Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 3 Recap

Last night's episode included all of the favorite elements that are beloved by the Bachelor die-hard community: a disgruntled ex-girlfriend, a broken finger, and men whipping balls at other men.  As Shitty Kasey would say, I was in #HEAVEN! 

Chris Harrison laid out the week's events: two group dates and a 1:1 date with roses up for grabs on all.  

The first group date crew was Chris (pasty), Brian (snooze), Drew (squeaky clean cut), Michael (Chunky Swayze), Brooks (lil effeminate and it's only going to get worse on this date—you'll see), Brad (brick shithouse who's hot but bland), Brandon (motorcycle dude who is VERY emotional), Zack K. (Chuck Taylor-wearer), Ben (the guy who sucks even MORE than the other sucky dudes), and last but certainly not least, my beloved MIKEY T!!! 

The dudes reported to a gym where they were greeted by super serious members of the National Dodgeball League.  These members acted like they were digging drainage ditches in Rwanda with how seriously they took their dodgeball games.  After the boys received some lessons in dodgeball (because apparently they never attended gym class or recess?), Chris Harrison arrived to split them into teams for a public dodgeball tournament.  The teams were "randomly picked" but just happen to pit Mikey T. and Chunky Swayze against Ben, so this "random selection" feels about as random as the list for the Tuesday Treehouse Open Mic circa Sue Funke's reign.  (Yes, that was a joke that only 5 readers will get, but I'M MAKING IT ANYWAY!)  The teams suited up in red or blue daisy dukes, knee-high socks, and sweatbands then made a dramatic entrance into the cage where they would play.  Chunky Swayze explained that it's a really intense cage match, saying, "this isn't your grandfather's kind of dodgeball." No, Michael, it's not.  Your grandfather probably NEVER played dodgeball, as he was a lil too busy fighting the Nazi's in WWII then coming back home to a family of 6 who needed to be fed and a lawn that had to be cut by a push mower and his ONLY relief was a beer or two at the VFW hall on Friday night.  No, I have a HUNCH that Pawpaw never dallied in a child's sport that overprivledged adult-children have co-opted.  But I digress.  (Wow—that greatest generation diatribe might make you think that this blog is ghost written by Tom Brokaw but I assure you IT IS NOT!  Brokaw knows NOTHING about Bach!)  

It was an intense, best-of-three tournament and after game 2, the red team had won 1 game and the blue team had won 1 game.  It was all down to this and Brooks ATE IT at the opening whistle.  He somehow managed to bust his finger and was taken away to the hospital.  Desiree held his hand for a second and then watched the finale of the 3rd game, which was Chris vs. Zack and there was a mention that both of those guys were former pro baseball players.  Huh? Umm… maybe I DON'T hate you both anymore.  

The blue team won and Desiree announced that both teams are invited to the after party, so all that effort was really for naught (man, I haven't seen a mind fuck that bad since I pledged Alpha Theta Chi and we were always made to feel like all the sisters hated us, but they actually didn't!).  Brooks missed most of the after party because he was at the hospital having his broken finger reset, fainting from the resetting, then dealing with a videocamera in his crotch.  At the after party, Brad (built, quiet) pulled Desiree aside to reveal that he has a 3 year old son named Maddox (insert Jolie-Pitt family joke here), his ex had a drinking problem, and he got arrested for domestic violence because of a scuffle they had.  YOWZA!  You're really giving Ben and Brandon a run for their money when it comes to bombshells!  Chris (pasty) whisked Desiree away to the helicopter pad/roof where they had some alone time and Chris showed that he's more than just a pasty random with the worst body in the house.  Not so fast, Chris—guess who's back from the hospital and thinking that his injury will mean that Desiree is wrapped around his broken finger? BROOKS!  And he's got to hold that finger upright to prevent painful blood flow to the tip (I've been there--no joke--long story), so he's looking like he's giving the #1 sign 24/7!  

Desiree and Brooks had a sweet conversation and make-out, but when it came down to rose time, Des gave it to CHRIS! The pasty nobody who needs to invest in an ab roller or just do some sit-ups once in a while! Aww snap!  Unprecedented!  Sorry Brooks, but breaking your finger won't always get you the girl.  The rose meant that Chris and Desiree got a private serenade by a sappy singer and Brandon watched from an onlooking patio (like a sniper) as Chris & Desiree made out.  

The next day, Desiree was "surprised" by a phone call (wow is that girl a bad actress) from Chris Harrison and told to head to the Bachelorette mansion.  There, she took Brian (snoooooze) outside and asked him if he's there "for the right reasons."  He went on and on that he is, then Desiree said that she's confused because Brian's girlfriend is here to confront him.  Aww snap!  In walked Stephanie (a cute brunette single mother) who LIT INTO Brian and said that they were together (cough--in bed--cough) 2 nights before he came on The Bachelorette.  Stephanie has a son named Donovan who apparently looks up to Brian (he aspires to have a SUPER bad personality?) and I just feel bad for the tyke that his name is Donovan.  For Brian's sake, I can't decide what is worse: being outed as a JERK on national TV, or having it happen while you are wearing black ankle socks!?  Seriously people--black ankle socks are DISGUSTING.  Brian was promptly asked to leave Bach land and the other guys were flabbergasted.  Brandon cried over the whole display because he was raised by a single mother and men would come in as father figures and then leave without saying goodbye (like Brian did to Donovan).  Oh Brandon, you're so sweet and your feelings are completely understandable and valid (who's got 2 thumbs and LOVES therapy!? THIS GIRL!) but seriously--talk to a therapist about these feelings of rejection and shame--not directly to a TV camera.  

Kasey (#Loser) gets the 1:1 date after that scene and their activity was dancing against a building (harness, leggings, and all).  It was pretty lame and Kasey continued to be an annoying tool, but he somehow scored a rose.  

The final group date is Dan (Ken doll-like helmet-like black hair and bright teeth), James (The Don), Juan Pablo (spicy!), Bryden (Iraq vet), Zak W (pity bid who is more like Andy from "The Office" every time he opens his mouth) and they reported to a wild west-type set.  Desiree was there in a hoop dress that The Don describes as "a beautiful gown from the 1900s" which could mean be a flapper dress or a Twiggy-style shift dress or a 1980s metallic prom dress, but who cares?  The guys dressed up as cowboys and learned stage combat and stunts in cowboy boot camp.  Juan Pablo earned the ranger badge so he and Desiree got some alone time to watch the trailer for "The Lone Ranger" and make-out while eating popcorn.  It's like an 8th grade date!  

Somewhere in between the cowboy boot camp and the afterparty, Bryden seems to have been introduced to hair gel is and he looks SO MUCH BETTER!  Push that hair to the side and lock in that style, Army man!  Desiree and Zak had a chat and he's SO not sexy it's stunning.  His days have GOT TO be numbered.  The Don revealed that his father is very ill and he misses his family (of course he does! They're the mafia!), so Desiree gave him a rose to reassure him.  

The next day, Desiree hung out with the guys at their pool and when she first pulled up in her car, Ben snuck out and whisked her aside for some 1:1 time.  He then denied doing this to all the guys in the house and  guess who knew the truth and wasn't having it? MIKEY AND CHUNKY SWAYZE!! Hell yeah!  Ben sat there in a bizarre tank top while Mikey and Chunky Swayze berated him--it was delightful.  Meanwhile, Brandon was practically WEEPING to Desiree about how upset he was by the single mom/Brian situation. Oh sweet Brandon--please tone it down.  

Finally, it's rose ceremony time.  Who has roses already?  James (The Don), Kasey (#EatShit), Chris (pasty).  Who scores a rose from Desiree at the ceremony?

  

-Bryden (I see BIG THINGS for him now that he knows how to use hair product) 

-Juan Pablo (their make-out seemed hot, despite the popcorn mouth) 

-Zak W. (HOW LONG WILL THIS CHARADE GO ON!? Guy is a joke!) 

-Brooks (a busted finger gets you the sweet 7th rose--ha!) 

-Drew (babyface, had a quiet week) 

-Zack K. (Chuck Taylors still flying under the radar) 

-Brad (he may look like a dumb lug, but now he's a dumb lug with a kid!) 

-Michael (aka Chunky Swayze who kinda needs a haircut) 

-Mikey T (HELL YES! I adore him but I fear that he and Michael are sliding into the Friend Zone) 

-Ben (smug sociopath who everybody hates, including America) 

Who's hopping on the shit train back to Rejectionville? Dan, who never revealed much personality, and Brandon.  Oh Brandon.  Brandon says that his heart is broken ("smashed by a hammer") and straight-up asks Desiree what went wrong.  She responds, "chemistry."  Ouch.  

Next week they posse is heading to America's favorite playground when Las Vegas is just not in the budget, ATLANTIC CITY!!!  

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 2 Recap

I know, I know, I'm late with this.  This week has been a lil bit kookoo bananas with my recovery from a sweet day at Coney Island beach (WARRIORS 4 LIFE), then a work emergency that had me operating the 'ole publishing machine into the wee hours last night.  Then today was a gorgeous day with low humidity, I was rocking day 2 hair (perfection) and I lost track of time.  But now it's Bach time and I owe you a recap filled with comedic gems about the low-life tools who whore themselves out to ABC in the search for love.

Monday's episode featured all the greatest hits: family drama revealed WAY too early on in a relationship, bad dancing by ALL of the men, and a picnic in an orange grove.

Brooks (effeminate but makes up for it with good hair) scored the first 1:1 date and Desiree picked him up in her convertible Bentley.  They cruised around LA and drove to a bridal shop (because The Bachelorette is doing NOTHING to change the assumption that all women are marriage-minded crazies who just want to be a princess for a day) where Brooks tried on GOOFY TUXES (green! Like a Leprechan and/or the mascot of the greatest basketball franchise in the NBA, the Boston Celtics.  I don't actually know/care if the Celts are any good--I just love any team whose mascot has a complexion as corpse-like as my own!) and Desiree tried on gorgeous dresses (no kidding around with ugly looks for her).  In their wedding getups, they hopped back in the car and Desiree said, "I really felt like we were newlyweds!"  Keep in mind these two LITERALLY met yesterday.  They drove to a cupcake truck (can that trend please DIE OFF? We get it--they're cute & taste great!) then to the Hollywood sign where they sat on the L and talked about life.  Desiree gave us this assessment about Brooks: "When he falls in love, he falls in love." Wise words, Des. Sounds like Brooks is a lot like... everyone I know. That night they drove to a closed bridge where they had a candlelit dinner and Brooks shared the information that his parents are divorced and he didn't speak to his pops from ages 13-19. Talk about a moody teenager!  Just down the bridge was a poor man's Maroon 5-type band (apparently the guy is named Andy Grammer--relation to Kelsey, I wonder?) performing a mid-tempo song about keeping your head up (if ONLY it had been the song of the same name by TuPac, am I right? Now THAT would have been appreciated like a mom who visit you in jail).  Brooks and Desiree "danced to" the song, though their dancing looked more like middle school dance spinning idiocy.  Brooks scored a rose.

Back at the house, 14 dudes discovered that they'd be going on a group date.  The lucky dudes were Dan (white teeth Ken doll), Juan Pablo (the fact that he played pro soccer is the ONLY thing I find appealing about him), Kasey (#WorstGuyEver), Zak K. (Chuck Taylors, seems OK), Will (lone black guy in the house and I give him tons of credit for it), Brian (...zzzzz...), Ben (father who needs a punch in his smug face), Drew (so clean cut dude should be in a soap commercial), Brian (forgettable), James (The Don), Mikey (the #1 best dude in that G-D house who should date ME), Michael (Chunky Swayze), Zack W. (shirtless guy who toned down the bronzer use this week, it seemed), Nick (mole on his cheek), and Brandon (motorcycle dude).

The crew arrived at a beautiful mansion with 3 sports cars in the driveway where Desiree informed them of the day's activity: making a rap video with Souljaboy.  I guess even Souljaboy needs an easy payday every now and then.  The day was pretty funny, with Chuky Swayze showing how funny he can be, Brandon rocking a tiny thong, and the lighting and sound crew hating every moment of their G-D lives (I'd guess).  Watch the finished product here.

At the after party, Zack W. gave Desiree the odd gift of an antique journal that had been inscribed from a father to a daughter but the daughter had never used.  Hey Zack, by "antique journal" are you sure you don't mean "stolen goods from your neighbor"?  The best comment about Zack came from my roommate Liz who walked in and said, "I didn't recognize him with his clothes on."  Seriously.  Ben reminded Desiree that he's really old-fashioned (yup, SO old fashioned that he knocked up a "friend" then exploited his child on network television) and interrupted Mikey's alone time with Desiree.  This did NOT sit well with Chunky Swayze (WHO I AM LOVING!) and Mikey straight-up addressed it with Ben, man-to-man.  Mikey said that Ben seems like a politician and he's really fake and Ben just sort of grinned through it all.  Oh Ben, I hope that Mikey loses his hot, Italian temper on your ass and Chunky Swayze backs him up in that brawl.  (Wouldn't that make for great TV? UFC meets The Bachelorette!)  Brandon has obviously spent too much time alone and when he finally gets 1:1 time with Des, he launches in on a monologue (seriously--she just sat there nodding) about his family, how he's not an Ivy League guy (aww Brandon--those dudes suck! Don't fret, my pet!), and how he's not rich.  It was sweet... but a bit intense.  At the end of the afterparty, Desiree had a rose to give out and she gave it to Ben because on reality TV, being a piece of human garbage somehow ALWAYS pays off.  Blech.

Next 1:1 date went to Bryden (Iraq War vet with a bad haircut) and it was a road trip.  They cruised the Cali coastline, ate fish tacos, flew a kite despite the fact that there was no wind, and Bryden revealed that he doesn't know what Brie is.  Oh Bryden, get ready for your world to be ROCKED by Brie cause that shit RULZ.  Over dinner Bryden shared that he was in a horrible car crash during college and he HAPPENED to have hard copy photos of the wreck in his jacket pocket!  Throughout the episode, it was clear that the producers were like, "this is the week to reveal yourselves, dudes!"  After dinner, Des and Bryden chilled in a hot tub where Bryden awkwardly stared at her until she finally said, "kiss me already."  Nice work, Des.  Bryden scored a rose.

Finally, it was rose ceremony time, but not before Chunky Swayze made his BIG REVEAL to Desiree that he has type I diabetes (no joke--he acted like he was about to drop a BOMBSHELL and I was thinking that he'd reveal that he had Leukemia as a child or something, but diabetes!?  Dude--check your blood sugar regularly, don't eat too much sugar, and STEP OFF) and a few of the guys told Ben that he's a jerk to his face.  I love watching men cat fight!  It feels like I'm watching feminism advance somehow.  Post-fight, Chunky Swayze dropped this gem: "Haven't heard about his son since night 1--wonder how HE's doing!" which was hilarious.  Brian (boring dude) used his 1:1 time with Desiree to talk about staying in a dead relationship (how can that happen? I'm far too trigger happy when it comes to dumping, though, so don't listen to me).

At the rose ceremony, Brooks, Ben and Bryden already had roses because Desiree is a sucker for boring dudes with B names.  Who else scored roses and in what order, you ask?
-James: THE DON! Mafia for life! No one gets out alive!
-Kacey: #He'llBeGoneSoon #GodWilling #HisHairIsTooSpikey #BadPersonality
-Dan: white teeth can't make up for (seemingly) no personality
-Juan Pablo: she asked him if he'd accept this rose en Espanol!
-Brad: umm... who? Dude is wicked generic.
-Chris: pasty & boring. He'll be gone soon.
-Brian: he and Des have so much in common! They both stay in shitty relationships!
-Zack W: that weird journal secured his spot for another week of ab flaunting
-Drew: I pray there's a personality behind that boyish charm, but I bet there isn't
-Mikey: HELL YEAH! YOU RULE! CALL ME!
-Zack: Chuck Taylors is a slow burn, I'm thinking
-Michael: Chunky Swayze proved that he's hilarious & rad this week
-Brandon: apparently your one-man show about your f-ed up family got the girl for once!

So who is going back to life, back to reality (however do you want me...) and what did they do wrong?
-Will: nice guy, but he gave Desiree a lame nickname right away and it was just kinda cheesy (BRIE cheesy, right Bryden? Hahahaha [shoves entire face into chunk of Brie])
-Robert: he was just a set of eyebrows, it seemed. Go back to spinning signs, my friend.
-Nick: he was just a mole on a cheek, it seemed.  Go back to...whatever it is you do (and get that mole checked--seriously--if it changes in shape especially).  Probably the best part of their exits was that Robert referred to being sent home as a "nightmare" and Nick called it "heartbreak."  I don't mean to laugh at their pain but it's just so damn hilarious.

Next week my dream of a UFC-Bachelorette hybrid just might be realized, as I think there will be a fistfight AND I CANNOT WAIT!

Bachelorette Desiree: Episode 1 Recap

"Picture like… the best dream you've ever had and times that by ten… and that's what I'm living in." -Desiree, the new Bachelorette

Oh sweet, sweet Desiree.  You're not in 6th grade anymore, so the phrase is actually "multiply that by ten," dreams are assumed to be positive (since they aren't nightmares) so your opening phrase is redundant, and you shouldn't end a sentence with a dangling preposition.  But WHATEVS girl, you're the new BACHELORETTE!  You get to be as dumb as you want AND drive a baby blue convertible Bentley (wish I were kidding—it was like a Bennifer era J. Lo video up in that place).  

Monday night kicked off a new season of The Bachelorette and Desiree (poor man's Katie Holmes from Sean's season) is the lady of the hour (or 8 weeks).  I always prefer seasons of The Bachelorette because I find dudes more fun to mock (I'm a feminist—what do you want from me?) and this batch looks like a doozy.  But  before we met the men, ABC services up a hell of a lot of B roll of Desiree bopping around Malibu: Desiree on roller-skates in a bikini, Desiree sketching on the beach, Desiree chasing seagulls on the beach, Desiree in SO many outfits.  It was quite a montage.  Desiree sat down with intrepid Bachelor/Bachelorette mascot Chris Harrison to discuss how she's feeling at this moment, as she stands on the precipice of taking "the ultimate risk" as she calls it.  The producers hit the "Cinderella" storyline HARD and I'm sure we'll hear a LOT of Cinderella comparisons throughout the season (cause you know how that story goes: poor man's Katie Holmes aka Cinderella has tattooed, mood swing-ey brother and grew up poor then ended up on TV or whatever).  Desiree was on the verge of tears within 3 minutes of the opening credits and she didn't stop until the 2 hour season premier was over.  But let's get to the good stuff: HER SUITORS! 

We learned a bit about a handful of suitors in some pre-shot footage, but let's go over what we know once the limo arrivals started.  Yes, we're back at the Bachelor mansion, which must be outfitted with Valtrex dosing machines in every room for the number of Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad seasons that house has seen.  Who's rolling into Desiree's Domain? 

-Drew: a digital marketing dude from AZ who we learned in the pre-taped segment has an alcoholic dad and handicapped sister (playing the sympathy card RIGHT OUT THE GATE!)  and seems super sweet if a bit immature.  He looks a lot like the young character Billy from Stealing Home (one of the best movies of ALL TIME), so I like him right away.  Seems very genuine. 

-Brooks: has longish hair, which I dig, but an awkward way about him.  Perhaps he'll be a slow burn.  

-Brad: dude is CUT (nice), built like a brick shithouse (nice), has little to no neck (very nice), wears a striped tie (niiiiice), and brings a wishbone so that he and Desiree can make a wish together.  Mama likes. 

-Bryden: Iraq vet who we learned in earlier segment is from Missoula Montana and seems super sweet.  His hair is a little bit Dumb & Dumber, but he's probably just psyched it's not in a buzz cut anymore, so I'll give him a pass. 

-Michael G: a federal prosecutor from FL who comes off as a LITTLE bit overexcited/intense, but he looks like a young Patrick Swayze (circa The Outsiders), so I like him.  He and Desiree throw pennies in the fountain and make a wish.  Mad wishing going on in this episode! 

-Kasey: a social media guy (whatever the hell that "job" is) who I hate immediately.   He has spiky hair, angular features, and speaks in hashtags. I AM NOT JOKING!  Within his first few moments on camera  he legit claimed that he had "made" a hashtag from Desiree (as though that involves actually MAKING something), then recited it to her saying, "hashtag marriage material."  OMG I want to FIGHT you, you loser in lime green soled shoes.  I hope you #GetVotedOffRealQuickAndCryAboutIt. 

-Will: a banker from Chicago who is the lone African American on the show.  He seems sweet, albeit a bit overenthusiastic.  He gives Desiree a goddess nickname right away which is cute and creepy. But he likes Bikram yoga and so do I, so I'll give him a pass.  

-Mikey T: a plumber from Chicago WHO FRIGGITY RULES!  He's like a hot pit bull of good looks, dimples, and family loyalty.  His pants are a little too short and he lights into a speech about the importance of family a little too quickly, but I adore him nonetheless. 

-Jonathan: a lawyer from North Carolina who is a little bit whispery and a whole lot creepy.  He hands Desiree a date card and asks her to go to the "fantasy suite" with I'm right away.  Getting pushy for action upon first meeting a girl, who does this guy think he is, a Duke Lax bro!? (BOOM!) 

-Zak W: a drilling fluid engineer from TX who loves his abs, loves being hairless, and HATES SHIRTS (in his defense, those three specifics tend to go hand-in-hand).  He asks Desiree if she will "accept these abs" and she awkwardly accepts.  Yowza.  Somebody get that guy a Xanax. 

-James: a 27 year old from Chicago who looks like a mixture of Young Republican and Mafia Don.  

-Larry: a 34 year old ER doctor with glasses who tries to dance with Desiree and dip her, but manages to almost rip her dress. 

-Nick R: a tailor/magician from Chicago who does a trick for Desiree.  Yes, this guy is a MAGICIAN.  He is this season's version of Stevie (the resident pity bid/loser of Emily's season who was a professional party MC and was blatantly picked by producers for mean-spirited laughs).  

-Zack K: I feel like I'm in the midst of a Zack Attack, even though this is only our 2nd Zack of the night.  He's a book publisher based in CA with no neck, a barrel chest, and a pair of Chuck Taylors.  I can't decide if I hate this guy just yet. 

-Diogo: dude rolls up in a suit of ARMOR.  Yes, the producers always get pushy with at least one person (last season it was Lindsay who arrived drunk and in a wedding gown on night #1) and this episode of was sweet Diogo who hardly speaks English.  Ahh well.  Drink up, kiddo, cause you're not sticking around. 

[Note from inside the house: when Diogo entered in his suit of armor, everyone laughed at him pretty hard, but no one laughed harder than the shirtless jag Zak.  Apparently even losers have a pretty strict hierarchy.]

-Chris: a pasty mortgage broker from Seattle who gets down on one knee in front of Desiree… TO TIE HIS SHOE!  Somebody has been reading "The Game" am I right!? 

-Mike R: a dental student who wears his dentist lab coat to remind Desiree that he gets covered in spit for a living. 

-Robert: an Los Angelino who invented the spin sign.  Have you ever been driving along a deserted, suburban-style road in Los Angeles and seen an underpaid, hungry person spinning a sign to encourage you to visit the nearby car wash or dry cleaner? It's the most depressing thing in the world AND YOU CAN THANK ROBERT FOR THAT ONE!  But wait, he has a one eyed dog so maybe he's not a total jerk wad? 

-Juan Pablo: a former pro soccer player from Venezuela who repeats his name about a dozen times for Desiree.  She finds this hot, I do not. 

-Brandon: rolls up with a bandana over his face (like he's about to commit a robbery ON DESIREE'S HEART!) and on a motorcycle.  Earlier  in the episode we learned that Brandon is an "adrenaline junkie" whose mom is an actual junkie. (Brandon and Drew are toe-to-toe with good looks and hot, traumatic backstories!) 

-Brian: a forgettable 29 year old finance dude who rocks a velvet dinner jacket.  Eh.  

-Micah: a law student who designed his own outfit (and it's horrible). 

-Nick M: a 27 year old with a cheek mole (it's hard to differentiate these guys!) who reads a cute poem. 

-Dan: a beverage sales director from Las Vegas with WICKED white teeth & a hot face.  Keep him around, pls. 

And just when you think you've seen every POSSIBLE iteration of shameless entrance on The Bachelorette, a dude sends his 5 year old SON out the limo with a flower.  Brody is the little boy and coming out the limo right after him is a tall drink of BORING water, Ben.  Ben explains that Brody is his best friend and the most important thing in his life (but thankfully a best friend/super important thing who you can hand off to your mother for 8 weeks or so while you make out with a stranger all over the world). 

And with that, all 25 beaus have assembled and Desiree has greeted them all.  Exhausting, huh?  The cocktail party is standard fare: Nick the magician says that he has a magic trick for everyone and his "trick" is that he makes Desiree disappear OFF WITH HIM! Aww snap Nick!  The boys back at New Trier Middle School are going to DIE when they hear about that one!  There's a whole lot of interrupting, Ben is grinney and smug as hell (especially after he scores the first rose), and Jonathan gets shitfaced.  Proud Papa Ben explains that family is the most important thing in the world (but not important enough to marry your lone child's mother, apparently); Brandon talks about his mom's alcoholism (standard small talk, no?); shirtless Zak stays shirtless until he strips down to his undies and jumps in the pool; Bryden talks about his dog; Juan Pablo comes off as a bit needy yet patronizing; Michael G looks more and more like a Chunky Swayze; Mikey T flashes his dimples and makes fun of Nick the magician (OMG MIKEY CALL ME!); Larry apologizes for making Desiree trip on her dress hem and then seems to fall asleep.  Lots of excitement.  Jonathan attempts to drag Desiree to his created "fantasy suite" which prompts her to send him home immediately (good girl), then before you know it, it's rose ceremony time.  Des has been giving out roses during the cocktail party, so a few lucky suitors already have boutteniers (Ben, Bryden, Zak W (pity rose), Nick, Michael G (chunky Swayze)) and who else gets 'em? 

-Brandon (pinstripe suit, motorcycle entrance) 

-Zack K (Chuck Taylors) 

-Will (Chicago Bikram boy) 

-Brooks (longer hair, lil effeminate) 

-Juan Pablo (his name is a joke) 

-Brett (dude is THICK) 

-Kasey (#WorstGuyEver) 

-James (Mafia Don) 

-Robert (spinning signs!) 

-Brian (velvet jacket—he'll be gone soon unless he finds a personality) 

-Dan (white teeth Vegas dude) 

-Chris (pasty, bended knee Boys II Men dude) 

-Mikey (THE CUTEST GUY IN THE WORLD! HELL YEAH! But I hope Desiree dumps him soon so I can twitter stalk his sweetness!) 

Who got sent home? 

-Nick (magician who is somehow smug as SHIT despite the fact that he's a non-hot magician) 

-ER doc (seemed dull and couldn't seem to wake up) 

-Homemade clothes (aka Micah) 

-Knight (aka Diogo—I don't think he quite understood where he was) 

-Mike R. (dentist) 

-Jonathan (was sent home mid-cocktail party for being a creeper)

I think I'm missing a forgettable guy or two there in the mix, but who cares?  Next week we'll whittle down this group once more and then we'll dig into the good stuff.  In the previews I saw some shots of the dudes FISTFIGHTING and I am FIRED UP for this season.  I may be a pacifist, but I love me some fighting dudes.  See you next week!