On Monday, May 14th ABC kicks off a new season of "The Bachelorette" and my life has purpose once again! Gorgeous, single mom Emily is the bachelorette this season (she won Brad's season, but that fell apart real fast) and I'm sure that she will be great. You can check out her options on ABC's homepage here:
I already see some winners in the bunch (and by "winners" I mean "complete losers"):
-She has a handful of international Romeos. Interesting choice!
-Arie from The Netherlands answers his lame questionnaire this way:
What is your greatest achievement to date?
Driving in the INDY 500!
Hey Arie, her late baby daddy was a race car driver and a professional one at that. You might want to cut it with bragging about race car driving. Just a tip!
-Charlie is cute, 32, and a native Masshole! Hell yeah! I can't tell who messed up the spelling, though. His hometown is listed as "Worchester, MA." It's spelled Worcester and pronounced Woosta-- get it right, ABC!
-Jackson is a "fitness model" from Chicago, IL who is spouting off Dave Matthews Lyrics already. Someone hand me the barf bag, please!
-Joe is 27 and from Florida. He seems like a bit of a cheesedick, but perhaps a charming cheesedick.
-Kyle is 29 and from California, and he claims that his favorite movies are:
Zoolander, The Notebook, Point Break
Seriously, Kyle? I suppose I can believe choices 1 and 3, but "The Notebook" is one of your favorite movies? Stop kissing ass--the show hasn't even begun yet. Take it easy.
-Michael is 26 and from TX. I'll let his awful answer to this question speak for itself:
Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why?
John Mayer - His storytelling/lyrics and songwriting
Bruno Mars - He's unique
Justin Timberlake - He's innovative and a pioneer
PSssst Michael-- you know that even before 2002, there was music, right?
-Nate is 25, from AZ, and HE SHALL BE OUR LEADER!
Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious and why?
Center of attention – I believe I put here on earth to lead people and spark up enthusiasm within them.
-Ryan is 31, from GA, and a trainer. Enjoy this gem:
Who is your favorite artist and why?
I believe athleticism is the "Art" of movement. Michael Jordan was an incredible Artist.
OMG OMG OMG you guys he's so profound!
-Stevie (YES, HIS NAME IS STEVIE) is a "PARTY MC" (Yes, listed occupation) from New Jersey! Emily had BETTER keep this guy around because he will be a GOLDMINE of unintentional comedy.
As always, I will be writing recaps of "The Bachelorette" all season long. Here we go!