Bachelor Nick V. Finale, After Final Rose, Hell Let's Just Start Rachel's Season

Lovebugs!

Monday night was the finale of Nick Viall's tenure as Bachelor Nation's "nice guy" who perpetually finishes last and I, for one, couldn't be happier to see him go.  I mean, find love, Nick--sure--great--but also PLEASE let somebody else get some face time on my favorite TV franchise, OK?

The episode kicked off with our intrepid Bachelor Nick roaming the Arctic tundras of Finland all alone, wondering if his "desperate search for love" (Chris Harrison's words) would result in an engagement or instead a broken heart.

I was pretty annoyed by the whole "maybe Nick will end up alone AGAIN!" possibility that the show kept on pushing because, I don't know, NOTHING in the season made me think that. But I suppose that every season they HAVE to find some angle to keep us on our toes.

Nick and the gang are in Rovaniemi, Finland for this the FINAL WEEK (sorta like FINALS WEEK in school and I hope you studied for the KISS TEST, ladies!).  Nick's family has flown up there (they must be SO TIRED of all this by now)--his sweet mom Mary (who seems like a gemstone, or as Raven calls her, "a jewel"), his dad Chris, an assortment of siblings (blonde, brunette, bearded, Bella) and they are all living embodiments of the Great White song "Once Bitten, Twice Shy."



Raven is the first up and she has already met Bella (and they're BFFs, it seems) and the parents (at Bella's soccer game in Wisconsin) so she's got an advantage.  Raven makes a good impression, but I couldn't help but wonder if her confidence and excitement made her seem a bit too casual about the potential of an engagement and a marriage.  Raven doesn't seem worried about Nick and Vanessa's relationship at all, saying that "this year is going to be filled with events because now I have all these family members" and at that moment, I was like, oh Rav-Rav--you're going back to run your boutique and slide around mud pits in Hoxie, aren't you?  Comments like that are just TOO MUCH and if there's one thing my lifelong membership to Bachelor Nation has taught me, it's that the girls who SEEMS to be in the lead is NEVER the girl who wins.  Could also be a cool metaphor for life right there.

Vanessa is up next and she rocks a light grey jacket and straddles Nick on sight. Hope the family wasn't watching through the window, Canada Goose!  They all sit down for chit chat and Vanessa serves up their first date puking story like a stiff actor on Letterman's couch but it falls FLAT.  Ouch.  It was like watching a bad standup comedian just sorta EAT SHIT up there, then stare off and almost cry.  Very odd.

Vanessa spends the 1:1 conversation being the heavy and asking Nick's mom what happens if they aren't ready for marriage (errrrmmm well Neil Lane won't give you a free blood diamond, so you may just want to SAY you are ready and see what happens?) then weeping with Nick's dad.  Overall it felt SO DAMN EMOTIONAL and I thought, perhaps it was to Vanessa's detriment, but now I'm thinking that maybe it was good because it made Vanessa seem adult and serious about marriage (in contrast to Raven, perhaps).

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison takes a casual poll of the Bachelor Nation residents in attendance--will Nick end up with Raven, Vanessa, or [lotsa laughs on this one] ALONE!??!? HONK!

Finally it's time for final, final dates and Vanessa is up first.  She meets Nick in the woods (what is this, every romantic encounter in my high school career?) and they walk over to a hut,  knock on the door, and are greeted by SANTA!!! Vanessa freaks out as if she's a child who doesn't understand where Christmas gifts ACTUALLY come from and Nick seems to find it cute (they deserve each other). The trio hangs out in Santa's weird hovel before Nick and Vanessa split off for Weep-Fest 2016 (or 2017?).

That night as they spend their final moments together, Nick and Vanessa overthink the definition of romance, talk about whether this all should be easy or hard, and Nick says "there are no guarantees" then Vanessa cries as they kiss.  HOT DATE, GUYS!! Nick attempts to reassure Vanessa, saying "when I've been with you, I've only thought of you" which is a phrase with a pretty big loophole, my friend.  As much as I think that Vanessa has morphed into a sentient wet blanket these past few weeks, I'll admit that I might behave that way, too.  I mean, it's a silly reality TV dating show but your heart is TRULY out there, if you're playing in good faith.

The next day is Raven's final date, so cue up the worst song that ever came outta the 1990s, "Kiss Me" by one hit wonder band (rightfully so) Sixpence None the Richer. Good Lord just the NAME of that band gives me horrific dumb chills. Like, what are you DOING with that band name? Why can't you follow the 90s template, combine 2 nouns (Silver Chair, Green Day, Pearl Jam), and stop being a cheesedick?  Anyher--Nick and Raven pull out some pairs skating moves (despite her TIGHT jeans) and frolick around the pond having SO MUCH FUN, which makes Bachelor Nation think: he'll go with FUN over heavy weeping, right?  WRONG!  But hold on a minute.  Oh yes, Nick walks up with 2 puppies and Raven makes a joke about their children being as cute as these puppies. Oh girl--you keep making these comments and reminding me that you're 24 years old and have never had a major HEARTBREAK that would prevent you from so much as guessing about something that might happen TWO WEEKS from now (just me? Been burned? Too many times? Incapable of love? Doubt everyone?).

That night Nick and Raven snuggle by a fire and Raven shares her feelings very thoughtfully and candidly, saying that she knows that she's ready to marry Nick and it will be easy to say yes when he proposes.  Nick responds, "more than anyone--I never worried about you" which is a polite way of saying "YOU ARE ALL UP ON MY CRANK AND I KNOW IT, APPRECIATE IT." Nick then speaks in vague circles about how he's confident in them (or something) and departs, leaving Raven feeling SURE that she will be proposed to tomorrow.

The next day, Nick roams the woods of Lapland WITHOUT A JACKET ON (my mother would KILL him) and then retires to his cabin (aka the Bear's Lodge, which sounds like a place where they stock "my type") when he hears a knock at the door and who is it but his old pal Neil Lane, going door-to-door peddling diamonds in the woods of Finland.  Nick selects a rock and laments that he must dump a girl.  Such is life, Mr. Viall.  Such is life.

Meanwhile the ladies are getting ready and they both pick fantastic looks.  Raven rocks a sparkly white/grey textured gown with light shoes and her gorgeous, dark hair swept to one side (I LOVE the one side sweep and recommend it for anyone trying to make their hair appeal more full.)  Vanessa looks gorgeous in a sequined black gown with side cut outs (not easy to pull off), black pumps, bold lip, and a super chic short fur coat.

As any Bachelor Fan knows, the first girl to arrive is the girl whose world is about to be ROCKED and not in a good way.  Whose little toes do we see first?

RAVEN!!!

Aww sweet sweet daughter of Hoxie, your world is about to be rocked.  Raven is escorted from the car down a snowy red carpet by Chris Harrison (earning that MONEY) and into the house, where she joins Nick and starts in on a monologue that the producers obviously told her to simply launch into.  Poor thing.  Nick can barely look her in the face and is hardly holding it together as she shares her feelings. Soon it's Nick's turn and he reflects on all the fun they have had, how much he loves her, but says that he's not "in" love with her and his heart is somewhere else.  Raven handles this rejection with such grace--simply listening and sorta smiling.  Props to her for having a poker face.  They tearfully hug goodbye and she hops in the car.  Next Stop: PARADISE!  Well not really, but during After the Final Rose we learn that Raven is indeed going to Bachelor In Paradise, which rules!

Up next is Vanessa and her voice overs are very dramatic (maybe taken from MUCH earlier in the season?)--she wonders if Nick can handle the pressure of having to BE engaged, if he can compromise (ummm girl can YOU?), and if she is going to hurt Nick (huh?).  She walks in and Nick grabs her, picks her up (his FAVORITE move), then they sorta fingertip touch hold hands (barf) as he says that he started to fall in love with her at the 2nd rose ceremony (ya hear that, Corinne?) and how so much of him being here is about his past, but "when I look at you all I see is the future." Goodness gracious are those lyrics off a Justin Timberlake single?

Vanessa shares that she was initially doubtful and she wondered if he would even notice her, but then says "instead, you have notice every part of me" which sounds strangely sexual and creepy. She mentions that she can be a little "emotional, a little crazy, and tend to overthink things" (way to list off your faults right after a guy finally admits he's into you). Nick gets down on one knee to propose and, contrary to almost everything Vanessa has said previous to this, she DOUBLES OVER in tears and emotionally, immediately accepts his proposal.  They make out and quite LITERALLY ride off on a sleigh into the Finnish wilderness, but not before Vanessa says, "let's do it, literally" just to be sure that we all know THEY FUCKIN'.

Then we have After The Final Rose and I'm sorry but that portion of the Finale Extravaganza is always a snooze fest to me.  The person who was rejected is obligated to look better than he or she has EVER looked in LIFE (and Raven delivers), the happy couple has to show that they are SO HAPPY (Nick and Vanessa do NOT deliver, I don't think--there was SO much talk of how damn HARD relationships are and I just feel like, THIS early on it's a daily struggle?), and Chris Harrison has to plug a few other things (the Vegas twins doing some lame spin off TV show on a D list network, Bachelor In Paradise, probably other things that I would have noticed if I weren't busy undercooking a pizza then overcooking a pizza).

The close of After The Final Rose is our girl Rachel who I am SO EXCITED about!  Rachel is our next Bachelorette (and first ever black Bachelorette) and her looks is a 70s dreamscape: 70s-style pantsuit romper thing that shows off her cleavage and has sleeves with slits to show off her arms, plus AMAZING sparkly rings on both hands.  She talks about trusting the process and taking the journey (because she's obligated to hit those talking points, no doubt) then, in a historic move in Bachelor Franchise history, Chris Harrison starts her season then and there!  I HATED THIS!! NO NO NO NO NO!! Rachel deserves better than this!  Some stage hands pop out with a giant backdrop of the Bachelor mansion (sucks to be the 50 people seated behind that backdrop) and 4 random guys come out, one by one, as if hopping out of limos on Night 1.  No no no.  No thank you.  Rachel is, at first, like, "no I'm not ready" but they just keep pushing and I DO NOT like it.  But if I must judge, I'll say that DeMario (first guy) is a gemstone, Blake (2nd guy) should be sent home immediately, Dean (3rd guy) immediately makes a racial joke which was fine, but I just found a little distasteful (and I'm a fucking professional comedian), and Eric (4th guy) didn't rock my socks although his little dance at the end was very cute.

And that's that!!  What did you think, dear readers?  Were you happy with Nick's decision?  Are you fired up for Rachel's season (starting in May) and for Bachelor In Paradise??

If you're rather listen than read (too late), listen to Dava Krause and I dish all the dirt on this episode on our podcast, The Fantasy Suite.  

Thanks so much for reading this season! See you in a few months--same time, same blogspot! xo

Bachelor Nick V. Fantasy Suite Part 2, Women Tell All

On Monday night, Bachelor Nation slogged through 3 hours of Bach and barely made it out alive. There were tears, bold lipstick choices, and at least one orgasm.

We left off last week with Raven and Nick heading into the Fuck Hut--I mean, Fantasy Suite--where they could hump down while watching the Northern Lights. Finland really DOES have it all!  This episode kicked off the next morning, with Raven saying that "Nick is really good at what he does" (software sales? being a repeated romantic reject? licking genitals?) so "I'm pretty satisfied today," then she proceeded to skip around Lapland, giving high fives to passers by and making snow angels to celebrate her orgasm.  Hey, to each her own.  This reminded me of a hilarious scene from 500 Days of Summer:  

Up next is Rachel and she is looking cute in snowbird style--red flannel shirt, red hat, jacket, boots. She runs to Nick and gives him a big hug and straddle (the only way I will greet ANYONE from here on out), then they go cross country skiing (the worst "sport" in the world), feed reindeer, and cruise on a sled. As they sit by a fire and drink tea (or hot booze?) Rachel explains that she struggles with being open to this experience and her fear of rejection, and assures Nick that he's a rarity--a genuine good guy (or something) to which Nick jokes that "I may be white, but I'm still a minority" which cracked me up but seemed to piss off some people on Twitter.

That night Rachel rocks a belly top, winter weather be damned (girl after my own heart), plus a striped sweater and black pants. She and Nick have a great conversation about following your heart and letting yourself fall in love, which prompts Rachel to tell him that she's falling in love with him. Nick responds, "I'm falling for you 100%" which is weird to hear when you KNOW THAT HE SENDS HER HOME IN MERE DAYS.  They make out HARD then open the Fantasy Suite card in which Chris Harrison implores them to explore each other sexually and offers them an old school skeleton key.  They head upstairs (so skeleton key was just a prop?), hop on a bed, and, presumably, have a night of sweet, sweet lovemaking.

The next morning Rachel is ALL IN and feels very confident while looking cute as a button in her sleeper suit (or were those pajamas? same thing?).  Nick has gotta jet and body check another lady, so he says goodbye.

We see Vanessa roaming the woods in a Canada Goose jacket (so much controversy about those jackets lately!), boots, and a hat thinking about how her hometown date "didn't go as well as hoped" (that's a nice way to put it) and that it left her with questions ("can anyone ever handle my HUGE, very loud, very intense family?").  Nick found their hometown date to be "a little on the serious side" which is another great way of admitting that this isn't fun anymore and perhaps his relationship with Vanessa has run its course.  They dress up in American Gladiator style blue swimsuits and spend their date submerging themselves in a frigid ice bath outdoors (WHY?) then running back into the hut to flail around. I thought that how that type of thing worked was that you immerse yourself in cold water, then hot water, then cold water, and so on--am I wrong? When did it become: scamper to an ice bath and shriek then sprint back into a hut and curl up in a ball on a wooden bench? Is this a new thing?  Finally they end up together in the hot tub (where they SHOULD have spent the entire damn date) where they discuss family. Nick says hers is very "traditional" and has many "big personalities" but claims to like that or maybe no? I literally couldn't understand what his point was, while Vanessa admits that she has CORE VALUES that she won't compromise on (what those specific values ARE, I couldn't tell, beyond weekly Sunday lunch with her family) YET she also thinks that Nick needs to learn how to compromise.  Huh?  Yikes!  Any way you slice it, this didn't go well.

The "If We Were In the Real World We Would Just Stop Hanging Out at This Point" tour continues that evening over drinks by a fire, where Nick essentially sings the Star Spangled Banner to Canadienne Vanessa. I'm sorry, but if you can't even begin to have the conversation of where you might live, I don't think you're going to make it.  Nick wonders if they are perhaps too similar, which doesn't seem like the real issue here, but probably a good smoke screen for "I'm just not that into you."  Vanessa says that Nick makes her feel like "the only person in the world who exists" which is a strange thing to say to ANOTHER person, but whatever. Generally, their interaction feels like a contract negotiation and I can't tell if that bodes well for Raven ultimately, or if the producers are tricking us into seeing Vanessa and Nick as a nonstarter.

Actual picture of Vanessa (ironic that their 1st date was floating in zero gravity!)

They rip open the card from Chris Harrison encouraging them to test drive it before they buy it, head out to the Fantasy Suite, and get to business.  The next morning we see shots of them cuddling and Vanessa says "I love you" in a way that is VERY natural, considering that they each member of this couple probably refuses to move cities for the other.

Soon it's rose ceremony time and the ladies are ready and dressed in black.  Rachel's dress has a dramatic, beaded neckline and back straps; Vanessa is in a mermaid cut dress (my fave) and looks gorgeous, Raven wears a black cocktail dress with a keyhole cleavage cut-out and it shows a LOTTA boob.  Wow.

Nick arrives and gives a semi-weepy monologue then hands roses to Raven, then Vanessa.  So sweet Rachel is going home, as we expected to happen WEEKS ago.

Rachel and Nick both cry and have some great hugs and conversation about what happened and it's actually not THAT hard to watch, since we know she has better things coming her way next season.  To be completely honest and corny, seeing her crying as she left and then seeing her in Women Tell All looking gorgeous and gearing up for HER season gave me a lot of hope.  I may be trying to get over a certain guy right now and pained by thoughts of him, but in a few months I'll be in my own metaphorical one shoulder dress feeling confident, looking great, and having a studio audience applaud me.

The Women Tell All was a 2 hour episode that really could have been a little over 30 minutes, if I had my druthers.  We watched Chris and Nick "surprise" Bachelor viewing parties all over southern California then headed back into the studio to see 19 rejects one last time.  Who was there?

-Jaimie - cute pink dress but later in the show her cleavage was background when Kristina was talking and it was a lil awkward.
-Liz - aka The Girl Who Humped Nick Pre-Show, But Also Digs Wells for Poors. I loved her red dress and red lip--great look, even if her strange pro-sex speech was pretty corny.
-Elizabeth - LITERALLY WHO?? She's very pretty (maybe overdid it a lil bit on the under-eye concealer, though) and I LOVE her bold, fuscia lip but everything she said just made me feel like I was listening to The Who's hit song "WHO ARE YOU"???
-Josephine - I had forgotten what a sorta sad wanna-be sidekick she was to Corinne, but she reminded Bachelor Nation. I LOVE the dark lip trend, but when you combine black lips and white-ish hair AND a mustard colored crushed velvet dress, you are playing with FIRE. No thank you.

If I knew how to make a gif, you could see that Josephine was rolling her eyes here.
Can we agree that the whiteish hair/black lip combo is just TOO intense??? 

-Lacey - NYC gal who didn't leave much of an impression, but seemed to want to do SOMETHING in this episode. Now her hair is light brown, which was meh. Also her dress was a snooze and a half in an unflattering color.  I'm sorry.
-Christen - LOVED that red dress with cool neckline, her question to Nick was sweet.
-Alexis - Dolphin Girl bein' Dolphin Girl with NJ state issued hoops and a plain black top.
-Dominique - sparkly top--I like it, but also she seems confused as to how love works. You like what you like, ya know?
-Astrid - in a cute fuscia dress but her hair/personality made me take a quick nap.
-Hailey - white separates, looking good, chiming in a LOT, whatever.
-Taylor - STILL has yet to figure out how to pull together a flattering look for herself.  During the episode Taylor begged Corinne to apologize for, essentially, making her look bad/unprofessional, but I'm sorry girl--you did that to yourself.  Her montage was PAINFUL to watch--wow.
-Sarah Smiley - cute, patterned romper thing with lace up neckline. Super cute.
-Jasmine G. - loved that bold pink dress, eye make-up was a lil heavy.
-Danielle L. - black patterned dress wasn't the most flattering and she seemed STILL UPSET over Nick. Wow. May I recommend "Start Where You Are" by Pema Chodron? For real.
-Corinne - holy clip in hair extensions, Batman! She looks good and during her time in the hot seat, she actually came off really well then handed out cheesy pasta. Way to stick the landing, girl.
-Whitney - aka Astrid in a black dress. Chimed in with some gems a few times.
-Danielle M. - she has gone from a golden blonde to an ashy blonde and I LIKE it. She wore a bold, white romper thing with low cut chest and I admire her strong choice in outfit.
-Kristina - looking beautiful in a red dress with high neck.

They joke around, discuss whether Corinne was the unfriendly know-it-all in the house or Taylor was (my money is on Taylor), and Liz strategically tries to make her one night stand with Nick pre-season into a feminist issue of slut shaming (which it wasn't--I think some girls were weirded out by that situation only because it seemed to give Liz a leg up--pun intended--from the start).  They form a pro-napping political party, there is SO MUCH EYE ROLLING, they all agree that they were all hyperventilating and having anxiety attacks ALL the time in the house (mmmK--I have a feeling none of you know what those things are), and Kristina helps make everyone else seem petty by talking about orphan life as a stepping stone to possible sexual slavery.

Nick comes out and sort of apologizes to a few of the women for simply not having chemistry with them (that's always the weirdest part to me) then Rachel comes out and talks about her excitement about being the first black bachelorette in franchise history.  She put it so well--she doesn't want that fact to be the FOCUS of her season, but she does want to acknowledge it.  Perfect.  I cannot WAIT for her season.

But first, we gotta see who wins Nick's heart for the next 6-8 weeks: Raven (fun, young, American) or Vanessa (seemingly not quite as fun anymore, adult, established, Canadian).  If history serves, Nick will pick fun over adult and besides, it's probably easier for Nick to break up with Raven during Dancing With the Stars than it would be to dump Vanessa.  Am I being too cynical?  Stay tuned!

Also, listen to the latest episode of The Fantasy Suite where Dava Krause and I dish on this episode and last.  All that here (ep 8): https://soundcloud.com/thefantasysuite

Bachelor Nick V: Random Ep from Monday 2/27

PALS!

I am SUPER late with this recap of whatever-the-heck we saw on Monday 2/27.  That evening I was flying back from Puerto Rico where I went on my yearly Adult Spring Break trip.  First off, if you want a lovely place to visit that FEELS like an international trip with doesn't involve changing currency or toting a passport, I highly recommend Puerto Rico! My pal Chelsea and I stayed at the El San Juan which was featured in The Bachelor! How much of a Bachelor psychopath am I? The lady who checked us in appreciated that I knew that tidbit. It's pretty pathetic to admit, but so much of what I know about geography is thanks to The Bachelor. I don’t think I would have known what Vieques WAS, if they hadn’t gone there on an episode (was that during Juan Pablo's season?).  We went into Old San Juan one evening and I was wishing that I was on a daytime date—trying on hats, popping into bars—my own little Bachelor day! 

OK so I finally watched Monday's episode and what a strange situation--a single hour and we get a visit from Andi, a rose ceremony, and then a detailed sexual history of Raven. So weird! 

We start off with Andi "surprising" Nick (I couldn't tell if he was totally unsurprised or just low energy) with a visit to his Brooklyn hotel and trying to act like she has something important to say ("we'll need whiskey for this conversation") when she really doesn't.  It's a cute conversation between exes and, of course, Andi mentions Nick's cringe-worthy question "why did you make love with me if you didn't love me?" because she LOVES trotting that one out and feeling like SHE was somehow done wrong by Nick. Girl, YOU dumped HIM so I'm sorry, but he gets to play the victim card here. Her hair looks amazing and her outfit is fantastic--no surprise.  I always love her style and I'll admit that her Instagram is pretty cute--lots of fashion shots of her in the street in the West Village and I can dig it.  Andi gives Nick what she calls a "feminist rant" (encouraging him to have sex w/ the ladies if he wants to), but I don't think a feminist rant about not feeling ashamed of ones sexuality needs to be directed at a DUDE, ya know? Society isn't punishing DUDES for being sexually active--it encourages that as a sign of machismo. But I digress. Andi leaves Nick with a strange mantra: be kind, have fun, and most importantly, fall in love, which sounds like it came off of a series of Bachelor themed greeting cards (wait--great business idea?) or maybe is something that lifelong Bachelor producers have tattooed on their bums.  

Before we know it, Nick is looking SHARP in an all black suite (black tie, black shirt, black suit--GREAT look) and the ladies are waiting and freezing.  Who gets roses and thus a 1 way ticket to SexyTown, USA, population: Nick and you? 

-Raven: first rose! Raven's rocking some perfect bronzer and a dark lip, plus a sparkly black dress and black jacket with some type of red details. Great look and I've been a Raven fan since the start.
-Rachel: sporting a super flatting green, one shoulder dress with a grey jacket over. I adore Rachel and she definitely feels strongly for Nick at this point, but it is SO ODD to watch this play out and know that he sends her home soon! I'm sure the producers HAD to reveal that she's the next Bachelorette (probably threats of a leak from inside the Bachelor camp), but still, WTF? 
-Vanessa: looking gorgeous in a grayish/tan-ish flowy dress with an interesting neckline, sparkly earrings, and fierce leather jacket. 

So, at long last, Corinne and her platinum vagine are going back to Florida so that she can eat cheesy pasta made by Raquel and "run" her parents' "multi-million dollar company."  I'll admit that I never thought Corinne would make it this far. I thought she'd be comparable to Tierra and burn out within 5 episodes or so.  Before she leaves, let's discuss her outfit: she rocks a fuzzy, ombre jacket (from Bebe I think I read online) over a VERY revealing black dress that's low cut on the breasts and ALSO cut up BOTH legs. So basically, sparkly fabric strips worn on a vern chilly, very windy Brooklyn night.  

Upon hearing that Vanessa is getting the final rose, Corinne sorta smiles, then bursts into tears but I felt like it was an act. Am I too cynical? What did you think? Her entire exit just felt very carefully choreographed by her in order to make her look good.  Perhaps she was jockeying to be the next Bachelorette? It just all felt too deliberate. I mean, she and Nick start walking out down the stairs and she stops him mid-stairway and says that she's sorry if she ever did anything to make him upset. HUH? Girl, that makes no sense and you know it doesn't! But she is doing a SUPERB job of making herself seem sympathetic on the way out.  She hops in the limo and rants about how she will NEVER AGAIN "kiss up" to a man, which was a weird thought on your way out of a dating COMPETITION show, but whatever. Her exit made me wonder if she was ever really into NICK or mores just into winning and pissing off Taylor.  

Next the gang is all heading to Finland for fantasy suite dates in the frozen tundra! Peel off those long johns and let's do the nasty! Raven gets the first fantasy suite date and bless her Razorback heart, she is VERY candid about the fact that she has only "had sex with" (love that she doesn't use corny euphemisms) one person and he did NOT make her orgasm. She seems pretty surprised that her ex never made her orgasm and it's positively charming.  Girl, plenty of guys 1. don't know how to make a woman cum; and 2. don't care. Oh gosh how much of a sad veteran living in the land of Bad Lays do I sound like? My point is this: Raven, sometimes you gotta take care of YOU. Plant your own garden, so to speak. And it's quite a bit of pressure to the fantasy suite situation to be like, "OK Nick let's be alone without cameras for the first time, let's hump it down, AND you'd better make me cum. Here we go!"  

Nick and Raven have a sweet daytime date of drinking, cuddling, and losing at darts before they retire to their Hump Cottage.  But wait--first they have dinner and Raven gives a pretty beautiful little monologue that ends with her saying "I do love you" to Nick.  I loved her off-the-shoulder red top but ALSO I loved what her father has always prayed for her: that she would have an easy love.  I can mock reality TV dating shows with the best of 'em but that "easy love" line really struck me. It also made me realize that this guy who I've been pining after for 2 years off and on is absolutely NOT an easy love, so I should walk away and also maybe I should start praying--hell, it's gotta be more powerful than staying on Tinder. 

Nick says that he likes women with big personality and an edge and describes Raven as the perfect combination of salty and sweet, which makes her sound like kettle corn and I LOVE THAT STUFF! They discuss ironing versus steaming (I'm Team Iron 100%, sorry Raven) and other such issues that they probably discuss in those Pre-Cana classes. Then they're off to the Sex Chamber and the bed is set up beneath a bunch of windows so that they can see the Northern Lights from their bed, so maybe Reverse Cowgirl or Doggystyle? Wow this recap has become one of my most crass ones! Sorry/you're welcome!  

And that was that--what a STRANGE episode!  Next week ABC serves up three hours of Bachelor and I already feel like I'm overdosing. First we'll see the other 2 fantasy suite dates and a rose ceremony (will he send Rachel home?) THEN we'll experience everybody's favorite episode, the women tell all! Taylor and Corinne will face off and I'll bet $100 that Taylor mentions "emotional intelligence" again.  After the 3 hour onslaught, my Fantasy Suite podcast co-host Dava and I will record a super sized episode, so stay tuned for that and catch up on this season here.  

Bachelor Nick V. Hometowns: Olives, Okra, Scrapbooks

Pals!

As ever, I'm late.  I'm sorry!  Also, FYI next week I'll be away on vacation so my recap will be very, very late.  I know--how dare I take an Adult Spring Break getaway mid-season!?!?!  Who do I think I am: an unpaid blogger who is only doing this for the love of the game?

OK first, if you prefer to listen to two major Bachelor heads discuss this episode, you can do so here where my sweet pal Dava Krause and I discuss each episode mere moments after it has ended.

But here's my run down.  I need to keep this short, so we'll go with bulleted lists for the hometowns.

The episode kicks off in Bimini after Kristina has just been sent home and Corinne is STILL freaking out because she knows how to keep the attention on her.  Nick shows up to their paradise house with a handfull of roses ("I can't tell HOW MANY roses, though--I mean, what, should I use my eyeballs to count? Raquel always counts FOR me!" -Corinne) and conducts the most casual rose ceremony of all time, doing it right there on the couch.

So Raven, Corinne, Rachel, and Vanessa are each going to take Nick to their respective hometowns to meet their families and/or servants!!!

HOXIE, ARKANSAS -Raven's Hometown

• I'm a sucker for a Razorback because I have wonderful family in Arkansas (Searcy, what what!) and have visited that beautiful state numerous times.  
• Nick and Raven hop on some 4 wheelers to go mudding, drive through a friggin' swamp, then hop off their 4 wheelers to HOOK UP in said swamp.  Wowie zowie watching that swamp make-out made me want to get another Tetanus shot.  
• They go to hang out at the "grain bin" (felt very Dazed & Confused "party at the Moon Tower") where Raven's police officer brother BUSTS them and demands their papers. TRUMP'S AMERICA, people!!! 
• Everything about this date felt like a Top 40 country video come to life. 
• Nick meet's Raven's dad (newly cancer free!), mom (seems super sweet), brother again (barely ANY camera time at dinner) and everybody cries a lot. 
• Raven and her family ALL agree that they thought Nick would be a smug prick and are pleasantly surprised that he's not. He seems to get that a LOT. 
• Rather than saying "I love you" Raven tells Nick "there's no hesitation on my end of what becomes of this." How romantic!??!!?

DALLAS, TEXAS - Rachel's Hometown

• Rachel's outfit is classy and sexy--serious heels, black dress, white, sleeveless jacket thing over. Nice work! 
• Their daytime date is CHURCH and I am loving it! I'm impressed with how well ABC is talking about race head-on and also, putting Nick into situations where HE is the minority. 
• Rachel's church is what would probably be called a MegaChurch and they make a point to welcome Nick. Later on he says that "this a little bit different from my church at home" (ya think?) but that "Amen is Amen, ya know?" So corny. 
• Rachel and Nick de-brief then head to lunch with her family. Sadly, Federal Judge Dad won't be there (because he has "work obligations" on a Sunday afternoon (riiiight) and also probably doesn't want his face plastered all over TV). 
• Family lunch goes well and Nick properly identifies okra (10 points, whitey!) then has good conversations with everyone there. 
• Good points are made by Rachel's big sister and mother that while Nick and Rachel might be totally comfortable with being an inter-racial couple, society at large sometimes has issues with it and speaks out about it--especially in THIS political climate.  Those conversations were a sharp contrast to Corinne's date (up next) which was basically shop 'till you drop!! 
• Overall, great date but it was painful to watch, knowing that Rachel gets sent home soon!! 

MIAMI, FLORIDA - Corinne's Hometown 

• Date planned for a place that Corinne calls her "holy ground," THE MALL! HONK! BLECH! 
• Corinne and Nick shop like maniacs and Corinne does secret handshake with all of her BFF salespeople who have missed her over these last 6 weeks.  She drops $3,423.00 on a silver Amex and Nick breaks out in anxiety hives (as would I). 
• Over drinks in nearby restaurant, Corinne says "I love you" in the most adolescent, roundabout, robotic way and Nick responds, "it was a fun day today." Maybe these two idiots deserve each other? 
• They eat lunch with her family (mom, dad, sister who MAY have lip injections going on, and woman of the hour Raquel) and Nick is force fed homemade Greek olives. 
• Could those wine glasses have been ANY larger? Good Lord! 
• Corinne's dad raises important questions: can Nick support her or will she support him (she claims she's happy to support him--GOOD ONE, GIRL!) but for reals, will Nick ever have a job? 
• Dad and Nick have some laughs over single malt Scotch and as Corinne and Nick say goodbye, I wonder, maybe these two playful wackadoos are made for each other? What is going on here? 

Corinne enjoying her dinner. 

MONTREAL, QUEBEC, CANADA - Vanessa's Hometown

• First "activity" that Vanessa's students (developmentally disabled adults who seem like absolute GEMSTONE sweethearts) get to do is make a scrapbook about Vanessa and Nick! What fun for them! JK JK JK not at all! But hey, glue sticks! 
• Dead pan guy at that school was CRUSHING with his commentary. 
• Vanessa seems pretty hung up on Nick quickly learning Italian phrases and also memorizing all of the names of her relatives.  You realize he's on a friggin' TOUR of family dinners, right? 
• Vanessa's family dinner looks and feels like an Olive Garden commercial. 
• Vanessa's sister is full of threats and doubts and I love it. How is is that Nick and his final 4 have not discussed AT ALL their plans for what will come post-show, where they might live, stuff like that? 
• It always makes me sad when the show has to do TWO "meet the family" meals because of divorce. Meeting with Vanessa's dad and new wife is not super comfortable and Dad and Nick's 1:1 conversation is BRUTAL! Wooooowie. That was painful, and not just because that dad is a lil awkward and speaks with a thick accent. Dad was asking the important questions!! 
• How much did Vanessa's face FALL when she realized that Nick is going around asking EVERY dad if he can marry his daughter? OOof. That's a punch in the gut. Also, girl, have you watched the show before? Come on. 

Finally Nick heads to The William Vale, some ritzy hotel in Brooklyn that I have never seen or heard of, despite the fact that I live in that borough.  There's a whole lotta staring off at the NYC skyline and we get exactly what we thought we'd get, a surprise drop-in from NYC's newest resident, former Bachelorette Andi Dorfman.  But it will have to wait until next week. 

So we got 4 hometown dates, 0 people sent home, 2 extremely skeptical families, and a whole lot of wine drinking. Not too bad, but I'll be curious how the rest of this season plays out.  Stay tuned! 

Bachelor Nick V. Episode 7: CAN HE EVEN DO IT ANYMORE?

As ever, I'm late with my recap.  Sorry, Bachelor heads. Things have been bananas lately!

OK so Monday night's episode kicked off with Nick and the 6 remaining ladies still in St. Thomas, fresh off the departure of 3 women. There is tension in paradise and Nick can't stop crying.  He chats with his spiritual advisor, Chris Harrison, and says, "I don't know if I can keep doing this." Oh man yeah--what a heartbreaking decision--do you have the strength to keep traveling all over the world for free and having producers plan fantastical dates for you with a harem of knockouts??? CAN YOU DO IT, BRO??? DO YOU HAVE THE FORTITUDE??

He plays up this manufactured drama because the producers need something more to happen in the story and he even emotionally manipulates the women!  This guy can do it all!  Nick goes to their hotel room and addresses the gathered women, giving a tearful monologue about how he has been confident in his romantic choices before and he has had the rug pulled out from under him. The ladies cuddle each other (they are VERY physical with one another which is sweet, but feels a bit forced to me) and stare at him with sympathetic eyes as he subtly insinuates that maybe none of THEM are right and he's worried about it.  The whole thing feels like when a standup comedian berates a small audience for not being more people. Just when we think all hope is lost and Nick simply CANNOT cruise around on ANY more yachts, he does a metaphorical U turn and reveals that WAIT--he is excited about YOU all, ladies!! You six give him faith!  No like those other bitches! Wheeeee!! I love drama!

They scrap the rose ceremony and hop on a death trap sea plan bound for Bimini, the northernmost island in the Bahamas (other than Bermuda, but is Bermuda considered a Bahamanian island with how far up it is? I'm going there in August and I can't WAIT. Just me, my sister, her husband and kids, my parents, and old Aunt Selena FLYING SOLO because dating in NYC is a daily hell and I literally gave up two months ago).

They land in Bimini and Vanessa scores the first 1:1 date, so she dresses up in her red bikini with metallic accents (great choice) and dumpy romper (WHY WHY WHY?) to meet Nick on a yacht. Vanessa reveals that has never been on a boat before which STUNNED me, but perhaps that's because I grew up not far from the ocean? They sit on the boat and talk, do some snorkeling in a shipwreck, make out underwater, and then clean up for dinner.  Vanessa rocks a grey-ish dress with interesting cut-outs (too many cut outs, though?) and Nick wears a snug, white henley shirt (kid has been working his pecs) and she confesses that she's falling in love with him but he doesn't give her much back. Ouch. Corinne claims that Vanessa doesn't have much personality and I hate to agree with her, but I think she may be right.

Up next is a group date for Corinne, Kristina, and Raven and the activity of the day is drinking, swimming with sharks (LITERALLY), and tangling your hair.  Corinne has been on a bigger boat than this, she reminds us, then strips down and presents herself to Nick (barf). Kristina seems to dominate the date (foreshadowing) and Corinne loses confidence (delightful), but Raven is the big winner in that she scores the date rose and will definitely be taking Nick to Hoxie, Arkansas. I have been a Raven fan since the start and I'm so psyched for her! I also LOVE her baby pink lip--great choice.

GO RAVEN(s)!

That night at the "afterparty" (for 4 people, 3 of whom are trying to date 1) Kristina is very pragmatic ("listen, you can't keep us all"), Raven seems to forget that female relatives exist (speaking only about how her "daddy" or brother might be skeptical of Nick), and Corinne can barely keep her eyes open as she rambles and repeatedly refers to herself in the third person.  After Raven wins the rose, she and Nick walk over to a private concert (of some dweebus named Adam Friedman whose entire performance gave me dumb chills--especially the part when he and his band mates jumped up and down) where they dance and kiss.

The next day blonde Danielle gets a 1:1 date and I'm sure that Nick is hoping she somehow found a personality in the last few weeks, alas NO.  Danielle rocks some TINY jean shorts and the cruise around on bikes, eat, drink, shop--a cute date overall.  They dance on the beach (SO AWKWARD) and then sip beers and engage in stilted conversation about their shared home state. Nick puts it tactfully as if Danielle is part robot, saying, "we seem to be struggling having a natural conversation" and it's hard to watch. That night Danielle rocks a red romper (again--I just don't think that rompers are flatting in the stomach/butt area on ANYONE yet this season has been all rompers, all the time) and cute gold jewelry, but the damage is done and despite the fact that she's "fun to have fun with" (Nick's own words), he sends her back to Wisconsin.  She goes back to the house, tearfully packs her bags, and says goodbye to the rest of the girl gang.

Corinne is continuing to spiral and thinks that it's a good idea for her to put on HER OWN romper (STOP STOP STOP), high heeled shoes that she can hardly walk in, and surprise Nick at his hotel with her "sex charm."  This is when we get her most gloriously awful quote of the season: "My heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum" but sadly, Nick doesn't get to experience that platinum "vagine," as he pumps the brakes when she tries to initiate sexy times.  Oof.  Corinne handles it with ZERO GRACE and walks off like a 5 year-old who got into mommy's shoe closet.

ZERO GRACE

Up next is Rachel with the final 1:1 date before Hometowns, which she poetically explains is quite fitting since she got the first impression rose and now she gets the last date.  She rocks a hot, black, crop top and a flowy skirt with shorts built in (island attire perfection) for a daytime date of walking and drinking in a local bar (my kind of date!).  Rachel talks about her family and says she's a daddy's girl and has never brought home a white guy before, so this will be a first.  We know that Nick and Rachel DO NOT end up together, though, as she is slated to be THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!! I am SUPER fired up for that, but confused about the timing of the announcement.  Was there a leak, perhaps?  Who knows.  They have a great, quick date and Rachel goes back to the house floating on air as Corinne continues to unravel.

That afternoon Chris Harrison and Nick have a heart to heart and Nick knows which lady he wants to send home and doesn't want to wait for a rose ceremony.  Go for it, man.  He heads over to the ladies' house and all of Bachelor Nation says a silent prayer that he will call for Corinne and send her back to Florida, but no, he inquires about Kristina.  Oh girl.  Nick retrieves her from a bedroom and walks her outside by the hand and she must know by now, right?  Perhaps not, as she seems STUNNED (and ANGRY) as Nick launches into a diatribe that starts, "you're someone... from the moment I met you.." and ends as you'd expect it to.  Kristina is ANGRY immediately and says he never gave her a chance, but girl, the heart wants what it wants.  As some random asshole said to Desiree when she dumped him on the beach, you can't be ANGRY at someone for not loving you. Kristina and Nick have a somber hug goodbye and she heads inside to pack and double over in tears.

Somehow, through all of this, Corinne is STILL FREAKING OUT because she's the second biggest narcissist in the world (Trump is #1 obvi) or MAYBE it's because she knows the camera will stay on her if she continues to freak out.  Either way, girl, take a deep breath and calm down.

Next week we have a surprise woman showing up at Nick's door (my money's on Andi--that hair) and the proposal will take place on the goddamn arctic tundra!  I'll be back on my podcast as normal and recapping here!  Talk soon! xoxo

Bachelor Nick V. Episode 6: Russian Orphanages, "Chokey," and Too Many Rompers

Bachelor Nation!

Last night's episode was a doozy!  We saw the departure of SIX women in one episode (unprecedented this late in the game?), we had a conversation about child prostitution in Russia (spooky/timely), and joked around about "chokey" aka erotic asphyxiation! All on network television during prime time! Holy shit what is going on?

I've got to whip through this recap today, so let's get to it and get through it quickly.

The episode opens up with Corinne and Nick on a dinner date (after Taylor's recent dismissal), but we haven't seen the last of America's Favorite Emotional Intelligence Expert!  Taylor BUSTS INTO their date to say two things to Nick:
1. Corinne lied, and
2. Come outside so I can berate you on the dimly lit front steps of this old church, please.

Nick and Taylor talks outside and she continues her same diatribe as before--SHE IS NOT A BULLY! Part of love is respect! SHE IS NOT A MEAN GIRL! But Nick needs to "open your eyeballs" (exact quote) because Taylor, a girl he has known for mere weeks, KNOWS what is right for him!!!  Why won't he let TAYLOR make his choices!?!??  That's what gets me about all this--these girls are like, "Corinne isn't right for you!" but they hardly know Nick!  Sure, Corinne's a helpless, obnoxious booze bag who needs to grow up, but maybe Nick WANTS that?  Who knows?

Nick essentially says, thanks for caring, Taylor, then sends her packing again. He returns to Corinne, they make out, and he wants to see what could happen (or at least play tonsil hockey for a few more weeks).

Now we're down to 12 ladies and it's rose ceremony time!  The women get dolled up, hop in a horse drawn carriage, and head to a huge plantation house where they sip on BIG glasses of wine (Danielle's was almost larger than her face). Chris Harrison informs them that Nick has chosen to skip the cocktail party (WHAT!?!?! WHAT!? But I brought a PowerPoint Presentation about why he should love me and now I don't get to show it?!?!) in favor of going straight to the forced departure ceremony--I mean, rose ceremony.

Corinne, Danielle M. (blonde one), and Rachel all have roses.  Who will live to see another group date?

-Kristina - wearing a lovely maroon dress with interesting cut outs up top.
-Raven - in an odd blue dress with, again, detachable arm cover things. WHY WHY WHY?
-Vanessa - our 2nd maroon dress of the night, looking great.
-Danielle L. - hair back in sorta curled bun, tits out in a low cut black patterned dress.
-Jasmine - looking great in a retro style black and white cocktail dress.
-Whitney - aka Astrid's Body Double in a bizarre mesh dress that has some white pieces, but is mostly tan white girl flesh tone, so she looks like a L'Eggs plastic egg with a brown wig attached to it. Her skin looked great, though--fantastic shimmer contouring.

Actual photo of Whitney in her weird mesh, flesh toned dress. 

So heading home we have Josephine (who seemed perfectly nice but didn't have much real, 1:1 connection with Nick), Alexis (who is RAD and goofy and seemed to have a great friendship with Nick, but no romance), and Jaimie (whose purple lipstick was BOLD but who we never saw going too far, did we?).

We're down to 9 girls and it's time to head down to an island whose weather can best be described as "perpetually overcast": ST. THOMAS!

The gals land in St. Thomas and do the requisite beach walk, patio scream, and suite exploration. They meet up with Nick plane-side and he announces that a 1:1 is starting right then for KRISTINA, the sweet Russian girl who was adopted by a Kentucky family. As Jasmine begins to unravel, Nick and Kristina fly away and head to the Annaberg Ruins for beers and real talk.  Nick is fascinated but also wants to get Kristina out of those pesky clothes, so they head to the beach for swimming and straddling.

That night over dinner, Kristina (done up in a super cute white dress and tan wedges) shares her harrowing life story--a brutal childhood in Russia, a neglectful mother, and 6 years a Russian orphanage before she was adopted at age 12. Kids who aren't adopted are forced out of the orphanage at age 16 and often go into prostitution and I must say PROPS to Kristina and The Bachelor for having the guts to speak about child sexy trafficing with such candor and for shining a light on this issue.  Wow.  Kristina dealt with some feelings of guilt when she was adopted but decided to move to the U.S.A. and "live life in color" (sorta corny, but also very sweet) and Nick seems to be smitten.  She gets a rose and they dance in a gazebo surrounded by steel drum players and local dancers.

Meanwhile, Corinne has found a local St. Thomas woman (Lorna) to act as her new Raquel and sure, I suppose it's a funny little aside, but there's also something very yucky about watching a native woman wait on a white woman who is visiting the resort, ya know?

Up next is a group date for Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M., Jasmine, and Nick and I haven't seen that much sloppy day drinking since season 3 of Bachelor In Paradise or maybe Sunday at my friend's boyfriend's Superbowl party!  Corinne wears a beige bikini top (NIGHTMARE), Vanessa rocks a super cool black bikini, Raven does mismatched bikini top and bottom (my favorite style), and nobody has any fun.

That night the gang SOMEHOW rallies for more drinking (I would have been riding the struggle bus--a day of drinking, a hellish forced volleyball game, then MORE drinking a few hours later? Can I get a nap and some uppers, plz?) and alone time with Nick.  Nearly every woman is saying that this has been more stressful than any week before and Jasmine, unfortunately, goes a step farther, telling the other women that she feels completely ignored and forgotten.  She has been stewing on this for a few days, so when she finally gets alone time with Nick, she pounces. She starts off OK, simply saying, "I like you a lot and I feel overlooked and it sucks" but then she DOES NOT STOP TALKING and it just gets worse with every moment.  She's upset that she hasn't had a 1:1 so far, she is here to find love--not just score a free vacation and enjoy open bar.  Then she goes off the rails and "jokes" that she wants to choke him and slap him (cringe!), then bizarrely tries to sorta redeem herself by saying that she wants to do "chokey" and straddle him, choke him (which, if this were 1996 and I were a high schooler watching this show in my parents' basement would DEFINITELY be THE MOMENT when my father would come downstairs and say, "WHAT IN THE HELL DO THEY SHOW ON TV NOWADAYS??). Nick literally looks scared and creeped out, so he gingerly suggests that maybe it's time to say goodbye and he walks her out.  Jasmine was such a solid contender at first--it's sad to see her leave in such creepy circumstances, but this show makes people go crazy.

Everyone is emotionally drained and snuggling, but soon it's time for another 2-on-1. ANOTHER ONE!? Bachelor lovers--I thought that usually we only had ONE 2:1 per season--am I wrong? Right? The greatest of all time?

The 2-in-1 is Nick, Danielle L. (aka Tits McGee), and Whitney (snooze) and both ladies are in rompers, though Whitney's is a LOT more unflattering. Does no one own separates anymore? Am I an old lady for owning frigging tank tops?

You're both in rompers? Cool cool. I'm over here in separates like a goddamn pilgrim.

The trio hops a helicopter and cruises to a desert island where there is nothing except a canopy bed and drinks.  I got the feeling that Nick wanted to ditch BOTH women on that island, but somehow Danielle L. charms him, so he only abandons Whitney (who turns MEAN and begins trying to insult Danielle L. because she's a pawn in the hand of the patriarchy and they love to always pit women against other women).  Whitney gets the Olivia treatment--being forced to stand there alone on the beach as Danielle and Nick escape in the helicopter.  Man--the only thing more brutal than being ditched on a desert island is being ditched on a desert island while you're wearing a super unflattering romper.  Sorry, Whitney.

That night Nick and Danielle L. (aka D. Lo) have dinner and D. Lo explains that they have so much in common because they both enjoy hanging out with friends and being close with family (OMG they are like, FATED to be together with those SUPER UNIQUE commonalities that aren't shared by the majority of humans on the planet).  Nick seems to suddenly realize that he and D. Lo actually DO NOT have much in common (perhaps because of the answers to that "2 word to describe ideal relationship" question?) and finally notice that she says "like" every other word, so he sends her home and cries about it.  Danielle handles it gracefully (and rocks a gorgeous, very vacation chic, flowy dress) and reminds us of Bonnie Raitt's immortal words: you can't make someone love you.



Nick's down to 6 women and he's having a personal crisis.  Did the casting directors pick a girl who he can marry? Is one of these 6 "the one"?  And whatever will he do if he does NOT find love on national TV--what then?  Will he be forced to just KEEP DATING!??! We'll find out next week!

Bachelor Nick V. Episode 5: Haunted Houses & VooDoo Priestesses on The Bayou

Greetings, fellow Bachelor Heads!!

Sunday night was the SAG Awards but I didn't tune in because I'll take my drama on Monday nights, thank you very much!  And Nick Viall's episode 5 did not disappoint in the drama department! Also in the Voodoo Priestess Department, which seems to be a new department for Bachelor Nation.

Episode 5 picked up right where we left off last week--with Taylor and Corinne brawling about emotional intelligence and maturity while lit by a stunningly flattering fire.  It was like Nature's Glamour Shots in there!  Taylor and Corinne are like, "are you ready to marry him? do you have self awareness? blah blah blah" and I was just like, "Corinne's make-up is on point and the glow of this fire is absolutely beautiful on their angry faces!"

As Taylor and Corinne brawled fireside, the older, seemingly more mature gals had a conversation about how that drama isn't worthwhile, you've simply got to avoid competitive tension, and run your own race.  Amen, ladies!  Is ANYONE surprised that the biggest drama among the women is a 23 year-old vs. a 24 year-old?  Also, a blonde vs. a brunette? Ha!

Corinne did a pretty manipulative mind fuck on Taylor (not sure if she fell for it, though), insisting that the other women HATE her, think she's not nice, and has a stank face.  It was pretty rich to hear Corinne--the girl who legit SLEPT THROUGH a rose ceremony--refer to Taylor as "entitled" but Raquel's favorite employer seemed to be dropping any insult she could.

Corinne ran to Nick and told him that Taylor's widely disliked (not true, I don't think?) and she's not here for the right reasons (also seems untrue but admittedly, Taylor isn't keeping her eyes on the prize right now).  Nick is receptive to it and Taylor seems to regret wading into these drama waters.

Soon it's time for the most dramatic--and CHILLY--rose ceremony yet.

Three ladies already have roses: Raven (Arkansan rollerskate pal), Kristina (eastern euro straight talker), Danielle L. (aka Tits McGee, nail salon entrepreneur).

Who else scores chilly flowers?
-Whitney (aka Rich Man's Astrid, in a leather jacket over a dress)
-Danielle M. (blonde from Wisconsin and this is when I realized you could see their breath)
-Jasmine (NBA dancer in a great black dress but does she have a connection w/ Nick?)
-Rachel (looking great in a sparkly, silver dress)
-Jaimie (back to curly hair with big earrings and a choker)
-Josephine (who is again SHOCKED to be picked and I want to be like, girl, act as if, OK?  Cute red dress and jacket, though)
-Vanessa (patterned dress, leather jacket, solid look)

SO NOW WE ARE DOWN TO TAYLOR, CORINNE, SARAH, ASTRID AND NICK ONLY HAS 2 ROSES TO HAND OUT!!!

-Corinne (ugh she suuuucks and honestly, her "conversations" with Nick are mostly about the here and now--we have no sense of where she came from, her family, any connection)
-Taylor (seems tired and defeated and isn't looking amazing)

Actual photo of the ladies at the rose ceremony

So heading home are smiley Sarah in a cute, lace, tan dress and no jacket (way to DO THE WORK, girl) and Astrid (aka poor man's Whitney) in a putrid suede jacket. Bye ladies.

The gals can stop doing their best impression of the T Birds because it's finally time to go somewhere warm--NEW ORLEANS!!



Nick's Dozen Beauties arrive in New Orleans and freak out at the sight of a hotel room as if they just escaped from solitary confinement.  Chris Harrison arrives in a very "summer Friday at the office" look and informs them of this week's calendar: a 1:1 date, a group date, and the infamous 2:1 date (which Corinne and Taylor MUST KNOW they will be going on, as this date is ALWAYS reserved for 2 participants who HATE each other).

The 1:1 goes to Rachel who immediately suits up in a super cute white halter top, yellow short shorts, Chuck Taylor high tops, and big hoops.  Nick is waiting for her in the French Market where they make out a LOT, eat hot sauce and oysters, and try on glasses and masks.  They head over to Cafe Du Monde for beignets, or as we used to call that delicacy in Quincy Market, Boston, friggin' fried dough.

After that, they stumble upon a Second Line (something Rachel is cool enough to be familiar with, of course) and they join in the street brass band parade, leading the whole shebang while carrying lace umbrellas, kissing, and dancing.  It was so damn cute and I was sitting on my couch alone thinking, "damn that date would get me EXCITED about even a guy--even a guy as meh as Nick!"  The parade stops RIGHT BELOW the hotel where all of the other ladies are cooped up in their Gilded Cage, so of course they look out the window and torture themselves by watching Nick and Rachel kiss. Ouch.  It's like a live action version of when I stalk my ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend on Instagram--don't do it, ladies (and self)!!!

That night over "dinner" (beer for her, wine for him), Rachel and Nick compare their parents' marriages (Rachel's are clocking in at 36 years; Nick's at 38), talk about fathers (Rachel's is a Federal Judge who DON'T PLAY), and Nick sweetly says that he's breaking the rules but, "I'm super into you."  Rachel gets a rose and a make out session on a parade float.

Up next is a group date in a "haunted house" (an Antebellum era sugarcane plantation but of course there is no mention of slavery because this is The Bachelor and their idea of progress is having more than one black woman in the harem) for Josephine (learn to be cool, girl) Kristina (do you think she speaks any Russian? We should all learn that now, da?), Alexis (goofball shark/dolphin), Raven (Razorback rocker), Jaimie (seems like a good time sally), Vanessa (fun girl, but are she and Nick still connected at all?), Danielle M. (snoooooze), Whitney (poor man's Astrid and Astrid isn't even HERE anymore), Jasmine (slow burn?), and Danielle L. (I bet BOTH Danielles are wishing there were fewer Danielles in the group).

The ladies and Nick sip on Mint Juleps while the strange caretaker Boo (real name? COME ON) tells them that this plantation--errr--HAUNTED HOUSE-- is where an 8 year old girl named Mary died of Scarlet Fever and she haunts the house searching for her doll.  They are instructed NOT TO TOUCH certain things, so naturally later that night they touch all of those things, get spooked, shriek, and run around wearing daisy dukes by candlelight.  Nick makes a few comments that Mary, the ghost, is ALSO on the date and I just hope he gave enough 1:1 flirty time to that dead 8 year-old! The crew plays a game of Ouija and this group date goes on MUCH too long, until we are finally relieved when blonde Danielle L. is given a rose and it's over.

Up next is the infamous 2-on-1 and it is, in keeping with Bach tradition, in a remote, weird location (the bayou--previous locations include the Badlands, a stormy island, the woods) and it's a date of the 2 people who HATE each other the most (Taylor vs. Corinne; previous seasons paired up Chad vs. Tiny Hero in a woods brawl, Olivia vs. Whichever Blonde Twin That Was on an island; Ashley I. aka Poor Man's Kim Kardashian vs. That Weirdo Frumpy Chick Whose Fiancee Died and She Loved Talking About That Tragedy in the Badlands).

Corinne and Taylor get dressed up for a date: Corinne in a super bland outfit that includes wildly unflattering pants, Taylor in a hippie-style top and almost NO make-up--a look that I might call "First Day of School In Sixth Grade."  The trio meet on the water's edge and hop in a small motorboat that is captained by a true Louisiana Character: a "husky hottie" wearing jeans, a snug black tank top, who has a long, blonde ponytail.

Hello there, Husky Redneck. Will you give me a tour of YOUR bayou? (Know what I mean?)

You can just sense how much Husky Redneck FRIGGING HATES Taylor, Nick, and Corinne, but he does his job and drops them off on an island where they walk through the woods and come upon a Voodoo Priestess and her crew. Ummmm HUH?  Did all of this feel very exploitative of that culture? Am I being too PC? I dunno--I could just imagine some other Voodoo Priestesses being angered that she did certain rituals on camera, for show, ya know?

The trio walked over to a table where a Tarot Card Reader read each girl's cards (WHY NOT NICK'S CARDS???) one at a time.  During their alone time, Corinne told Nick that Taylor "emotionally attacked" (ummm is that a thing?) her and has been bullying her.  Sure, Taylor has come off as a bit smug smartypants lately, but "emotionally attacked" is a bit much.  As we watch this convo, we see a montage of clips of the Tarot Reading and hungry alligators.  When Taylor gets some 1:1 time with Nick, she attempts to set him straight but she's very defensive (understandably so, but still) and angry.  And so she has already lost.

How many times must we learn this lesson? When you are the person in the house who is CONSUMED with pointing out the REAL ASSHOLE (and, make no mistake, Corinne IS the real asshole), you put YOURSELF on the chopping block by focusing too much on HATING another participant and not enough on LOVE.  Who cares if Nick and Corinne are building a relationship based on "whipped cream and lies" (sounds semi-delicious)--it's between THEM! Eyes on your own paper, Taylor!

[steps off most pathetic soapbox in the world]

Corinne scores a Voodoo doll off the Tarot Card reader, stabs it, and Nick sends Taylor packing. Ouch. Corinne and Nick hop on a boat and cruise off, leaving Taylor sitting alone at a table in the woods (the 2:1 exits NEVER disappoint). They make out HARD while the poor Husky Redneck drives the boat.  Taylor stays on the island and joins in a Voodoo Priestess ceremony (CREEEEEEPY) then hops on Husky Redneck's boat, cruises back to shore, and shows up to Corinne and Nick's dinner date to confront them!!!!  I'm betting this will be the most dramatic 2:1 date departure since Chad roamed through the woods and showed up at the house last season!

Next week will be amazing.  What do you think will happen? It seems like Taylor has a bombshell to drop, but what could it be? Corinne has a boyfriend back in Florida?  Corinne is secretly dating Chris Harrison? Raquel the "nanny" is Corinne's secret wife??  We'll soon find out!

Also, listen to THE FANTASY SUITE to hear me and the wonderful Dava Krause cackle over how ridiculous this episode was.

Bachelor Nick V. Episode 4: Dating on the Dairy Farm

Lovebugs!

We are now living in Trump's America, a land where the Environmental Protection Agency had better SHUT ITS MOUTH because Donny said so, but, mercifully, we have Nick and the Gals to keep our spirits high as we slowly march toward a world of "alternative facts" where Press Secretary's carry personal vendettas against Dippin' Dots!

But you know what is NOT an alternative fact? How much all the ladies HATE CORINNE!!

(What a segue!)

That's me! On a segway! In a helmet! (JK I hate hats.)

Episode 4 opened with all of the women gathered by the pool looking gorgeous and having a Town Hall meeting about how much Corinne sucks.  Where was she? Upstairs dozing like Florida's own Sleeping Beauty.

Nick and Vanessa continued their intense conversation on the steps (during which she straight up offered to return her rose and walk, if he's just looking for someone to F around with--GO GIRL), and later Nick said goodbye to the ladies, assuring them that it's "all about the end game."

Post-pool party, Smiley Sarah and Therapist Taylor visited Corinne in her bed and calmly advised her to do herself a favor, pull it together, and stop acting like the rules don't apply to her.  Corinne cracked some pretty solid jokes, saying that she is NOT privileged (zing!), asking why they are so obsessed her (BOOM!), and insisting that that they need to get over it (HONK).

Soon it's rose ceremony time and every girl is saying she will be PISSED if Corinne gets a rose.  Nick and Chris Harrison have a quick chat about House Pariah Corinne as we watch clips of Corinne in the interview room saying that girls are "haters," they all have their "panties in a bunch" and they're "overly sensitive." Wait, is she employed by the Trump administration? Or do her talking points just flow so naturally from Donny's wig into her mouth?

Vanessa and Rachel already have roses, and does Danielle also?  Either way, the rose hand out goes....
-Raven - looking pretty good, but wait, is that greyish sorta textured dress made of window shades and--hold up--does it have separate arm pieces!??! To cover her biceps?  Huh?
-Taylor - blue, sleeveless dress, high ponytail, big hoops, solid look
-Whitney - lovely, lacey white dress and bold lip, but still, like, who is she?
-Kristina - From Russia With Love (is that Eastern Euro racist?) is looking hot in a red V neck dress
-Jasmine - maroon dress with long sleeves is super flattering and sexy, without being like, "tits out," ya know?
-Alexis - coral dress,  hoops, a bit too basic for me, but not bad
-Astrid - rocking a sorta Cher look (nice) with a white dress with blue pattern on it, but also, is she just another Whitney or am I experiencing hair/face blindness?
-Blonde Danielle - love the bold lip, cute sparkly blue-ish top thing
-Jaimie - woa woa woa straight hair now? How long did that take to blow out? I guess you got nothing better to do in the Bachelor Manse, so may as well while away your hours damaging your hair.
-Josephine - looking really great with the dark lip, thought that shirt color (dirty tomato) is atrocious
-Sarah Smiley - light dress, simple necklace, nice, light look
WOA IT'S DOWN TO BRITTANY, CHRISTINE, OR CORINNE!!!
-Corinne - in a red dress that looks like a weird bandage dress (remember when those were goddamn everywhere?) with hair down (of course--ugh--snooze).

So heading home we have Christine (the super sweet virgin who rocked cute hair scarves) and Brittany (who never did much, but did leave us with a LOT of weird side smirk in the style of McKayla Maroney.

The girls who don't suck tearfully bid goodbye to Christine and Brittany then Corinne insists on proposing a LENGTHY, drawn out toast about how HAPPY she is to be here and how lucky they all are to be here and wow, I haven't seen petty, immature attempts at manipulation that bad since middle school.  Cool moves, girl!

So we're down to Nick and 15 girls and Chris Harrison has got some travel news. Pack your bags and your Lactaid because we are heading to WISCONSIN!!!! The ladies are THRILLED and I gotta say, I attended a wonderful wedding in Milwaukee this summer and it was a BLAST!  You'd be surprised how cool that down is--a lovely waterfront, some great bars, classic restaurants with awesome cheese options--solid stuff.  But poor Blonde Danielle is legit FROM THERE, so she's probably not TOO jazzed up, only because it's not an exciting, new place for her.  But I digress.

As the ladies unpack in their beautiful house (which has been scrubbed of any books, magazines, televisions, no doubt), Nick and his parents are crying and chatting in a local coffee shop.

The first 1:1 date in Waukesha, WI goes to Danielle L. (the artist formerly known as Tits McGee) and their date is a walk around Nick's hometown and a recitation of boring memories about him making out in the library, hooking up in fields, and having awful friends who encouraged him to jump in a river for $12 then BOUNCED.  They "happen to run into" an ex of his, Amber, who is super nice and gets along with Danielle really well--SEE THAT, AMERICA!??! NOT ALL WOMEN HATE EACH OTHER!!! (I'm stilled riled up from the Women's March and from being called an "aching vagina" by a random woman on Facebook--no joke! Life is a  magical journey filled with thrilling characters.)

That night in Milwaukee, Nick (looking like he's a JV Blood in a red leather jacket) and Danielle L. (in a black and white dress that she must have bought in Cleavage City, USA) drink and discuss Danielle's parents' divorce from a decade prior ("HI MOM AND DAD! Hope this isn't weird for you guys to watch on TV!" -Danielle).  I was LOVING Danielle's messy ponytail and sparkly hair tie, so I missed much of the conversation, but I'm sure the gist was that she WANTS to love, yet she's SCARED of love. Should I just watch the series on mute from now on?

Then they walk down the street and burst into the Pabst Theater (God bless Milwaukee and its amazing beer history) where they are greeted by HUNDREDS of screaming women (the energy was set to "Last Season of Oprah" levels). Nick and Danielle give high 5s down the aisle, then dance and make out on a platform in front of a "country" singer named Chris Lane. OK, I am a FAN of shitty Top 40 Country. I remember when Emily Maynard and that polish dude from Chicago danced to Luke Bryan on The Bachelorette before ANY "coastal elite lib-tards" knew who he was, but I was already into him. So if you're a new guy on the country scene and I'm like "duuuuhhhh wah?" then you'd better get your publicist working overtime.  Danielle has a rose and is safe for another week.

The next day is a group date for Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimie, Sarah Smiley, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Blonde Danielle, and CORINNE.

The date is on a dairy farm (what what WISCONSIN!) where the ladies will be bailing hay, milking cows, and shoveling shit (literally).  This date was MADE for Corinne and she had a tantrum, as the prophecy foretold.  While everyone else went along with it and made the best, had fun, Corinne said that her hands were SUPER cold, so she had to go sit outside and she was "almost hospitalized."  She whines that her private slave--I'm sorry, nanny--Raquel, should be handling her chores and says she wants sushi.

That night at the afterparty, the ladies walk up like a bunch of T Birds (practically EVERY single gal had a black leather jacket) and Nick quickly pulls Kristin aside.  My pal Lauren's favorite moment was when Kristin says to Nick that she'd like to tell him about her childhood and she may have to do that in pieces. Nick says yes, he'd like to learn about her childhood, but first it's MAKE OUT TIME. Corinne compares herself to a corn husk, which would be more appropriate if the gang was in Iowa or Illinois. How about a more appropriate comparison--perhaps a cheese that is both ugly AND smelly?  

The ladies argue with Corinne as Vanessa shows Nick a scrapbook that her students made her.  Corinne begins to unravel, giving overly emotional apologies for napping (girl, you know it's not about you being tired--it's about being rude to the other girls--don't play dumb) then inviting the women to speak directly to her if they have an issue with her. Vanessa, Taylor, and Sarah take her up on that offer, which enrages her even more.  My favorite was watching Kristina drop some TRUTH on Corinne--that eastern european accent does NOT pull any punches and I love it.

Kristina says to Corinne that she's chooses to hide away and run away, rather than face things head on and show up for a 20 minute rose ceremony.  Corinne storms off to find Nick and pretend that everything is going great. I'm betting we only have one or two more episodes out of this girl (betting/praying).

Nick gives the date rose to Kristina--great move!

Up next is a 1:1 for my favorite Razorback Raven and she's looking cute and casual.  Nick and Raven walk to a soccer field where they will be watching Bella (Nick's little sister, a recurring character on the show) play soccer and meeting Nick's parents!  Raven is a good pick for this date and she makes a solid impression.  Then they go roller skating and Raven is a good sport, plus very sweet to Bella.  That night Nick and Raven eat dinner in the Milwaukee Art Museum and Raven gives the blow-by-blow of her explosive last relationship, which ended when she kicked in a bedroom door and found her ex straddling another woman.  Yikes!  She beat him with a stiletto and now I am Team Raven for life!!

The next night is the cocktail party/rose ceremony somewhere VERY COLD with lots of candles and open flames.  Tensions are mounting and the dueling sides seem to be Josephine and Corinne vs. Taylor and Every Else.  Josephine, didn't you see how this ended for Lacey?  Everyone who befriends her gets sent home--save yourself!

Corinne and Taylor take a page from the Real Housewives and go sit by a fire to have an argument. Taylor says that Corinne lacks self-awareness and emotional maturity and Corinne responds that Taylor is "stuck up" which is an insult beloved by middle school idiots.

In the previews of next week's episode we hear that Corinne wants to punch Taylor in the face (real classy, multi-million dollar business "owner") and I'm betting money that those two end up on the 2-on-1 date (that's ALWAYS how they do it!) which will involve Everglades and Alligators, it seems. Will they be taking Corinne back to her homeland and leaving her there? We can only hope!

Bachelor Nick V. Episode 3: Doulagate, Naps, and a Lil Boot N Rally

Amigos!

On Monday night The Bachelor picked up right where we'd left off--with the ladies living in STD Shack processing the fact that Liz "Joker Smile Doula" Janner Friend humped Nick 9 months pre-Bach and he had just sent her home.

We were heading into a rose ceremony (rough timing) and Nick arrived at the house to face an onslaught of gorgeous ladies who wanted more information, like the strangest press conference of all time. Nick gave it to them straight, saying "we had sex... but here's the thing--I asked for her number, but she said that she wasn't in the right place and wanted to leave that night to be that night." I get what he's saying and I get why he added the disclaimer of "I asked for her number! I couldn't possibly be a sleeze!" but I also wonder what the more conservative girls in the house (cough Christen cough) think of this behavior.  Nick tells the ladies that he's an open book and he's happy to answer any questions about DoulaGate, but the gals are pretty quick to pull a Fozen and just let it go (a joke for my mom friends out there! Frozen, huh? Am I two years behind? Do the tykes still love that one?).

Nick has a few conversations about it (the one with Lacey the NYC gal seems pretty uncomfortable) and Nick says to Danielle L. that "I was more concerned about you guys" meaning, I was more concerned about what you guys WOULD THINK OF ME.  Oh Nick, it's always about you, isn't it?  Nick has a good chat with Raven (whose style keeps getting better) and Hailey (who he toasts marshmallows with) before Corinne whisks him away for a surprise that requires her to dress up as Inspector Gadget.  That surprise is, essentially, 2 pillows and a can of Reddi Whip on the front driveway, where she tries to impress him with her use of whipped cream (holy 9th grade rec room action, gang!) but mostly succeeds in creeping him out.  In a voice over, we hear Nick saying that he's a bit gun shy about sexy stuff in light of DoulaGate, so when Jasmine G. interrupts Nick and Corinne in their poor man's Varsity Blues situation, he's eager to bounce.

This prompts Corinne to scramble back into the house and WEEP, which, I gotta admit, is an even more pleasurable thing to watch than when she's simply jealous and disappointed.  Post-sob fest, Corinne crawls into bed with her rose and sleeps through the rose ceremony.

YES--CORINNE SKIPPED THE ROSE CEREMONY to sleep in a trenchcoat with a flower and got away with it.  Somebody cue up mama's favorite Chris Harrison ditty: THAT IS UNPRECEDENTED!! Is there no rule of law in the Bachelor Mansion!? Come on! I want some RULES in this house!!!

Nick realizes that Corinne's not there, but continues with the rose anyway because sometimes, the show must go on, and, annoying as she may be, she's a "hot" (to some) 24 year-old who is throwing herself at him, and most guys can't say no to that.

Corinne and Danielle M. already have roses, then he gives them out to:

-Astrid (maroon dress and cool necklace. She seems a lil boring, but has good style)
-Taylor (COOL black dress with neat cut outs and a stylish braid hairdo)
-Whitney (highly forgettable brunette in a gold dress)
-Kristina (Eastern Euro adoptee, seems sweet but maybe not the most playful? Cute dress though)
-Danielle L. (looking gorgeous in a red dress, great make-up)
-Rachel (first impression rose gal looking good in a sparkly grey dress)
-Vanessa (amazing, light, flowy dress; killer make-up; yes yes yes)
-Raven (light, lacey dress that contrasts nicely against her dark hair and tan skin)
-Jaimie (red dress, curly blonde hair, seems like a cool customer)
-Dominique (loving her retro hairstyle and pink/black dress)
-Sarah (always smiley, blue patterned dress, very cute)
-Alexis (Dolphin girl keeps on swimming! Nice red dress, great sense of humor)
-Brittney (does nothing for me, black dress, am I a monster?)
-Josephine (her hair and make-up are looking spectacular, fantastic dress)

So hitching a ride on JetBlue flight 6969 back to Loserville, Population: YOU are Hailey (who was straight up NOT wearing enough clothing), Lacey (blonde NYC gal who I was pulling for, but anyone who can get along with Corinne that well is probably a nightmare), and Elizabeth (was always pretty snooze-worthy, but cute yellow dress for the exit).

The next day we kick off another week with 18 ladies and Nick. Chris Harrison informs the women that this week, the producers have outdone themselves with the date activities.  And he's not kidding.
The group date card arrives and Danielle L., Christen (a girl who knows and loves volume at the crown as much as I do), Kristina, Whitney, Taylor, Jasmine G., and Corinne quickly learn that they will be spending a day with the Backstreet Boys and serving as their backup dancers for a concert that night.  Danielle L. and Jasmine G. are fired up because they are both great dancers, while Corinne is anxious because she's a terrible dancer AND has no short term memory (ha--I'm sorry--that killed me).

During the day of dancing with married men who call themselves "Boys," Corinne absolutely unravels, saying that she feels uncomfortable, self-conscious, and jealous.  Oh how the mighty have fallen!  Before you know it, 500 randoms are assembled in a dark airplane hanger, the Boys are singing, and Nick & his Ladies take the stage for some live dancing.  Everybody seems to do well (minus Corinne) but Danielle L. impresses the Backstreet Bois the most, so she wins a slow dance with Nick (onstage--so awkward) while the Boys sing an a cappella version of "I Want It That Way."  Danielle L. and Nick make out while slow dancing and Corinne has a psychotic break upon witnessing this, which the Bach editors play up with echo sounds and a few fuzzy camera shots--amazing cinematography.

That night at the after party (which, sadly, the Backstreet Boys did NOT attend) before the crew can have a sip of a drink post-cheers, Corinne jumps on Nick and takes him aside.  The "slit" up the side of her periwinkle Forever 21 dress is more of a giant chunk that is missing, but I suppose it's a step up from a Carmen Sandiego trench coat. Once they are alone she explains to Nick that she has trouble with "planned dancing" (she means choreography but that word has 5 syllables, so it's too complex), she apologizes for sleeping through the last rose ceremony ("I slept through my rose ceremony alarm.... err... the dog ate my... rose?") and says that she doesn't need to talk to the other girls because that's all fine (then we cut to a montage of the other girls calling her rude, disrespectful, entitled).  Now that Corinne feels confident again, she lays down her head for a long winter's nap just like in the ole St. Nick poem.

Nick and Danielle L. play grab ass and talk, then later all of the ladies assemble to hear an assortment of Corinne's verbal diarrhea (not to be confused with vomit WHICH IS COMING RIGHT UP, Bachelor Nation!): she wants a tiny bobby job, she has a "nanny" named Raquel who is the only person who can properly make her "cheesy pasta" (ya mean mac and cheese? ravioli? Good Lord the public school system failed you---or maybe your parents did?), she doesn't make her own bed or wash her own clothes, she is a job creator and so Raquel should appreciate her.  Jasmine G. has had enough so she makes a "talk to the hand" gesture and walks off to the bathroom to engage in America's favorite pastime: talking shit.  I love it and I love Jasmine.

Finally, Nick joins the ladies and hands gives the date rose to Danielle L. Halleluiah!  Also, am I the only one who is truly disgusted by Corinne's helplessness?  It's not a good look, Florida.

The next day is a 1:1 date with Vanessa (gorgeous Mother Theresa Canadian brunette) and the couple suits up in mechanic-style bodysuits, hops on a Zero G plane, and goes up then down then up so that they experience total weightlessness.  Nick and Vanessa enjoy floating and kicking and kissing while swirling around sans gravity, but soon they are "back to reality" when Vanessa starts vomiting. Oh man. This made me laugh SO hard.  What a nightmare.  Vanessa handled it with aplomb, though, and Nick, to his credit, was very chill about the whole thing.  Hey, sometimes your body just isn't ready to float like an astronaut so you boot, rally, pop some gum in your mouth, and keep on kissing!

Fear not, Vanessa--Nick gets this response from a LOT
of women when he tries to cuddle with them.

That night then enjoy a lovely "dinner" (drinks--notice that Vanessa had a glass or water--poor girl was probsies still dehydrated from all that PUKING) at the tallest building in LA (what, 8 floors up or so?) and talk about dead relatives, family, and flowers, which literally brings Nick to tears. Vanessa very astutely asks Nick why the heck he would do this AGAIN, when he has been through it all so many times?  He says he's still optimistic and gives her the rose, then they kiss and canoodle.  Very cute.  Ya see, Corinne, THAT is how it's done!

The next day is a track and field group date for Rachel (first date rose, has been stuck at house since then), Alexis (BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S #1 FAN I BET), Astrid (I'm sorry, but she's a snooze-a-thon to me), Jaimie (seems spunky), Sarah (smiley), Brittany (zzzz wake me up with she gets sent away), Dominique (FINALLY! She has been stuck at the house all this time and, as she said, that isn't date, that's just WAITING! Haaaay!).

The ladies dress up like an ad for Kate Hudson's new activewear line (that has been the subject of some controversy because the bums on those yoga pants are showing butt!!!) and meet Nick on a track, where 3 former U.S. Olympic Athletes inform them that today's date is a Nick-ath-alon.  There will be a long jump, a javelin throw, and a high jump (which, I gotta admit, I was pretty OK at during my middle school track days--mostly just an excuse to hang out at the track watch super cool high schoolers).  Dominique gets into her head, Alexis and Rachel dominate, and Astrid wears a bra without enough support.

Finally, the Olympians declare that Rachel, Alexis, and Astrid will go on to the final round: a 100 yard dash to a giant faux blood diamond which one women must grab, then run to the a hot tub that has been set up ON the track (love it) for some alone time with Nick.

Rachel gets to the ring first, but is running so fast that she knocks it off.  Alexis is right behind her, but can't get the ring in time, so 3rd place Astrid is able to snap up part of it (while Rachel mistakenly steps on the other part).  Inexplicably, this bizarro dash ends with Astrid STILL IN HER YOGA PANTS, in the hot tun with Nick.  Holy yeast infection, ladies!!  Dominique feels defeated.

That night the after party, Dominique continues to spiral and, bless those gals, the other ladies offer her advice, encouragement, and support.  Nick chats with each woman an when he gets to Dominique, she LAUNCHES into some obviously prepared remarks that are pretty jarring and aggressive.  I can see how Nick may have felt a bit stunned by all of it and his response to her litany of issues is to simply say that he needs to follow his gut and send her home.  I feel that.  Sometimes too much drama and hurt feelings THAT early is a bad indicator of what could be to come.  Dominique gives Nick a tearful hug goodbye, Rachel gets the date rose (2nd rose outside a rose ceremony!), and the ladies head back to the mansion.

The next day is a POOL PARTY (which is probably pretty anti-climactic when it's the pool that you sit by all day because you are effectively a concubine): 17 girls, 1 Nick, and 1 bouncy castle.  Lordy Lordy.  Raven's yellow bikini is killer, Alexis looks awesome and cracks me up, and Corinne is busy contouring upstairs while saying that the other women seem desperate. Ha! Good one, bro.

Mid-party, Corinne calls Nick to the driveway where she has a pink bounce castle for them to jump in and a pair of thighs for her to wrap around his crank.  Stay classy, Florida.  The other woman witness this display, are all pretty offended by it, and they join forces to each bring it up to Nick individually. Way to go, ladies!!  While Corinne slumbers away (yes, she goes to sleep AGAIN as the party continues), Raven warns Nick that he's making a huge mistake and that Corinne is a helpless child, Jasmine G. and Taylor both confront him about the signals he is sending to the other women, and Vanessa drops the hammer with the line, "I question what your intentions are... I'm not judging Corinne, I'm judging YOUR actions."  YES YES YES!!!

In a house rivalry that takes me back to Jake Pavelka's season when it was Vienna vs. Everybody Who Didn't Suck, right now the house is divided between Corinne vs. Functional Adults Who Know How to Cook Their Own Cheese Pasta and Chop Up Cucumbers.

From the preview, it looks like next week it will come down to Taylor vs. Corinne and you know what that usually means: a 2-on-1 date where SHIT GOES DOWN! I can't wait!

Lovely readers, are you doing Bachelor brackets? How are those going? What do you think of the season? Favorite ladies?

If you prefer listening over reading, be sure to subscribe to THE FANTASY SUITE, the amazing podcast that my wonderful friend Dava Krause and I record immediately after each episode. Check that out here: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-fantasy-suite/id1072808624?mt=2