Bachelorette Rachel: Boundaries, BYO-Cock Block, Wahboom

Greetings, my fellow Bachelor heads!!

Last night was the season premiere of Rachel Lindsay’s season as our intrepid Bachelorette and it did NOT disappoint!  Oh my goodness, it had everything: tons of drinks, men who lack boundaries, regrettable clothing/costume choices, and great hair (on Rachel ONLY). 

Before we dive in, a few quick things: immediately after the episode, my lovely neighbor Dava Krause and I recorded an episode of our hit podcast The Fantasty Suite, so if you want to HEAR our hot takes on Night One, then take a listen right here.  If you wish to read my personal hot takes, then keep going here.  If you want to do both, HAVE AT IT!

In the interest of not making myself go insane, I’m not going to list all arrivals and then the entire rose ceremony.  It’s just too much and there were just SO many dark suits (much easier to judge dresses, ya know?) so I’ll do a general recap, then share the Rose Ceremony dudes (and, of course, the losers). 

OK so the episode kicked off with Rachel—America’s first black Bachelorette—having photos taken and adjusting to life in the public eye.  We watched a montage of her “journey” (10 points! I used “journey” in recap numero uno!) from last season—receiving the first impression rose from Nick Viall, canoodling with him throughout their season, and finally, being sent home in a pool of runny mascara and silver eyeshadow.  Oh sweet girl—you’re too good for that lame-o.  Then we see a shot of Rachel back in action rocking a FIERCE 70s style jumper on After the Final Rose, where she meets her first 4 suitors from this season!  Rachel rolls up to her private residence for the season in a sleek, black sports car (or a fancy Mazda? I couldn’t quite tell what it was?) with her dog Copper (SO CUTE! Also I LOVE that she arrived with her dog) and they settle in.  She pops back to the Bachelor mansion to get some dating advice from A CREW OF GIRLS WHO ALL GOT REJECTED LAST SEASON, ALSO!! YESS-what a great resource, no?? 

NO!!!  

Literally NO.  

Nonetheless, Raven, Corinne, Jasmine, Dolphin girl, 2 interchangeable brunettes, and Kristina encourage Rachel to “let yourself fall” and they all get misty eyed. 

But there’s no time for misty eyes, ladies—Rachel needs to get ready for the big “first night” that lasts 16 hours! 

Rachel looks stunning in a sparkly, white, textured, floor length gown that’s sleeveless and has a really cool design on the back.  She has on dangly earrings, hair down, fantastic make-up—she’s ready to rock.  The guys arrive and there are some good entrances (hotties, dudes who just act cool and normal, silly jokes), some bad entrances (an Urkel impression, really? Also a dude in a penguin suit, Blake the “aspiring drummer” who arrives with a marching band and apparently he isn’t only “aspiring,” he is also DOING it), and some terrible entrances.  

Yes, when I say terrible entrances I’m talking about Jonathan the TICKLE MONSTER. 

NO NO NO! I know that he was probably attempting to be playful when he told Rachel to close her eyes and put out her hand but he does not KNOW this woman and when she trusted him and played along, he GRABBED her by the waist and really forcefully “tickled” her. No way, bro.  I’m sorry, but that was just too much too soon. I literally don’t even TOUCH a person without asking them.  

The final arrival is Lucas whose job/nickname/hobby/lifestyle (?) is WAHBOOM (whatever that is/means) and GOOD LORD this guy is tiresome.  That “Wahboom” thing gets old before he can even scream the second syllable and the whole display (which is him thrashing his head around while screaming “WAHBOOM” and shaking) feels like watching a guy who was SUPER POPULAR at the boy-girl parties in 6^th grade and then after that everyone just found him annoying and he stopped being popular but lacks the self-awareness and self-reflection to understand why.  I legit LOATHE this guy. 

OK so we head into the house and it’s standard Night One fare: dudes interrupting one another in a desperate attempt to get some face time with their would-be love match; dudes drinking too much and talking smack; dudes trotting out lame mini date activities that they desperately pray will make them memorable/appear to have a personality.  While Rachel has 1:1 time outside, Lucas (aka Wahboom and GOOD LORD it gives me dumb chills to even type out that lame word) “entertains” (freaks out) a few guys by asking them what level of Wahboom they would like.  Way to engage them in your lameness, Lucas. They pick an 11 (good call, boys—this one goes to 11) and Lucas obliges them, doing his signature move cranked up so hard that he literally falls backward off a couch during he “wind up” (that is, the “WAAAH” part), then when he pops back up from the couch to land the “BOOM” part, everyone has already lost interest and turned their back to him. That was delicious to witness. 

Oh speaking of creepy shit, we must discuss Adam Junior.  Adam, an ostensibly handsome guy who works as a real estate agent, arrived at the house with a freaky doll thing that he calls Adam Junior.  Adam Junior doesn’t look like Adam and he’s not a ventriloquist doll (not that THAT would make it okay) or even a children’s doll.  Adam Junior is a strange doll that has a facial features drawn on its face surface (words elude me in attempting to describe this bizarre thing), he wears a suit and has a wig (gross—something about that wig REALLY made me feel yucky).  He resembles those weird dolls that you’d see in a chintzy Italian restaurant that caters to large families—like those animatronic things that they dress up as carolers during the holiday season.  Rachel hates it and so do I!  Adam, why are you bringing your own cock block?

Adam Jr's family

Rachel gives the First Impression Rose to Bryan, a 37-year-old chiropractor from Florida (so he probably got his medical license at the mall) who speaks Spanish and is a straight shooter. He was a little too suave for me (I like ‘em SIMPLE as hell), but he’s a sexy dude who knows what he wants, which is nice. Bryan and Rachel make out HARD a few times on night one. 

Finally it’s sunrise and I'm feeing like, woa, whose ass do I gotta kiss to get a rose ceremony around here?  OK, Rachel makes her selections:

-Peter – handsome, dark haired white guy who is 30, from Wisconsin, was first out of the limo. I loved his plaid suit jacket—a bold choice, cool guy.

-Will – handsome black guy with a purple tie, did the Urkel impression when he arrived.

-Jack – 31, lawyer, white guy, dark hair from Dallas TX. I didn’t love his entrance (Rachel said “I’ll see you inside” and he said, “you better” which just reeks of The Game to me). 

-Jamey – Santa Monica CA white guy who made a remark that he has great hair and is very handsome. No thank you. Also, as they say “you aint all that.”

-Iggy – husky Chicago guy who looks part Asian and has great taste in shoes. He’s a cutie, but didn’t make much of an impression.

-Eric – personal trainer from LA, tan suit, black guy who carries himself a little bit strangely, I think. Anybody else feel like his shoulders were up the whole episode?

-DeMario – 30, Executive Recruiter from CA who met Rachel on After the Final Rose and is a strong contender for good reason.

-Jonathan – white guy “tickle monster” (you mean, just MONSTER?) who needs to learn some boundaries and get sent home soon.

-Bryce – white guy firefighter whose face/jawline are extremely strange

-Alex – white guy whose family we met earlier in the episode as they BBQs some type of meat. He has a bit of an accent—Greek, Russian? He’s super handsome, but the vacuum bit was lame.

-Kenny – 35, professional wrestler from Las Vegas, black man who has made a GREAT impression and seems like a solid dude. He has a 10-year-old daughter and I’m expecting big things from him this season.

-Dean – 25-year-old white guy who lives in LA and is literally nothing more than some voluminous hair and oversized, white teeth.  I am NOT loving it.

-Matt – white dude, dark hair, CT construction guy who rolled up in a penguin suit. Meh.

-Anthony – rocked a light suit jacket, 26, black guy, seems to carry himself in a very serious fashion, which I can dig. Seems like a slow burn and I like it.

-Brady – white guy, male model, 29, arrived with a block of ice and a sledgehammer. He seems like a bore and a half. 

-Josiah – black guy whose outfit was my favorite (grey suit jacket with black lapels—LOVE that style) who is also an attorney (loved his joke “see ya later, litigator’) and earlier we learned that when Josiah was 7, his older brother hung himself because of bullying.   After that tragedy (Josiah literally found him), Josiah lashed out, got into trouble, then at age 12 turned his life around after a judge spoke to him. Oh man what a tearjerker. I’m excited to get to know Josiah more this season, but I hope that his ENTIRE identity on the show doesn’t become that childhood trauma—I’m sure he has a LOT to give!

-Lee – white guy with BIG hair who is a singer/songwriter (I’m sorry but I hate him already) who entered singing and strumming his guitar (ugh) and I’d bet is here for the WRONG REASONS!!! No record deal for you!!

-Diggy – yes yes yes! Handsome black guy out of Chicago who owns 575 pairs of sneakers and has GREAT taste. I love his gingham shirt and pink bow tie! Hoping he sticks around for a while.

-Fred – yes yes yes! Fred is my favorite. Dark skinned black guy out of Dallas TX who, we learned, was a 3^rd grader at the same school where Rachel was an 8^th grader and she was his camp counselor! I think the hometown connection is cute, but will Rachel’s memories of Fred as a snot-nosed, 10-year-old troublemaker prevent a love connection? We’ll see!

-Adam – white guy who arrived with a DOLL.  Come on, man.  Rachel hilariously calls his name and clarifies, “just Adam.” 

-Blake E. – white guy with reddish hair who arrived drumming. Buh. I don’t like this guy—his initial interview was ALL about sex which is just too much too soon. I hope that this little drummer boy ba-rump-pa-pum-pums his way outta the Bachelorette manse soon.

We’re down to the final rose and she has a lot of guys left—Mohit the handsome Indian start-up guy from San Fran, Milton, another Blake, Jedediah who arrived quoting scripture (not a joke)—who scores that coveted final spot?

-Lucas aka Wahboom.  Oh Rachel, why, girl?  I’ll tell you why: producers want more bizarre footage.  Ugh.  In typical Lucas style, when she says his name he absolutely wilds out, shrieking “WAHBOOM” as the other guys roll their eyes and/or try to choke back tears at the fact that they are being sent home and this bozo got a rose. 

A handful of guys leave and by the time they are stumbling out of the mansion it’s legit MID-DAY.  Goodness gracious.   These are first night departures, so in the Bachelorette history books, they are mere footnotes and I can’t use up my brain space with them. 

Then ABC serves up some preview of what we’ll see from Rachel and The Boyz this season and there are LOTS of fur coast (I hope faux fur so that my vegan friends don’t get too upset), a few shots of Anthony (slow burn), Dean (nothing but teeth), Fred (hot childhood friend), Jack (pushy lawyer guy) and some BRAWLS between Lee (definitely here to become a country superstar—barf) and Eric (aka tan suit, shoulders up). I think I spotted a 2-on-1 date featuring Kenny (wrestler) and Lee (how is he a thing?), plus we get a visit from an IRATE EX-GIRLFRIEND! All of the ingredients for a fantastic season are here!!!

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In the words of American’s first black President, I’m holding onto HOPE and in the words of America’s first black Bachelorette, let’s keep it real, keep it 100, and have fun! No regrets! Here we go!