Emily had her hands full with half a dozen guys remaining (Arie, Jef, Doug, Chris, Sean, and John "Wolf") and a week of dates in lovely Prague. Chris Harrison informed the guys of the week's events: three 1:1 dates and one group date. The 1:1 dates wouldn't have roses on them (unlike 1:1s in the past), but the group date would have a rose up for grabs. The next round of dates (after Prague) are hometown dates for 4 lucky guys, so Emily had some big choices to make this week.
Date card #1 arrived and on it, Emily asked Arie if he wanted to "Czech out Prague" with her. We were only 5 minutes into the episode when we were hit with out first play-on-words with "Czech"-- hell yeah! Czech it out! Czech yourself before you wreck yourself because gunshot bullets are bad for your health! Chex Mix is delicious and underrated! THIS RECAP IS ALREADY OFF THE RAILS! (But seriously: Chex Mix rules, no?)
With each episode, Arie gets pastier and more sickly looking but yet somehow Emily continues to put her tongue into his mouth--whatevs, GURL. You are sucking face with a guy who resembles a race car-driving albino bunny--to each her own. There was some tension between Emily and Arie, though, as Emily learned that Arie had previously dated a "Bachelorette" producer named Cassie. Emily was understandably weirded out by this fact, especially because Cassie is a producer ON THE SHOW and has become Emily's friend. Emily quotes a Britney Spears song, "Don't Let Me be the Last to Know" and I agree with her. Apparently Emily confronted Arie about this and the two of them had a sit down chat with Cassie to clear the air. Of course NONE of this conversation was taped (cause it's not like they had TONS of cameras & cameramen at the ready), so Chris Harrison was forced to tape some random interstitial, narrative pieces to explain the play-by-play. Long story short: Arie and Emily cleared the air and by the time they were making out atop a boat that night, things were back to normal. On said romantic boat ride, Arie dropped the L bomb and it made Emily really happy.
Date #2 went to John (aka "Wolf" the "Data Destruction Specialist" or as I like to call him, The Deleter) who only connected with Emily very recently. She wanted to see if there was chemistry between them and within the first 10 minutes of the date, you knew there wasn't. John wasn't very fun or playful at all and Emily has better connections with other guys in the group. John and Emily explored Prague, visiting the John Lennon wall (something to do with Commie Pinkos and the Czech version of "Footloose"), a wall of locks (the most industrial, unromantic display of faux romance I have ever seen), and enjoying some boat rides. That night they ate dinner in a dungeon and the highlight of the date was Emily's GREAT half up/half down hairdo! I love wearing my hair that way, but you really need to do it on day 2 or 3 after a wash because you need a bit of grease in there to lock in style, ya know what I mean? When America wasn't busy being mesmerized by Emily's dope weave, we heard John talk about a messy break-up and say that he's a "closer" when it comes to romance. Whatever, Wolf.
John went back to the apartment and told the other guys that he "knocked it out of the park" (felt a lot more 4 balls as a walk, Wolf). This did not sit well with Chris, the Chicagoan bobble head. During the course of this episode, we watched Chris slowly unravel like an effeminate sweater who wears putrid TOMS shoes and openly cries. While Chris was freaking out, Sean snuck off and roamed the streets of Prague looking for Emily. Who woulda thunk it--he found her! They had a hot make-out on the streets of Prague and then sat down to drink beer and make out some more.
The group date card arrived and it listed Sean, Doug, and Chris as the unfortunate recipients of a group date. This means that Jef and his pompadour scored the final 1:1.
It was a rainy, gloomy day for their group date and Chris's attitude matched the awful weather. Chris showed a bit of his Kaylon side (that is, dude was probably spoiled rotten as a child because he cannot FUNCTION if he doesn't get what he wants) and was negative and pissy throughout the date. Doug was dopey, awkward, and so damn positive, of course. Sean was the right balance of hot and cool (LUKE WARM?). Emily took Doug off for some 1:1 time and the conversation was stilted and weird. She leveled with him that the romantic chemistry just wasn't there between them, at which point he leaned in and kissed her. She quickly thanked him, but proceeded with her rejection speech, prompting Doug to ask, "Did I do something wrong?" Oh man. If I were filming an educational video on how to make an awkward rejection the worst thing of ALL TIME, I'd use Doug's exact actions here. He finally gets the picture and hops in a cab, then starts crying HARD.
Now the date is 2:1, which nobody likes. Chris's bottled up energy/anger/craziness/frustration comes out when he says that he wants "an explanation" for why Emily hasn't paid more attention to him. You can catch a lot more flies by being a chill assed bucket of honey, my man. There IS a rose on the group date and Emily gives it to Sean, telling Chris not to take it personally. Ha! That's a classic. Chris continues to lose it.
The final 1:1 date goes to Jef. Emily and Jef meet up, explore Prague, and buy some marionettes. Man oh man, marionettes are the CREEPIEST thing in the world. Somehow they were charming in that one scene of "The Sound of Music" (remember that one? The one with the goat herder?) but anywhere else they are creepy as hell. Not even Justin Timberlake could make marionettes cool:
Jef and Emily turn the creepy to 11 when they have a full conversation, marionette-to-marionette, pretending that the marionettes are each of them and confessing their love and attraction. Then they lie down on the floor of a library and make out, mimicking the mating rituals of nerds. Emily mentions the possibility of meeting Jef's parents and Jef says that if he took Emily home, she'd only meet his siblings because his parents are "committed to some stuff for a few years." Umm...would that "stuff" happen to be jail?
Finally it's time for the rose ceremony and Chris is EAGER to talk to Emily during the cocktail party. But OH SNAP there aint going to be no cocktail party tonight, BOBBY HEEEEAD! (Note: that's "Bobble Head" said with a strange accent.) Chris Harrison drops the bomb that Emily has made up her mind and wants to go straight into a rose ceremony. Girl is making up her own rules!
Emily comes out in a metallic, blue dress with fantastic hair (of course), a light pink lip (retro!), and subtle eye make up. Sean already has a rose (from the group date) and Doug already went home, so only one guy will be getting the boot this week. How did the roses get handed out?
Sean (already had a rose, in his free time he fights for the Cobra Kai Dojo)
Jef (Emily wants a man who can pull her strings! BOOMTOWN!)
Arie (Emily sees past his red eyes & pasty skin, God knows why)
Then it's down to John (Wolf) or Chris. Chris is twitching and freaking out, then he interrupts the rose ceremony to talk to Emily. UNPRECEDENTED! He explains that he was a psychopath on their group date and he was immature, but he really likes her, blah blah blah.
Back to the rose ceremony! Who scores that final rose? CHRIS! Looks like being an immature, petulant psychopath is NOT a deal breaker for Emily!
John (aka Wolf the Deleter) is going home and not getting a hometown date.
In honor of hometown dates next week, let's enjoy some Motley Crue:
Great recap as always. Can't wait for hometowns!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading, Patricia! I'm fired up for hometown dates tonight!
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