dance and candor about his hand tremor. God bless.
Finally, it's time for a rose ceremony and Joan came to SLAY. Can you even handle this lewk?
I LOVE a cape moment--so dramatic. I thought about doing some sort of a cape-style thing for my wedding, but it didn't really make sense for an August event. Also I LOVE a bold color choice. Way to go, Joan. So Jonathan, Chonk, and Dan already have roses so they're safe. She handed out the buds as follows:
-Mark - the youngest guy in the house and part of the "husky white dude" contingent. Also I just read that his son was on The Bachelor.
-Gary - my personal favorite. A Black man who lives in Palm Springs (LOVE PS) who has great style and seems really kind and tender hearted.
-Pascal - hairdresser from Chicago who is originally from France and methinks knows his way around a Botox appointment (and it looks great!).
-Jordan - another husky white dude. Joan seems to dig him.
-CK - ohhh a nickname! This is Charles K who Joan lovingly calls "CK" which, sadly, reminds me of a comedy dude who absolutely destroyed the careers of 2+ women in comedy! Boooo!
-Keith - yet another husky white dude but also, he's a goofy one.
-Gil - tan, hot older gentleman who we haven't seen much from and I know he's getting very little screen time because of a legal issue, I read somewhere.
-Charles L - the most endearing, unintentionally funny dude in the house who deserves a spin-off series. I mean, look at this punum:
Before the rose ceremony he said something about how Joan's in charge and "Charle's not in charge" and I HOWLED!! Preserve this gemstone of a man at all costs!
-Kim - Navy Captain who is a husky, white dude who embodies healthy masculinity to me. He has tips for how to live alongside a dozen other men (due to his time in the Navy) and he seems like a get-it-done, hardworking man who is very in touch with his emotions and self-aware. Just SUPER refreshing.
-Gregg - guy who bears such a striking resemblance to Danny Bonaduce of The Partridge Family and I can think about nothing else when I see this guy. Do you see it?
