“There is literally a tornado of negativity waiting to happen” –Daniella (Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie).
Last night started off the beloved Bachelor tradition of date cards and, as Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie so ineloquently described above, it brought out more drama than your high school production of “Godspell.”
The episode started off with some gratuitous shots of Sean working out and showering, because the only people who watch The Bachelor are women and gay men who both live on a steady diet of wine and chiseled pecs. Meanwhile, Chris Harrison was back at the Bach Brothel with the first date card in hand. Who was the lucky winner of the auspicious first 1:1 date? Sarah (blonde with one arm aka Def Leppard Drummer). Sean shows up in a helicopter because, season after season, The Bach’s producers force me to make tired Magnum P.I. jokes. (OH, I WILL!) Sean scoops up Sarah and they fly off while the helicopter winds WHIP the other ladies in their faces like airborne rejection. Sarah is thrilled that she’s the first 1:1 date, especially since she has a “disability” that she explained to Sean on the first night. He says, “I didn’t need an explanation—she’s gorgeous!” In Sean’s world, looks trump limbs. I understand what he MEANS and it’s fantastic perspective, but it comes off as Sean saying that good looks aren’t everything, THEY ARE THE ONLY THING, ya know? Sean and Sarah fly to downtown LA where they are going to “free fall” down the side of a tall building. They suit up, harness up, and slip down the side of a glass building like it’s a low budget rollercoaster. Somehow, they manage to make the whole thing completely snoozeworthy—congrats, you two boring kids! After their daytime activity (during which they became SO MUCH CLOSER because Bach activities are like sorority pledging in that they force intimacy REAL QUICK), Sean and Sarah change for an evening of wine sipping and soul baring. Sarah shares the story of when she was prohibited from ziplining in Las Vegas because of her disability and somehow that justifies her need for a big, strong man to protect her (I may have missed some lines, as during said convo I was barfing into my “This is What a Feminist Looks Like” tote bag). At the end of the date, Sean gives Sarah a rose and a kiss and she says that she feels like she’s falling in love with Sean. Let me remind you that she LITERALLY MET HIM YESTERDAY. (THAT is the correct meaning of “literal,” Daniella.)
Back at the house the ladies are chilling out and it looks like an issue of InTouch that I recently bought: Celebs Without Make-Up. Yikes! You ladies know that you’re still on camera, right? Put on a little under eye concealer, would ya? Date card #2 arrives and the lucky 13 ladies who are going on a Bachelor field trip are: Kristy (WI model who apparently wears extensions—more on that later), Amanda (awkward pause who suddenly has weird skin), Brooke (Betty Boop), Lesley M (Arkansas taint looker), Kacie B., Catherine, Robyn (backflip blunder), Katie (needs curl separator BADLY), Selma, Diana (hairdresser), Taryn (platinum blonde), Daniella (Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie), and Tierra. The card says “Let’s capture the romance,” and I’m PRAYING that this will be some sort of kidnapping caper.
My dreams of kidnapping hi-jinx are dashed when the 13 gals load up the limos, start chugging mimosas, and arrive at a huge mansion where they all have verbal diarrhea about Sean being a prince and each of them being princesses. They line up and Kacie B. stands at the back because she’s a senior at a freshman party, so she doesn’t want to look too eager (TOO LATE, GURL). They learn that the activity is a photo shoot for the covers of harlequin romance novels. Each girl will be photographed with Sean and one lucky lady will land a 3 book cover deal! What is this, America’s Next Top Model? (No, because if it were, Tyra would have done a SUPER corny introduction and the photo shoot would take place in a cage, underwater, while swimming with bloodthirsty sharks because the premises on that show are frittity whack ridic.) Kristy is SO excited because she’s a Wisconsin based “model” and she knows the drill. But will her experiences from all of those John Deere catalogue shoots give her an advantage at this Harlequin shoot? While the ladies get their hair and make-up done, we learn that Kristy has extensions, which Tierra thinks is horrible. I hate to agree with Tierra on anything, but I do in this case. Robyn gets her make-up done in a chair directly next to Tierra but that doesn’t stop her from talking smack about Tierra, and suddenly I adore Robyn. We see a clip of Tierra saying that she “didn’t come here to meet friends,” and I want to shake her and say, “the cliché, overused refrain of unpopular reality TV contestants is that I didn’t come here to MEET friends, Tierra. MEET! If you want to be this season’s Vienna or Courtney, you’d better learn your lines!”
The 13 gals are split up into four different looks: cowgirls, vampires, sexy, and historical. Sorry, vampires and historical: you got the short end of the stick. In her cowgirl photo shoot, Lesley M. (Arkansas blonde) shows some tummy and kisses Sean on camera, which immediately pisses off all the other ladies. In her sexy photo shoot, Tierra wraps her leg around Sean’s waist but she is outdone by Kristy (THE PROFESSIONAL!) whose sexy photo shoot includes lots of touching and even implied nudity. What kind of modeling do they DO in Wisconsin!? Kristy lands the 3 book deal, so even if she doesn’t find love on The Bachelor, at least she found a bit of work for her (probably pathetic) portfolio. Katie’s already bad hair has gotten even WORSE, as the hairdresser must have teased her hair for the vampire photo shoot. Oh gurl, there isn’t enough deep conditioner in the world…
That evening at the wrap party, Sean has a lot of 1:1 conversations. He has a nice chat with Lesley M. and they eventually kiss. Busted Peaches & Cream further reveals just how stupid she is. Catherine says that she’s vegan, but she loves the beef (as in, Sean’s a beefcake). Kacie B. checks in with him to see if she hasn’t completely embarrassed herself by coming in the show a 2nd time. (No matter what he says, Kacie, YOU HAVE.) While these gals interact with Sean, Tierra PUTS BACK a couple plates full of crudite like me at a wedding cocktail hour where I’m trying to eat a $75 gift and a plane ticket’s worth of shrimp cocktail and veggies with ranch dressing. Finally Tierra gets some face time with Sean during which she says that she’s just here for Sean and she’s outside her comfort zone and that’s why she’s a Mean Girl Biddy, blah blah blah. Katie (horrible hair) has a chat with Kacie B. (Poor Man’s Minka Kelly, who might get renamed Pledge Mom, if she keeps this up) about how to handle life in the Bachelor house. Katie says that she’d rather retreat than compete, and I relate to her with that instinct (though I CANNOT relate to that hair—goodness it gets puffier by the minute! Does she not travel with spray-in conditioner? COME ON!). Katie tells Sean that she wants to leave, so he walks her out. I just pray that she finds the conditioner that she so badly needs. At the close of the party, Kacie B. gets the rose for willingly putting herself through this Bach madness 2x.
Date #3 is a 1:1 of Sean and Desiree (wedding stylist, brown hair) and it’s a “funny, innocent prank” during which Sean and Desiree visit an art exhibit and then Desiree is blamed for shattering a $1.5 million statue. SHEER HILARITY! I won’t bore you with the details of this Jamie Kennedy Experiment-style lameness, but Desiree stands there awkwardly as the prank plays out and she just smiles throughout, which somehow proves to Sean that she must have a great sense of humor. Sean says that he wants a woman with personality and that “part of that personality should entail a sense of humor,” and we quickly learn that part of Sean’s personality doesn’t “entail” a sense of what the word “entail” means.
After the art gallery prank, Sean and Desiree head to Sean’s house where they eat steak and then immediately get into their swimsuits because somehow food bellies don’t exist in Bach Land. They sit in the jacuzzi and spout off pronouncements about the meaning of love and marriage before moving over to the pool where they make out HARD. He gives her the rose and says that he likes Desiree because she’s “weird and goofy.” Let me tell you, sweet pussycats, weird and goofy NEVER win the day in Bach Land. Remember fatass Bachelor Bob’s season? He chose the gorgeous Estella over the funny and weird Kelly Jo. In Bachelor world, looks trump all (limbs AND personality).
Finally, it’s cocktail party and rose ceremony time. Sarah, Kacie B. and Desiree already have roses, so they can chill at the cocktail party and focus on drinking enough to make competitive dating seem OK. The other ladies don’t have that luxury, so they are in hard core flirt and talk mode. Lindsay (girl who arrived shitfaced and in a wedding dress on opening night) jumped on Sean to prove that she’s not an alcoholic runaway bride. She was dressed in a half white, half black dress that looked just like those weird 1980s professional lip synchers who would dress as 2 different characters simultaneously, with hair, make-up and clothing completely different from one side to another (do you know what I mean? Was that a lot of explanation for a completely odd reference?). She reveals that she LOVES family, JUST LIKE SEAN! OMG so much in common, guys! We both breathe in oxygen and OUT carbon dioxide! Stop the show—we found our winner!
Amanda (super smiley) is getting weirder by the minute and the other women in the house are creeped out by her. Not only is her yellow dress with shoulder flowers ATROTIOUS, but her hair is an awful faux beach curl that looks like a mistake AND she appears to be drunk and disoriented/pissed. Robyn has some 1:1 time with Sean at the cocktail party and she asks him flat out if he is attracted to black women. I give her credit for being so gutsy. Sean responds that his last girlfriend was black and that he is open to all races, which I’m sure made Bach producers happy since they have been battling lawsuits alleging that The Bachelor isn’t diverse enough. It’s great to see a bit more diversity this season, but that house is still white as hell. Selma has some face time with Sean and teaches him a phrase in Arabic because this cocktail party is like a producer’s dream as far as proof of diversity. Amanda mopes around until Sean asks her to chat, when she lights up like Guy Smiley and turns on the charm. Blech. Meanwhile, Kacie B. is counseling some younger gals while wearing a tan dress that exactly matches her skin (as you all know, a look that I detest) with her hair in a ½ up, ½ down style that features WAY too much volume at the crown. I didn’t think that was possible, either.
Before you know it, it’s time to line up the ladies for the ‘ole flower hand-out. Two ladies will be going home, but who is safe? The roses are doled out to…
-AshLee (professional organizer who wasn’t invited on any dates this week, so I assume the Bachelor mansion has been completely organized by now)
-Lindsay (wedding dress is moving up in the world!)
-Robyn (being gutsy and gorgeous pays off!)
-Jackie (reddish hair, no dates this week either)
-Lesley M. (Arkansas blonde)
-Selma (like a gorgeous, human Rosetta Stone language learning tool)
-Catherine (she’s vegan but looks like a normal!)
-Kristy (WI model whose day rate just DOUBLED thanks to those book covers)
-Lesley H (cute black girl who wasn’t invited on any dates this week, so expect more of her next week)
-Tierra (Aww snap guess who is eating a little HUMBLE PIE!)
-Taryn (light blonde who is looking GREAT with some Bump Its in her hair)
-Daniella (Busted Peaches & Cream Barbie, who ironically isn’t smart enough to have a professional resume as extensive as Barbie’s)
-Amanda (Batman villain Two Face, but with the inability to master a uniform curl)
So who’s taking the limo ride to Loserville?
-Brooke (Betty Boop who was looking GORGEOUS at the rose ceremony but I think she’s too sensual for Sean)
-Diana (hairdresser single mom)
Overall, not a shocking elimination. What’s in store next week? Looks like a group date at an amusement park, a kissing contest, and Tierra in a neck brace. Apparently she didn’t come here to “meet” friends, but she did come here to fall down the stairs and then blame her own clumsiness on her non-friends. Stay tuned!