Bachelorette Jojo Ep 5: Chads Are Evil and an L Bomb Is Dropped

Monday night’s episode opened with a celebration of Chad’s departure the likes of which Bachelor Nation hasn’t witnessed since the Black Widow (Kelsey) was dumped in the Badlands during Farmer Chris’s season or Olivia was deserted on a windswept island during Ben Higgin’s season.  There was cake, there were sparklers, Alex the Tiny Hero got a warm welcome when he returned triumphantly and finally, Wells lead the guys in a symbolic funeral for Chad (as James Taylor played his guitar, of course).  And just as the protein powder had been thrown and its container had been drop kicked into the woods, CHAD REAPPEARED!

Damn Daniel let him into the house just like in those ghost stories where you have to let the evil power into your home in order for it to take hold, ya know? It seemed that Chad wanted a final conversation with the guys and he got it. He trotted out his standard lines, blaming the other guys in the house for HIS anger issues and saying, “I guess Jojo thinks I’m ‘too intense’ or something” which is a hilarious way to backpedal after having challenged the entire house to a fight. Jordan takes the lead and handles it calmly, Wells chimes in with some mature input, and weasel Evan asks for money to replace his crummy T-shirt. Finally the guys walk away because Chad is impossible and Chad wanders off into the woods, never to be seen from again (at least not until Bachelor In Paradise kicks off on August 2^nd --SAVE THE DATE).

Soon it’s cocktail party time and Jojo has selected another stunning gown—white with flecks of silver and mermaid-style (my fave). Jojo’s dress selections are replacing Andi Dorfman’s as my favorite Bachelorette style (Kaitlyn was up there, too). 

Jojo says that she’s glad that Chad is gone and she feels like she didn’t know him. Hilariously, Evan says that now he feels like there is an even playing field (HA! Dude—you’re still not hot), and Chase declares that there’s no more negative energy in the house, which is a great way to summon negative energy. Jordan pulls Jojo away for some 1:1 time and they share a HOT kiss a mere WALL away from the other dudes. Oh Jordan, you’re so bad you’re good. Luke says that he’s “going in for seconds” (meaning that Jojo is a meal?) as Evan flails around and claims to be trying to get his time with her, but never DOING anything about it.     

It’s rose ceremony time and 3 guys are already safe: Luke the veteran who wants to sop up Jojo with a biscuit (FOOD JOKES), Alex the Tiny Hero (who will slowly turn into a bizarro mini-Chad this ep), and Jordan (who is HOT but a lil questionable).

Jojo hands out the roses to:

-Derek: Hot John Krasinski (who is quite sensitive)

-Robby: Hot MacGruber

-Chase: I’ve been nicknaming those other dudes “Hot So-and-So” but Chase is legit HOT---just Hot Chase. Independently hot.  

-Wells: Did he only bring one suit to the show? Keep your eyes open—it appears to be the same navy suit, white shirt, black tie EVERY ROSE CEREMONY.

-Grant: No tie, looking niiiiiiiice

-Vinny: Seems like a chill guy, but that George Clooney circa 1999 haircut is sort of killing me

-James Taylor: rocking a bold blood blister

-Evan: who says “my heart is on blast” and I don’t think he knows what “on blast” means.

So Damn Daniel and Robby aka The Count are heading home.  As expected, Robby makes a graceful exit (even after his Hail Mary pass of reciting a poem) and Damn Daniel rambles about having a good body and being hot (errrm… no), then heads back to the land of poutine.

Jojo and the remaining 11 are heading to URUAGUAY and as soon as the guys understand that Uruguay is a country in South America, they are FIRED UP!

Jordan scores the first 1:1 date in Uruguay and it’s a day on a boat, some swimming, and dinner.  While Jordan is flipping his hair around the Isla de Lobos, back at the hotel Vinny is becoming the male Michelle Money and giving out haircuts.  Inside Vinny’s traditional Uruguayan barbershop is a copy of gossip magazine InTouch that features a tell-all story about Jojo (as told by her monster ex Chad—different Chad than meat eater Chad). Jojo wears a knockout white dress to dinner and over drinks, Jojo and Jordan talk exes, trust, and monogamy. Jojo confronts Jordan about his ex (who is VERY outspoken on social media) and Jordan insists that he never cheated, but admits that he was a bad boyfriend to her. The issues of cheating and trust are important to Jojo, as she has alluded to those being issues in her last relationship.

You may recall that this infamous ex, Chad, has cropped up a few times—during Ben’s season, Jojo told Ben that her previous relationship had been marred by cheating and insecurity, then at the end of the season, once Jojo had finally moved on completely, ex-BF Chad sent Jojo flowers and an apology note.  GET LOST! Isn’t that always the way? It’s the Swingers phenomenon—the moment that you finally, TRULY, completely get over an ex, THAT is the moment when they will come calling.  You can’t be bluffing—you must TRULY be over the ex, then he/she will show up on your doorstep. It has happened to me a few times and it’s like these dudes can SMELL that you’re finally feeling happy and confident. Ugh. Dating is hell.

The guys are suspicious of the article and discuss it as Jojo and Jordan dance in the streets with a live band (Jordan is a HORRIBLE DANCER—did anyone else see that? I was having flashbacks to Chris Bukowski). Jojo is floating on air after the date and of course, that’s the exact moment when the producers hand her a copy of the InTouch on camera. MAXIMUM EMOTIONS!!!!! The article upsets her greatly (and is a maneuver straight out of an episode on UnREAL because, as my pal Dava said, art imitates life imitates art) and Jojo goes straight to the guys and explains that Chad’s a bad guy and she’s truly here to find a husband. The guys love her even more after all of that, so EAT IT, CHAD. 

The next day is a group date for Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James Taylor, Vinny, Grant, Wells, and Alex and their activity is sand surfing which is mostly “Sand Falling While Derek Mopes Around.” 

At the after party, the guys all want to move forward and forget the InToch incident and Jojo makes a joke that she’s DONE with Chads (and you know that somewhere in America, a sad Chad was like, “Not All Chads!”).  Chase seems to mis-use the word “complicit” (I couldn’t quite hear, but it seemed that way), Alex reveals that he doesn’t like Derek, and Derek pulls Jojo aside and admits that he has been feeling insecure.  During his 1:1 time, Alex says that THIS way of dating is “more real” than the game-playing involved in text messaging and flirting in the real world, which is rich since HE IS LITERALLY ON A SHOW THAT IS A GAME. Oh Alex, you’re a Tiny Hero with the emotional intelligence of an even tinier dum dum. When it’s time for Jojo to hand out the date rose, she gives it to Derek saying that she wants to give him reassurance. Alex thinks Derek’s an “insecure little bitch” (ouch) and says “I don’t need reassurance,” which is ironic thing to say when you’re having a temper tantrum. 

I'm Alex and I don't need any reassurance! Only wimps need reassurance! I AM FINE!

The next day, Robby and Jojo share a 1:1 date during which they eat lunch, try on hats (RIP the volume in Robby’s hair), then jump off a cliff into water. That night they have dinner and Robby pulls a move that Chris Harrison would call UNPRECEDENTED—he says straight up “I love you” so damn early in the season! Usually participants are struggling with those words when it’s down to the Final 3 or so, but dropping the L Bomb when you’re 1 of 11 dudes!?! Wow.  But we learn that Robby makes rash decisions as he shares that his friend died and it inspired him to dump his girlfriend of 3.5 years, quit his job, and move cities.  Very interesting. From the sounds of it, Robby is still in a transitional phase of his life and if I were Jojo, I wouldn’t be looking to join him in that.

It’s time for the 2^nd cocktail party/rose ceremony of the episode and once the guys are assembled, Derek pulls aside Robby, Chase, Alex, and Jordan to accuse them of being “Mean Girls.”  I simply LOVE watching men get snippy and petty with each other. Essentially, Derek feels excluded and only further isolates himself by calling it out.

Derek is the Lindsay Lohan before it all went so wrong

Chris Harrison shows up to inform the guys that Jojo has requested no cocktail party because there’s “no reason to delay the inevitable.” Ya hear that, Evan? You can’t weasel your way into a power move to remain safe this week! Evan says, “I want to be a freakin’ front runner” and you almost felt sorry for him, ya know? But also, Jojo is completely out of your league,  buddy, and it’s time to get back to reality and help your limp dicked clients. 

Jojo enters wearing a dark green dress with a high slit (awesome), metallic gold belt (great), and side cut outs (NOT my favorite) and starts handing out the flowers.  The order is:

-Luke (the size of his pecs is becoming gross)

-Chase (looking nice but sometimes those eyes look sleeeepy)

-Alex (who needs to sit down & mind his own business a lil bit)

-James Taylor (who I just can’t quite get on board with) and finally…

-Wells (SuitWatch 2016 continues)

Heading home are Evan, Grant, and barber Vinny. I’m glad those guys got haircuts when they could because Vinny’s heading back to Florida to regale his pals with stories and shape ups. Vinny and Evan cry but Grant holds it together. 

Next week the gang is headed to Buenos Aires, Argentina where Jordan will be in the hot seat, as the other dudes think he’s there for the fame. Ya know who just miiiiiiight also have an agenda and is right under your nose, boys? THE GUY WHO KEEPS PULLING OUT HIS DAMN GUITA-- JAMES TAYLOR!! Don’t let his lumpy look fool you!

Are you exhausted from all that reading, lovebug? Then give your eyes a rest and let your ears have some fun while listening to the latest episode of The Fantasy Suite--the podcast where Dava Krause and I discuss all things Bach. This week we're joined by guest Kim Rittberg! All eps here.