Bachelorette Recap: Episode 5

Sweet amigos!

This abbreviated recap is WAY late and I'm sincerely sorry for that.  I had a bunch of shows this week, then ended up sick as a dog with chills, night sweats, and a wicked fever.  Nightmare!  Ya know who else was sick this week?  BACHELORETTE EMILY!

Yes, Emily was sick as hell while she and 10 dudes explored London, but that didn't stop her from making out with almost every single one of the guys.  CONTAGION, much?  I can't wait for next week's episode, when we discover the incubation period of Emily's cold when passed on (via French kiss) to Jef and Ryan and Sean.  It's a science experiment within a reality TV show!

The boys gathered in Trafalgar Square where Chris Harrison told them the drill for this week (which has been the drill for almost every other week): one group date and two 1-on-1 dates.

The first 1-on-1 was given to blonde pretty boy Sean, who Emily has been digging.  Emily and Sean cruise around the streets of London in a private double-decker bus, Sean makes a bad "London Calling" joke, and Emily acts like a low-budget tour guide with her awkward recitations of inane information at every stop.  The couple snaps some photos, smooches, and chats.  That night, they get dressed up and eat dinner in the Tower of London.  Yes, they flirted and ate dinner in a castle whose reputation is as of a place of torture and death.  HOW ROMANTIC!  Sean scores a rose. 

Meanwhile, back at the suite, the guys were all chatting and hanging out.  Kalon said that he was "annoyed at everything" and admitted that he has a hard time not being in control of everything.  Sounds like a keeper, huh ladies?  The icing on the Kalon cake, though, is when he made a joke that with Emily, "every date is a group date."   Apparently Kalon thinks that Emily's daughter Ricki goes everywhere she does (despite the fact that he has never interacted with Ricki ONCE during this whole season).  He then makes a comment that Ricki is baggage.  Yikes.

Next is a group date and the date card says, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet," which NOT A ONE of the guys recognize as a Shakeapearian quotation.  Umm-- did you guys graduate from high school?  Cause Romeo and Juliet is THE MOST BASIC of Shakeapeare's plays and it's usually covered in 9th grade English.  Just sayin'.  The guys head to Stratford-Upon-Avon (Shakeapeare's hometown) where they learn about Shakeapeare and then perform assorted scenes from Romeo & Juliet.  Kalon takes it all way too seriously and is patronizing to Emily's face (no surprise).  Arie admits that he doesn't know the meaning of the following words: weary, jaunt, poltice (dude--seriously--did you drop out of school in 6th grade?) .

Then, during the commerical break, my sister's Toyota commercial was on!  Heeell yeah!!

Ryan scores his first kiss with Emily while on-stage and while his weird, angular, facial scruff is staying at the same level of Color Me Bad-ness, his level of delusion is cranking up to 11.

The group heads to a nearby pub for the afterparty, where Emily chats with each guy.  Apparently she kept Kalon waiting too long (or he just can't be pleased by anything in the world because he was spoiled rotten as a child--take your pick), because he said, "I'm waiting for a chance to talk to an exhausted, sick mother who has a child at home."  What a class act!

Finally, Doug pulls Emily aside and reveals Kalon's disparaging remarks about Ricki and the fact that Emily is a single mother.  Emily is NOT having it, so she confronts Kalon to his face.  Kalon condescendingly attempts to explain himself and Emily shuts him down, then tells him to "Get the F$%^ out!"  It was glorious.  She called him a "terrible human being" which is a great label to throw on a person (in fact, I love to use it on guys who have wronged me).  Peace out, American Psycho.  Emily was upset that none of the guys defended her very well, so she decides not to hand out a rose at all.  BOOMTOWN!

Up next is the final 1-on-1 with Jef.  Jef and Emily take an etiquette class, hit a pub, then ride The London Eye.  He seems nice, albeit a bit hard to read.  If US Weekly is telling the truth, before the show began, Emily was told that Jef is a good guy and she should keep him around.  Jef gets a rose.

Soon it's time for the cocktail party & rose ceremony.  Emily has conversations with each of the guys and asks them about loyalty and if they would have her back when necessary.  As someone who is friggin' obsessed wit the notion of loyalty, I'll say that Emily is asking some key questions of these dudes.

Who scored roses?
Sean & Jef had them going into the night.
Doug (first of the rose ceremony for having the sack to tell Emily that Kalon's a psycho)
Ryan (whose theme this week was SCARVES! Seriously, dude whore a lot of scarves)
Chris (bobble head 4 life!)
John Wolf (whose job is a "data destruction specialist" which sounds kinda creepy, no?)
Travis (who revealed that he's quite a goofball)
Arie (BOTTOM OF THE LIST! Step up your game, race car driver!)

Who went home?  The 24 year old shroom farmer named after a Lady Gaga song, Alejandro.  Where are they headed next week?  CROATIA!

I promise I'll be quicker w/ the recap next week, pussycats!