Lovers!
On Sunday night while most of America watched the 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live, Bachelor Nation witnessed tears from the unlikeliest of places (former Bachelorette Andi and shower hater Britt), a Friday Night Lights-themed date, and Carly serving as the spiritual guide to Chris Soules.
The first hour of Sunday night's show was a "Chris Tells All" special, which we have never seen this early in the season. Chris weighed in on some of the zanier characters (legit crazy Ashley S., blonde booze hounds Tara and Jordan, Jillian and her bizarre hypotheticals about homeless humps) but he wasn't the only one who got time on camera. Kelsey came back, smug as ever, and further rambled about her eloquence then proceeded to use the word "ameliorate" wrong. The Bach editors did the Lord's work when they cut up shots of smug Kelsey claiming to take the high road and saying that she really respects Ashley I. and thinks she's an amazing person interspersed with her taking cheap shots at the "Kardashian" who she insinuates is dumb and low class. Andi Dofman always returned to talk about her break-up from Josh (Armpit Tats who used to be a pro baseball player and refuses to stop talking about it), which she says they had been struggling with for a while (because you picked a TOTAL JERK, girl!). Andi's emotional and says the breakup was mutual and caused by their shared inability to support each other (ouch) and Chris Harrison gives her some kind words. Enough of this talking head therapy stuff--we want action! Drama! Tears in different settings!
Back in the game, Kelsey and Ashley I. have just been dumped in the Badlands and the remaining ladies and Chris are at the cocktail party. Chris pulls aside Megan (who is single-handedly keeping the notion of dumb blondes alive) and she says quite candidly that she thinks they aren't moving forward and other girls are. Chris agrees and they part ways gracefully which STUNS the remaining 6 women. Britt has her arms around someone (as always) and it finally hits me that she's one of those girls who is just much too touchy-feely with her friends. Do you know the type I mean? I get it, you're FRIENDS! Chris Harrison tells the ladies that there WILL still be a rose ceremony but then Chris Soules says that there will NOT be a rose ceremony and everybody's going to Iowa!
They land in Des Moines and the 6 remaining ladies walk around downtown while Britt rocks a look that's best described as "L.A. Trash" (paper bagged sweatpants, really?) before Jade gets the first 1:1 date of the episode.
Jade is driven to Arlington (population: 400) where she sees Chris' house (holy bland bedroom sets, Batman!), cruises with him on his motorcycle, and attends a local high school football game with him. Varsity Blues has got nothing on that date (though a whipped cream bikini would have really spiced things up). Chris and Jade walk around his former high school where Jade tells him that she had a rebellious streak in her younger years (oh just you wait, Prince Farming) and they make out by the lockers.
Back at the hotel, the ladies are gathered around and it looks like a lipstick commercial thanks to Britt (bold red), Kaitlyn (fierce fuscia), and Becca (nude lip--a girl after my own heart!). The next 1:1 goes to Whitney (voice like nails on a chalk board) and Britt is finally getting a sense of what life is like for all the other girls. It's tough, huh, Red Lips?
For their 1:1, Whitney dresses up like she's about to attend a Pearl Jam concert circa 1994 and they pose for kissing photos all over Des Moines. Whitney is perfectly nice but she's just a bit over enthusiastic and annoying for my taste, but she definitely grew on me during their date. They go out for drinks that evening (and walk by a crowd of excited Des Moinans--is that what you call them?) and meet up with 3 of Chris' buddies at the bar. Chris' pals lob some tough questions at Whitney and she handles them with aplomb, then tells Chris that she has no parents (was raised by a single mom who died unexpectedly about 10 years ago) and suddenly I find Whitney's bubbly nature much more charming and compelling than I did just a moment before. They exit the restaurant to find a poorly-drawn version of their outdoor photo as a mural against the restaurant's wall. Whitney is so excited by it that she straddles Chris (there was a whole lotta straddling going on in that episode).
While Whitney and Chris were canoodling all over Des Moines, Carly, Britt, Kaitlyn, and Becca (remember her? Silent virgin this episode) take a road trip to Arlington to "see the sights" and learn just how small it is.
Later, Jade confides in Carly that she posed for Playboy a few years ago and that her father learned about it via a co-worker. Yikes! She wants to tell Chris about it before he finds out on his own and Carly wonders if this will be a deal-breaker for Prince Farming, saying, "hey mom, don't google my wife." Oh Carly, you are the greatest.
It's time for a group date of Chris, Britt, Kaitlyn, and Carly. Britt continues to boggle my mind with her hipster/juvenile/90s grunge/LA trash fashion choices and Kaitlyn grows on me, which I never would have seen coming a few weeks ago. The foursome skates around an ice rink, has some 1:1 conversation time, then has drinks in an antiques store. Carly shoots straight with Chris, saying that Britt pronounced that she could NEVER live in Arlington after this road trip. That is not the line that Britt has been selling Chris and Bachelor Nation holds its collective breath that Chris will see Britt for what she really is--a Hollywood-based "waitress" (actress) who is on the show in hopes of scoring her own lipstick line (and/or D list fame). Kaitlyn and Chris have an honest talk about how she started out strong but has felt insecure the past few weeks and Chris gives her a rose, meaning she'll definitely be taking Chris up to Canada to mer the parents.
For the first time this season, Britt is NOT showered with attention via Chris and she's ANGRY. That's what everyone else has been feeling all season, girl. Welcome to the normal club. Chris and Kaitlyn return and Britt shakes her head at Chris, gives him a death stare, and then insinuates that she wouldn't want to introduce him to her parents. Carly looks off but probably smiles as Britt reveals her true colors (it aint all bold lipstick--if Britt aint happy, aint nobody happy) and Chris seems shocked to see this side of her. Carly has been doing important work and I applaud her for it! Britt tries to justify her tantrum, saying "I only have one family" as though that's not the normal state of affairs for MOST people.
That night all of the gals except Britt have a chat about how much she did herself in with her tantrum. I think she did and I can't wait to see tonight's episode!
Showing posts with label roses. Show all posts
Showing posts with label roses. Show all posts
Monday, February 16, 2015
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Bachelor Chris Recap - Ep 4: We Get It, You're A Virgin!
It's that time in the season when the episodes get juicier and more exciting and I lose my ability to crank our recaps quickly. I'm sorry! We got hit with a weirdo storm and I have had a ton of gigs--there are just too many good things going on in my vida loca!
So this recap is going to be as succinct as I can muster (which isn't especially succinct because I'm a rambling man when it comes to talking smack).
Chris Harrison gives the remaining ladies the lay of the land: this week there will be 2 group dates and a single one-on-one date for a girl who will be chosen by Chris' 3 blonde sisters. Yes, it's a family affair and if you want to charm the sisters, you had better love playing Ghosts In the Graveyard! (Remember Andi's season, Bachelor Nation?)
The first group date is Megan (blonde kinda bland), Kaitlyn (hella tiresome Canadian "comedian"), Ashley S. (*dut dut du do du da doo do dut dut du do du doo do* that's a transcription of the guitar opening to "Crazy Train" obviously), Ashley I. (wanna be Kardashian virgin), Juelia (baby mama with a late husband), Samantha (brunette who has said ZERO words so far this season--it's like a new record for getting NO time on camera), Mackenzie (I bet was big into the X Files), Kelsey (short haired widow). The date card says "let's do what feels natural" and the ladies crack a bunch of jokes about how much make-up they all wear 24/7. It's true--the only girl who occasionally rocks a bare face is Jillian and when she does, I compare her to Mr. Bigglesworth. Like the old saying goes: Damned if you do, hairless cat look-alike if you don't. They load up some vintage convertibles (I hope somebody brought along spray in conditioner because convertibles may be fun but they are MISERY on loose hair) and drive to a lake where they spend the day swimming, drinking, and boating.
Ashley I. is looking for a way to "break out of her shyness" and she finds it in taking off her American flag bikini top and jumping off the floating dock. Kaitlyn follows suit (NO PUN INTENDED BUT OMG HOW MUCH DO I RULE WITH THE SWIMSUIT JOKES?) and strips off her bikini bottoms before jumping in the water. Short haired Kelsey is NOT happy and says that this is a date made for bimbos. She says that there are better lakes in Michigan and refers to this one as a "hell hole" (hey, at least you know where you stand in a HELL HOLE, right?), she'd like to stab herself in the eye with a fork, and then gets stung by a bee right in the crotch area. Somebody has had a lil too much birthday. We're seeing the first seeds of Two Faced Kelsey emerge--she's whiney and negative around he girls but turns on the charm in front of Chris. Aha--one of you appears every season--it's just a matter of who will play that role.
Oh, but the day isn't over after the final game of Red Rover (the worst game in the world)--the gang is going to be CAMPING OUT! As they erect their tents, Mackenzie cracks jokes about holes and insertion (cause she's 21 going on 13) and makes more comments about aliens (this is the 2nd time she has brought up aliens, as Bachelorette alum Nick Peterson shrewdly noticed).
That night the crew gathers around the campfire to drink whiskey, dance, and tell scary stories by the flashlight. Ashley S. has one-on-one time with Chris during which she asks him "what are you?" over and over; Kelsey sulks until she gets some alone time with Chris and then she flips a switch and becomes a giggling, bubbly fun time gal; and Ashley I. says something about how much she likes Chris that involves the phrase "you don't even know, " proving once and for all that she IS Bobby Bottleservice. In the middle of the night, Ashley "I was born in an Ed Hardy T-shirt" I. goes to Chris' tent and confesses to him that she's inexperienced "in every way possible" (GET IT?) and that "basically, like, so far I feel like I’ve been portrayed as not how I am" (wait 'till the producers cut up your outtakes, girl) and finally, that despite her looks and attitude, she's actually a nerd (OH I BELIEVE YOU, Ashley!). Chris is half asleep and seems confused, but Ashley exits his tent feeling reassured that they had a good, honest conversation.
While these ladies are getting the smell of campfire embedded into their expertly-curled hair, back at the house Chris' 3 sisters Jackie, Laurie, and Lisa are interviewing the housebound ladies. The sisters are tough interviewers and don't pull any punches, inquiring about the girls' dating histories and willingness to move to Iowa. Jade admits that she's a model (but recently launched a make-up line), Britt says that she sees herself as the front runner, and Carly wins my heart by getting emotional and saying that guys haven't been very nice to her, as far as dating goes. Oh girl. I get you SO MUCH. I'm sorry I ever mocked you, sweet cruise ship performer. If you want to hear ME get emotional about how guys weren't very nice to me, listen to my episode of RISK here. But I digress!
I would have bet big money that Carly's sweet words would win her the 1:1 date card (as selected by the trio of blonde sisters), but Jade is the victor. Once the girls are assembled back in the Bachelor Manse the next day, Jade is whisked away (well, not that far away--just to another room) where a faux fairy godmother helps her pick out a dress, jewelry, and shoes. Ashley I. is extremely jealous as she watches the Cinderella scene unfold, saying that SHE should haven been chosen for the princess date, not the camping date. Is there anything sadder than watching a grown woman who is obsessed with recreating the toxic gender dynamics of a fairy tale?
Yeah there is--watching a professional orchestra serenade a bachelor and his surprise date while they muddle through some bush league ballroom dancing moves on an elevated platform. Jade and Chris have a good date, though, and share that they have both been engaged before. They dance on that platform, watch a clip of Disney's new Cinderella (there was nothing subtle about that product placement), then Jade runs off as the clock strikes midnight (but doesn't lose a shoe OR fall down the stairs--I was hoping for a more exiting exit).
The final group date is Nikki (former NFL cheerleader with giant eyes), Jillian (hairless cat gym rat), Whitney (voice like nails on a chalkboard), Carly (my soul mate in hair color and life experiences), Britt (wears make-up in her sleep), and Becca (slow burn who RULZ) and it involves each girl putting on a white wedding dress, flying to San Francisco, and going through a Tough Mudder-style muddy obstacle course. The challenge was like a miniature Running of the Brides at Filene's Basement (BOSTON!) but with fewer ladies and more dirt. Jillian is insanely competitive so she wins the challenge (of course), but loses the war (Chris).
During their dinner date (that Jillian wins as a result of coming in first place on the obstacle course), Jillian won't shut up about sports, lifting, dirty jokes, and her hatred of planning and goal setting (because she's just good at stuff and it comes naturally, you guys). She comes up for air during a brief moment during which Chris takes the rose in his hand and then sends her home. Talk about a fake out! She starts crying, says "situation" a million times, and regrets not revealing herself sooner, but that's not the issue here, girl! You DID reveal yourself just now and Chris don't like it. Ciao!
Before we know it, it's cocktail party time and Megan's look is far too uniform in color (all tan/gold) but she soldiers on with a weird fondue "date" during which she makes Chris eat chocolate covered fruit while blindfolded then guess what he is eating. She doesn't know how many senses we have and I sense that she'll be sent home soon. Heyo!
Ashley I. continues to be 26 going on 14 and she pulls Chris aside to inform him for the second time that she's a virgin but IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL and don't take it too seriously! Just look up at the skywriting up there, it says "I'M A VIRGIN -ASHLEY I."--can you see it? She reports back to her bizarre fairy God Pimp, Mackenzie (who is acting oddly mature for a 21-year-old alien conspiracy theorist) then breaks down in tears. During this drama Becca reveals that she, too, is a virgin but in her case it is ACTUALLY not a big deal. Oh Becca, you have great hair and a great way about you. Keep on trucking! Britt snaps at Chris about the camping date and the fact that Kaitlyn took off her bikini bottoms and that said "behavior and action was validated" by her receiving a rose. Well well well, Britt--SOMEBODY has been reading self help books!
Finally it's rose ceremony time. Kaitlyn and Jade already have roses. Who will live to see another week chez Bach?
Whitney - will Chris EVER tire of that voice (not to mention personality)? We can only hope.
Carly - me, if I were to live in the Bachelor Manse
Megan - blonde dummy (though I gotta note: the first 3 ladies picked are BLONDIES! Yahooo!)
Samantha - will she utter a single word this season? STAY TUNED!
McKenzie - alien believer who knows the value of a virgin (#horrible)
Kelsey - short haired TWO FACE
Becca - keep an eye on this girl--she's going places! (Places = fantasy suite)
Ashley I. - next week the baby deer announces that her hymen is in tact ONE MORE TIME!
Britt - last place for the girl who thinks SHE is the favorite! That's what we call eating HUMBLE PIE!
So who is hitting the bricks? Ashley S. (I truly hope that she gets the help that she needs and finds a more stable cocktail of meds), Nikki (time to get a job, huh, Former NFL Dancer?), and Juelia (time to go back to baby). Next week the crew heads to Santa Fe, New Mexico where Kelsey goes from being two faced to being straight-up hysterical. I can't wait!
So this recap is going to be as succinct as I can muster (which isn't especially succinct because I'm a rambling man when it comes to talking smack).
Chris Harrison gives the remaining ladies the lay of the land: this week there will be 2 group dates and a single one-on-one date for a girl who will be chosen by Chris' 3 blonde sisters. Yes, it's a family affair and if you want to charm the sisters, you had better love playing Ghosts In the Graveyard! (Remember Andi's season, Bachelor Nation?)
The first group date is Megan (blonde kinda bland), Kaitlyn (hella tiresome Canadian "comedian"), Ashley S. (*dut dut du do du da doo do dut dut du do du doo do* that's a transcription of the guitar opening to "Crazy Train" obviously), Ashley I. (wanna be Kardashian virgin), Juelia (baby mama with a late husband), Samantha (brunette who has said ZERO words so far this season--it's like a new record for getting NO time on camera), Mackenzie (I bet was big into the X Files), Kelsey (short haired widow). The date card says "let's do what feels natural" and the ladies crack a bunch of jokes about how much make-up they all wear 24/7. It's true--the only girl who occasionally rocks a bare face is Jillian and when she does, I compare her to Mr. Bigglesworth. Like the old saying goes: Damned if you do, hairless cat look-alike if you don't. They load up some vintage convertibles (I hope somebody brought along spray in conditioner because convertibles may be fun but they are MISERY on loose hair) and drive to a lake where they spend the day swimming, drinking, and boating.
 |
| Hi, I'm Kelsey! Just a bubbly Austin gal who HATES THESE BIMBOS! |
Oh, but the day isn't over after the final game of Red Rover (the worst game in the world)--the gang is going to be CAMPING OUT! As they erect their tents, Mackenzie cracks jokes about holes and insertion (cause she's 21 going on 13) and makes more comments about aliens (this is the 2nd time she has brought up aliens, as Bachelorette alum Nick Peterson shrewdly noticed).
That night the crew gathers around the campfire to drink whiskey, dance, and tell scary stories by the flashlight. Ashley S. has one-on-one time with Chris during which she asks him "what are you?" over and over; Kelsey sulks until she gets some alone time with Chris and then she flips a switch and becomes a giggling, bubbly fun time gal; and Ashley I. says something about how much she likes Chris that involves the phrase "you don't even know, " proving once and for all that she IS Bobby Bottleservice. In the middle of the night, Ashley "I was born in an Ed Hardy T-shirt" I. goes to Chris' tent and confesses to him that she's inexperienced "in every way possible" (GET IT?) and that "basically, like, so far I feel like I’ve been portrayed as not how I am" (wait 'till the producers cut up your outtakes, girl) and finally, that despite her looks and attitude, she's actually a nerd (OH I BELIEVE YOU, Ashley!). Chris is half asleep and seems confused, but Ashley exits his tent feeling reassured that they had a good, honest conversation.
 |
| Hi, I'm Ashley I. and I used to be an awkward nerd, if you can believe it. |
I would have bet big money that Carly's sweet words would win her the 1:1 date card (as selected by the trio of blonde sisters), but Jade is the victor. Once the girls are assembled back in the Bachelor Manse the next day, Jade is whisked away (well, not that far away--just to another room) where a faux fairy godmother helps her pick out a dress, jewelry, and shoes. Ashley I. is extremely jealous as she watches the Cinderella scene unfold, saying that SHE should haven been chosen for the princess date, not the camping date. Is there anything sadder than watching a grown woman who is obsessed with recreating the toxic gender dynamics of a fairy tale?
Yeah there is--watching a professional orchestra serenade a bachelor and his surprise date while they muddle through some bush league ballroom dancing moves on an elevated platform. Jade and Chris have a good date, though, and share that they have both been engaged before. They dance on that platform, watch a clip of Disney's new Cinderella (there was nothing subtle about that product placement), then Jade runs off as the clock strikes midnight (but doesn't lose a shoe OR fall down the stairs--I was hoping for a more exiting exit).
The final group date is Nikki (former NFL cheerleader with giant eyes), Jillian (hairless cat gym rat), Whitney (voice like nails on a chalkboard), Carly (my soul mate in hair color and life experiences), Britt (wears make-up in her sleep), and Becca (slow burn who RULZ) and it involves each girl putting on a white wedding dress, flying to San Francisco, and going through a Tough Mudder-style muddy obstacle course. The challenge was like a miniature Running of the Brides at Filene's Basement (BOSTON!) but with fewer ladies and more dirt. Jillian is insanely competitive so she wins the challenge (of course), but loses the war (Chris).
During their dinner date (that Jillian wins as a result of coming in first place on the obstacle course), Jillian won't shut up about sports, lifting, dirty jokes, and her hatred of planning and goal setting (because she's just good at stuff and it comes naturally, you guys). She comes up for air during a brief moment during which Chris takes the rose in his hand and then sends her home. Talk about a fake out! She starts crying, says "situation" a million times, and regrets not revealing herself sooner, but that's not the issue here, girl! You DID reveal yourself just now and Chris don't like it. Ciao!
Before we know it, it's cocktail party time and Megan's look is far too uniform in color (all tan/gold) but she soldiers on with a weird fondue "date" during which she makes Chris eat chocolate covered fruit while blindfolded then guess what he is eating. She doesn't know how many senses we have and I sense that she'll be sent home soon. Heyo!
Ashley I. continues to be 26 going on 14 and she pulls Chris aside to inform him for the second time that she's a virgin but IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL and don't take it too seriously! Just look up at the skywriting up there, it says "I'M A VIRGIN -ASHLEY I."--can you see it? She reports back to her bizarre fairy God Pimp, Mackenzie (who is acting oddly mature for a 21-year-old alien conspiracy theorist) then breaks down in tears. During this drama Becca reveals that she, too, is a virgin but in her case it is ACTUALLY not a big deal. Oh Becca, you have great hair and a great way about you. Keep on trucking! Britt snaps at Chris about the camping date and the fact that Kaitlyn took off her bikini bottoms and that said "behavior and action was validated" by her receiving a rose. Well well well, Britt--SOMEBODY has been reading self help books!
Finally it's rose ceremony time. Kaitlyn and Jade already have roses. Who will live to see another week chez Bach?
Whitney - will Chris EVER tire of that voice (not to mention personality)? We can only hope.
Carly - me, if I were to live in the Bachelor Manse
Megan - blonde dummy (though I gotta note: the first 3 ladies picked are BLONDIES! Yahooo!)
Samantha - will she utter a single word this season? STAY TUNED!
McKenzie - alien believer who knows the value of a virgin (#horrible)
Kelsey - short haired TWO FACE
Becca - keep an eye on this girl--she's going places! (Places = fantasy suite)
Ashley I. - next week the baby deer announces that her hymen is in tact ONE MORE TIME!
Britt - last place for the girl who thinks SHE is the favorite! That's what we call eating HUMBLE PIE!
So who is hitting the bricks? Ashley S. (I truly hope that she gets the help that she needs and finds a more stable cocktail of meds), Nikki (time to get a job, huh, Former NFL Dancer?), and Juelia (time to go back to baby). Next week the crew heads to Santa Fe, New Mexico where Kelsey goes from being two faced to being straight-up hysterical. I can't wait!
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 7 Recap
Amigos!
I couldn't watch last night's episode in its entirety, as I had my own dating ritual to conduct (a lot like The Bachelorette, only in my version I hand out whiskey shots instead of roses and sadly, Chris Harrison doesn't hang out with me) but I caught the first half and it was chock full of Bach goodies!
Desiree and her 5 remaining beaus traveled to Madiera (an island off Portugal) and we kicked off the episode with images of the posse arriving in Madiera by boat. The shots looked like a Ralph Lauren catalogue photo shoot (clean cut, preppy as hell, zero minorities) and there was a whole lotta shouting ("Hello!" "Madiera!" "I'm a tool!"(that last one is one I WISH they would yell)).
What's in store this week? Three one-on-one dates and a two-on-one date, but without the usual elimination from the two-on-one. As Desiree says, now it's about love and getting to know if one of these guys is a match for lifelong partnership. Aint nobody got time for rejections mid-date anymore!
Desiree called in some of her supposed best friends to help her make some dude decisions and wouldn't you know it, her besties are all gals from last season of The Bachelor! I guess that serving time as a crew of concubine cuties bonds you just as much as sorority pledging, because Desiree's "friends" are Catherine (Asian girl who won Sean's heart), Jackie (redhead from Sean's season who always looked great), and Lesley (blonde Arkansan from Sean's season). Desiree talks about the guys, saying that Drew has the best body and is the best kisser (ummm... SHOW OVER. I'm sorry, but those two items are good enough for me--wrap it up, kids--we have a winner) and that Zak is the most adventurous (ha--that's a nice way of saying he's an adult hyper hypo with ADD). The women stare at the guys with binoculars (I love a good stalker move!) and yell at Brooks to take off his shirt. Hell yeah, ladies!
The first 1:1 date is with Brooks and I have FINALLY put my finger on what I hate about him. He comes off as quite effeminate and wimpy overall, but last night I realized the problem is his VOICE. Lawdy lawdy could the guy speak in a tone that's a TOUGH higher than a friggin' whisper? Brooks, is your real name Brooks or are you one of the Yin Yang Twins cause this is some whisper song shit going on here! They do a driving trip during which they stand on the edge of a cliff (what, no metaphors about how falling in love is like falling off a cliff?) then drive up INTO the clouds so that they can break out every cloud-related analogy YOU HAVE EVER HEARD OF. Lawdy lawdy it was like watching a game of Secret Password when you think the word is something about clouds. They're on cloud 9! Their relationship just broke through the clouds (whatever THAT means)!
That evening Desiree rocks a dope, metallic miniskirt (she may be a poor man's Katie Holmes cheeseball, but I'm willing to admit when she dresses well) and have a candelit dinner, during which she showcases the fact that she doesn't know what an adjective is. Brooks says something about the adjectives between like and love (a bit odd, but whatever) and she then suggests the following words: stepping, skipping, jogging, running, finish line. Errrrmmmm... wah!?!? GIRL. Did you not attend 6th grade? (Probs no, since you say "times that" instead of "multiply that," but I digress). Stepping, skipping, jogging, running--those are VERBS and to get a lil fancier, those are also gerunds. (I love a good gerund, don't you? My fave is probably "dangling" since it's a gerund about what modifiers do--HEYO!) The last item in your list, Desiree, "finish line" is not a verb OR an adjective, but rather a noun. Please try to be consistent in your idiocy, if nothing else. Brooks appeared supremely confused by her ignorance of adjectives, but that didn't stop him from saying he'd love to bring her home to meet the parents. Nice.
Up next is a 1:1 with Chris and the pair board a dope yacht where they strip down to swimsuits and rub sunblock on each other (apparently people actually DO that when trying to be sexy--I always thought it was an urban legend... well, not urban really--a beach legend. Whatever--I'm saying that stuff like that only happens in 80s teen movies.)
That's where I had to jet to do my make-up, so I'll write the rest of this recap very soon. I love you, sweet jazzy cats!!
I couldn't watch last night's episode in its entirety, as I had my own dating ritual to conduct (a lot like The Bachelorette, only in my version I hand out whiskey shots instead of roses and sadly, Chris Harrison doesn't hang out with me) but I caught the first half and it was chock full of Bach goodies!
Desiree and her 5 remaining beaus traveled to Madiera (an island off Portugal) and we kicked off the episode with images of the posse arriving in Madiera by boat. The shots looked like a Ralph Lauren catalogue photo shoot (clean cut, preppy as hell, zero minorities) and there was a whole lotta shouting ("Hello!" "Madiera!" "I'm a tool!"(that last one is one I WISH they would yell)).
What's in store this week? Three one-on-one dates and a two-on-one date, but without the usual elimination from the two-on-one. As Desiree says, now it's about love and getting to know if one of these guys is a match for lifelong partnership. Aint nobody got time for rejections mid-date anymore!
Desiree called in some of her supposed best friends to help her make some dude decisions and wouldn't you know it, her besties are all gals from last season of The Bachelor! I guess that serving time as a crew of concubine cuties bonds you just as much as sorority pledging, because Desiree's "friends" are Catherine (Asian girl who won Sean's heart), Jackie (redhead from Sean's season who always looked great), and Lesley (blonde Arkansan from Sean's season). Desiree talks about the guys, saying that Drew has the best body and is the best kisser (ummm... SHOW OVER. I'm sorry, but those two items are good enough for me--wrap it up, kids--we have a winner) and that Zak is the most adventurous (ha--that's a nice way of saying he's an adult hyper hypo with ADD). The women stare at the guys with binoculars (I love a good stalker move!) and yell at Brooks to take off his shirt. Hell yeah, ladies!
The first 1:1 date is with Brooks and I have FINALLY put my finger on what I hate about him. He comes off as quite effeminate and wimpy overall, but last night I realized the problem is his VOICE. Lawdy lawdy could the guy speak in a tone that's a TOUGH higher than a friggin' whisper? Brooks, is your real name Brooks or are you one of the Yin Yang Twins cause this is some whisper song shit going on here! They do a driving trip during which they stand on the edge of a cliff (what, no metaphors about how falling in love is like falling off a cliff?) then drive up INTO the clouds so that they can break out every cloud-related analogy YOU HAVE EVER HEARD OF. Lawdy lawdy it was like watching a game of Secret Password when you think the word is something about clouds. They're on cloud 9! Their relationship just broke through the clouds (whatever THAT means)!
That evening Desiree rocks a dope, metallic miniskirt (she may be a poor man's Katie Holmes cheeseball, but I'm willing to admit when she dresses well) and have a candelit dinner, during which she showcases the fact that she doesn't know what an adjective is. Brooks says something about the adjectives between like and love (a bit odd, but whatever) and she then suggests the following words: stepping, skipping, jogging, running, finish line. Errrrmmmm... wah!?!? GIRL. Did you not attend 6th grade? (Probs no, since you say "times that" instead of "multiply that," but I digress). Stepping, skipping, jogging, running--those are VERBS and to get a lil fancier, those are also gerunds. (I love a good gerund, don't you? My fave is probably "dangling" since it's a gerund about what modifiers do--HEYO!) The last item in your list, Desiree, "finish line" is not a verb OR an adjective, but rather a noun. Please try to be consistent in your idiocy, if nothing else. Brooks appeared supremely confused by her ignorance of adjectives, but that didn't stop him from saying he'd love to bring her home to meet the parents. Nice.
Up next is a 1:1 with Chris and the pair board a dope yacht where they strip down to swimsuits and rub sunblock on each other (apparently people actually DO that when trying to be sexy--I always thought it was an urban legend... well, not urban really--a beach legend. Whatever--I'm saying that stuff like that only happens in 80s teen movies.)
That's where I had to jet to do my make-up, so I'll write the rest of this recap very soon. I love you, sweet jazzy cats!!
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