Bachelorette Rachel FINALE! 3 to 1 to 2 (I HATE MATH!)

Pals!

As you probably noticed, my blog reading die-hards, I didn't get around to recapping The Men Tell All.  I'm sorry--last week got away from me because I did a rad show on Monday night then recorded a podcast Tuesday night, then Wednesday night I hit the gym and crawled in bed by 9:00pm like a sleepy dweebus then Thursday I saw a rad bluegrass band down at Coney Island, then the weekend was upon me--yada yada yada.  Also, The Men Tell All episodes can be fun, but I figured this one might just be Lee defending his ignorance/racism/implicit bias and I wasn't in the mood to bother catching up.

ANYHOO.

Last night was the finale and you bet your bottom dollar I tuned in!  This season has been VERY different than previous seasons in many ways (Rachel's family did NOT uproot themselves and fly to paradise to meet 2 guys, her father never appeared on camera, and her nephew has the strangest name I have heard in a long time--Alistair).  So it came as no surprise that Monday night's episode was a bit different than Bachelor Nation is accustomed to. But also, the storyline demanded it.

So we tuned in and our intrepid therapist host, Chris Harrison, was there along with a few dozen screaming women, ready to guide them home.  In a shocking move, who joined him on the live finale studio stage, but RACHEL LINDSEY herself!! Rachel was looking gorgeous in a pinkish/white, tight cocktail dress that enabled her to show major cleavage (more than we saw all season), sexy metallic heels, sparkly hoops, and dark eyes but light lip (great move).  Her hair was curled and she was ready to watch the playback of multiple breakups in a row while an audience watched HER watching her own life.  Wheee! Modern society is completely bonkers!!

We head right back to Rioja, Spain where--if anyone can even remember this--Rachel had her Fantasy Suite date with sweet Eric.  I was always Team Eric, but also, I always knew he probably wouldn't stick the landing.  Sigh.  We left off the next day during her date with Robot Peter and we pickup with them having a heartfelt conversation about the impasse they have reached: Rachel came on the show to find a husband (literally that is the SOLE GOAL of the show) and Peter came on the date to, what, find a GF? Huh? Neither will budge so they use the Fantasy Suite as an opportunity to "discuss things" (wink wink) and perhaps I'm a Fantasy Suite snob, but their setup was pretty underwhelming.  I suppose you can have sweet humps with a short term BF anywhere and it will be fun, but it just seemed like the 'ole Fantasy Suite budget was tight this go-round.  Anybody else?

The next morning they do the 'ole "I woke up like this" and are cutesy with each other as they cook breakfast, sip coffee, and smile, kiss goodbye.

Because Rachel still has a sex date with Bryan!  This Hump Train has a schedule to keep and it's time to GET ON BOARD!!!!

Up next is Bryan and Rachel's date and Rachel waits for him in her best 1990s finery--velvet choker, jeans, plaid shirt tied around her waist, cropped top, and a jean jacket. Goodness it was like walking into a high school dance circa 1994 and I was loving it!  Bryan is wearing a red shirt and jeans (who cares?) and the pair hopped on some horses, then dismounted to drink and discuss his visit to Dallas, which felt like a MILLION years ago.  Bryan tries his best to act like he thought it went fine and that they were skeptical because this arrangement is new to them, NOT because Bryan's a smooth talking weasel, right?

Rachel isn't quite herself and in interview footage, she admits that Peter really did a number on her mentally. Ugh.  Bryan very gingerly commented on it and said that she seemed a little off, the energy feels different (which is very perceptive of him and surprised me) and Rachel takes this to heart, resets, and re-energizes for Bryan, which really impressed me.

ALSO, during all of this as we cut to commercial, Chris Harrison promotes trailers for a few upcoming fall NBC sitcoms and WOW white men are making adventures HAPPEN in the fall line-up!

But back to Rachel and the rad, 80s style black suit jacket/dress with fringed edging that she wore for "dinner" with Bryan.  She looks great and seems focused on Bryan, so they head to the Fantasy Suite (his response to the date card was admittedly very funny and charming).  The next morning, Rachel and Bryan are lovey-dovey but everybody needs to get home to get cleaned up for the Rose Ceremony!

Rachel roams through the fields of a winery in a BEAUTIFUL red, flowy dress with intricate beading on the sleeves and a flattering waistline as the guys arrive.  Eric is in a scoop neck shirt and dark suit with cool, white sneakers.  Bryan is in a grey suit jacket with black edging that makes him look like he put a grey suit jacket over a black suit jacket, and Peter is looking hot BUT HE IS A ROBOT AND CANNOT EXPERIENCE HUMAN EMOTIONS!! The Scientists who built Peter probably dressed him, so I can't give any credit to Peter directly.

Rachel arrives and says something to all 3 guys that is a direct message to Peter, "I came here to cultivate a relationship that moves toward the common goal of marriage" and all of Bachelor Nation screamed my new tagline directly at Peter, "GOODNIGHT, BIIIIIITCH!"

Alas, it wasn't to be!  Rachel gave roses to....

Bryan then
PETER!!

Poor Eric was sent home.  He handled it with SUCH grace, class, kindness that Rachel joked that se felt like perhaps she had made the wrong decision. Unlike most other guys who parlay this into dates once they are done, I really hope that this experience DOES open up some opportunities for sweet Eric.  He was graceful from start to finish and watching him blossom from anxious dude on night 1 (those SHOULDERS were CRUNCHED UP) to confident, calm suitor on the way out was a treat. Much love to you, Eric.

[Gosh I get too emotional with all of this but these people are REAL PEOPLE and also I'm just sort of weepy lately because you just never know what will happen in life and a friend got a scary diagnosis lately and it makes me so sad and scared. Sorry for this aside. Thank you all for reading my wacko recaps--I genuinely, truly appreciate it. OK let's get back out there and judge some boys, shall we?]

So we're down to Peter the Robot who refuses to budge about his commitment to only proposing ONCE in his life and Bryan the slippery suave Miami boy who has always been 100% into Rachel and I have somehow hated for it, but wait, why is that a bad thing? If it's GENUINE (and that's where I lose faith somewhat) then let it rip.

Bryan and Rachel have a final date up in a hot air balloon (my nightmare) and then they have an evening make-out date during which Bryan presents Rachel with a customized Spanish-English dictionary, but the worse he has "customized" are so boring--just "wife," "husband," "forever." Dude--I thought that perhaps you were going to do something cute or funny!  But no, you're really not capable of that.  Sigh.

The next day Rachel and Peter have their final date and when they're not getting marriage advice from a monk they are still debating the issue of whether or not Peter is capable of proposing.  Man.  Is THIS the hill you want to die on, Peter?  Rachel phrases it SO perfectly, saying that Peter talks about their future together and how he can see it--where they will live, trips they will take, what sized mattress they will buy (seriously), yet he somehow can't take the necessary step to GET THEM THERE.  She's able to perfectly verbalize things that would prompt me to just scream, "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?" and run off searching for the monk to console me.  Also her camo jacket was perfection.

That night, Peter and Rachel talk in circles some more, to no avail.  Rachel feels confused and, as a tough love sister once told me, if you're confused or unsure where you stand with a guy, well, there's your answer.  He's just not that in to you. It's hard to hear, but it's true.

And so it was with Peter--he has CHOSEN to set up a roadblock for himself and obey this strange rule. I know PLENTY of people who have been engaged and called it off.  I know PLENTY of people who have gotten divorces.  Sure, you don't want to walk into reality TV dating stuff with the idea that marriage is a joke, but also, let yourself LIVE, Robot Peter!!  But you can't because you're a robot.

Oh also, let's not forget when Peter dropped a line he will NEVER LIVE DOWN, which is when he encouraged her to essentially, get engaged just to be engaged and "go find someone to have a mediocre life with."

FUCK YOU.

Fuck off.  No.  You do NOT get to try and SCARE Rachel into waiting for you.  That is so manipulative and you know it is, dude.

For as much as I don't really love Bryan, I gotta admit that the Peter vs. Bryan match up really felt like a situation in which the girl decided to FINALLY stop taking emotional bullshit from a guy who she had pined after for SO LONG (I can relate WOW WOW WOW) and decided to instead, go for a guy who is NICE TO HER and OPENLY LOVES HER (spoiler alert) and people now act like she "settled." She didn't settle. There's NOTHING WRONG with accepting the love of a kind, devoted, emotionally available man and fuck you for claiming that by accepting healthy, unconditional love, you are somehow settling.

Hoooo boy!  That got me all riled up! But I think that years of having guys pull bullshit like that on me (just manipulative moves to make you not trust your own judgment and not accept love) have made me able to sniff this out.

Rachel and Peter both agree that they are going to regret this decision but what else can they do? Peter won't budge and Rachel didn't come on this show to just keep dating.  They walk to the elevators.  By this point, Rachel has cried off her fake eyelashes (hilarious) and after some last kisses, she takes the stairs as Peter cries and asks himself, "What is wrong with me?"  We're ALL wondering that, you idiot.  When you let a beautiful, accomplished, successful, funny, easygoing woman with a killer career WALK OUT OF YOUR LIFE, there is something wrong with you.

And when Peter came out to face Rachel, Chris Harrison, and the studio audience, it was TENSE!  It felt like Peter is still processing this and kicking himself for being unwilling to take a chance.  I bet he'll look back on this in a few years and realize what a mistake he made.  I kept waiting for there to be a moment of levity between them, or even a moment of levity FOR HIM, where he admitted that maybe he was too strict with his own weird rules, but it never came.  I really feel bad for him--he'll live to regret this.

But onto the HAPPY ENDING!!!

Rachel gets ready (loved that shot of her supposedly curling her hair when the iron was probably turned off-ha) and Bryan picks out his blood diamond (you know how I feel about diamonds, dear readers) and shows up to the appointed location--a Spanish mountaintop that was SUNNY and beautiful JUST BEFORE Bryan arrived, but turned into a goddamn TWISTER once he got there.  HA!





Bryan arrived in a black suit, white shirt which was classic cool against Rachel's fierce sparkly, beaded, slinky silver dress with SUPER HIGH THIGH SLIT (yazzzz) and sparkly earrings.  Bryan does his monologue, telling her how he liked her from the start, he wants her to be his wife and the mother of his children and he hopes she feels the same.  She demures a bit and then tips her hand, saying that he was too perfect and she was trying to find cracks in the foundation because she's used to difficult relationships, but he's the perfect foundation and that she sees her forever with him.  He JUMPS on her and she has to shout "WAIT" and push him off a bit so that she can tell him that she loves him (that was cute), then they kiss HARD and Bryan gets down on his knee.  Rachel shrieks and is elated, then they make out more as the twister SWIRLS AROUND THEM!!!  GET SOME SHELTER, YOU CRAZY LOVEBIRDS!!

In the studio, Bryan comes out and gets down on one knee in front of Rachel AGAIN, asking her to "re-marry him" (which felt VERY odd but was because she didn't want to wear the ring before and spill the beans).

They're both very happy, but a few of their remarks gave me pause: they haven't decided where they will settle (Miami or Dallas or maybe LA, they say. Yiiiiikes.) Also they don't seem to have given much thought to the future and their shared claims that their respective families LOVE their engagement rung a little hollow to me.

For their sake, I really hope that this is like a Desiree/Chris situation where The Bachelorette was so focused on ONE guy (in Desiree's case that tall Mormon guy who was NOT hot; in Rachel's, Peter) and then he essentially broke her heart so she finally noticed the strong and steady who had been there all along (Chris, Bryan).  I appreciate that Rachel got what she wanted--a man who wants to propose and be married.  Bryan is 37, so hell yeah, he's ready for that, it seems.  I'm psyched for Rachel that she chose the path of love and acceptance and didn't roll the dice with Peter and sacrifice her own needs.

I wish Bryan and Rachel much luck!!  And for their sake, I hope they get out of LA and try something real.

If you want to listen to the lovely Dava Krause and me discuss this finale point by point, take a listen to our podcast The Fantasy Suite here.

Next week Bachelor In Paradise starts and I'll probably live tweet it when I can, but Mama needs her Monday nights back!!

Thank you all for reading this season!  What did you think of the finale!? Who do you think they will select as the next Bachelor??

Bachelorette Rachel Ep 9: Meet The Parents (and sister, aunt, cousin)

FRIENDS!

I am extremely late with EVERYTHING right now.  Things were kookoo bananas last week with my album recording on Wednesday (which went BEAUTIFULLY and I am so proud of the show and the album will be released in September or October and you better believe I'll be badgering you to buy it).  I watched the bizarro episode in which Rachel's final 3 suitors met assorted members of her family in Dallas, which is UNPRECEDENTED in Bach history, but I love that Rachel's family is like, "yeah ummm Papa Lindsay aint flying to some wacko island and also Constance is pregnant so we're going to change things up this year" and they did!!

The final 3 guys (Peter the Human Robot who seems to have NO emotional capabilities whatsoever; Eric the nice guy who I think she should pick but is she HOT for him the way she's hot for the others; and Bryan the frigging slick Willy who is like "within moments of looking at Rachel, I declared her my GF and knew I was in love with her" and I'm like, "CAN WE PLEASE GET REAL AT SOME POINT HERE?" because I have been re-reading too much Dr. Phil lately.

My quick breakdown of the odd Hometown Trio's family meetings:

-Peter looks good and gives a frigging' monologue when he first sits down for lunch with the family.  How his parents met, his first impressions of Rachel, the fact that he was built in a laboratory by a kindly scientist who wants to see if he can build a robot who could eventually FEEL. He sits down with assorted family members and tells Rachle's mother (who DON'T TAKE NO MESS and I love it) that he doesn't want to ask her for permission to propose to Rachel right now, but rather, permission to keep dating her.  HUH???? WHAT IS THAT? THAT IS NOT A THING YOU DO.  One the RARE occasion that I have a boyfriend (shout out to the men of NYC who have disappointed me and stood me up MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE!), that dude isn't calling my parents every so often to get their blessing for us to KEEP DATING.  Blech.  Peter--time to hit the bricks, pal.  Sorry, but at some point in life you MAY want to lead with emotion and your heart.

Also, I really like Constance and I love that name, but what is UP with her son being named Alistair? It sounds like an old timey manservant in Victorian England, not a cute kiddo who loves strips in Dallas!

-Eric is up next and before the family meeting, Rachel and Eric enjoy the view from some brutalist Space Needle wanna-be in Dallas.  Oh man I'd be willing to be that building was built in the 1960s or 70s when every city was like, "isn't poured concrete so great? Brutalism is an architectural style that we'll NEVER regret! Just look at Boston's City Hall Plaza--everybody loves it! Right? Right? Riiiiight?"

The family all really like Eric and they perceive him to be very genuine, candid, which he is.  He talks about his chaotic upbringing and I wonder if Rachel cares about him more as a friend/someone who she respects for what he has endured, more than a romantic partner, ya know?  Eric asked Rachel's mom for permission to propose and she grants it.  He's relieved and I'm hoping Rachel goes with him when all is said and done!

Up next is Miami's smoothest import since Gloria Estefan, BRYAN. Ugh.  Before the family visit, Rachel takes Bryan to a restaurant where they have drinks with her blonde pals on a windy roof.  Rachel admits that at first, she thought Bryan was a "douche bag" (YOUR INSTINCTS WERE RIGHT, RACHEL! TRUST THEM! DR. PHIL WOULD AGREE WITH ME!).  Bryan seems to make a good impression on the blonde gals somehow (ugh) but he does NOT impress the Lindsay family (thank God).  Constance is NOT having his use of the word "love" every other sentence and she tells him as much (YES) and Mama Lindsay likes that Bryan is close with his mother, but dislikes how effusive he is about people he hardly knows.  Overall, Bryan's visit feels like a VERY uncomfortable job interview and Rachel gets defensive on his behalf.  Oh girl--let this slippery snake slip out of your hands and go crack some backs back in Miami.

During that meeting, Rachel says something that reminds me of me: "I'm chill until I'm not." AMEN!! Love that!

After the Dallas family lunches, 3 Men and a Rachel fly to Spain for 3 nights of dates and FANTASY SUITE HUMPS.  We witness Rachel and Eric's final date and sleepover (well, the standard cutaway to fireworks or the light in a window turning off or some other such indicator that "HUMPS ARE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.")  We watch Peter and Rachel's final date is cute (stomping on grapes! drinking wine!) but ends with the two of them seemingly at an impasse because Peter is a robot who cannot make decisions with his heart (he doesn't have one! He runs on a battery that must be recharged--what is a heart?) and Rachel is a fucking adult human who wants to get married, which is why she came on the damn show!

Am I getting too emotional?

This week was The Men Tell All and I'll watch that on Wednesday (after a serious date with the gym) and recap as quickly as I can.  Apologies for the delay, sweet readers!!

Bachelorette Rachel Ep 8: HOMETOWNS

PALZ!

On Monday night a little bird flew into my apartment (for the 2nd time in 3 years which is a whole lotta birds as part-time roommates) so I was home to freak out about that AND to watch Rachel visit four lucky suitor's hometowns!  (Note: the bird ended up in the empty bedroom in my apartment--I'm currently seeking another roommate--where I simply opened the window and the screen, shut the door, and prayed that the bird would find its way out. It did! All is right in the world!)

The episode kicked off with Rachel visiting Eric's hometown of Baltimore, MD. Rachel looked cute in her casual getup of jeans, cute boots, and a white-ish plaid button down while Eric represented Canadian nuptials (that is, a Canadian tuxedo) in a denim-on-denim ensemble.  The pair canoodled at the basketball court and then Eric's hype man, Ralph, showed up to assure Rachel that Eric was a stellar student, scholar, athlete and great friend who managed stay positive despite his chaotic surroundings.  Eric expanded on that to Rachel, saying how his mother was so unemotional and obsessively self-sufficient, that he became very "hard" (I feel like I should up that in quotation marks but also using those makes me feel like a reeeeal suburban dummy) and unwilling to let in romantic love. He said that his friends had never seen him be romantic or touchy-feely with a woman, which I found fascinating--I'm sure that in his younger years he saw that as weak.

Eric and Rachel head over to "Auntie's" apartment (and Auntie is Verna, who, it seems, was a nurturing mother figure to Eric AND SHE RULES, unsurprisingly) with flowers and gifts.  The entire family is assembled---Auntie, Eric's mom, Eric's dad, seemingly other cousins, Ralph--and they all cheer and clap when Rachel and Eric entered the apartment, which warmed my heart.  Verna has a conversation with Rachel and brings up race, which I appreciated.  I love how Rachel has been willing to address that head on but not let it CONSUME her time as The Bachelorette. As she said, her journey shouldn't be any different than the previous 12 bachelorettes, though she admitted that she feels a lot of pressure to do right by the black community AND everybody else.  That's a lot of pressure.

The crew enjoys a lovely lunch with heartfelt toasts and sweet conversations.  Assorted family members were more than willing to have some pretty HEAVY conversations (Eric and his dad, Eric and his mom).  Eric and his mother's conversations was VERY revealing and it made me want to hug Kiddo Eric.  She claimed that she was distant and not there for him very much ON PURPOSE to toughen him up.  Ooof.  That seems like some unnecessary tough love.  Unsurprisingly, one of her first questions to Eric was asking him if he was ready to get dumped/OK with getting dumped.  Thanks for the vote of confidence, mom!

Rachel says goodbye to the family and to Eric, then heads to south to....

MIAMI, FL!

Wowie Zowie that intro to Miami was straight outta Miami Vice--the music, the graphics.  Rachel is looking great in a cute, flowy blouse and a GIANT umbrella (the kind that actually protect your hair--I have one of those umbrellas!) and Bryan rocks a red sorta ombre shirt that fades into grey, plus grey pants and it was too much grey.  She RUNS to him and he lifts her up, then she STRADDLES him which is a first this season and worries me.  They play dominoes with some local guys who are in fedoras (a look that is ONLY acceptable if you're a Floridian-Cuban retiree--NOT if you're a Brooklyn hipster--got that?) then walk to Calle Ocho and eat some local goodies.  They try to dance in a cigar rolling place and smash heads (ha!), then limp to the back patio to go over the family names.  Bryan ays that his father is softspoken and charming and his mother is supposedly the opposite (heh).  He describes her as a "fireball, ball of energy, sensitive" and WOW that sounds like a recipe for a person who pushes around and mistreats other people, but gets really upset when you say "hey, please stop mistreating me." This is going to be FUN!! We can only wonder why Bryan's ex-GF RAN SCREAMING from this family!  Before they hit the road, Bryan says "I just want to continue to make you smile--it's something I'm kind of obsessed with" and I OFFICIALLY HATE THIS GUY.  Blech.  These are just LINES and they feel so disingenuous!!

Rachel and Bryan arrive at the family home with flowers, gifts and are greeted by Bryan's mom, dad, sister (I think?) and other people?  Who cares--BRYAN IS HOME!!! Bryan's mom, Olga, immediately proposes a toast to Bryan, "the most precious thing I have in my life." Hoo boy, Olga, do you know that your husband and your other child can hear that??? Do you realize that?  Oh, you do and you only care about SONS because daughters are worthless and also, your own partner doesn't deserve your respect?  Cool, cool.   Also, now I can see why Bryan is SO FRIGGING CONFIDENT.  His mother has convinced him that he's a goddamn angel. As she gives this toast, she starts crying then chugs the drink for a while.  Move over, Jojo's mom chugging out of the champagne bottle--there's a new boozin' mama in town and it's Bryan's mom throwing back a shot!

This season, the role of "Jojo's Mother" will be played by "Bryan's Mother."

During the course of the visit, Olga says "my son is my life," and literally says to Rachel, "if he's happy, I'm happy--if not, I'll kill you," later calls Bryan "the love of my life." NO PRESSURE, RACH. JUST DO NOT GET IN THE WAY OF A MOTHER'S BURNING HOT LOVE FOR HER ONLY GODDAMN SON!!!  If I were Rachel, I would run as fast as I can.  But she doesn't! Instead, she listens to Bryan's sister badmouth Bryan's ex because that bitch had the nerve to try and get between Bryan and his mother.  WHAT AN IDIOT!! Doesn't she know that Bryan is dating his mother?  Or wait... what???

Rachel and Bryan escape the Mom Love Vortex and go outside to make out HARD beneath some BRIGHT lights that producers must have bought in.  Rachel says goodbye to Bryan and somehow isn't freaked out by his family.

Up next is Madison, WI where Rachel will meet Peter's family and ALL OF THEIR RECLINING COUCHES! Holy shit I didn't think it was possible to wedge THAT MANY crummy looking recliners (WITH CUPHOLDERS!) into a living room, but Peter's family is going for gold in that event!

"Mommy, where do overstuffed recliners come from?"
"Bernie + Phyl's, OF COURSE!"

But before the trip to Bernie & Phyl's (talk about a LOCAL joke!), Rachel and Peter wander around a farmer's market in downtown Madison and are tailed by excited teenagers videotaping the couple with their phones (did anyone else see that in a shot or two).  They buy flowers and the salesman is NOT having it, then they head to a restaurant to meet a few of Peter's besties.

Doesn't his look quietly say, "get that camera the fuck outta my face'? 

Oh I almost forgot! Peter says that "today will be a major step in Rachel and I's relationship" and he has done this a FEW TIMES this season. Goodness gracious doens't saying "I's" feel WEIRD to you, gap tooted Wisconsin??? It's fucking MYYYYYYY--Rachel's and MY relationship.  OK, rant over.

Rachel and The Guy Who Needs To Go Back to 5th Grade Language Arts Class head into a bar/restaurant and meet some of Peter's best friends (2 couples) then make a whole lotta jokes about people being black or white.




Soon it's time to head out to the super Americana town of Cottage Grove, WI where Peter's family lives.  As I mentioned before, their decorating style can best be described as "comfortable" or "Superbowl Sunday every day" and Rachel meets Peter's mother (rocking a hairstyle called the Original Kate Gosselin), his father, his bro and sister-in-law (whose hair color was effortlessly perfect), plus their 2 kids.  During Rachel's alone time with Peter's mother, Spiky Hair Mama Bear says that while Peter might not be ready for marriage or to make a proposal, he's definitely ready to commit and start a family.  HUH?  Like, are you talking Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell (companions forever, no need for a piece of paper) or are you saying that he's into kids, but can't be bogged down with a wife?  That statement was very odd and, frankly, I doubt Peter truly feels that way.

Rachel leaves and based on the previews from next week's episode, we know that Peter gets sent home at the end of next Monday's episode.  Not such a great job on the editing, Teach Bachelorette.

Up next is Aspen, CO for Rachel to meet Dean's father, stepmother, brothers, and sister.  Dean is rocking skin tight maroon sweatpants (WHAT WERE THOSE?), a grey hoodie sweatshirt thing, and some BIG, sparkly teeth (as always).  Rachel looks super cute and cuddly and they ride 4 wheelers, then head to the home where Dean's father (newly chosen name Paramroup) lives with his wife Santantar) and, in direct opposition to Peter's parents' house, there are ZERO couches.  Talk about a switcheroo!

Dean is anxious and self-conscious about his father's new life (he is now a Kundalini Yogi Sikh after decades spent as a breadwinning, typical American father figure) and he shows that by being unwilling to engage in some of it (not eating, repeatedly calling his dad "Pops" which I suspect his father dislikes).  The preview made it seem like his dad's a jerk and he's not, but he doesn't seem to have ANY sympathy for the fact that Dean lost his sweet mother at age 15 and felt completely abandoned and alone.  Ohh Dean--my heart goes out to you, buddy.  Honestly, between this and some of the issues brought up by Eric and family in Baltimore, I must give ABC major props for showcasing some REAL, true, candid family and societal issues.

In their alone time, Dean effectively asks his father to just ADMIT that he abandoned the family and essentially, just say sorry, say you fucked up--and his dad simply can't do it.  It was all very hard to watch.  They're both hurting and while Dean lost his MOTHER, which is brutal, Paramroup (or as he was probably called then, Steve or some shit) lost his partner/best friend/wife.  It's so tragic all around.  Dean's sister Sky tells Rachel that Dean was always the strong one and that he has been through so much.  Poor guy.  Man.

Later on, Rachel tries to talk by a fire with Paramroup and he abruptly exits, which I can completely understand.  Dredging up these emotions--in front of cameras especially--must be exhausting and you gotta set some boundaries.

Dean and Rachel make out on the floor (again--my hell--I HATE mattresses that are too low to the floor or being stuck sitting on the floor for too long) and Dean tell Rachel that he's falling in love with her.

At long last, everybody reports to Dallas, TX to get dressed up and potentially dumped.  Rachel sits down for a completely unnecessary conversation with Chris Harrison, then it's line-up time.

The guys are all dressed up and Rachel looks wonderful in a beaded gunmetal dress, sparkly grey/green eyeshadow, red lip (I would have gone with a light lip but to each her own), and a fun, beaded bracelet.  She's struggling from the start as she hands roses to...

-Bryan - ugh, Rachel, are you SURE you want to marry into a family where your mother-in-law will FOREVER be reminding you that she was there first?
-Eric - YES!! His family is so wonderful and it's been SO nice to watch him come out of his shell and gain confidence around Rachel.
-Peter - who is definitely going home next week (he's just too serious, practical)

Rachel walks Dean out and they chat beneath a GIANT painting of oversized hummingbirds quickly.  Dean seems angry and a bit upset, but Rachel responds that she's just not sure they are in the same place in life, which we all knew the moment the age of "26" flashed on the screen when Dean exited the limo on night number one!! Dean leaves with his head held high, though, saying that Rachel has some great guys in there and he hopes she finds what she's looking for.

Next week we had to SPAIN where, seemingly, we will see the last of Peter's salt and pepper hair and gapped toothed smile.  Then it's down to Bryan vs. Eric and, from the looks of it, Bryan does NOT do well with Mama Lindsay.  I can't wait to see how it all goes down!

Also, do you like to HEAR two hilarious comedians TALK about Bach??? Then listen to the latest episode of The Fantasy Suite right here.

Bachelorette Rachel Ep 7: My Very Late HOT TAKES

Hello!

As usual, I'll start with apologies because I'm late.  I'm gearing up for an album recording (Wed July 26th at The Duplex--all info on my website, www.selenacoppock.com) and it's a bit of a sprint right now.  This Monday I'll be watching live then recording The Fantasy Suite podcast with my wonderful pal Dava Krause, so I promise I'll do better!

This will be a quick post because Monday night's episode is old news and was quite predictable--the two guys who were sent home were the two guys who have inspired me to scream "HOW ARE THOSE BOZOS STILL HERE?" at my television repeatedly.

The remaining 6 guys and men fly across a cartoon map to Geneva, Switzerland--home of the United Nations, a big water spraying thing, lots of mountains and quaint buildings, and a giant, red chair.  The six boys roam the streets of Geneva with SUCH enthusiasm it felt like watching a boy band film some B roll of them being excited to be young and alive.

The guys sit around their hotel suite (after the requisite move of jumping on the bed WHICH MAKES ME CRAZ--people, have you never seen a fucking BED before? Get it together!) and Rachel arrives in all white and looking sharp.  She informs the guys that this week (the week before HOMETOWNS OMG OMG OMG) there will be three 1:1s and a group date.  She wastes no time on her first 1:1 and asks Bryan to head out with her.

We all know how this played out--they went to a watch store and did a Reverse Pretty Woman, with Rachel buying Bryan a VERY expensive watch and Bryan repaying her in sex (or at least, in an intense kiss inside the shop), then rode on a boat, had a picnic, ALL events while drinking.  That night they get dressed up (Rachel in another white ensemble and did you notice that she wore a TON of white throughout this episode) and over "dinner" (draaaanxxxx), Rachel tries to get a sense of Bryan's upbringing, childhood, family, but he deftly changes the subject to--how weird was this--Rachel's schoolgirl days.  It was bizarre.  There's something I don't like about him and some guys back in the hotel agree with me.  His complete confidence and suaveness since day 1 weird me out.  We'll see. He gets a rose so Rachel will definitely be visiting his crew in Miami.

Dean scores the next 1:1 date and wow how the mighty have fallen!  Dean, I hated you at the start of the season (too young, teeth too big and white), then I LOVED you (calling 'em like you see 'em, seeming perceptive) but now I hate you again (constantly laughing, never answering real questions).  The couples attends a Catholic mass in French, enjoys coffee hour, then wanders around Geneva and Dean claims it resembles Aspen, which makes me think that Dean has never been to Aspen.  Dean evades questions but finally over "dinner" Dean reveals that not only did his mother's death irreparably fracture his family, his father has become an "eccentric" so he's nervous to bring Rachel into that situation.  Yikes.  In past seasons, I think I recall there being a "hometown" visit that took place at the participant's apartment and was siblings coming over for dinner--am I remembering wrong?  From the previews it looks like Dean's father is INDEED an eccentric and now I feel bad for him because I'd imagine that the producers were LOVING the idea of getting footage of a bearded weirdo shut-in.  Yikes.  Dean gets a rose, so get ready for a peek into

Third 1:1 date goes to America's second father gap tooth (second to Rachel, of course), Peter.  They take a helicopter into the alps, ride on a dogsled (talk about snow to the FACE), then have a painful picnic in the frozen, windy tundra.  There had been teasers that Peter might say he's not ready to take Rachel home or he might opt out, but that was tricky editing and Peter's in it, but still VERY pragmatic and serious.  Peter gets a rose so soon we'll learn if everyone in his family also has a gap in their front teeth.

In between all these date we see THE MOST prompted, stilted conversations between the remaining guys.  Wow these guys are NOT actors.

The 1:1 is Adam, Matt, and Eric and FINALLY we say goodbye to Adam and Matt.  I suppose that some dead weight inevitably hangs around EVERY season, just by the nature of the show, but WOW these two had such DUMB LUCK to make it as far as they did.  They both seemed FINE, mind you, but not like they had any real, romantic connection with Rachel.

But how did it go down?

The crew hopped on a boat to France to sit outside a beautiful chateau and drink, freeze.  In her 1:1 time with Matt, Rachel told him that he reminds her of herself (sweet), cried a LOT, then put him in a car to drive home.  Oh man you got rejected in FRANCE but all your stuff is in SWITZERLAND! Ha! I hope you brought your passport on this date or else you'll be stuck in limbo at the Paris airport for the rest of your days, man!  He's very kind to Rachel as he leaves and now he can get back to his passion--working as a Burt Reynolds look-alike.

That night, Eric, Adam, and Rachel get all dressed up (Rachel in a black cape and beneath it a beautiful, sleeveless black dress with a neckline that resembles a necklace--so gorgeous) and sit down to a 3 person dinner like a class episode of ElimiDate.

Rachel's talk with Adam is light and fun, with Eric is mores serious and intense.  The producers give us a rare, very REAL moment on-screen, with Eric talking about his formative years in Baltimore and witnessing crime, poverty, broken homes, drug dealing, abuse, incarceration.  Props to the producers for not shying away from some heavy topics.

Rachel is torn and I said to my roommate, "she's going to pick the easy-breezy guy--Eric was too intense" but Rachel impressed me HUGELY when she went with Eric! Way to go, girl!  Her relationship with Adam just wasn't quite there--I just wasn't sure that SHE was ready to admit that.  Adam hops in a car and whines that if she had met Mama Jean and Papa Jean (do his parents truly have the same name? Or is it Jean and Gene?), she would have been sold on him.  But dude, Rachel is looking for a MAN to marry--not a set of in-laws to marry closer to.

So hometowns will be Bryan (bienvenidos a Miami!), Dean (do NOT join this guy's cult--seriously), Peter (I'm betting on some SERIOUS parents who created this SERIOUS guy), and Eric (Baltimore--will both of his parents show up?).  From the previews, it looks like Rachel's family is NOT going to fly to paradise in order to meet the final 2, but rather the final 2 will come to THEM (and it seems that Bryan will definitely be in that final 2).  I love that--they participate on their own terms.

See you next week!

Bachelorette Rachel Ep 4: With All Due Respect, Iggy's a Bitch + "Disingenuine" Is Not a Word

FRANZ!

On Monday June 19^th we FINALLY got to watch episode 4 of Rachel’s season as The Bachelorette and it felt like we had been waiting forever!  Perhaps because we DID wait two weeks for a fresh batch of Bach (incidentally, that’s also the name of Michelle Collins’ new podcast).

And, while we’re talking podcasts, please note that I didn’t record an episode of TheFantasy Suite this week, though Dava recorded with a guest host.  I’ve been a bit slammed lately and not sleeping well and I fear I am spreading myself too thin with both these recaps AND the podcast, but the point is, I was in bed by 10:10 last night because I was so overtired.

And, as I’m sure every resident of Bachelor Nation knows, during the past week there has been MAJOR CONTROVERSY (and we’re talking REAL controversy, not the faux drama that is ginned up by Bachelor producers every season) because of what happened on DAY ONE of filming “Bachelor In Paradise” and the subsequent cancellation of the season.  Wooooa.  I’ll get into that in another recap (probably) but my quick two cents—Bachelor In Paradise is a show that REVOLVES around drinking and hooking up, so while I have sympathy for everyone involved and the whole thing sounds quite spooky, I’m honestly surprised that something like this hasn’t happened before.

BUT WE MUST TALK ABOUT RACHEL AND THE BOYZ!!!

OK, so The Bachelorette producers give us a quick montage to refresh our memories—Lee sucks, Eric is feeling insecure and angry (but that’s his right and I’m on his side), we left off mid-cocktail party. 

Eric and Josiah are justifiably angry at weasel-y Lee (who has a WHOLE lotta confidence for a guy that average in looks and below average in height).  Lee has a Masters Degree in Being Patronizing and laughs at both men as they get heated.  Eric utters a phrase that has become my personal mantra in the past few years:

You do you, Imma do me.

YESSSS!! Eric is completely right—this isn’t about ERIC somehow being consumed by Lee’s antics or Lee and Rachel’s connection (because I truly don’t think there is one)—this is about Lee gaslighting the hell out of Eric and attempting to manipulate him (and other members of the house, as we see later).   Lee says “I didn’t sign up for this to come here to make friends” which is like a dumbed down remix of the reality TV dating show mantra, “I didn’t come here to make friends.” 

Kenny and Rachel are chatting about wrestling (note to Kenny: EXPAND your conversations topics, dude) and Lee interrupts them, responding to Kenny’s request for 60 seconds with an offer of 16 seconds. That’s not how bargaining works, Tiny Racist. 

We see clips of the other guys in the house talking about Lee and Dean wins my heart (a surprising move because I normally HATE pretty boys) with the line, “I just think Lee’s kind of… a bitch?”  The male model and that Jack Stone guy (who is DEAD WEIGHT around here) argue over the correct pronunciation of “quirks” (it’s not pronounced like the fundamental constituent of matter, you dummies) as Dean very tractfully says that Lee “messes with guys he’s not used to seeing on a daily basis” (BLACK MEN). 

Meanwhile, Lee trots out a story about how his grandfather died of cancer but here is grandpop’s knife (shocked that made it past the TSA on your flight from Nashville to LA, but maybe you stored it in your pompadour?) and he used that knife to carve a dumb word into a block of wood. Good Lord where did Lee learn his flirting techniques—Camp Brookwoods for Adolesent Boys?  

Rachel and Bryan canoodle on the front steps (how killer was her sparkly, gunmetal eyeshadow? And those lashes! I love her style so much) then she retreats to the “candle room” to talk to that firefighter with a misshapen face (Bryce) as Kenny and Lee had a bit of a screaming fight in the backyard.  Lee did his standard moves (acts flabbergasted, refuses to take ANY responsibility for being a f-ing weasel, laughs at the earnest expressions of emotion of his supposed friends) and Kenny got really frustrated with him (understandably so, but also, you CANNOT let this guy play you, Kenny!). 

In a solo interview just after all that, Rachel started crying and expressing how much pressure she is under as the first black bachelorette.  I can’t even imagine.  If Rachel sends too many black men home, she’s being disloyal.  If she sends too many white or Asian men home, she’s not giving them a chance. She also has the pressure of being a stereotypically STRONG, black woman AND her entire family had better be absolutely PERFECT because they WILL be held to a higher standard.  It’s why the Obama’s had to be fucking inspiring EVERY DAMN DAY and why the Trump’s can be sloppy and dysfunctional.  It sucks. 

Bachelor Nation’s savior, Chris Harrison, appears at Rachel’s side and says that he can facilitate anything—just tell me what you need.  Oh Chris—can you facilitate being MY best friend forever? 

What she needs is to send some tools packing, so it’s rose ceremony time.

The dudes line up and GOODNESS GRACIOUS did anyone else notice that Alex (aka Hot Commie) is wearing dark purple animal print suit!? What is this, Las Vegas?  I like individuality but that’s just too close to Pimp Wear to be acceptable.  Rachel looks gorgeous (beige-ish, sparkly gown, sleeveless to show off her killer arms, hair down with a side part).  Alex (white guy who is the star of Outfit Nightmares), Eric (black guy who I nicknamed Tan Suit, though he’s not in a tan suit this rose ceremony), and Anthony (black guy who is JACKED and niiiiice) all have roses already.  Who is safe this week?

-Will (black guy in a light blue-ish suit, looking very good, also playing it cool—wise man)

-Dean (white guy who I used to HATE and call “Teeth” but now I LOVE because he is a straight shooter like how John McCain used to be AND ALSO Dean’s rocking a very unique pattered shirt, which I dig)

-Jonathan (white guy Cuddle Monster in a striped tie—snooze)

-Peter (white guy w/ the gap teeth and sorta salt and pepper hair—looking good)

-Adam (white guy, navy suit, he’s hot but has yet to show ANY personality)

-Bryan (white guy chiropractor who is CONNECTING with Rachel and it scares her)

-Matt (white guy from CT who truly looks like a young Burt Reynolds)

-Josiah (black guy, lawyer, dark suite, sweet smile)

-Jack (I dig the dark suit, no tie look, but this dude is just a lil corny)

-Iggy (Asian guy, dark suit, not tie. Iggy’s hot, but a gossip)

-Kenny (looking good in his purple shirt and striped tie)

THE FINAL ROSE GOES TO….

-Lee (short, not very hot, seemingly racist, singer/songwriter from Nashville. NO THANK YOU!)

So who is heading home?

-Bryce – the white dude firefighter with the somewhat strange face shape (I feel bad kicking him while he’s down now… but google him and tell me that face isn’t Silly Putty-esque)

-White Dude Male Model whose name I can’t be bothered to look up – it’s “QUIRKS,” you idiot.

-Diggy – the super stylish, handsome, bespecled black man from Chicago who I LOVED, alas perhaps he didn’t come on strong enough for Rachel?  I hope you can turn this appearance into some sweet free drinks all over Chi-Town, Diggy!!

Rachel is ready to leave the drama behind because they are all hopping a plane and heading to Hilton Head, South Carolina!!

The boys stay at a resort and do the requisite jumping on bed of new resort, screaming main character’s name as a group off a patio. 

Dean gets the first 1:1 which is a ride in a Jeep Wrangler to a field where they will drink on the Wrangler’s hood then hop on a blimp for more drinking and cuddling.  Dean is freaked out by the blimp part of the date because he’s afraid of heights (of course he is—THAT is exactly why this date involves heights. I swear, if I ever were to submit a profile to be on this show, I’d say that my greatest fear is doing standup comedy in hopes that they’d force me to do it and I’d feign fear over it then I would frigging CRUSH the room). 

Rachel and Dean have a fun afternoon, then over a candel-lit dinner beneath a beautifully lit tree, they talk about life, family, tragedy.  Rachel looks casual and sexy in tight, black pants, heels and a white blouse with black detailing.  Dean shows off his pecs (as always) in a tight, grey shirt.  Over dinner, Rachel talks about growing up in a very strict, religious home and Dean echoes that—his childhood years were all about nature, family, and church.  Dean opens up more than he has with any other woman (or audience of millions of random Americans), telling Rachel the heartbreaking story of how his mother died of cancer and how, at age 15, he didn’t quite understand it, and then was essentially left to his own devices from ages 15-18, as his family sort of fell apart.  OOof.  I’ve heard stories like that before—the mom passes and the family falls apart.  So sad.  Dean gets a rose and loses the nickname of “Teeth.” Sorry, bud.

Oh I almost forgot! Before the night is over, Rachel and Dean walk down a street to a stage setup where a singer who sounds Top 40, but I’m betting he categorizes himself as “Country” or even “Country/Crossover,” Russell Dickerson, is ready to serenade the happy couple as they make out for a few hundred smartphone-wielding strangers. PEOPLE! Why can’t you simply experience an experience? Must it always be videotaped? When will you ever watch that tape, anyway?  Can you tell that I was raised by a father who is militantly anti-videotaping? He loved taking photos (still does), but never shot videos and I tend to agree with his reasoning—how often are you going to watch those back?  But I digress.

Back at the house, dudes are assembling for a group date and the posse is Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Lee, Igg, Eric, Will, and Josiah WHICH MEANS THAT DWEEBUS JACK STONE IS GETTING A 1:1 and literally MOMENTS before that was announcement, I wrote in my notes, “it’s almost embarrassing to hear Jack Stone talk about wanting 1:1 time with Rachel.”  Welp, against all odds, he’s getting it.

The next day’s group date is a day on a boat (complete with dance circle, freestyle rapping, push ups, and Rachel sporting a captain’s hat like she’s Pam Anderson during her tragic Kid Rock era. 

These two are looking ROUGH. 

now THAT is how you rock a captain's hat

Spotted on Alex: MAN BUN! 

Rachel has the line of the day, screaming at the guys “if you’re hot, please feel free to take your shirts off.”  They day drink and get rowdy, then arrive back on land and the guys are forced to participate in the Bachelor National Spelling Bee, which was a SOLID challenge after a morning of drinking.  The judges are Rachel and 3 adolescent girls (who are LIBERAL with their use of the bell that indicates when a contestant has made an error).  The guys do pretty well at first, then drop off quickly and Josiah emerges the victor, playfully making jokes, asking if he can use words in a sentence so as to compliment Rachel, and, upon winning the golden cup, screaming “HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, SUCKAS?”  Josiah is KILLING me—I LOVE playful dudes. Great work, J.

The after party is where things go off the rails and we hear the SECOND use of the word “disingenuine” this episode.  YES, TWICE—two DIFFERENT guys meant to use the word “disingenuous” but said “disingenuine” and I can’t help but think that for 70% of the house, “disingenuous” JUST got introduced to their vocabulary and they thought they sounded PRETTY darn smart.  You did—until you gave that word a little “genuine” caboose.  No dice, boyz.

Rachel looks beautiful in a black cocktail dress with a filmy overlay and some cut out flowers on it (that dress is VERY hard to describe but VERY lovely) and the guys are a big cleaned up.  Peter and Rachel have a flirty conversation in the wine cellar, Eric has bounced back since last week, and Iggy wastes the little time that he has with Rachel by badmouthing Josiah.  JOSIAH?? HUH? If you’re going to shit talk anyone, Iggy, shit talk LEE! COME ON!  Josiah? He’s being playful and silly—leave that alone!  Eric is right when he refers to Iggy as a “gossip queen” and Iggy’s very foolish to take this path—he and Rachel have ZERO relationship and NO chemistry, and he’s serving as just a gossip reporter. Why are you doing this, dude? Also, please stop painting your gossipy tendencies as that you are “weirdly defensive” about Rachel. That is NOT  what you’re doing. Also, I agree with Eric and Josiah 100% here—Iggy, it’s not your job to create drama and report to Rachel, then come back and inform the guys that you just shit talked them. As Eric said, Iggy, you continue to be in the sauce of the mixing pot—YOU are part of the problem.   And as Josiah said even more beautifully,

“WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, IGGY’S A BITCH.”

That quote is absolute perfection.

But wait, let’s not forget about the even BIGGER asshole in the house, LEE!  He and Rachel sit down to talk and she wisely asks him why she KEEPS hearing his name and why Kenny was screaming at him.  Lee accepts ZERO responsibility, of course, and claims that Kenny was VERY AGGRESSIVE toward him (ummm you’re both grown men, are you not) and then calls Kenny a “butthole.”  Cool moves, bro.

Later, Rachel and Kenny chat outside and Kenny performs a sweet freestyle rap in which he rhymes “journey” with “attorney.” Rachel confronts him about the Lee scene and Kenny admits that Lee baited him and that he’s ashamed that he let Lee get him so wound up.  Their conversation is disrupted by another suitor and Kenny feels frustrated that he wasted his precious time with Rachel discussing Lee and trying to prove that he’s not an aggressive, angry guy.  Ugh. 

Kenny takes that moment of clarity and squanders it, heading back into the super nautical country club bar and asking Lee if he will come outside for a word on the patio. This will end badly, but we’ll have to wait until next week to find out HOW badly. 

Bachelorette Rachel: Ep 3: Mud Fighting In a Honkey Tonk Bar? It's My Dream Date!

Greetings!

Monday night's episode was action packed, and I'm not just talking about the mud wrestling and horse shit.

We rejoined our fair maiden (Rachel) and her suitors (Diggy, Iggy, and the gang) where we left them--on a cliffhanger.  Everybody was all done up for a cocktail party and rose ceremony, but we had a party crasher--DeMario.

As you will recall, last week DeMario was asked to "go the F home" by Rachel "I will not be made a fool of" Lindsay and Bachelor Nation loves her for it!  But he's delusional and/or smitten, so he shows up to the Bachelor Mansion to try and win her back.  The guys heard that DeMario was in the driveway, so they assembled and acted tough while being "held off" by Bachelor Mansion security and Rachel walked down to DeMario to hear him plead his case.

Can we talk about her strut down to him? Chris Harrison escorted her and OMG I wish it had been in slow motion--it was SO fierce!  Rachel was all done up in that killer dress--black, slinky, slit up the leg, gold edging, fur coat--she was like a modern day Foxy Brown (the original) dream sequence!

DeMario pleads his case, saying that he hasn't been able to sleep, he knows he messed up, he didn't keep it real (her motto), and that "one of my favorite quotes is, in order to experience joy, you need to experience pain." Oh DeMario.  Even though Puff Diddy literally said that line in a song by girl band Danity Kane, it's not really an inspirational quote, so much as it's the meaning behind much better written, poetic inspirational quotes. For example: you need to live through winter to appreciate spring.  See?  THERE is an inspirational quote.

Anyway--somehow DeMario feels that in the 18-24 hours he just spent in the "dog house" (a hotel paid for by ABC, that is), he has learned a LOT.  God bless Rachel because she keeps her cool, she hears him out, and she is NOT HAVING IT. YES Rachel YES YES YES!! Her response is equal parts beautiful and hilarious, with her assuring him that she's glad he learned this life lesson, good and bad, all that stuff, but she wants a MAN and the way he behaved after the basketball game was the behavior of a BOY, so take this lesson with you as you go forward, DeMario, but forward aint into the Bachelor Mansion.  Thank you.

bye bye, DeMario 

The men are ELATED at how Rachel handled that--she had poise, grace, and all of those other adjectives that Madonna used to describe actresses in "Vogue."

Rachel doesn't miss a beat (which is what impressed me THE MOST because I would probably be feeling a little jittery and maybe pop into that bathroom for a quick cry after that scene) and dives into the cocktail party.  She laughs at Alex's Rubix Cube skills, at Jonathan's giant fabric hands (WHY WHY WHY? Is the props department in The Bachelorette just itching for something to do?), fawns over Kenny's sweet photos, and plays basketball in the driveway with Will.  It's all so sweet, until Loser Cruiser Twosome Blake and Lucas (aka Wahboom) decide that they want some time on camera.

Rachel gets some alone time with Lucas (who is wearing a plaid, baby blue suit jacket straight out of CADDYSHACK) and she asks him point blank why he and Blake are at odds.  Lucas responds with what I bet he thought was a funny joke ("maybe he likes me? Ya know, like, maybe he is GAY HAHAHHAAHAH! Get it GAY??") and Rachel doesn't laugh or "yes and" it (good move), then Lucas tells an obviously fictitious story about Blake supposedly watching him sleep and eating a banana while he does that.  Oh man I HATE people like this--people who will tell "jokes" that are really just dumb, silly lies, but they deliver them so ineffectually that the listener usually doesn't "get the joke" because it's not funny! Ahhhh! Get Wahboom outta here!

Also, can we please trot out this silly quarrel that is, as Rachel put it, "he said-he said" the next time anyone claims that The Bachelor features cat fights and petty quarrels (because the house is full of women)?  In fact, these men are PETTY AS HELL and there is DRAMA within the house, so that shit knows no gender boundaries.

At long last it's time for gorgeous Rachel to line-up these dudes and embarrass some of them on primetime TV.  Peter (gap teeth) already had a rose from last week's 1:1, Dean has one (remember when he walked Rachel to her car? Dreamy), and Josiah has one, also.

 Who scores a rose next?

-Bryan (white dude chiropractor, good kisser, but I don't love him)
-Bryce (white dude firefighter whose face is LEGIT like overstretched Silly Putty)
-Eric (black guy aka Tan Suit rocking a TAN SUIT!)
-Anthony (black guy with a bald head and cool style, though I HATE this suit--navy suit and black shirt? MY EYES ARE BLEEDING AND THAT IS SURPRISING BECAUSE GUY IS HOT BUT NEEDS A STYLIST. Could be be colorblind? I used to date a guy who would wear bad color combinations and it was because he was colorblind (and also a friggin' DOOOOUCHE haha KEVIN I HATE YOU STILL).
-Will (black guy, light grey suit, seems playful and cool)
-Jonathan (white guy Tickle Monster who seems fun but sorta lame)
-Jack (white guy, attorney guy, does nothing for me)
-Matt (white guy, CT dude, yellow tie, he's fine)
-Alex (hot Commie (is that offensive?) who is hella husky and has hot stubble. YES PLEASE.)
-Adam (I'm willing to admit that he's HOT but that weird Adam Jr. doll still creeps me out)
-Kenny (black dude wrestler who I am ROOTING for)
-Brady (white dude male model who tried to be funny at the close of the episode, but I don't think he quite gets it, ya know?)
-Lee (short nobody who is revealing himself to be a patronizing MONSTER)
-Iggy (Asian guy, red suit, I like his look but he seems a lil bland)
-Fred (black dude who Rachel knows from childhood, not doing super great)
-Diggy (black dude from Chicago with THE BEST STYLE. I hope that Rachel is saving him for later because he seem like a SOLID dude who deserves a 1:1).

So who is going home?
-Jamey (legit WHO ARE YOU white guy?)
-Blake (who I hated from the moment I saw him on After the Final Rose, so you might say I'm a Blake hating hipster)
-Lucas aka Wahboom.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, our long national nightmare is over and the biggest TOOL to ever set foot in the Bachelor mansion is mercifully being sent packing.

Blake and Lucas wouldn't be Blake and Lucas if they didn't make themselves look like absolute DWEEBS on the way out, and they serve it up.  In the driveway, Blake rips into Lucas for being a "wanna-be comedian" (HA! Oh man is Lucas a frigging standup or improviser based in LA? I bet he's the weak link on an improv team with some shitty name like the "Jars of Bae" or like "Bae Watch" or like "Bae Street Metro Tech" or some other such Bae-based joke that the team members think will be HILARIOUS forever, but 3 years from now they'll find themselves booked on a 3:00 am show at the Del Close Marathon and their corny assed team name will sound SO dated and they'll all wonder what they are even DOING on this team. What is the goal? Is it just for fun? What is going on? When do we stop playing Zip Zap Zop?)

ANYWAY!

The next day Chris Harrison shows up to tell them what's on tap for the week: 2 group dates and a 1:1 date.

The first group date is a trip (and strip) to the daytime talk show "Ellen" and the lucky boys are Bryan, Jonathan, Peter, Alex, Will, and Fred.  They all meet Ellen, the guys strip down and dance among the Ellen Show audience for money (I am not kidding), then do a Q+A session during which Alex admits that he pees in the pool and FINALLY I relate to one of these guys!

We learn that, of the 6 guys on this group date, 3 of them have kissed Rachel and 3 have not and WOW the 3 who have not are sounding like Pollyanna with their take on it ("maybe they just kissed on the cheek?" -Jonathan).  Fred is feeling left behind, so he tries to come on strong at the after party, but ends up fumbling.  He asks Rachel if he may kiss her, which I think can be a cute move, but the timing was odd, Rachel basically laughed at him, and then they shared a VISIBLY BAD kiss. Rachel looked amazing, as ever (black bodysuit with cool cut outs, thin straps, and funky necklace) and the other guys just made better use of their time with Rachel.

In a BRUTAL maneuver, Rachel picks up the group date rose and pulls Fred aside, so we all thought he was getting the rose, but NO, ole' Freddy was getting sent home!  Rachel expresses it really beautifully, Fred handles the rejection well, and is whisked away.  I'm sure he'll see Rachel at a family BBQ in the future and never live this down.  Bye bye, Fred! Oh, also, the group date goes to Alex, thereby proving the old adage "he who pees in the shared pool always gets the girl."

The next day, Eric is unraveling at the Bachelor mansion and it's too bad because it's one of those things where you feel insecure and you're filled with shame about it and you keep rambling about it and other dudes chime in and make you feel even MORE insecure and it's like a Dane Cook standup  album filled with odd anecdotes more than jokes: A VICIOUS CIRCLE.

The 1:1 goes to Anthony, who impresses Bachelor Nation with his calm confidence and willingness to go with the flow.  Plus he's hot and JACKED.  Rachel and Anthony spend the day trotting around Rodeo Drive (literally---on horses) and shopping at overpriced stores, then letting a horse drop a deuce in a corny Beverly Hills tourist trap.  Nice work!  That night they get done up to enjoy drinks, conversation, and hand holding at a table overlooking the LA skyline.  Anthony wins our hearts with his thoughts about family, paying it forward, and his love for his parents and younger siblings. Rachel gives him a rose and then they sorta halfway dance/halfway stand around kissing in front of a jazz quartet that was very LA LA LAND.  (Did anyone else sorta hate that movie? I WANTED to love it but I just didn't).

Back at the house, Eric continues to unravel and for whatever reason, Iggy thinks he should chime in.  Eric is emotional and feeling insecure, so he makes a silly comment about Rachel's motives and the other guys will, no doubt, never let him hear the end of it.

The next day is a group date taken DIRECTLY from MY DREAMS, as it's a MUD WRESTLING tournament at a HONKEY TONK BAR.  Ummmm hello--I have picked my wedding venue!! Now I just need a charismatic man with a big belly please!!!

The boys who will be stripping down and wrasslin' are Brady (model), Dean (teeth), Adam (hot but #NeverForget Puppetgate), Kenny (this is his DREAM date even more than it's my dream date), Bryce (oh, you're still here? HOW?), Lee (you're too average and scrawny to have that much confidence, guy), Jack (dead weight), and Eric (feeling insecure is NEVER a good thing).

Rachel's besties, Raven, Corinne, Jasmine, and Alexis are joining the crew for the day and it's a rowdy bar scene!  A true "bottle blonde"lady (the bar owner?) runs the show and the dudes strip down and do some last minute push ups and screaming to get pumped up.  Kenny is FIRED UP and this honkey tonk bar is about to experience "the pretty boy pitbull."

action shots

Everyone does surprisingly well, even Jack, the wimpy looking lawyer who it as stunned as we are that he's even still on the show.  The ladies wear clear raincoats (I sorta love those) and drink and cheer as the mayhem goes down.  The final round is Kenny vs. Bryce and somehow Bryce wins, which Kenny handles gracefully.

If nothing else, I bet this is good for their pores?

While the guys "shower off" (they were using a frigging garden hose!), Rachel confers with her gals and everybody likes Dean.  Raven reports that both Lee and Bryce said that perhaps Eric isn't right for Rachel.

That night at Oak Canyon Ranch, Rachel rocks a lovely, heather grey dress and jacket (sometimes monochromatic looks can be SO great) and has great conversation with Kenny and Dean.  Adam falls flat and she seems to have ZERO connection with Jack.  Eric opens up to Rachel, saying that he has been running from his feeling his entire life, feels vulnerable and anxious about that.  Rachel listens thoughtfully and seems to have a lot of fondness for him, but she shoots him straight that 2 guys (and she names them--Lee and Bryce) said that Eric may not have pure motives and I gotta stop right here and say I am VERY ANNOYED that somehow the idea that Eric may not be right for Rachel has become "Eric has bad motives."  I don't think that's what anyone meant.

Eric sits down with the guys and immediately asks Lee and Bryce to fess up.  Bryce sort of admits that he said something but that it wasn't about motives, whereas Lee leans into it and claims that he talked shit because Eric has never been in love and is inexperienced in relationships.  Dude, Lee, WHAT DO YOU CARE?? RUN YOUR OWN RACE, JACKASS.  Buh.  At this point, Lee becomes SO patronizing and keeps saying to Eric "I love you to death" while also making him feel ashamed for not having more breakups in his past.  HUH?  Eric got really frustrated (understandably so) and sorta fell for Lee's manipulations.   Lee is a gaslighter and a manipulator and a pussy.  NO THANK YOU.

The next evening is the rose ceremony and the guys are dressed up and Rachel's sporting a sparkly, gold gown with a side part (change it up! Yes).  Eric chats with the guys and says that since he has a rose, he just wants to share good energy and peace and grace and it's very sweet of him--to be mindful that perhaps he should hang back.  Both Lee and Iggy talk to Rachel about their tiffs with Eric, which feels sort of unnecessary and even Rachel seems like she doesn't want to get into the drama.  Hell, she JUST had to handle the Blake vs. Lucas situation--who's a girl gotta fuck to just get HIT ON around here?  Save the drama for your mamma and gimme some cheap feels, boys!

Finally, Rachel seeks out Eric to discuss this issue and she assures him that she's genuine, she's not here to play games, but that her antennae are up and she's curious about why she KEEPS hearing his name.  Eric handles it well, then goes into the living room to address the issues again and ask Lee point blank, "why my name is in your mouth" (a phrase I sorta LOVE).  Lee is patronizing as ever, giving him the ridiculous, useless advice to simply focus on himself because "it's not about you" but I'm with Eric when he exclaims, "it IS about ME because MY NAME is in YOUR MOUTH."  Eric is exactly right and I wish that he would say to Lee, "hey, guy, you're SO obsessed with trying to paint me as a fraud ONLY because YOU are a fraud and you're here to be on TV ONLY and you are being rude to me and patronizing me, the when I react in an appropriate way to someone who is antagonizing me, you try to make ME seem like the bad guy!"

Next week dumbass psychopath Lee will learn that referring to black men as "too aggressive" and "too intense" is just like referring to women as "crazy" in that both moves used by shitty people trying to pathologize and undermine and shame others for having NORMAL emotions and responses.

GOODNESS GRACIOUS IS THIS A BACHELORETTE RECAP OR AN ACADEMIC PAPER ON THE SOCIAL IMPLICATIONS OF GASLIGHTING?

GOODNIGHT!

Bachelorette Rachel: A Dirty Dog Gets Dismissed, White Dudes Are Kinda Buggin'

Greetings, fellow residents of Bachelor Nation!  How was your Memorial Day weekend? I hope that you all enjoyed long weekends, remembered the fallen troops who gave their lives for us (Memorial Day weekend is about more than just the premier of official white jeans season! Though I LOVE white jeans season), and ate/drank a bit too much.

Speaking of drinking too much, on Monday night we enjoyed episode 2 of Rachel's season as The Bachelorette and there was definitely drunken drama!  The line of the night goes to loving father/professional wrestler Kenny, who said, "these white dudes are kind buggin' right now" and all of Bachelor Nation cheered.

If you prefer to HEAR two Bachelor Nation lifers chat about this episode, listen to The Fantasy Suite, my and Dava Krause's amazing Bach podcast here.

But to start at the beginning...

The episode opens with Rachel waking up after the "first night" (which lasts roughly 16 hours) and playing with her dog Copper (who has a mysterious leg injury THAT IS NEVER explained! Will we EVER know the truth about CopperGATE?) while the guys perform their legally mandated "RACHEL!" group scream off the Bachelor Mansion upstairs deck.

Chris Harrison maps out the week for them: 2 group dates and a 1:1 date, roses up for grabs on all dates, don't fuck it up.

The first date is about how Rachel is looking for husband material (I LOVE her attitude in all of this--she KNOWS she's a catch and aint afraid to say it!) and the guys invited are Dean (white guy with blinding teeth, 25), Jack (white guy who seems allergic to ties and personality), Jonathan (white boy tickle monster BOOOO), Blake (white dude sorta redhead drummer guy who I do NOT like), Iggy (husky Asian guy who is HOT but maybe not that interesting?), Kenny (black guy Vegas wrestler who is a CONTENDER for sure), Fred (black guy, hometown hottie), and Lucas (white guy who feels like a character from The Chapelle Show who is "The Whitest, Corniest White Guy Of All Time").

They head out to a grassy field where Rachel is BBQing in a sundress.  The crew enjoys a bunch of Moscow Mules (SO hot right now!), a playful football game, and Blake establishes that he knows "the real Lucas" and that "the one person who could ruin this for him is me" (which I think is quite generous, Blake. Surely Lucas's horrendous personality and inability to chill out could serve to ruin this for himself, ya know?).  Blake never says it outright, but I read online that Lucas and Blake were both on WE TV's "Ex Isle"--a reality TV show in which exes live on a deserted island after a 3 hour tour or something?  Really, who cares--but HOW PATHETIC is it that TWO dudes from a LAME reality TV show on a completely unpopular network (sorry "WE TV" but legit who are you?) are reunited on a DIFFERENT reality TV show?  THIS is truly what's wrong with our country.

The second part of this group date is the Husband Material Challenge, a set of stations that each guy must master, and that course is overseen by Bachelor Nation residents Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis! Oh man I bet this is an episode of The Bachelorette that Demi Moore WON'T be watching.  The stations are dad duties: changing a dirty diaper, strapping the baby into a Baby Bjorn and wearing it, vacuuming, clogging a drain, finding a diamond ring, setting a table, picking up flowers.  Ashton and Mila supervise and at the end, things come down to Kenny vs. Lucas.  You can tell that EVERYONE is rooting for Kenny, but somehow Lucas wins it all (well, not really "somehow" so much as he nearly drowns his baby and then clotheslines Kenny).  Rachel puts a "winner" medal around his neck, but unlike the winner of most other challenges in other seasons, Rachel and Lucas don't get any alone time, which made me laugh.  He won't be around long.

I must say, I am not and have never been a big Ashton Kutcher fan.  I know that he charmed America during his turn on "That 70's Show" and the sociopaths who enjoy prank shows LOVED his show "Punk'd" (wherein wealthy people were lead to believe that bad things had happened to them for up to 15 minutes of anxiety then they had a big reveal that HA HA HA this is just professional jagoff Ashton Kutcher messing with you! Fear not, rich celebrity, your Miata convertible was NOT filled with horse dung--it's fine! You're still rich! You will ALWAYS be fine! Economic insecurity, police brutality, being crushed underfoot by the inherent violence of capitalism--those things will NEVER harm you!! Hahahhaha isn't that great TV programming?). ALAS, I gained a small iota of affection for Mr. Kutcher during this episode, ONLY because he flatly REFUSED to understand or enjoy or go along with "Wahboom" and for that, I respect him.

Meanwhile, back at the house singer/songwriter Lee is extremely tiresome and Will has noticed!

At the group date after party Rachel rocks a VERY low cut black dress with zipper edging down the front V neck and a zipper horizontally up the leg.  She's also sporting a red lip and looks fierce.  To be polite, Rachel pulls Lucas aside first (since he won, so she probably HAD to) and he reads her a moronic poem that concludes with him mis-using the word "entail."  While Lucas is away, Blake tells the other guys on the group date that he knows Lucas from a "previous encounter" (is that what they call a previous reality TV show nowadays because it sounds like they hooked up) and that Lucas is NOT here for Rachel, he just wants to be on TV, and he has been peddling this weird "Wahboom" garbage for 3 years. None of this surprises ANY of the guys.

Rachel gets 1:1 time with each guy and Jack acts like a pussy, Jonathan spends all their solo time talking about diaper changing (why no more tickling, Tickle Monster?), Iggy makes boring conversation, Fred insists that he has matured, and Blake informs Rachel that Lucas is full of shit and not here for the right reasons. Dean, the 25-year-old who I have been mocking for his teeth size/brightness, turns out to be pretty playful and charismatic, and he and Rachel get along great. Blake and Lucas nearly come to blows, which inspires Kenny to walk off in search of Rachel because...

Rachel and Kenny have a fantastic conversation and share a sweet kiss, but the date rose goes to Dean who then makes the STRONGEST move in Bachelorette history and WALKS HER TO THE CAR! I know it seems small and obvious which is why it is SO STUNNING that no one has thought of this before! I mean, no one has, right, my fellow Bach heads?  It was SO suave! Yes yes yes, Dean-o--talk my hand, walk me to the car, lead me in, then tap on the door.  GOOD LORD I SUDDENLY LOVE DEAN!! WTF????

The next day, Peter (white guy, facial scruff, dark hair) and Rachel have a 1:1 date (well, 1:1 + dog) in Palm Springs, CA, one of my FAVORITE places in the world.  I spent my 35th birthday at the Ace Hotel + Swim Club resort in Palm Springs and I love that place so much.  They attend "Bark Fest" which is like a Coachella for dogs (but with less drugs).

That evening over "dinner" (drinks served at a table with plates that will never be used), Peter and Rachel talk about their shared gap toothed smiles (that conversation was a dentist's dream as far as free promotion) and the fact that they have BOTH seen therapists.  Ha! That made me laugh.  He seemed anxious to share this tidbit and he even called it a "relationship therapist" which felt like a weird way for him to qualify his need to get some counseling.  Dude, let it rip!  Everybody's in therapy! Aint no shame! Rachel gives Peter a kiss and a rose and they watch some fireworks. In keeping with the animal date theme, Rachel says she's a "smitten kitten for Peter" which is SO cute! Rachel can do no wrong! She's just so damn charming and lovely!

The next day is the "SWISH" group date and the gang is Will (pretty forgettable), Jamey (white guy who has said nothing except that he thinks he has a good face and hair), Diggy (YES! Handsome black guy from Chicago, rad glasses), Alex (white guy with accent who likes to hang out with his parents and with strips of raw meat), Adam (white guy who is cute but will never live down the creepy doll thing), Lee (singer/songwriter/nightmare), Matt (white guy from CT who arrived in a penguin suit and seems bland), Eric (black guy who arrived in a tan suit and seems intense), Josiah (black guy, lawyer, cute), and DeMario (black guy, lil intense).

The crew assembles at a gym where Rachel is rocking an effortless Sporty Spice look (love it) and DeMario is laying it on THICK.  Then outta nowhere, who arrives but hit actor featured in AIRPLANE!, Kareem Abdul Jabbar (who apparently also spent some time playing hoops before he BROKE THROUGH as a brilliant comedic actor).  Kareem is hugely likeable and trots out some inspirational tidbits about how teamwork is important in life and in love yadda yadda yadda.  The guys work on some drills under the watchful eyes of Rachel and Kareem and we spot a budding romance between Rachel and DeMario, so YOU KNOW something bad is about to happen.



The dudes split up into 2 teams (purple vs. white) and have a super mini basketball game in front of a "packed house" (apparently the new definition of "packed house" is when 3 out of 5 sections of dinky high school bleachers are full).  One team wins and another team loses (who cares which is which, ya know? Such is life. You must go through winter to appreciate spring, you must suffer some injustices to appreciate good things, there is a season to everything, yes I am turning into a hippie dippy weirdo between these parenthesis) and post-game, the teams retire to the locker room while Rachel takes selfies with fans.

One girl sits Rachel down and drops a bombshell--her name is Lexi she's wearing an unflattering, white girl flesh toned shirt (WHY DO THEY DO THIS?) and a SCRUNCHIE on her wrist (did anyone else notice that?), but she didn't stop Rachel for fashion advice (though she should), she stopped her to share the news that she and DeMario dated for SEVEN MONTHS until he GHOSTED her to go on The Bachelorette.  DeMario never dumped her, never communicated what was going on--he simply ditched town and then Lexi and her beloved scrunchie saw him on TV in After the Final Rose. Wooooooow.  Rachel immediately gets DeMario from the locker room and he walks into the gym probably thinking that he's getting a rose then he sees Lexi and says "ohhhhh!!" as if he recognizes her, then changes course and says "who's this?" Oh fuuuuck you, DeMario.  THEN, as if he can't make himself look any worse, in response to Lexi's insistence that he still has the keys to her apartment, he was in her bed mere weeks before he went on the show, he says "SHE IS PSYCHO."

NOPE.
No.
No.
No, DeMario.

Calling a woman "psycho" is the favorite move of low key misogynists who are trying to pull a fast one on a woman, but want HER to seem like the irrational, crazy, problem one.  And people are finally calling it for what it is--manipulation, gaslighting, and a trick used to make a woman feel afraid to point it out when a man is treating her like shit.  The fantastic parody Women's Magazine website Reductress has one of my favorite takes on this:

I'm Sorry I Was Being So Crazy While You Were Treating Me Like Shit.  

Rachel gives them both time to talk, but DeMario has NO leg to stand on.  DeMario claims that this situation is "personal life stuff" which pisses off Rachel because THIS--THIS RIGHT HERE--THIS SHOW, THIS is HER personal life stuff.  She remains calm and asks DeMario a few questions to try and make sense of the situation, then she looks at the texts on Lexi's phone (at Lexi's urging).  Rachel simply asks DeMario, WHY did you cut off communication? Why didn't you simply TELL Lexi what you were doing or where you were going?

Then Rachel says something that I would like to have painted on my friggin' accent wall so that I review it every morning, "I'm not there to be played, I'm not here to be made a joke of" and I was screaming YESSS GIRL!  She closes with, "I'm really going to need for you to get the F out" and she walks off.  Now THAT is how it's done, my friends.  If it SEEMS sorta fishy and weird, IT IS, so trust your gut and WALK AWAY from ANY dude who seems dishonest or opportunistic ESPECIALLY if he refers to his ex-GF as a "psycho."

At the afterparty, Rachel looks gorgeous in a gunmetal, silk, sparkly slip dress and most of the guys work hard to make her feel safe, that she can trust them, and that she is protected, but Josiah does it the most and the best and is rewarded with a rose.

The next day it's RAINING and the weather matches the somber mood in the house, which Iggy phrases by saying "there's a theoretical cloud over the house."  Ummm buddy, actually there's probably a REAL cloud over the house but perhaps you mean there is ALSO a METAPHORICAL cloud over the house.  Good Lord where do these people learn to talk so dumb?

The men get ready for a rose ceremony and Rachel arrives in her best dress yet--black, floor length, sleeveless with KILLER gold edging on the arms/neckline, plus a gorgeous gold belt.  It's like a 70s disco dream and you KNOW how I love my 70s style clothing.  She chats excitedly with Bryan (chiropractor who got First Impression Rose last week) and is slowly getting her groove back after the DeMario drama when who shows up in the Bachelor Manse drive way but DEMARIO!!  Goodness gracious can anyone simply leave this show with their tail between their legs, or must they ALL return in order to save face, only to make things even worse?

A security staffer greets DeMario and brings Chris Harrison down to the driveway so that he and DeMario can talk.  Chris Harrison goes up to the house to fill Rachel in on what is happening and a few guys overhear, so THEY head down the driveway also.

We were left with a dramatic "TO BE CONTINUED" so we'll have to wait and find out what happens next week but I am PRAYING for a giant, street brawl that's DeMario versus Everyone.

See you next week, friends!