Last night I watched "The Bachelorette" on live TV as I sipped coconut water. I'm finally healthy again, dear readers, so put your leftover candles away from the Selena Coppock Candelight Vigil. I scored antibiotics and I'm healthy as a horse with a SWEET mane of perfect hair, so let's get to the smack talk!
8 guys remain in the running for Emily's heart and they arrive on the gorgeous shores of Croatia for their next week of dates, make-out sessions, and boredom in a hotel suite. Croatia is stunningly beautiful and a dream vacation destination. If I had more money, I'd vacation there in a heartbeat. Sadly, I don't have gobs of dolla billz, so I'll continue to "vacation" at Coney Island beach alongside families who manage to drag their entire living room to the Coney Island boardwalk and set up shop by the bathrooms (I don't understand it, either. Quick shout-out to my girl Amy who rags on these losers with me! Hell yeah!).
This week, like every other week, there will be two 1-on-1 dates and a group date. 1-on-1 number 1 goes to Travis, who is popping his 1-on-1 cherry, so to speak. He and Emily explore Dubrovnik for the afternoon, with breaks for street dancing and ice cream. Emily acts as the tour guide again, leading Travis to a small rock that is jutting out from a wall. She claims that the guidebook says that if a person can balance on that tiny rock and remove his shirt, he will have everlasting love. That's weird as shit and I suspect Emily made up that "legend" for the sake of seeing Travis topless, but Travis goes for it somewhat. Balance he does, but remove his shirt he does not, prompting Emily to wonder (in a later confessional interview) just what he has going on beneath that shirt. Yikes! Emily wants to do a little inspection in case he's somehow hiding a gut beneath that button-down. Doesn't Emily realize that the producers would NEVER permit an undercover fatty on the show? Later that night, Emily and Travis meet for a romantic dinner during which Travis says that he's FINALLY learning to open his heart after his failed engagement and 2 years of non-dating. Perhaps this is a bad time for Emily to tell him that she doesn't feel a romantic connection with him and he's being sent home, but she does it anyway. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Meanwhile, back at the suite, the guys are hanging out mostly in jeans and hoodies (since the weather has been rainy and overcast), except for Ryan, who is wearing an undershirt that resembles a tank top from Express circa 2001. Seriously dude--are those spaghetti straps? Take it easy and drop this "guerrilla-style campaign to be retroactively added to Color Me Badd" act--THEY BROKE UP YEARS AGO! "I Adore Mi Amore" was catchy, but you gotta drop it! The rest of them did, even the one who looked like a dentist!
Dude's like, "Would you please floss? For me?"
But this show isn't about Color Me Badd's 1992 hit single "I Wanna Sex You Up," rather, it's about guys who want to sex up bachelorette Emily. I mean LOVE! I mean, romance! Bah!
Up next is the group date and the selected crew is Sean, Chris, Jef, John (Wolf), Arie, and Doug. (Yes, that means that bad haired bad boy Ryan will get another 1:1--more on that later.) The guys meet Emily and they all go to watch a shamelessly long commercial for Disney/Pixar, I mean, they go to watch an advanced screening of Disney/Pixar's new movie "Brave." It's a movie about a gutsy Scottish girl and the suitors who are vying for her affections (sound familiar? HEYO!), so after the movie, the guys are forced to literally duke it out for Emily's affection. Wait, are you saying that while in Croatia, the producers lined up a mock version of the Scottish Highland Games? Yes I am (because outside of America, all other cultures are interchangeable, right Bachelorette producers?). The six guys don SNUG, sleeveless t-shirts (MAMA LIKES!), kilts (just like my high school field hockey team!), white knee socks and black shoes (bad shoe/sock combo) and head to a random field where REAL SCOTTISH PEOPLE await them.
There will be 3 events: archery, kaper toss (a log toss--the dudes literally THROW a log, no joke) and maid leash (like a 1-on-1 tug of war with a long bar in between you and the other person). Chris (bobble head Chicagoan who some of my friends think is gay) is HORRIBLE at everything, but gives it his all (cause what else is he going to do?). Sean wins 2 out of the 3 events, Doug's size helps him out, Jef and John manage to squeak by, and Arie probably does OK. At the conclusion of the Highland Games, Emily has a metal mug with the word "Bravery" carved on it (just to be sure we remember the Disney tie-in) and she is going to award it to the guy who showed the most bravery. Somehow, Chris's complete inability to arch or throw or have strength wins him the Bravery cup, much to the chagrin of ANYONE WITH A BRAIN. Rewarding incompetence is a great way to make people not want to work hard at anything, but Emily isn't setting up a new governmental system so I suppose it doesn't really matter. That night they have an afterparty and guess who scores the rose? FRIGGIN' CHRIS AGAIN! Come on, Emily! Whatever--if you want to date a guy who can't even THROW a LOG, then it's your funeral.
Finally it's time for Emily's 1:1 date with Ryan and thankfully, Emily is wise to his charm and tricks. The other guys in the house are NOT big fans of Ryan, but Ryan is too self-obsessed and delusional to notice. Ryan is, as usual, a bad-haired (but hot) know-it-all who insists that he's an amazing driver (while he nearly gets them in a car accident) and that he's a true gentleman (who won't stop calling Emily a trophy wife). After a day of oyster fishing and exploration, they get dressed up for a romantic dinner. Emily looks gorgeous in a gold, one-shoulder dress and Ryan looks weird in a nice suit paired with bright turquoise shoes. Over dinner Ryan pulls out a list of the 12 qualities he wants in a woman and commences rambling. Emily sits there silently and listens politely, while thinking, Maybe he should bother asking ME what I want in a man or asking ME how he could fit into MY life! Ryan's handsome as hell, but everything with Ryan is ALL ABOUT RYAN. What Ryan wants, what Ryan thinks, Ryan's experience with this or that. He's completely narcissistic. Finally, Emily picks up the rose and explains that she will not be giving it to him. If Ryan weren't such an arrogant narcissist, he would have accepted this and walked away (as did all the guys before him), but instead, Ryan fights her on it and tries to fill Emily with self-doubt. What a jerk! Emily stands her ground, despite Ryan's protestations that she's "making a BIG mistake." Blech. As we watch Ryan walk along toward a cab, he says, "I made some great friendships here and I'll stay in touch with those guys" as we watch shots of the other 7 guys hugging and clapping at the news that Ryan has been rejected. Ouch, but also HAHAHA!
Back at home, Arie stops by Emily's apartment to commend her for seeing through Ryan's BS charming act.
Finally, it's rose ceremony time! Chris has already got one from his long day of shitting the bed at everything. Who else scores roses?
Sean ("Sweep the leg, Johnny!")
Jef (girls with great, voluminous hair simply CANNOT date hipsters--trust me, I tried once--but for now he's still in the game)
Arie (who was looking UGLY this episode, but he and Emily had a HOT make-out against a wall outside a creepy doll shop. Why yes, I love prepositions!)
Then... Emily leaves the rose ceremony (UNPRECEDENTED!) for a quick heart-to-heart with Chris Harrison.
She returns and Chris brings her two more roses, so she can save
John (who knew that almost crying while discussing dead relatives was such an aphrodisiac for Emily!)
Doug (Emily had to teach him how to be confident and wants to see how he does now)
So, all told, she sent home just the 1-on-1 guys, Travis and Ryan.
Up next, they 6 guys and Emily are traveling to Prague! If their visit to Prague is anything like the time I visited Prague, they are going to run into some cool locals wearing t-shirts that say "CZECH US OUT" and I can't wait!