I am SUPER late with this recap of whatever-the-heck we saw on Monday 2/27. That evening I was flying back from Puerto Rico where I went on my yearly Adult Spring Break trip. First off, if you want a lovely place to visit that FEELS like an international trip with doesn't involve changing currency or toting a passport, I highly recommend Puerto Rico! My pal Chelsea and I stayed at the El San Juan
which was featured in The Bachelor! How much of a Bachelor psychopath am I? The lady who checked us in appreciated that
I knew that tidbit. It's pretty pathetic to admit, but so much of what
I know about geography is thanks to The Bachelor. I don’t think I would have
known what Vieques WAS, if they hadn’t gone there on an episode (was that during Juan Pablo's season?). We went into Old San Juan one evening and I
was wishing that I was on a daytime date—trying on hats, popping into bars—my own
little Bachelor day!
OK so I finally watched Monday's episode and what a strange situation--a single hour and we get a visit from Andi, a rose ceremony, and then a detailed sexual history of Raven. So weird!
We start off with Andi "surprising" Nick (I couldn't tell if he was totally unsurprised or just low energy) with a visit to his Brooklyn hotel and trying to act like she has something important to say ("we'll need whiskey for this conversation") when she really doesn't. It's a cute conversation between exes and, of course, Andi mentions Nick's cringe-worthy question "why did you make love with me if you didn't love me?" because she LOVES trotting that one out and feeling like SHE was somehow done wrong by Nick. Girl, YOU dumped HIM so I'm sorry, but he gets to play the victim card here. Her hair looks amazing and her outfit is fantastic--no surprise. I always love her style and I'll admit that her Instagram is pretty cute--lots of fashion shots of her in the street in the West Village and I can dig it. Andi gives Nick what she calls a "feminist rant" (encouraging him to have sex w/ the ladies if he wants to), but I don't think a feminist rant about not feeling ashamed of ones sexuality needs to be directed at a DUDE, ya know? Society isn't punishing DUDES for being sexually active--it encourages that as a sign of machismo. But I digress. Andi leaves Nick with a strange mantra: be kind, have fun, and most importantly, fall in love, which sounds like it came off of a series of Bachelor themed greeting cards (wait--great business idea?) or maybe is something that lifelong Bachelor producers have tattooed on their bums.
Before we know it, Nick is looking SHARP in an all black suite (black tie, black shirt, black suit--GREAT look) and the ladies are waiting and freezing. Who gets roses and thus a 1 way ticket to SexyTown, USA, population: Nick and you?
-Raven: first rose! Raven's rocking some perfect bronzer and a dark lip, plus a sparkly black dress and black jacket with some type of red details. Great look and I've been a Raven fan since the start.
-Rachel: sporting a super flatting green, one shoulder dress with a grey jacket over. I adore Rachel and she definitely feels strongly for Nick at this point, but it is SO ODD to watch this play out and know that he sends her home soon! I'm sure the producers HAD to reveal that she's the next Bachelorette (probably threats of a leak from inside the Bachelor camp), but still, WTF?
-Vanessa: looking gorgeous in a grayish/tan-ish flowy dress with an interesting neckline, sparkly earrings, and fierce leather jacket.
So, at long last, Corinne and her platinum vagine are going back to Florida so that she can eat cheesy pasta made by Raquel and "run" her parents' "multi-million dollar company." I'll admit that I never thought Corinne would make it this far. I thought she'd be comparable to Tierra and burn out within 5 episodes or so. Before she leaves, let's discuss her outfit: she rocks a fuzzy, ombre jacket (from Bebe I think I read online) over a VERY revealing black dress that's low cut on the breasts and ALSO cut up BOTH legs. So basically, sparkly fabric strips worn on a vern chilly, very windy Brooklyn night.
Upon hearing that Vanessa is getting the final rose, Corinne sorta smiles, then bursts into tears but I felt like it was an act. Am I too cynical? What did you think? Her entire exit just felt very carefully choreographed by her in order to make her look good. Perhaps she was jockeying to be the next Bachelorette? It just all felt too deliberate. I mean, she and Nick start walking out down the stairs and she stops him mid-stairway and says that she's sorry if she ever did anything to make him upset. HUH? Girl, that makes no sense and you know it doesn't! But she is doing a SUPERB job of making herself seem sympathetic on the way out. She hops in the limo and rants about how she will NEVER AGAIN "kiss up" to a man, which was a weird thought on your way out of a dating COMPETITION show, but whatever. Her exit made me wonder if she was ever really into NICK or mores just into winning and pissing off Taylor.
Next the gang is all heading to Finland for fantasy suite dates in the frozen tundra! Peel off those long johns and let's do the nasty! Raven gets the first fantasy suite date and bless her Razorback heart, she is VERY candid about the fact that she has only "had sex with" (love that she doesn't use corny euphemisms) one person and he did NOT make her orgasm. She seems pretty surprised that her ex never made her orgasm and it's positively charming. Girl, plenty of guys 1. don't know how to make a woman cum; and 2. don't care. Oh gosh how much of a sad veteran living in the land of Bad Lays do I sound like? My point is this: Raven, sometimes you gotta take care of YOU. Plant your own garden, so to speak. And it's quite a bit of pressure to the fantasy suite situation to be like, "OK Nick let's be alone without cameras for the first time, let's hump it down, AND you'd better make me cum. Here we go!"
Nick and Raven have a sweet daytime date of drinking, cuddling, and losing at darts before they retire to their Hump Cottage. But wait--first they have dinner and Raven gives a pretty beautiful little monologue that ends with her saying "I do love you" to Nick. I loved her off-the-shoulder red top but ALSO I loved what her father has always prayed for her: that she would have an easy love. I can mock reality TV dating shows with the best of 'em but that "easy love" line really struck me. It also made me realize that this guy who I've been pining after for 2 years off and on is absolutely NOT an easy love, so I should walk away and also maybe I should start praying--hell, it's gotta be more powerful than staying on Tinder.
Nick says that he likes women with big personality and an edge and describes Raven as the perfect combination of salty and sweet, which makes her sound like kettle corn and I LOVE THAT STUFF! They discuss ironing versus steaming (I'm Team Iron 100%, sorry Raven) and other such issues that they probably discuss in those Pre-Cana classes. Then they're off to the Sex Chamber and the bed is set up beneath a bunch of windows so that they can see the Northern Lights from their bed, so maybe Reverse Cowgirl or Doggystyle? Wow this recap has become one of my most crass ones! Sorry/you're welcome!
And that was that--what a STRANGE episode! Next week ABC serves up three hours of Bachelor and I already feel like I'm overdosing. First we'll see the other 2 fantasy suite dates and a rose ceremony (will he send Rachel home?) THEN we'll experience everybody's favorite episode, the women tell all! Taylor and Corinne will face off and I'll bet $100 that Taylor mentions "emotional intelligence" again. After the 3 hour onslaught, my Fantasy Suite podcast co-host Dava and I will record a super sized episode, so stay tuned for that and catch up on this season here.