Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Bachelor Nick V. Episode 7: CAN HE EVEN DO IT ANYMORE?

As ever, I'm late with my recap.  Sorry, Bachelor heads. Things have been bananas lately!

OK so Monday night's episode kicked off with Nick and the 6 remaining ladies still in St. Thomas, fresh off the departure of 3 women. There is tension in paradise and Nick can't stop crying.  He chats with his spiritual advisor, Chris Harrison, and says, "I don't know if I can keep doing this." Oh man yeah--what a heartbreaking decision--do you have the strength to keep traveling all over the world for free and having producers plan fantastical dates for you with a harem of knockouts??? CAN YOU DO IT, BRO??? DO YOU HAVE THE FORTITUDE??

He plays up this manufactured drama because the producers need something more to happen in the story and he even emotionally manipulates the women!  This guy can do it all!  Nick goes to their hotel room and addresses the gathered women, giving a tearful monologue about how he has been confident in his romantic choices before and he has had the rug pulled out from under him. The ladies cuddle each other (they are VERY physical with one another which is sweet, but feels a bit forced to me) and stare at him with sympathetic eyes as he subtly insinuates that maybe none of THEM are right and he's worried about it.  The whole thing feels like when a standup comedian berates a small audience for not being more people. Just when we think all hope is lost and Nick simply CANNOT cruise around on ANY more yachts, he does a metaphorical U turn and reveals that WAIT--he is excited about YOU all, ladies!! You six give him faith!  No like those other bitches! Wheeeee!! I love drama!

They scrap the rose ceremony and hop on a death trap sea plan bound for Bimini, the northernmost island in the Bahamas (other than Bermuda, but is Bermuda considered a Bahamanian island with how far up it is? I'm going there in August and I can't WAIT. Just me, my sister, her husband and kids, my parents, and old Aunt Selena FLYING SOLO because dating in NYC is a daily hell and I literally gave up two months ago).

They land in Bimini and Vanessa scores the first 1:1 date, so she dresses up in her red bikini with metallic accents (great choice) and dumpy romper (WHY WHY WHY?) to meet Nick on a yacht. Vanessa reveals that has never been on a boat before which STUNNED me, but perhaps that's because I grew up not far from the ocean? They sit on the boat and talk, do some snorkeling in a shipwreck, make out underwater, and then clean up for dinner.  Vanessa rocks a grey-ish dress with interesting cut-outs (too many cut outs, though?) and Nick wears a snug, white henley shirt (kid has been working his pecs) and she confesses that she's falling in love with him but he doesn't give her much back. Ouch. Corinne claims that Vanessa doesn't have much personality and I hate to agree with her, but I think she may be right.

Up next is a group date for Corinne, Kristina, and Raven and the activity of the day is drinking, swimming with sharks (LITERALLY), and tangling your hair.  Corinne has been on a bigger boat than this, she reminds us, then strips down and presents herself to Nick (barf). Kristina seems to dominate the date (foreshadowing) and Corinne loses confidence (delightful), but Raven is the big winner in that she scores the date rose and will definitely be taking Nick to Hoxie, Arkansas. I have been a Raven fan since the start and I'm so psyched for her! I also LOVE her baby pink lip--great choice.

GO RAVEN(s)!

That night at the "afterparty" (for 4 people, 3 of whom are trying to date 1) Kristina is very pragmatic ("listen, you can't keep us all"), Raven seems to forget that female relatives exist (speaking only about how her "daddy" or brother might be skeptical of Nick), and Corinne can barely keep her eyes open as she rambles and repeatedly refers to herself in the third person.  After Raven wins the rose, she and Nick walk over to a private concert (of some dweebus named Adam Friedman whose entire performance gave me dumb chills--especially the part when he and his band mates jumped up and down) where they dance and kiss.

The next day blonde Danielle gets a 1:1 date and I'm sure that Nick is hoping she somehow found a personality in the last few weeks, alas NO.  Danielle rocks some TINY jean shorts and the cruise around on bikes, eat, drink, shop--a cute date overall.  They dance on the beach (SO AWKWARD) and then sip beers and engage in stilted conversation about their shared home state. Nick puts it tactfully as if Danielle is part robot, saying, "we seem to be struggling having a natural conversation" and it's hard to watch. That night Danielle rocks a red romper (again--I just don't think that rompers are flatting in the stomach/butt area on ANYONE yet this season has been all rompers, all the time) and cute gold jewelry, but the damage is done and despite the fact that she's "fun to have fun with" (Nick's own words), he sends her back to Wisconsin.  She goes back to the house, tearfully packs her bags, and says goodbye to the rest of the girl gang.

Corinne is continuing to spiral and thinks that it's a good idea for her to put on HER OWN romper (STOP STOP STOP), high heeled shoes that she can hardly walk in, and surprise Nick at his hotel with her "sex charm."  This is when we get her most gloriously awful quote of the season: "My heart is gold, but my vagine is platinum" but sadly, Nick doesn't get to experience that platinum "vagine," as he pumps the brakes when she tries to initiate sexy times.  Oof.  Corinne handles it with ZERO GRACE and walks off like a 5 year-old who got into mommy's shoe closet.

ZERO GRACE
Up next is Rachel with the final 1:1 date before Hometowns, which she poetically explains is quite fitting since she got the first impression rose and now she gets the last date.  She rocks a hot, black, crop top and a flowy skirt with shorts built in (island attire perfection) for a daytime date of walking and drinking in a local bar (my kind of date!).  Rachel talks about her family and says she's a daddy's girl and has never brought home a white guy before, so this will be a first.  We know that Nick and Rachel DO NOT end up together, though, as she is slated to be THE NEXT BACHELORETTE!! I am SUPER fired up for that, but confused about the timing of the announcement.  Was there a leak, perhaps?  Who knows.  They have a great, quick date and Rachel goes back to the house floating on air as Corinne continues to unravel.

That afternoon Chris Harrison and Nick have a heart to heart and Nick knows which lady he wants to send home and doesn't want to wait for a rose ceremony.  Go for it, man.  He heads over to the ladies' house and all of Bachelor Nation says a silent prayer that he will call for Corinne and send her back to Florida, but no, he inquires about Kristina.  Oh girl.  Nick retrieves her from a bedroom and walks her outside by the hand and she must know by now, right?  Perhaps not, as she seems STUNNED (and ANGRY) as Nick launches into a diatribe that starts, "you're someone... from the moment I met you.." and ends as you'd expect it to.  Kristina is ANGRY immediately and says he never gave her a chance, but girl, the heart wants what it wants.  As some random asshole said to Desiree when she dumped him on the beach, you can't be ANGRY at someone for not loving you. Kristina and Nick have a somber hug goodbye and she heads inside to pack and double over in tears.

Somehow, through all of this, Corinne is STILL FREAKING OUT because she's the second biggest narcissist in the world (Trump is #1 obvi) or MAYBE it's because she knows the camera will stay on her if she continues to freak out.  Either way, girl, take a deep breath and calm down.

Next week we have a surprise woman showing up at Nick's door (my money's on Andi--that hair) and the proposal will take place on the goddamn arctic tundra!  I'll be back on my podcast as normal and recapping here!  Talk soon! xoxo

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