Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 7 Recap

Amigos!

I couldn't watch last night's episode in its entirety, as I had my own dating ritual to conduct (a lot like The Bachelorette, only in my version I hand out whiskey shots instead of roses and sadly, Chris Harrison doesn't hang out with me) but I caught the first half and it was chock full of Bach goodies!

Desiree and her 5 remaining beaus traveled to Madiera (an island off Portugal) and we kicked off the episode with images of the posse arriving in Madiera by boat.  The shots looked like a Ralph Lauren catalogue photo shoot (clean cut, preppy as hell, zero minorities) and there was a whole lotta shouting ("Hello!" "Madiera!" "I'm a tool!"(that last one is one I WISH they would yell)).

What's in store this week?  Three one-on-one dates and a two-on-one date, but without the usual elimination from the two-on-one.  As Desiree says, now it's about love and getting to know if one of these guys is a match for lifelong partnership.  Aint nobody got time for rejections mid-date anymore!

Desiree called in some of her supposed best friends to help her make some dude decisions and wouldn't you know it, her besties are all gals from last season of The Bachelor!  I guess that serving time as a crew of concubine cuties bonds you just as much as sorority pledging, because Desiree's "friends" are Catherine (Asian girl who won Sean's heart), Jackie (redhead from Sean's season who always looked great), and Lesley (blonde Arkansan from Sean's season).  Desiree talks about the guys, saying that Drew has the best body and is the best kisser (ummm... SHOW OVER.  I'm sorry, but those two items are good enough for me--wrap it up, kids--we have a winner) and that Zak is the most adventurous (ha--that's a nice way of saying he's an adult hyper hypo with ADD).  The women stare at the guys with binoculars (I love a good stalker move!) and yell at Brooks to take off his shirt.  Hell yeah, ladies!

The first 1:1 date is with Brooks and I have FINALLY put my finger on what I hate about him.  He comes off as quite effeminate and wimpy overall, but last night I realized the problem is his VOICE.  Lawdy lawdy could the guy speak in a tone that's a TOUGH higher than a friggin' whisper?  Brooks, is your real name Brooks or are you one of the Yin Yang Twins cause this is some whisper song shit going on here!  They do a driving trip during which they stand on the edge of a cliff (what, no metaphors about how falling in love is like falling off a cliff?) then drive up INTO the clouds so that they can break out every cloud-related analogy YOU HAVE EVER HEARD OF.  Lawdy lawdy it was like watching a game of Secret Password when you think the word is something about clouds.  They're on cloud 9!  Their relationship just broke through the clouds (whatever THAT means)!

That evening Desiree rocks a dope, metallic miniskirt (she may be a poor man's Katie Holmes cheeseball, but I'm willing to admit when she dresses well) and have a candelit dinner, during which she showcases the fact that she doesn't know what an adjective is.  Brooks says something about the adjectives between like and love (a bit odd, but whatever) and she then suggests the following words: stepping, skipping, jogging, running, finish line.  Errrrmmmm... wah!?!?  GIRL.  Did you not attend 6th grade?  (Probs no, since you say "times that" instead of "multiply that," but I digress).  Stepping, skipping, jogging, running--those are VERBS and to get a lil fancier, those are also gerunds.  (I love a good gerund, don't you?  My fave is probably "dangling" since it's a gerund about what modifiers do--HEYO!)  The last item in your list, Desiree, "finish line" is not a verb OR an adjective, but rather a noun.  Please try to be consistent in your idiocy, if nothing else.  Brooks appeared supremely confused by her ignorance of adjectives, but that didn't stop him from saying he'd love to bring her home to meet the parents.  Nice.

Up next is a 1:1 with Chris and the pair board a dope yacht where they strip down to swimsuits and rub sunblock on each other (apparently people actually DO that when trying to be sexy--I always thought it was an urban legend... well, not urban really--a beach legend.  Whatever--I'm saying that stuff like that only happens in 80s teen movies.)

That's where I had to jet to do my make-up, so I'll write the rest of this recap very soon. I love you, sweet jazzy cats!!