Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Bachelorette Jojo Ep 4: Sometimes hot tubs ARE too hot

Tuesday night was Part II of Chad-Mageddon and the episode opened with Chris Harrison encouraging Chad to address the house and squash things.  Chad’s way of ending the drama was by saying that he hopes they can all be “pretty cool, generally” then by having a back and forth debate with Evan about who pushed who first.  Welcome to everybody’s favorite family road trip back seat game, WHO STARTED IT?   Wells and James Taylor chimed in with some calm advice and the conversation ended.  We got a “to be continued” FOR THAT? Come on!  I wanted blood!  What’s that, I’ll get it later in the episode? OK, you’ve got me.

The pool party kicks off when Jojo arrives in white, jean shorts, fringed tank top, and a black bikini.  Jojo is smart and doesn’t dunk her head underwater (don’t ruin that hair and make-up, girl), but the guys do, performing synchronized swimming dives and tricks. Somehow Evan gets a bloody nose during a dive and I’m stunned by what a delicate flower he is.  Jojo and Jordan have some sexy private time (straddling!) and she tells him that she feels nervous around him (been there a few too many times and hey, sometimes you have a 4 year on-again-off-again thing with an overweight, bearded mountain man who leaves you completely tongue tied, ya know? Just me?). Luke and Jojo have some cute guitar time, Robby’s hair keeps getting higher, and Jojo and Chad have a talk.  Chad says that he made that  mean remark (“are you seriously vibing this guy?”) because he and Evan are so different, asking, “Do you want ice cream or do you want steak?” Well, Chad, perhaps she likes both? A better metaphor would have been a zero sum game where you can only pick ONE thing.  Evan disrupts their conversation because he feels safe while the cameras are rolling (sorry, but Evan’s a chickeshit weasel). 

Chad grabs Derek (Hot Jim Halpern) for a conversation in the foyer and every sentence that Chad uses to ask him what his problem is, Derek then explains is a perfect example OF THE PROBLEM and Derek’s not wrong. Derek contends that Chad is here to get in front of the cameras and that he doesn’t actually like Jojo.

That evening it’s rose ceremony time and Jojo arrives in stunning gunmetal, sparkly separates.  She’s rocking a light lip and sparkly, grey eyeshadow and it’s all amazing.  Chase and Evan already have roses and then she doles them out to…

-Grant (looking NICE in those suspenders and no jacket)
-Derek (looking very Dunder Mifflin in that grey suit)
-Jordan (yeah Jojo—keep him in the middle and keep him humble)
-Luke (tie pins are back! What’s old is new!)
-Robby (do you think he's wearing a BumpIt underneath that hair? Seriously--that volume!)
-Wells (classic look, low key attitude)
-James F. (Cute Count rocking a grey suit, black tie)
-Vinny (he’s still here? Doesn’t he have some fades to buzz back in Florida?)
-Daniel (that stark white shirt and ink black suit is doing nothing to make you look like less of a vampire, Damn Daniel)
 -Alex (tiny hero is HOT and every military dude I know is covered in tats, so it doesn’t scare me)
-Chad (seriously? SERIOULY? Do you WANT Evan to get his ass kicked, Jojo?)

So Ali (handsome Persian), Nick (Santa), and Christian (smiley sweetheart) are heading home and the guy who punches doors and eats potatoes like bananas is still in the running.  That’s got to be a tough pill to swallow—even harder than a mouth full of cold cuts eaten like a Chad Bear.

Jojo tells the guy that she’s ready to leave the drama behind and focus on relationships (easy to say when you aren’t living in the same room as a dozen meatheads, one of whom is a complete sociopath) and TRAVEL! 

Their first stop is everyone’s favorite spring break destination: NEMACOLIN, PENNSYLVANIA!!!! RUSTIC WOODLANDS! GREY SKIES! DAMP WEATHER! Jojo says for the first time this season that she thinks her husband is in this group of guys and the dudes settle into their rustic cabin resort. 

Luke scores a 1:1 date and they go dog sled cruising through a muddy trail! Who knew that you could dog sled without snow? Turns out you can! You just need a random guy to stand behind you while you and your mate snuggle under a blanket and play tonsil hockey directly beneath him!  Wheeee!  They arrive at a clearing where a wood fire Jacuzzi is waiting for them, but first Luke needs to chop the wood to heat the fire that will warm the water. It’s like a goddamn chemistry lesson up in here! They strip down and Jojo is somehow SHOCKED that Luke, a former military guy is in “impeccable shape” (as she calls it).  Jojo dips a toe in the hot tub, finds it to be MUCH too hot, and Luke dutifully holds her suspended above the water, then shares this inspirational gem with Bachelor Nation: 

Sometimes hot tubs are too hot. 

Aint that the truth, Luke. Luke says that he loves Nashville and Austin (oh, you and literally EVERY OTHER RESIDENT OF OUR NATION LIVING HERE CIRCA RIGHT NOW) and they sip champagne. 

Back at the house, Chad is also in a hot tub, but he’s alone and speaking of himself in the 3rd person as “the Chad bear.”

That night Luke and Jojo get dressed up for dinner and Luke talks about serving in Afghanistan, losing his best friend in combat, and appreciating life. I’ll admit, that was  pretty sweet conversation and he seems like a solid dude.  I had to laugh, though, when Luke talked about how he’s an emotional person without registering a SINGLE emotion on his face. Maybe he just has a flat affect? Either way, Luke gets a rose and they then walk to a theater where make out on a platform as hundreds of strangers tape it on their smartphones. Love in the modern age! Behind them, someone furiously cranks a smoke machine as Dan + Shay sing a trite country song. 

The next day is a group date for Derek, James Taylor, Damn Daniel, Chase, Wells, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby and the boys cruise on a steamboat over to Heinz Field where they run football drills with 3 former Pittsurgh Steelers players or coaches or something. They all look like brick shithouses and make Evan look even TINIER than we know he is.  Jordan is throwing killer passes to everyone as they run drills (mama likes) and when Robby smacks into James Taylor, JT stars gushing blood and needs stitches.
This is what happens when a Singer-Songwriter tries to play football 
Finally it’s game time and the guys are split into 2 teams: white and blue, with Jordan playing what he calls “all time Quarterback” and that sounds extremely hot, Jordy.  Evan is pretty excited about the football accessories and ends up looking more like he’s auditioning to replace Left Eye of TLC in that bizarre TV show “R U The Girl.”

"I'm sorry you lost your beloved Left Eye, but I am here to fill those shoes!" -Evan

The blue team wins (but not before Evan gets his SECOND bloody nose of the episode) so they score an after party with Jojo. 

That night, Jojo is looking gorgeous in a tight black dress with a slit up the leg and no sleeves. Robby is rocking a Miami Vice look and he hoists her onto the pool table for a hot make out that is soon followed by her make-outs with Derek, James Taylor, and Jordan.  Jojo tells Jordan that she still can’t read him and that he’s not vocal about how he feels, so he takes her outside and says, “I feel like I’m falling for you, I see someone that I feel like I could fall for” which is the most non-committal way to tell a woman that you maybe, potentially, could possibly date her. What the hell is going on here, Jordan!?  But that almost confession of maybe love seemed to be enough for Jojo, as she gives Jordan the rose. 

The next day is the 2-on-1 between Alex and Chad and pre-date Cro Magnon Chad takes a poll of which guys have a problem with him (multiple guys literally RAISED THEIR HANDS and I exploded in laughter), Chad asks Alex if he’d like to go outside and fight, and Chad threatens to beat up Jordan in his home once the show is over. If someone isn’t making a super cut of Chad’s best Roid Rage lines, then we’re all missing out.  Chad and Alex take a helicopter into the woods where they meet Jojo for a hike and drinks by some rapids. Alex uses the non-word “disingenuine” when he means “disingenuous,” Chad holds Jojo’s hand a LOT, and the trio settles on a blanket by the water. During his 1:1 time, Alex tells Jojo that Chad is terrorizing the house with threats of violence and when Jojo asks Chad about this, he insists that he’s not an aggressive guy but the other guys are pushing him and he says that threats of violence are the ONLY way to handle some people.  Jojo reprimands him saying that he should handle things like an adult and walks off, then he proves that he’s truly a man-child by whipping his cup into the river. 

Then Chad and Alex have bizarre conversational back and forth during which Chad says outright that it’s too bad that he can’t hurt Alex without getting into trouble and we learn that Chad was formerly a Marine. How did I not know this before? This guy is terrifying!

Jojo returns and asks Chad point-blank if he has threatened anyone in the house and Chad trots out the favorite excuse of abusive husbands, that he was MADE to do these things and he had no other option.  Jojo gives Alex the rose and they wander off to a candlelit, cozy drinks date as Chad roams the woods saying, “am I getting pranked right now?” 

Back at the house, a Production Assistant takes Chad’s bag away and the boys toast with bubbly and Fireball Whisky (I’ll probably get Diabetes for saying this, but I love me some Fireball and not just because there’s a corny Top 40 country song about it).  

The voice over we hear as we watch Chad roam the woods is him insisting that Alex lied and that now he must find Alex. Does Chad realize that every word he say is being taped? Because Alex didn’t lie and everyone in Bachelor Nation knows it. 

We’re off next week (who knows why) and back in 2 weeks.  In the meantime, be sure to listen to The Fantasy Suite, the Bachelor podcast that I co-host! 

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