Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Bachelorette Rachel Ep 6: Hours 3 and 4

How are we doing out there, Bachelor Nation?  Have you overdosed on Bach this week?  Watching FOUR HOURS of The Bachelorette, even split up over 2 days, is still A LOT.  Mama needs to see her friends/leave her house occasionally, ABC!

OK so I recapped Monday night's episode already (see previous post) and I ditched out somewhat abruptly AND I think I managed to misplaced my complete notes for that one (dammit, Coppock! What do we pay you for here on this 'ole blog? What's what--we don't PAY you?  You write these recaps for the love of the game (of love)? Wow that line makes us all cringe but, hey, back to work, kiddo!).

OK so who knows where I left off.  All I know is this--episode 6 kicks off with the infamous Bachelor/Bachelorette TWO on ONE which ALWAYS takes place in a CREEPY no man's land (on an island with a Voodoo sorceress last season, on a tropical island during boring Ben's season, in the straight up EMPTY woods during Jojo's season, in the Badlands during Chris "So I Became An Alleged Murderer" Soules's season) and this season is no different.  Professional wrestler and proud papa Kenny and professional gaslighter and freelance racist Lee are dropped into a rustic living room set that has been plopped in the Norwegian wilderness.  Oh and Rachel is there, also, but this isn't about Rachel.  This is about Lee attempting to control the situation but failing and Kenny trying to keep his cool while assuring Rachel that he did NOT rip Lee's tiny body out of a van.

Rachel has 1:1 conversations with each guy (while they all FREEZE) and she reassures Kenny that she knows he's sincere and she trusts him.  Kenny spends the conversation talking about their relationship and briefly touching on Lee drama.  Lee does the opposite and spends his short 1:1 time with Rachel whining that Kenny has called him a bitch (ha!) and a snake, tried to rip him from a van, and threatened to shit in his boots (HAHA!).  He tries to insinuate that Kenny has a temper, saying that Kenny only reveals his dark side when he drinks and I officially HATE Lee. I mean, I already did, but dude, don't try to act like Kenny has some chemical dependency issues and a temper that switches on when he's boozed up.  YOU are antagonizing him and you won't stop and he reacts. Blech. Thankfully, Rachel sees right through Lee and she tells him as much, saying that she doesn't trust him, she wishes him luck in the future, goodbye.  (Note: just before this, Kenny was CACKLING and successfully spooked Lee which was DELIGHTFUL to watch.)


Kenny drops some CHOICE WORDS and I love it.

"Hi, I'm Lee and I'm sitting like I'm all casual but in reality I'm very spooked AND I'm a bitch."

Rachel holds off on giving Kenny the rose, instead asking him if they can spend some alone time and talk more, and walks to the helicopter with him.  Kenny puts Rachel in the helicopter AND THEN MAKES HER SIT ALONE AND WAIT FOR HIM as he goes BACK to Lee to finish berating him.  Dude.  Come on.  You won--let's fly outta here for the standard dramatic Bachelorette exit!  Didn't you watch the helicopter exit when Olivia was left on a friggin' sand dune?  Time to bounce!

That night, Rachel and Kenny have a heart-to-heart, make out, and he scores the rose.

The guys are standing around as Lee's luggage is removed from the hotel suite and we hardly get ANY reaction out of them. COME ON, GUYS! Don't you know how to play to the camera? When the house pariah Kelsey (that Austin widow chick from Chris Soules's season) was sent home, the other gals literally were POPPING BOTTLES.

The next day it's rose ceremony time and Josiah is all smiles, exclaiming, "I FEEL GOOD" so we know he's about to be sent home.  Rachel arrives in a classic car wearing a phenomenal sparkly, silver dress that's floor length and has a major slit up the leg.  Her style is so disco 70s and it's THE BEST.  Will, Kenny, and Bryan already have roses.  Who does she pick this round?

-Dean (white guy who learns about race relations from Eric later this episode and just frigging LISTENS to Eric talk about the black experience, which was really refreshing to watch. It's not that hard! Just listen to people tell you about their expeirences!)
-Eric (black guy rocking black suit, green shirt)
-Peter (white guy wearing a dark suit and a SCARF that's there one moment, not there the next. Sweet continuity, Bachelorette producers!)
-Alex (white guy hot Russian dude who is JACKED)
-Adam (white guy who is still somehow here)
-Matt (another white guy who is still somehow here)

So who is going home?

ANTHONY and JOSIAH!!

Both guys hug Rachel and leave quickly.  I'm very sad to see Anthony go, as he is an old soul who has such a calm way about him and I really liked that.  Josiah just didn't ask Rachel enough questions about herself and even when she TOLD HIM, he didn't quite change course.  Good luck, buddy.

The remaining 9 guys and Rachel hop a plane to Copenhagen, Denmark where Eric gets a 1:1 and does SO well with Rachel.  They have a lovely day exploring Copenhagen and he inquires about her life, her likes, her family (nice), and then he opens up about HIS family (his mom, specifically), which was a tear jerker of a scene. Eric has definitely grown on me--now if he'd only sit up straight.  He scores a rose.

The next day is a group date for Dean, Kenny, Bryan, Alex, Matt, Peter, and Adam and it's a SUPER FUN day of ROWING a Viking ship among other tourist men who appear to be in their 60s! Rock and roll! The crew lands on an island where 2 locals teach them "Viking Games" (brutal "games" that mostly involve shoving people out of a circle and wearing unflattering clothes).  Kenny and Adam are the best at said games, and their booby prize for that superiority is that they BOTH get to end up with bloody, busted eyes.  CONGRATS, GUYS!!!!

That night at the after party Rachel and Bryan get hot and heavy (he is definitely making it to hometown dates), Rachel tells Peter that she's his muse (weird), Matt informs Rachel that Kenny may be struggling, and finally Kenny talks to her about that.  Rachel shoots him straight, saying that there is potential between them, but she doesn't know FOR SURE, so she shouldn't keep him away from his daughter any longer.  Kenny and Rachel have a LOVELY hug and kiss goodbye--I haven't seen a breakup that amicable since an old beau Jack and I did a high 5 as our breakup (over the years I saw him again and began to hate, him, though, so it's not ALL peace and rainbows).  Peter gets the rose at the end of that date.

The next day is Rachel and Will's 1:1 date and try as he might NOT, Will just can't seem get a romantic dynamic going with Rachel.  He scarcely touches her--awkwardly standing next to her as though they are siblings on a family before one of them leaves for college.

Will's a fan of the 'ole "leave a few inches between you and your partner FOR THE LORD."

That night they get dressed up (Rachel in a black turtleneck, fuzzy grey sweater, tall boots, looking gorgeous as always) and she tries her damndest to crack Will, asking assorted questions, trying to get a sense of why he hardly touched her all day, what is going on here.  In response to her question, "what do you look for?" Will responds, "I've typically dated white girls" which is NOT the right answer there, buddy.  He then tries to backtrack saying, "mostly, not only" but dude, the question was WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR?  You could recite some personality traits, if nothing else.  Whatever you like, just DON'T lead with "what do I look for? Well, mostly not what you are," essentially.  She inquires about how he conducts himself within a relationship and, in so many words, he seems to say that he used to sleep around but he no longer does that (said he was very passionate in relationships, perhaps too passionate, too physical, so now he's pulling back).  So he claims to be passionate/physical, but hasn't been that way with Rachel AT ALL and also, he mostly dates white women. Hmmmm. Rachel wisely says that this just feels like they're hanging out in the friend zone, let's get our umbrellas and say "farvel" (goodbye in Danish).

It's time for the second rose ceremony of the episode and that's one too many rose ceremonies! I can't handle this!  Rachel quotes Shakespeare ("to thine own self be true") then gives out roses, but mama's just TOO DARN TIRED to mock every guy, one by one.  WHO HAVE I BECOME if I am too tired to do my LIFE'S WORK?

I know, I know.

Let's only point out the loser for a change of pace.

ALEX!!! Aka Eastern European/Commie Russian HOTTIE who had a man bun recently and has been jacked as hell always.  Sigh. He rocks a black suit, black shit, and pink tie, looking like a dude who is selling drugs in a Meatpacking District dance club.

So somehow, Adam and Matt are still in this thing while Peter, Eric, Bryan, and Dean are STRONG contenders.  My money is on Adam and Matt NOT making it to hometowns, but who knows? As Rachel told us, I guess we just gotta let her--and--lead the way!

You can listen to THE FANTASY SUITE, the amazing Bachelorette/Bachelor podcast where Dava Krause and I break it all down for you, right here.

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