Bachelor Ben FINALE!

Well, by now the word is out—shaggy-haired nerd bachelor Ben picked long-haired nerd Courtney and negged GOOD-HAIRED Lindzi. I guess that Ben fell in love with Courtney the moment she emerged from her limo, said, “What’s up, Cutie Pie” (barf) and awkwardly ambled toward him on that fateful first night.

The final episode took place in Switzerland and the producers pushed those scenic, mountain tops HARD on the viewers. In Monday’s episode it was down to Lindzi and Courtney, and both ladies got to meet Ben’s sister and mother. Lindzi went first and made a great impression. She’s easygoing, friendly, and sweet. Ben’s mother sat Lindzi down for some 1:1 chat time and Lindzi made some weird facial expressions, but I chalk that up to nerves. Meeting a dude’s parents is hard enough, but add a camera crew taping the conversation, and it must be hell (just like WAR, right William Tecumseh Sherman?) Ben’s sister had some chat time with Lindzi on the deck (and their standing placement was SO specific that I wondered if the production assistants had taped markings on the floor) and she asked some key questions. Specifically, Ben’s sister asked Lindzi why Courtney hadn’t gotten along with the other women in the house (Ben had mentioned that to his family). Lindzi answered tactfully, saying that Courtney conducted herself in a way that Lindzi would not have, and that she and Courtney are VERY different. I wish she’d laid it on a bit thicker, but she didn’t want to smack-talk Courtney TOO much, so she played it safe. I feel that.

That evening, Ben and Lindzi had a date, during which Lindzi’s tendency to be too cute and corny reared its ugly head once more. (Does a tendency have a “head,” technically? No—but just rock with me here.) Early in the season, I wasn’t big on Lindzi. Then she really grew on me and I adored her parents. But in the eleventh hour, in Switzerland, I was like, “Oh yeah THAT is why I found her kind of annoying at first.” At the end of the date, she softly whispered, “I love you” to Ben, like the last words of “Lady In Red” and I almost barfed up my macaroni & cheese TV dinner. (How lazy are you, if you can’t be bothered to make your own darn mac & cheese, and you buy a frozen version? About as lazy as I was on Monday night. Deal with it, readers!)

The next day it was Courtney’s turn to meet Ben’s family and she managed to fool them via bad posture and nerdy facial expressions. I was hoping that Ben’s mom and sister would be hard on her (since they knew that she hadn’t gotten along with any of the other women), but somehow they had MORE sympathy for her because of this. Foiled again! Courtney served them her same lies (“I tried to make friends with the girls, but they weren’t nice to me!”) and everyone drank the Kool Aid. Blech. Then Courtney and Ben went sledding, made snow angels, and warmed their hands over a fire in the middle of a frozen tundra—standard date stuff. That night they drank wine and Courtney gave Ben a photo scrapbook that she had made (read: the production assistants made). Courtney went back into self-pity mode (her favorite mode) and told Ben that this was REALLY hard for her, as if hasn’t been IN HER EXACT POSITION BEFORE. Oh Courtney—the world doesn’t revolve around you—it revolves around the SUN, and it does so in an elliptical orbit, OK?

Finally, it’s D-Day, which in Bach Land standards for “DIAMOND DAY” (Normandy landing jokes—what what!! I'm on FIRE with the WAR jokes today!). Neill Lane rolls up to Ben’s chalet with a briefcase full of blood diamonds and Ben picks his favorite. We all know that Ben’s mind is made up, but for good measure the producers intersperse shots of him thinking and saying, “I’ve got an important decision to make and it’s a tough one” and the like.

Ben then suits up while Lindzi and Courtney put on black dresses (SO DRAMTIC!) and hop in helicopters. It’s Bachelor tradition that usually the first lady who arrives gets dumped, then the 2^nd arrival is the proposal. I believe that only one Bachelor strayed from this format a few seasons back. Whose helicopter touched down first? Lindzi. And that means she’s going home. Chris Harrison greeted her, took her green cape, and pointed out the pathway that she should walk. But she had to walk it alone--Chris Harrison couldn't accompany her any further. It’s all so symbolic, huh? Lindzi reached Ben and she immediately began rambling, which is exactly what Ben did back when Ashley was the bachelorette and Ben got his heart broken. What is it about subconsciously knowing that you’re going home and getting a wicked case of verbal diarreah? Once Lindzi stopped talking, Ben could interject with his rejection and it was all over in a flash. Lindzi handled it gracefully—no tears, no anger. She hugged him goodbye and said that she hoped he wouldn’t get hurt. I loved how she subtly undermined his relationship with Courtney—zing it on your way out, girlie!

Then Courtney arrived and, although she typifies the competitive, self-hating woman that I loathe, I’ll admit that she picked a gorgeous dress. The elbow-length leather gloves were a little bondage-y, but she made it work (to quote my new inspiration Tim Gunn. I’m reading his book and he RULES. Plus, I got to meet him a few weeks ago when I was on “The Revolution” and he’s an absolute doll face in real life, too. But I digress). Courtney shows up, Ben gets down on one knee, and the ring gets put on the finger—TADA! Courtney IMMEDIATELY calls Ben her “fiancée” which is a horrible word that I hate, so OF COURSE Courtney loves it. Ahh well.

I didn’t watch the “After The Final Rose” special because I refuse to dedicate more than 2 hours/week to The Bachelor, but I heard that post-proposal, Ben “abandoned” Courtney, but now they’re back together. At least for another few weeks.

Thanks for reading my Bach recaps, my sweet muffin baskets. Whatever comes next, be it Emily’s season of The Bachelorette, or Bachelor Pad 3, you know I’ll be recapping. Until then—love and kisses! :)