FRANZ!
On Monday
June 19th we FINALLY got to watch episode 4 of Rachel’s season as
The Bachelorette and it felt like we had been waiting forever! Perhaps because we DID wait two weeks for a
fresh batch of Bach (incidentally, that’s also the name of Michelle Collins’
new podcast).
And,
while we’re talking podcasts, please note that I didn’t record an episode of TheFantasy Suite this week, though Dava recorded with a guest host.
I’ve been a bit slammed lately and not sleeping well and I fear I am
spreading myself too thin with both these recaps AND the podcast, but the point
is, I was in bed by 10:10 last night because I was so overtired.
And, as I’m
sure every resident of Bachelor Nation knows, during the past week there has
been MAJOR CONTROVERSY (and we’re talking REAL controversy, not the faux drama
that is ginned up by Bachelor producers every season) because of what happened
on DAY ONE of filming “Bachelor In Paradise” and the subsequent cancellation of
the season. Wooooa. I’ll get into that in another recap
(probably) but my quick two cents—Bachelor In Paradise is a show that REVOLVES
around drinking and hooking up, so while I have sympathy for everyone involved
and the whole thing sounds quite spooky, I’m honestly surprised that something
like this hasn’t happened before.
BUT WE
MUST TALK ABOUT RACHEL AND THE BOYZ!!!
OK, so
The Bachelorette producers give us a quick montage to refresh our memories—Lee sucks,
Eric is feeling insecure and angry (but that’s his right and I’m on his side),
we left off mid-cocktail party.
Eric and
Josiah are justifiably angry at weasel-y Lee (who has a WHOLE lotta confidence
for a guy that average in looks and below average in height). Lee has a Masters Degree in Being Patronizing
and laughs at both men as they get heated.
Eric utters a phrase that has become my personal mantra in the past few
years:
You do
you, Imma do me.
YESSSS!!
Eric is completely right—this isn’t about ERIC somehow being consumed by Lee’s
antics or Lee and Rachel’s connection (because I truly don’t think there is
one)—this is about Lee gaslighting the hell out of Eric and attempting to
manipulate him (and other members of the house, as we see later). Lee says
“I didn’t sign up for this to come here to make friends” which is like a dumbed
down remix of the reality TV dating show mantra, “I didn’t come here to make
friends.”
Kenny and
Rachel are chatting about wrestling (note to Kenny: EXPAND your conversations
topics, dude) and Lee interrupts them, responding to Kenny’s request for 60
seconds with an offer of 16 seconds. That’s not how bargaining works, Tiny
Racist.
We see
clips of the other guys in the house talking about Lee and Dean wins my heart
(a surprising move because I normally HATE pretty boys) with the line, “I just
think Lee’s kind of… a bitch?” The male
model and that Jack Stone guy (who is DEAD WEIGHT around here) argue over the correct
pronunciation of “quirks” (it’s not pronounced like the fundamental constituent
of matter, you dummies) as Dean very tractfully says that Lee “messes with guys
he’s not used to seeing on a daily basis” (BLACK MEN).
Meanwhile,
Lee trots out a story about how his grandfather died of cancer but here is
grandpop’s knife (shocked that made it past the TSA on your flight from
Nashville to LA, but maybe you stored it in your pompadour?) and he used that
knife to carve a dumb word into a block of wood. Good Lord where did Lee learn
his flirting techniques—Camp Brookwoods for Adolesent Boys?
Rachel
and Bryan canoodle on the front steps (how killer was her sparkly, gunmetal
eyeshadow? And those lashes! I love her style so much) then she retreats to the
“candle room” to talk to that firefighter with a misshapen face (Bryce) as
Kenny and Lee had a bit of a screaming fight in the backyard. Lee did his standard moves (acts
flabbergasted, refuses to take ANY responsibility for being a f-ing weasel, laughs
at the earnest expressions of emotion of his supposed friends) and Kenny got
really frustrated with him (understandably so, but also, you CANNOT let this
guy play you, Kenny!).
In a solo
interview just after all that, Rachel started crying and expressing how much
pressure she is under as the first black bachelorette. I can’t even imagine. If Rachel sends too many black men home, she’s
being disloyal. If she sends too many
white or Asian men home, she’s not giving them a chance. She also has the pressure
of being a stereotypically STRONG, black woman AND her entire family had better
be absolutely PERFECT because they WILL be held to a higher standard. It’s why the Obama’s had to be fucking
inspiring EVERY DAMN DAY and why the Trump’s can be sloppy and dysfunctional. It sucks.
Bachelor
Nation’s savior, Chris Harrison, appears at Rachel’s side and says that he can
facilitate anything—just tell me what you need.
Oh Chris—can you facilitate being MY best friend forever?
What she
needs is to send some tools packing, so it’s rose ceremony time.
The dudes
line up and GOODNESS GRACIOUS did anyone else notice that Alex (aka Hot Commie)
is wearing dark purple animal print suit!? What is this, Las Vegas? I like individuality but that’s just too
close to Pimp Wear to be acceptable.
Rachel looks gorgeous (beige-ish, sparkly gown, sleeveless to show off
her killer arms, hair down with a side part).
Alex (white guy who is the star of Outfit Nightmares), Eric (black guy
who I nicknamed Tan Suit, though he’s not in a tan suit this rose ceremony),
and Anthony (black guy who is JACKED and niiiiice) all have roses already. Who is safe this week?
-Will
(black guy in a light blue-ish suit, looking very good, also playing it cool—wise
man)
-Dean
(white guy who I used to HATE and call “Teeth” but now I LOVE because he is a
straight shooter like how John McCain used to be AND ALSO Dean’s rocking a very
unique pattered shirt, which I dig)
-Jonathan
(white guy Cuddle Monster in a striped tie—snooze)
-Peter
(white guy w/ the gap teeth and sorta salt and pepper hair—looking good)
-Adam
(white guy, navy suit, he’s hot but has yet to show ANY personality)
-Bryan
(white guy chiropractor who is CONNECTING with Rachel and it scares her)
-Matt
(white guy from CT who truly looks like a young Burt Reynolds)
-Josiah
(black guy, lawyer, dark suite, sweet smile)
-Jack (I
dig the dark suit, no tie look, but this dude is just a lil corny)
-Iggy
(Asian guy, dark suit, not tie. Iggy’s hot, but a gossip)
-Kenny
(looking good in his purple shirt and striped tie)
THE FINAL
ROSE GOES TO….
-Lee
(short, not very hot, seemingly racist, singer/songwriter from Nashville. NO
THANK YOU!)
So who is
heading home?
-Bryce –
the white dude firefighter with the somewhat strange face shape (I feel bad
kicking him while he’s down now… but google him and tell me that face isn’t
Silly Putty-esque)
-White
Dude Male Model whose name I can’t be bothered to look up – it’s “QUIRKS,” you
idiot.
-Diggy –
the super stylish, handsome, bespecled black man from Chicago who I LOVED, alas
perhaps he didn’t come on strong enough for Rachel? I hope you can turn this appearance into some
sweet free drinks all over Chi-Town, Diggy!!
Rachel is
ready to leave the drama behind because they are all hopping a plane and
heading to Hilton Head, South Carolina!!
The boys
stay at a resort and do the requisite jumping on bed of new resort, screaming main
character’s name as a group off a patio.
Dean gets
the first 1:1 which is a ride in a Jeep Wrangler to a field where they will
drink on the Wrangler’s hood then hop on a blimp for more drinking and
cuddling. Dean is freaked out by the blimp
part of the date because he’s afraid of heights (of course he is—THAT is
exactly why this date involves heights. I swear, if I ever were to submit a
profile to be on this show, I’d say that my greatest fear is doing standup
comedy in hopes that they’d force me to do it and I’d feign fear over it then I
would frigging CRUSH the room).
Rachel and
Dean have a fun afternoon, then over a candel-lit dinner beneath a beautifully
lit tree, they talk about life, family, tragedy. Rachel looks casual and sexy in tight, black
pants, heels and a white blouse with black detailing. Dean shows off his pecs (as always) in a
tight, grey shirt. Over dinner, Rachel
talks about growing up in a very strict, religious home and Dean echoes that—his
childhood years were all about nature, family, and church. Dean opens up more than he has with any other
woman (or audience of millions of random Americans), telling Rachel the
heartbreaking story of how his mother died of cancer and how, at age 15, he
didn’t quite understand it, and then was essentially left to his own devices
from ages 15-18, as his family sort of fell apart. OOof.
I’ve heard stories like that before—the mom passes and the family falls
apart. So sad. Dean gets a rose and loses the nickname of “Teeth.”
Sorry, bud.
Oh I
almost forgot! Before the night is over, Rachel and Dean walk down a street to
a stage setup where a singer who sounds Top 40, but I’m betting he categorizes
himself as “Country” or even “Country/Crossover,” Russell Dickerson, is ready
to serenade the happy couple as they make out for a few hundred
smartphone-wielding strangers. PEOPLE! Why can’t you simply experience an
experience? Must it always be videotaped? When will you ever watch that tape,
anyway? Can you tell that I was raised
by a father who is militantly anti-videotaping? He loved taking photos (still
does), but never shot videos and I tend to agree with his reasoning—how often
are you going to watch those back? But I
digress.
Back at
the house, dudes are assembling for a group date and the posse is Alex,
Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Lee, Igg, Eric, Will, and
Josiah WHICH MEANS THAT DWEEBUS JACK STONE IS GETTING A 1:1 and literally
MOMENTS before that was announcement, I wrote in my notes, “it’s almost
embarrassing to hear Jack Stone talk about wanting 1:1 time with Rachel.” Welp, against all odds, he’s getting it.
The next
day’s group date is a day on a boat (complete with dance circle, freestyle
rapping, push ups, and Rachel sporting a captain’s hat like she’s Pam Anderson
during her tragic Kid Rock era.
 |
| These two are looking ROUGH. |
 |
| now THAT is how you rock a captain's hat |
 |
| Spotted on Alex: MAN BUN! |
Rachel
has the line of the day, screaming at the guys “if you’re hot, please feel free
to take your shirts off.” They day drink
and get rowdy, then arrive back on land and the guys are forced to participate
in the Bachelor National Spelling Bee, which was a SOLID challenge after a
morning of drinking. The judges are Rachel
and 3 adolescent girls (who are LIBERAL with their use of the bell that
indicates when a contestant has made an error).
The guys do pretty well at first, then drop off quickly and Josiah
emerges the victor, playfully making jokes, asking if he can use words in a
sentence so as to compliment Rachel, and, upon winning the golden cup,
screaming “HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, SUCKAS?”
Josiah is KILLING me—I LOVE playful dudes. Great work, J.
The after
party is where things go off the rails and we hear the SECOND use of the word “disingenuine”
this episode. YES, TWICE—two DIFFERENT guys
meant to use the word “disingenuous” but said “disingenuine” and I can’t help
but think that for 70% of the house, “disingenuous” JUST got introduced to
their vocabulary and they thought they sounded PRETTY darn smart. You did—until you gave that word a little “genuine”
caboose. No dice, boyz.
Rachel
looks beautiful in a black cocktail dress with a filmy overlay and some cut out
flowers on it (that dress is VERY hard to describe but VERY lovely) and the
guys are a big cleaned up. Peter and Rachel
have a flirty conversation in the wine cellar, Eric has bounced back since last
week, and Iggy wastes the little time that he has with Rachel by badmouthing
Josiah. JOSIAH?? HUH? If you’re going to
shit talk anyone, Iggy, shit talk LEE! COME ON!
Josiah? He’s being playful and silly—leave that alone! Eric is right when he refers to Iggy as a “gossip
queen” and Iggy’s very foolish to take this path—he and Rachel have ZERO
relationship and NO chemistry, and he’s serving as just a gossip reporter. Why
are you doing this, dude? Also, please stop painting your gossipy tendencies as
that you are “weirdly defensive” about Rachel. That is NOT what you’re doing. Also, I agree with Eric and
Josiah 100% here—Iggy, it’s not your job to create drama and report to Rachel,
then come back and inform the guys that you just shit talked them. As Eric
said, Iggy, you continue to be in the sauce of the mixing pot—YOU are part of
the problem. And as Josiah said even more beautifully,
“WITH ALL
DUE RESPECT, IGGY’S A BITCH.”
That
quote is absolute perfection.
But wait,
let’s not forget about the even BIGGER asshole in the house, LEE! He and Rachel sit down to talk and she wisely
asks him why she KEEPS hearing his name and why Kenny was screaming at
him. Lee accepts ZERO responsibility, of
course, and claims that Kenny was VERY AGGRESSIVE toward him (ummm you’re both
grown men, are you not) and then calls Kenny a “butthole.” Cool moves, bro.
Later,
Rachel and Kenny chat outside and Kenny performs a sweet freestyle rap in which
he rhymes “journey” with “attorney.” Rachel confronts him about the Lee scene
and Kenny admits that Lee baited him and that he’s ashamed that he let Lee get
him so wound up. Their conversation is disrupted
by another suitor and Kenny feels frustrated that he wasted his precious time with
Rachel discussing Lee and trying to prove that he’s not an aggressive, angry
guy. Ugh.
Kenny
takes that moment of clarity and squanders it, heading back into the super
nautical country club bar and asking Lee if he will come outside for a word on
the patio. This will end badly, but we’ll have to wait until next week to find
out HOW badly.
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