Bach Emily Recap: Episode 4

Last night Emily and the boys left North Carolina to hit the beaches of Bermuda, where they had a sailboat race, debated the merits of being 25 vs. 30, and two guys were sent home.

Chris Harrison mapped out the week: Scheduled events included one 1-on-1date, a group date, and the dreaded 2-on-1 date.  In the 2-on-1 date, two guys leave for the date and only one returns.  It's all very dramatic and Elimidate-like (remember that show from the early 2000s? America watched that show when they weren't listening to songs by America's favorite virgin, Britney Spears.  Those were heady times!) 

Doug (33 year old father with a perpetually surprised facial expression) scored the 1-on-1 date and, as a result, he got a whole lot of ribbing from the other guys.  When all those dudes sit around a room it looks like a Hanes t-shirt commercial.  Holy cotton t-shirts with no logos or busy patterns, Batman!  Doug and Emily explore Bermuda and go shopping, then have a candelit dinner where Emily prods Doug a bit.  Doug has a SUPER positive attitude (almost like the flip-top head, water tank weirdo from Ashley's season) and Emily asks Doug if he ever has a bad day or if he has ANY bad qualities.  He responds that perhaps he cares about his son TOO MUCH and he used to wash his ex-girlfriend's car TOO MUCH.  Oh man, I bet in job interviews, Doug claims that his "worst quality" is that he works TOO HARD.  Barftastic.  Emily calls him on this, then starts listing off her faults to great effect.  Nonetheless, Doug scores a rose and heads back to the Tight T-shirt Headquarters.

The next day is a group date and Emily meets they guys on a dock, next to 2 giant sailboats.  The dudes get a quick sailing lesson, then divide up into two teams for a boat race (but not the kind of boat race like we did in college, when you'd line up and chug beers--this boat race was an ACTUAL race, with boats).  The producers must have been going for a subtle McDonald's visual, as the teams are BRIGHT RED (Travis the egg guy, Sean the hot blonde, Charlie the broken body sweetheart, and Chris (intense Chicagoan with weird eyes) and BRIGHT YELLOW (Ryan the increasingly weird hottie, Jef the hipster prince, Arie the race car driver who Ryan friggity whack HATES, and Kalon the Gordon Gecko-style psychopath).  The boat race kicks off and it's like a poor man's "Wind" (the underrated 1992 flick) with all the shots of wind-blown hotties and booms flopping every which way.  Check a photo of the yellow team cruisin' in a boat named after AC/DC's best song:  



The yellow team comes in 1st place, so they get to have a cocktail party with Emily while the red team goes home in a van, with broken body Charlie openly crying in the backseat.  Come on Charlie, what are you? A high school sports loser who just lost some moronic high school sports game and is now weeping over your inconsequential high school sports career? (Note: Perhaps it's no surprise that when I played field hockey in high school, I had a hard time giving a rat's ass about it all.  I just wanted to get a workout with my pals and wear a kilt around the football team--did you all actually want to win or something?)  The yellow team afterparty gives the guys a chance for some 1-on-1 conversation with Emily.  This is great for Jef, as he gets to connect with Emily more than he ever has (though no kiss) but bad for Ryan, as he reveals more of his patronizing, somewhat misogynistic personality (and Emily is NOT enjoying it).  Ryan throws out a bunch of mantras that he probably heard from his JV football coach ("To whom much is given, much is required") and flirts by being condescending.  Has he been taking flirting lessons from Kalon? Jef scores the rose, but Ryan insists that there's SO MUCH depth between him and Emily.  Keep on telling yourself that, Bad Hair.

Back at the house, Chris and Doug have a debate about the difference in maturity between 25 year-old guys and 30 year-old guys and some metaphorical feathers are ruffled.  The 2-on-1 date card arrives and the unlucky participants are Nate (super bland) and John, aka Wolf.  Emily picks them up and the trio enjoys a day of swimming and cruising around on a yacht.  After their swim, the three of them enjoy a champagne toast and Wolf says, "A toast to all of us," then Nate chimes in, "To Emily... and us."  Yeah, Nate, just like Wolf said already.  (Am I seriously defending a guy named Wolf? Look how far I have fallen!)  They clean up and eat an awkward dinner in a stalactite-filled cave.  Wolf does well for himself by being laid back and friendly, whereas Nate torpedoes his chances by crying and being boring.  Ahh well.  Wolf gets the rose and Nate gets the Heisman (despite the fact that Nate had better abs).

Before you know it, it's rose ceremony time (that "before you know it" is covering for the fact that I dozed off mid-Bachelorette--I worked a full day, had a show, THEN watched this episode, so back off!).  Walking into the ceremony, roses were already on the lapels of Doug, Jef, and Wolf.  Who else scored roses?
Sean (hot blonde, coming on strong after a slow start)
Arie (race car driver with meh looks)
Travis (egg guy whose days are numbered)
Chris (25 year old who thinks he knows everything, which is typical of a stupid 25 year old)
Ryan (sharp-jawed dude who called Emily a "trophy wife" to her face)
Kalon (his ringtone is this, I'd bet you MONEY)
Alejandro (the Latin lover lives to see another week in Bach land)

Who got the boot?  Charlie & Michael.  Both nice guys, undoubtedly, but neither seemed to bring much to the table, other than a story about a horrific porch collapse (Charlie) and a wackadoo ponytail (Michael).  Peace out, dudes. 

Next they're going to London and I'd like to give them a tidbit of information that I learned from my semester studying there: do NOT live on a diet of curry fries & Strongbow.  You'll end up fat and brunette (just me?)

See you next week, pussycats!