I know, I know, I'm late with this. This week has been a lil bit kookoo bananas with my recovery from a sweet day at Coney Island beach (WARRIORS 4 LIFE), then a work emergency that had me operating the 'ole publishing machine into the wee hours last night. Then today was a gorgeous day with low humidity, I was rocking day 2 hair (perfection) and I lost track of time. But now it's Bach time and I owe you a recap filled with comedic gems about the low-life tools who whore themselves out to ABC in the search for love.
Monday's episode featured all the greatest hits: family drama revealed WAY too early on in a relationship, bad dancing by ALL of the men, and a picnic in an orange grove.
Brooks (effeminate but makes up for it with good hair) scored the first 1:1 date and Desiree picked him up in her convertible Bentley. They cruised around LA and drove to a bridal shop (because The Bachelorette is doing NOTHING to change the assumption that all women are marriage-minded crazies who just want to be a princess for a day) where Brooks tried on GOOFY TUXES (green! Like a Leprechan and/or the mascot of the greatest basketball franchise in the NBA, the Boston Celtics. I don't actually know/care if the Celts are any good--I just love any team whose mascot has a complexion as corpse-like as my own!) and Desiree tried on gorgeous dresses (no kidding around with ugly looks for her). In their wedding getups, they hopped back in the car and Desiree said, "I really felt like we were newlyweds!" Keep in mind these two LITERALLY met yesterday. They drove to a cupcake truck (can that trend please DIE OFF? We get it--they're cute & taste great!) then to the Hollywood sign where they sat on the L and talked about life. Desiree gave us this assessment about Brooks: "When he falls in love, he falls in love." Wise words, Des. Sounds like Brooks is a lot like... everyone I know. That night they drove to a closed bridge where they had a candlelit dinner and Brooks shared the information that his parents are divorced and he didn't speak to his pops from ages 13-19. Talk about a moody teenager! Just down the bridge was a poor man's Maroon 5-type band (apparently the guy is named Andy Grammer--relation to Kelsey, I wonder?) performing a mid-tempo song about keeping your head up (if ONLY it had been the song of the same name by TuPac, am I right? Now THAT would have been appreciated like a mom who visit you in jail). Brooks and Desiree "danced to" the song, though their dancing looked more like middle school dance spinning idiocy. Brooks scored a rose.
Back at the house, 14 dudes discovered that they'd be going on a group date. The lucky dudes were Dan (white teeth Ken doll), Juan Pablo (the fact that he played pro soccer is the ONLY thing I find appealing about him), Kasey (#WorstGuyEver), Zak K. (Chuck Taylors, seems OK), Will (lone black guy in the house and I give him tons of credit for it), Brian (...zzzzz...), Ben (father who needs a punch in his smug face), Drew (so clean cut dude should be in a soap commercial), Brian (forgettable), James (The Don), Mikey (the #1 best dude in that G-D house who should date ME), Michael (Chunky Swayze), Zack W. (shirtless guy who toned down the bronzer use this week, it seemed), Nick (mole on his cheek), and Brandon (motorcycle dude).
The crew arrived at a beautiful mansion with 3 sports cars in the driveway where Desiree informed them of the day's activity: making a rap video with Souljaboy. I guess even Souljaboy needs an easy payday every now and then. The day was pretty funny, with Chuky Swayze showing how funny he can be, Brandon rocking a tiny thong, and the lighting and sound crew hating every moment of their G-D lives (I'd guess). Watch the finished product here.
At the after party, Zack W. gave Desiree the odd gift of an antique journal that had been inscribed from a father to a daughter but the daughter had never used. Hey Zack, by "antique journal" are you sure you don't mean "stolen goods from your neighbor"? The best comment about Zack came from my roommate Liz who walked in and said, "I didn't recognize him with his clothes on." Seriously. Ben reminded Desiree that he's really old-fashioned (yup, SO old fashioned that he knocked up a "friend" then exploited his child on network television) and interrupted Mikey's alone time with Desiree. This did NOT sit well with Chunky Swayze (WHO I AM LOVING!) and Mikey straight-up addressed it with Ben, man-to-man. Mikey said that Ben seems like a politician and he's really fake and Ben just sort of grinned through it all. Oh Ben, I hope that Mikey loses his hot, Italian temper on your ass and Chunky Swayze backs him up in that brawl. (Wouldn't that make for great TV? UFC meets The Bachelorette!) Brandon has obviously spent too much time alone and when he finally gets 1:1 time with Des, he launches in on a monologue (seriously--she just sat there nodding) about his family, how he's not an Ivy League guy (aww Brandon--those dudes suck! Don't fret, my pet!), and how he's not rich. It was sweet... but a bit intense. At the end of the afterparty, Desiree had a rose to give out and she gave it to Ben because on reality TV, being a piece of human garbage somehow ALWAYS pays off. Blech.
Next 1:1 date went to Bryden (Iraq War vet with a bad haircut) and it was a road trip. They cruised the Cali coastline, ate fish tacos, flew a kite despite the fact that there was no wind, and Bryden revealed that he doesn't know what Brie is. Oh Bryden, get ready for your world to be ROCKED by Brie cause that shit RULZ. Over dinner Bryden shared that he was in a horrible car crash during college and he HAPPENED to have hard copy photos of the wreck in his jacket pocket! Throughout the episode, it was clear that the producers were like, "this is the week to reveal yourselves, dudes!" After dinner, Des and Bryden chilled in a hot tub where Bryden awkwardly stared at her until she finally said, "kiss me already." Nice work, Des. Bryden scored a rose.
Finally, it was rose ceremony time, but not before Chunky Swayze made his BIG REVEAL to Desiree that he has type I diabetes (no joke--he acted like he was about to drop a BOMBSHELL and I was thinking that he'd reveal that he had Leukemia as a child or something, but diabetes!? Dude--check your blood sugar regularly, don't eat too much sugar, and STEP OFF) and a few of the guys told Ben that he's a jerk to his face. I love watching men cat fight! It feels like I'm watching feminism advance somehow. Post-fight, Chunky Swayze dropped this gem: "Haven't heard about his son since night 1--wonder how HE's doing!" which was hilarious. Brian (boring dude) used his 1:1 time with Desiree to talk about staying in a dead relationship (how can that happen? I'm far too trigger happy when it comes to dumping, though, so don't listen to me).
At the rose ceremony, Brooks, Ben and Bryden already had roses because Desiree is a sucker for boring dudes with B names. Who else scored roses and in what order, you ask?
-James: THE DON! Mafia for life! No one gets out alive!
-Kacey: #He'llBeGoneSoon #GodWilling #HisHairIsTooSpikey #BadPersonality
-Dan: white teeth can't make up for (seemingly) no personality
-Juan Pablo: she asked him if he'd accept this rose en Espanol!
-Brad: umm... who? Dude is wicked generic.
-Chris: pasty & boring. He'll be gone soon.
-Brian: he and Des have so much in common! They both stay in shitty relationships!
-Zack W: that weird journal secured his spot for another week of ab flaunting
-Drew: I pray there's a personality behind that boyish charm, but I bet there isn't
-Mikey: HELL YEAH! YOU RULE! CALL ME!
-Zack: Chuck Taylors is a slow burn, I'm thinking
-Michael: Chunky Swayze proved that he's hilarious & rad this week
-Brandon: apparently your one-man show about your f-ed up family got the girl for once!
So who is going back to life, back to reality (however do you want me...) and what did they do wrong?
-Will: nice guy, but he gave Desiree a lame nickname right away and it was just kinda cheesy (BRIE cheesy, right Bryden? Hahahaha [shoves entire face into chunk of Brie])
-Robert: he was just a set of eyebrows, it seemed. Go back to spinning signs, my friend.
-Nick: he was just a mole on a cheek, it seemed. Go back to...whatever it is you do (and get that mole checked--seriously--if it changes in shape especially). Probably the best part of their exits was that Robert referred to being sent home as a "nightmare" and Nick called it "heartbreak." I don't mean to laugh at their pain but it's just so damn hilarious.
Next week my dream of a UFC-Bachelorette hybrid just might be realized, as I think there will be a fistfight AND I CANNOT WAIT!