Last night was like my own personal Christmas, if the gifts that Santa brought took the form of tipsy, ballgown-clad single gals shamelessly flirting with a blonde Ken doll who was sure that their drunken antics were all part of God’s plan for him. Hell to the yes, here we go again! Last night was the inaugural episode of Sean Lowe’s season as the bachelor and it did not disappoint! In the season preview, we saw footage of girls in bikinis, roller derby, ambulances, and a MedEvac removal! LOVE IS IN THE AIR!
Let’s start at the beginning, though: Sean Lowe. You must remember Sean as the guy who made it to the final 3 in (gorgeous, blonde) Emily Maynard’s season. Read my recap of that here. Sean’s a 29 year old Texan who is HOT, buff, and blonde but a bit of a cheesedick simpleton. Can’t win ‘em all.
We were treated to a montage of Sean working out shirtless and once he finished lifting, who came knocking on his door but Arie, the dude who was in the top 2 of the Emily Maynard’s Bachelorette season. Arie STILL inexplicably appears to have JUST recovered form a horrible flu, which is how he looked throughout Emily’s season, though his good kissing made up for the fact that he resembled a race car driving zombie. Sean & Arie are great pals because they both got negged by the same woman (what better a foundation for friendship than shared rejection?) In the most scripted, producer-forced scene EVER, we watched Arie give Sean some advice about how to be a good kisser. Or maybe that’s when I switched from The Bachelor to the channel playing reruns of The Wonder Years. Sean soaks in the kissing tips (only about 15 years too late!) from a guy who MUST be a good kisser, since his body is probably TERRIBLE, given that his favorite “sport” is driving, so he needs to have SOME appeal.
Then the sun sets and we’re at the bachelor mansion, where beloved, inveterate Bachelor franchise host Chris Harrison (himself now a Bachelor—HEYO!) is waiting to greet Sean. We are treated to a sneak peak of some of the ladies, and there are some characters:
-Desiree is a brunette bridal stylist from LA. She tries on a wedding dress, which feels a bit bonkers, but overall I get a good vibe from her.
-Tierra is a 24 year old brunette from Colorado who wears a cross pendant horizontally, which seems like the religious version of flying an American flag upside down as a sign of duress. As I’ve said before, I’m all for wearing symbols of your faith, but I’ve never seen a cross worn horizontally—is that a thing? Tierra refers to Sean as her “future hubby” and with that, I loathed her.
-Robyn is a quirky engineer from Houston TX who likes stretching and flips. Save that tidbit for later.
-Diana is a single mother of 2 from Utah who owns her own salon (and has dope light brown hair with blonde highlights to prove it). She seems normal—how did she get mixed up in this Bachelor business!?!?
-Sarah is blonde, cute, 26, from LA and has one arm. Yes. As I told my Bach vieweing mates, “Well, I can’t make fun of her.” (Not even a joke about Rick Allen, Def Leppard’s one armed drummer? NO!)
-Ashley P. is from MI and cute, but obviously made the mistake of telling the producers that she liked the book 50 SHADES OF GREY and they ran with it (presumably because she lacks a real personality). Ashley explained that she wants Sean to rip off her clothes and spank her. Apparently she has no idea what Sean’s like. Good luck, weirdo!
-Leslie is blonde and a native Arkansan, which makes me love her immediately. I have a lot of wonderful family in Searcy, AR and I’m glad we have some Razorback representation in the Bach house.
-Kristy is a “model” based in Wisconsin (so we can assume that her “modeling career” involves posing in quarterly dairy catalogues) who insists that the other women will be jealous of her. Ohh, it’s the token woman who hates other women. There’s always one (or two—cough—Tierra--cough). You’re hiding your insecurity so well, Kristy!
-AshLee is a light brown haired professional organizer (which is a job that definitely SOUNDS like a joke, but isn’t. Props to my pal Carrie Gravenson who owns a professional organizing company!) She's pretty & very sweet.
Before we know it, the sneak peak clips are over and the limos are pulling up! 25 open back dresses aren't going to flirt with themselves--let's get it going!
The limos begin rolling in and we meet all 25:
-AshLee: the professional organizer was in a KNOCKOUT red dress with fantastic (brown) hair. She started things strong (though my viewing mates suspect that she thinks she doesn't deserve love. What is this, Freud class?)
-Jackie: long, red/brown hair from FL and porcelain skin. Looking good, and she gives Sean a kiss on the cheek and leaves a bright lipstick mark. Cute.
-Selma: gorgeous, raven haired beauty in a black, mermaid cut gown (my fave). She pulls a napkin out of her boobs and wipes Sean's face with it. Smells like sweaty breasts!
-Leslie: a light skinned black girl who is a poker dealer and seems to have a quick, fun personality. She says "holy Toledo" and "Mr. McSteamy" upon meeting Sean, which is cute, but a bit awkward.
-Daniella: a "commercial casting associate" (umm... unemployed?) from CA who my viewing mates promptly nicknamed "Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie." She forces Sean to do a "handshake" that's more like a hand jive, because apparently Daniella learned everything she needed to know about flirting during Girl Scout camp.
-Kelly: an overly bronzed, bottle blonde cruise ship entertainer from Tennessee. Good Lord. She breaks out in a song about "Sean and Kelly" while Sean shares a wicked case of dumb chills with America.
-Katie: a curly-haired brunette who needs someone to tell her that after she conditions her hair, she should use a wide-toothed comb in the shower, and then NOT TOUCH the curls. Also, she's a yoga instructor and arrived barefoot. Barf!
-Ashley P: 50 SHADES OF HEEEEEY is here and she's got a trick up her sleeve (and by "trick" I mean "man's tie" and by "sleeve" I mean "dress.") She immediately starts talking books, then she pulls the tie out of her bra and makes a joke, to which Sean responds, "I'm guessing I know the symbolism of this?" Girl, stop stuffing your bra with men's ties (they do NOT make your boobs look bigger--TRUST ME, I'm an A cup) and stop assuming that Sean reads books. The only book Sean reads is the manual to his Bow Flex (and probably The Bible).
-Taryn: she's a light blonde health club manager and she's got the dope guns to prove it! I like her right away--she has a cute, blue dress and an interesting side braid thing going on. Nice.
-Catherine: she's a dark haired gal from Seattle and appears to be part Asian. Super pretty and nice.
-Robyn: the spunky engineer from before decides to backflip her way into the house, but takes a SPILL on the 2nd flip. Oh gurl. I haven't seen a Bach entrance that bad since Stevie, the professional Party MC arrived on Emily's season of The Bachelorette and came in carrying a boom box so that he'd have jams to accompany his DANCE. YES! Take a spin down that Memory Lane here. Robyn recovers and although she's a bit awkward, she's sweet.
-Lacey: super blonde in a silver dress who tells Sean that her friends call her "Lace" ( your friends are AMAZING at making up nicknames), so she gives Sean a lace heart. Lacey, you should get some lowlights to break up the uniformity of your blonde. Just sayin'
-Paige: a brunette in a blue dress who operates the JumboTron (rad job) and was on Bachelor Pad 3. Huh. That's weird. Stay tuned on her.
-Tierra: a gorgeous brunette in platform heels and a layered dress (she removed the horizontal cross for the big night). Apparently Sean is a sucker for open heart tattoos on ring fingers, because after she shows him that, he RUNS into the house and grabs a rose for her. It's amazing when you can watch the precise MOMENT when a person becomes insufferable.
-Amanda: a brunette fitness model with bright red lips and a cute black & white dress. She says that to avoid awkwardness they should hold hands and stare at each other in silence, which seems like a pretty awkward way to fight awkwardness, but perhaps it's a "fight fire with fire" approach. She's cute.
-Keriann: a cute, light brown haired girl who maked a LOTTA mistakes right away. First off, she wore a MULLET dress (short in front, long in back, much like Stephanie Seymour's wedding dress in the video for "November Rain") and either she doesn't know how to use a curling iron or her extensions were BAD.
-Desiree: the brunette bridal stylist that we met earlier. She looks fantastic and does a cute thing where she and Sean throw pennies in the fountain & make a wish. I'm guessing that they wished for at least 1 girl to get fall down drunk because that wish came true.
-Sarah: cute blonde in a white dress with 1 arm. She has a nice conversation with Sean and doesn't address the arm thing, which seemed wise.
-Brooke: beautiful black woman with curly, short red hair and a black, tassel-y dress. She seems friendly & sexy, but her hair was a little Betty Boop for my taste.
-Diana: the single mom who we met before. She's wearing a fishtail braid (so hot right now! How the eff do you do those things?) and a cute black & white striped dress.
-Lesley: the blonde Arkansan was in a sparkly, blue dress and carrying a football. She says that they are going to run a play and has Sean bend down to snap her the ball. But it's all an elaborate scheme for Lesley to get a good view of Sean's taint. Well played!
-Kristy: the "model" from WI who hates women makes a joke about the other women. Of COURSE she does! Her brown hair & blue dress look nice though.
-Ashley: yet another "model" but this one is from Colorado! Who knew that the modeling industry was BOOMING across America? Does Tyra know this? (SMIZE!) Ashley was wearing a light turquoise mermaid gown (nice) and said, "Hi Ken, I'm Barbie." Blerg.
-Lauren: a blonde in a glittery, tan dress who hails from Rhode Island. She's cute, but I'd advise her against leading with a mafia joke about her father breaking Sean's knees. But what do I know!
-Lindsay: she walked up in a wedding dress and veil and I wish I were kidding. Somebody got into the pre-show Champagne HARD and Lindsay is her name.
That's 25... but wait... there's one more person (OMG OMG OMG this is so dramatic and unprecedented!)...
-Kacie B (aka Poor Man's Minka Kelly) from Ben's season. You might remember her as the baton twirler from Tennessee whose father is a teetotling parole officer. Yowza! She's back for a 2nd tour of duty on The Bach and it seems like she and Sean must have met at a Bach party before. She looks gorgeous and Sean welcomes her into the house (which is nice since the other girls were none too pleased to see her).
Finally, all 26 ladies are in the STD Shack--I mean, Bachelor mansion--and the cocktail party/smack-talking session can begin! 50 Shades of Grey immediately makes a rude remark about Wedding Dress Girl, and isn't THAT the pot calling the kettle shameless. But wait--everything's different now, as Sean is simply giving out roses throughout the cocktail party. The girls are flabbergasted and begin asking how many roses there are and how people are getting roses. One girl exclaims, "It's like there are no rules!" Yeah, like how it works IN THE REAL WORLD. (Cause if there were rules/fairness in dating, I wouldn't have been stood up on New Year's Eve 2000 by a JAG who went to a safety school.)
During the cocktail party Sean gives roses to Desiree, Betty Boop Brooke, Selma, Robyn, Jackie and a few others, prompting one gal to ask, "Is he allowed to do that?" to which Desiree brilliantly replied, "I think he can do whatever he wants." HELL YEAH HE CAN! He's The Bach! You guys keep on obeying traffic laws--Sean will be cruising at a speed of WHATEVER THE EFF HE WANTS miles per hour.
Paige (the brunette Jumbotron operator who needs to learn to swing her arms less when she walks) is OUTRAGED that The Bachelor isn't following the traditional formula and confronts Sean, saying, "Seriously, WHAT IS going on with the roses?" Oh gurl. Prom and sorority rush seasons must have been hard for you.
Lindsay (wedding dress girl) gets some 1:1 time with Sean, during which she explains that she's just a "goofball" (that's what unstable people ALWAYS say) and privately wonders if Sean doesn't "get the joke." Oh I think he gets it. And he's just not that into you.
Ashely P (50 Shades of PAY ATTENTION TO ME) is sloppy drunk and dancing on her own (good song by Robyn, bad move if you want to stay in the house). Finally she gets some 1:1 time with Sean and he jokes that he brought his rape whistle, which prompted an applause break in my apartment (hey hey, look who cracked a funny! Maybe Sean isn't such a simpleton after all!). Ashley starts a sentence with the phrase, "When you were dumped by Emily" which isn't the most sensitive way to talk about his previous relationship. Her fate is sealed (though it really has been since she pulled that tie out from between her ta-tas).
Taryn has a weepy pity party on the stairs while the girl who was BORN WITH ONE ARM talks about her medical condition very candidly & openly to Sean. Taryn, I love ya blonde beauty, but quit your whining: YOU HAVE TWO ARMS! Sarah makes a great impression and Sean gives her a rose. Privately, Sarah admits that she often feels like she doesn't deserve what everyone else gets. What is this, transcripts from MY sessions with my therapist?
Finally, it's time for the rose ceremony and the girls are grouped in castes (if it's good enough for Indian society, it's good enough for The Bachelor!). The girls with roses (Brahmins) are on one riser and the have-nots (Pariah/Untouchables) are on the other. 12 girls have roses, 14 do not, and Sean has 7 to give out. Good Lord I'm having traumatic math class flashbacks, but thanks to some quick number crunching on my TI-82, I can safely say that 7 ladies are going home. Who gets those 7 roses?
-Amanda (awkward stare girl, great lipstick)
-Leslie M. (taint misbehavin' Arkansas blonde)
-Kacie B. (repeat offender)
-Kristy (WI tractor model)
-Daniella (Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie)
-Taryn (weepy gym girl and I'm glad she's safe)
-Lindsay (wedding dress girl)
So who got negged?
-Kelly (cruise ship singer aka Floating Trash)
-50 Shades of See Ya In Hell
-Ashley H (Colorado ski slope model)
-Lacey (even her AWESOME nickname couldn't save her! I hope she seeks lowlights)
-Keriann (maybe next time curl the BACK of your head?)
-Paige (Sean passed up his opportunity to be on the Kiss Cam!)
This season looks fantastic and I'm SO excited to lambaste some ladies (only the ones who deserve it!) for your reading pleasure. Please feel free to comment & check back next week! :) xoxo