Ben's Women Tell All

Last night was the traditional "Women Tell All" episode of Ben's Bachelor season, and our favorite rejects were back on the 'ole cathode ray tube!

The episode started off with unnecessary coverage of Bachelor and Bachelorette "alum" gatherings, where dozens of rejects get together in a Vegas night club to get drunk and revel in their D list celebrity. I'm still stymied by the question of the ages: Which group is more pathetic: Real World/Road Rules alums who simply can't let it go, or Bachelor/Bachelorette alums who can't let it go? Will civilization ever hand down a verdict via natural selection?

Finally, Chris Harrison takes us by the hand and introduces the ladies who made the cut for this special (because it's not everybody) and we see all the greatest hits:

-Blogger Jenna who had a meltdown on the first night because she felt threatened by, of all people, cheese ball Monica.

-So yes, Monica was there with her signature bad make-up, cheesy ponytail, and chintzy jewelry. I'll give her credit, though--she made a peace offering (in the form of a tampon) to Jenna, which was big of her. A sweet Bach moment!

-Most of the talking came from Miss. Pacific Palisades herself, Samantha. For a girl who had ZERO chemistry with Ben and who Ben basically yelled at and kicked off the show in the middle of a group date, she sure has a LOT to say! MAJOR props to Brittney (whose skin seems to have cleared up!) for telling Samantha to her face that she was annoying.

-Erika the creepy law school student with awful taste in clothing and the tattoo inside her mouth. Yes, that's a thing.

-Jaclyn, who I liked for a bit of the season, but whose spray tan and caustic attitude didn't win her points in this episode.

-Blakeley (infamous VIP cocktail waitress) who, I'll admit, was nice to EVERYONE else on the show. She never said a bad word about anyone and not only did she take it on the chin during the season, but even in last night's episode. My heart went out to her, but she handled herself with grace and class.

-Jennifer (good kisser, fair skinned) whose hair color is amazing. Just great.

-Jamie the sweetheart (but pretty corny) brunette nurse.

-Emily, the rapping PhD student, who I’ll discuss in greater depth below.

And of course the most recent rejects: Kacie B. and Nicki.

Kacie B. and Nicki both had 1:1 interview time with Chris Harrison, and nothing earth-shattering was revealed. They're both sad, they were blindsided, they still think Ben's great, blah blah blah. Ladies--it's OK to think a guy is terrible. Perhaps they were all saving face b/c they're on TV, but if this were a real break-up, I'd say that it's a necessary step in getting over a guy to think he's a terrible person or an idiot. I still do that with plenty of guys I've dated!

Emily (the blonde PhD student who was super spunky and America was pulling for) also got some time in the hot seat and she made a GREAT point. Chris and Emily talked about how when she tried to warn Ben about Courtney's chicanery, Ben's response was very defensive and unappreciative. Emily touched on an important realization--that the type of guy who she wants to be with isn't the type of guy who would have told her to "tread lightly" and "be careful" (his cryptic advice to Emily), but rather a guy who would appreciate her concern for him. Unlike most of the women on the panel last night (especially Jamie who straight-up offered herself to Ben "if things don't work out”), it seems like Emily sees Ben for who he is... which is a not-so-great guy who is blinded by model looks and mind games. Courtney can have him!

Then, in a move unprecedented in Bachelor history, resident Mean Girl (and member of the top 2), Courtney, appears on the show. Chris treated us to a fun montage of some of Courtney's greatest hits:

-yelling "Winning!" at Emily (cause nothing shows you're top-notch quite like quoting Charlie Sheen).

-asking Kacie how that tasted on her mouth when she had to read the Courtney and Ben date card (what does inside-lip-tattoo think about that? Did that tattoo taste bad when you had it inked?),

-waiting outside Ben's door in her robe, like a house-bound stalker,

-referring to forgiveness as, "bending over and taking it up the tail pipe." Her parents must be so proud!

Courtney "apologized" by saying that she can't take back what she said, but she wishes she could (does that even qualify as an apology? Judges?), then tried to mimic the breathing and physicality of a person who is crying or who possesses empathy for others. Good try! She admitted, in so many words, that she is only repentant because she didn't want her mean antics to ruin her chances with Ben. So you're being nice to the ladies ONLY to get the guy--look at those priorities, folks! I'm glad that the other women jumped on her and called her out. She kept saying that the "trapped in a house with a bunch of women" experience was weird and scary for her and she reacted accordingly. The women were having none of it, saying that the televised brothel experience was weird for ALL OF THEM, but no one else took it out on the other women. Also, umm... Courtney, did you never go to summer camp? Or school anytime from ages birth to 18? Those are all times where you're surrounded by others most of the time. How do you not know how this works?

Finally, Ben came out and he was looking a little worse for wear. I’m a jerk, but I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you of when Brittney said that when it came to Ben, she felt, “absolutely ZERO attraction,” and that is why she left. Love it. Anyhoo, so Ben comes out, a few of the recent rejects effectively ask him why he dumped them, and he dances around the questions. Pretty uneventful.

Next week is the final episode, mi amigos! We find out if Lindzi or Courtney get the “prize” of Ben. If US Weekly is right (and I think they are), Courtney gets the slope-side proposal and network-sponsored engagement ring. Those two horrible kids deserve each other! Stay tuned!