Last night's episode of The Bachelorette included Miss Piggy & Kermit (the greatest couple in the world), a "Rainbow Connection" sing-along (which is ironic since The Bachelor's producers would NEVER showcase a same-sex couple), and American Psycho (Kalon) turning up the American Psycho to 11.
The guys are all bunking in the Charlotte, NC mansion that Kalon refers to as a "frat house from hell on steroids" and I'm loving every gratuitous shot of tan thugs in swim trunks. Chris Harrison kicks off the episode by telling them how this week will play out. First off will be a 1:1 date for one lucky guy, then a group date for 13 not-so-lucky guys, and finally another 1:1 date. Remember how the 1:1 dates go, sweet pussycats--the guy must pack his bags before the date. So he goes on the date knowing that he's either returning to the (frat) house (from hell on steroids) triumphantly with a rose on his collar, or being shuttled off in a livery car, never to be seen again (except on an even lower D list reality TV show in which he can leverage his fame as a Bachelorette reject).
The first 1:1 date card is for Ryan, the personal trainer with a razor sharp jaw, dimples, and bad hair. Emily picks him up and they bake cookies at her house, which he seems completely disappointed by, despite his insistence that he's having a great time. They drive to little Ricki's soccer game to give her team the cookies, but Ryan waits in the car like a creepy weirdo who isn't allowed within 50 feet of children. It's a good call, though--Emily isn't going to have little Ricki meet all of these dudes and she's right to do that.
Speaking of navigating the world of single-parenting: while Ryan and Emily are on cookie duty, back at the house all the dudes are poolside, talking about parenting. Tony and Doug have a lot to say, since they both left kids at home to be on the show. Kalon makes a careless comment that Emily has "put being a mom on hold" to do this show, and Doug jumps on him, saying that a parent NEVER just "puts it on hold" and that it's hard to balance a child and career or relationships. I'm with Doug and so is the rest of the house. And with that, American Psycho has managed to alienated everyone in the house. (For Bach die-hards: Kalon is this season's Courtney or Vienna or the guy who broke Man Code from Jillian's season). In Kalon's defense, he was probably raised by a nanny and then sent to boarding school at age 4, so I'm sure that his knowledge of parenting is limited.
Back on the 1:1 date, Emily and Ryan have gotten dressed up and go out to dinner on the town. After dinner, Emily's "favorite" band (read: the band that ABC could afford to book) plays a concert, during which Emily and Ryan dance on an elevated stage in the midst of Charlotte locals. Overall, a cute date, and Ryan goes home with a rose.
The date card has arrived at the mansion and Alejandro (Menudo-looking Colombian), Alessandro (shaggy haired Brazilian), Nate (bland), Tony (squirrely single dad), Stevie (professional dance machine/cheeseball), Michael (long haired Austin dude), Jon (Wolf), Jef (hipster), Charlie (sweet guy who broke his whole body in a porch collapse), Kyle (teacher), Aaron (bland), and Kalon (caused 2008 economic collapse) are the picks. Emily's note says, "Let's set the stage for love" and Captain Obvious Stevie immediately blurts out that they MUST be performing on the date, which he loves cause he's a PARTY MC, people!
The next day they report to a theater and learn their fate: the 13 guys and Emily will be putting on a family-friendly variety show, along with the Muppets. Yes, Miss Piggy, Kermit, and Fozzie Bear are there to show these boys how it's done. Fozzie teaches a few of the guys how to do standup (painful to watch), another group of guys learn an opening dance number (and Stevie gets a dance solo with Miss Piggy, which has got to be better than his usual gig of DJ-ing New Jersey bar mitzvahs), and a few other guys sing or whatever. It's cute and we learn that Charlie's injuries (from the porch collapse incident) were so bad that he has a speech impediment and has a hard time speaking extemporaneously. You'd think he'd score a rose for performing despite this hardship, but nope--at the wrap party, Emily instead gives a rose to pomadour hipster Jef. (Note: big ups to Greg Pope for correcting me on Charlie's injuries. Originally I said "car accident" but Pope set me straight. Dude knows his Bach information!) The photo below is a good summation of the day: Stevie (left) is earnest and overcommitted, Chris (middle) is hot and doesn't really care, Kalon (right) wishes this show were called Millionaire Bachelorette, so he wouldn't be forced to associate with the 99%.
The wrap party wasn't completely disappointing, though, as Stevie and Kalon have words. Stevie tells Kalon (who he calls "Chopper" because he can't remember Kalon's weird name) that he doesn't like him and that he's an uppity snob. Kalon refers to himself as "eloquent" and says that Stevie is wise to be threatened by him. I wish these two would fistfight.
The final 1:1 is with Joe, the sweet-faced guy with slicked-back hair (but he pulls it off) and nice eyes. Emily and Joe hop on a private jet bound for West Virginia (a place where not many private jets touch down, I'm guessing) and visit The Greenbrier, a hotel and resort that Emily used to visit as a child. It resembles the resort from "Dirty Dancing" and if only Emily and Joe had the chemistry of Baby and Johnny Castle. They go swimming, then clean up and have a romantic dinner beneath a clock that's some sort of magical wish-giving clock. Over dinner, Emily asks Joe where he sees himself in 5 years and Joe evades the question by asking Emily where SHE sees HERSELF in 5 years. Have you been taking conversation lessons from a sub-par therapist, Joe? After that, they write their wishes on paper, read them aloud, and then put them in the wish-giving clock. The wish-giving clock must be broken, because I doubt Joe's wish was for Emily to start crying and then unceremoniously send him home, but that's what happened.
Soon it's time for another cocktail party and rose ceremony. Ryan gave Emily a hand-written, 7 page letter that she read aloud while Tony awkwardly stood there with the two of them. Hello, Third Wheel!
Let's get to the 'ole handing-out-of-the-roses, shall we? Who didn't get dropped like a watermelon being carried to a party by Baby? -Kalon (Snob City, USA, population: 1)
-Arie (race car driver, they had some good chat at the cocktail party)
-Michael (inoffensive, long hair, he'll last a few more weeks)
-Nate (highly forgettable)
-Sean (blonde guy who MIGHT be a psychopath)
-Chris (intense eyes, they had a good chat at the wrap party)
-Doug (having an 11 year old at home is paying off IN SPADES)
-Travis (dude who brought the ostrich egg)
-Tony (had to watch Ryan & Emily fall in love moments before)
-Jon (WOLF! The all-time most boring WOLF)
-Alessandro (the language barrier is keeping him alive in this game)
-Charlie (sweet guy, but might not have enough edge for Emily)
-Alejandro (he's only on The Bachelorette until his new Menudo cover band takes off)
Who scored the FINAL ROSE?
-Mr. Pump Up The Jam himself, STEVIE!
So who got rejected on national TV and what can wear learn from them?
-Aaron (if you are a biology teacher and you wear hipster glasses, sometimes you just end up looking like a mad scientist)
-Kyle (sometimes it's important to develop something called a personality)
In the "scenes from next week" segment, we saw Emily throw a giant egg on the driveway, which either means that Travis is going home OR Emily friggin' HATES omelettes. Find out next Monday!
Thx for the recap! Keep em' coming :)
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