My Bachelor recap is VERY late this week, I know. And I just insulted you within the first two words of this blog entry. I’m a terrible person, but you find my acerbic wit irresistible and charming. Apologies for the belated recap. This week has been pretty nuts with a bunch of shows, a Red Lobster dinner (only the best for my baby, and in this case my baby is me and my pal Sharron), and now I think that I might have Blepharitis. What is Blepharitis, you ask? Well, my best friend Suzanne once had it, too, so perhaps it’s a condition that targets hot blondes. Either way, it’s when your eyelids get red and puffy and you look like you just lost a title fight, but without the bruising and sweat. In short, I look like a wackadoo. So have sympathy for me, wouldja! Let’s get to The Bach, shall we? I’ll try to keep it short since this is so late.
Ben and the 9 remaining ladies fly to Van Halen’s home country, PANAMA! (That VH fact is a lie. Shut up.) The ladies are staying in a Trump Hotel that is the epitome of understatement and subtle classiness. They learn that this week there will be a 1:1 date, a group date, and the dreaded 2:1 date (during which two women must fight to the death for Ben’s affections. Only kidding—one psycho inevitably gets sent home from that three-way.)
The first date (the coveted 1:1) goes to Poor Man’s Minka Kelly (Kacie B.) and she’s fired up. Ben and Kacie hop a helicopter and are dropped on a completely deserted island, sorority-pledging style. They were each permitted to bring only 3 things, and Ben and Kacie proceed to WORK TOGETHER to build a fire, hack down coconuts and drink the milk, and fish with a giant net. I just wish they’d murdered a clueless nerd named “Piggy,” but I guess they were focusing on romance and bonding, and not reenacting “Lord of the Flies.” Somehow they acquire champagne flutes and champagne, which I doubt either of them brought along as their three things. That night they clean up and go out to dinner, where Ben sweats through his shirt while Kacie doles out the requisite Bachelor “why I am who I am in a short soundbite for easy editing.” Turns out, Kacie is who she is because of/in spite of a 1 year dalliance into high school anorexia. She mentions that she can’t relate to people her own age and I have no idea how this ties in with an eating disorder, but she’s wearing hot blue pumps, so I’ll give it to her. She scores a rose.
Up next is a group date during which Ben and 6 of the ladies hop into a long, thin motorboat, then mingle with a local indigenous tribe. What will these producers think of next? Ben puts on a tiny loin cloth (given to him by the tribe’s chief, and no, I’m not talking about Robert Parish), and the ladies put on small, beaded tops and sarong-type wraps over their bikinis. EXCEPT FOR COURTNEY! Courtney’s got to be different and show that she’s free (obsessed with attention) and savvy (willing to shamelessly throw herself at Ben) by opting for NO bikini top beneath, thereby showing off her boobs (to strangers and their children) and becoming a nightmare for the video editor who needs to wield the black censor bar. As expected, Ben loves it and the other women hate her. Later that night, the Ben and his harem have a cocktail party where they drink, chat, and Courtney shows that she’s incapable of accepting an apology with any grace or class. She just keeps getting better! Jamie, who has been pretty cheesy and flown under the radar throughout the season, finally tries to step up her game by talking to Ben and alluding to the fact that she’d like to “do so many things” to him. Oh girl—it’s too much, too late. While she gives this monologue, she’s rocking a gold, plastic top and a ton of gold shimmer eye shadow. Jamie, you’re a SWEET gal and you have a heart of gold, but I have a phone message for you: 1999 called and they want their look back. Toward the end of the night Lindzi (horse girl who claims to wear no make-up, but her make-up was somehow perfect and THICK throughout the rainy boat ride and tribal dancing thing) scores a rose. Courtney is pissed and tells Ben that he should visit her in her hotel room. Things are getting even more “Fatal Attraction” and thankfully, Ben doesn’t show.
Finally, it’s time for the 2:1 date of Ben, Blakeley, and Rachel. Blakeley has been SO fired up for this date, which is weird because everybody knows she’ll definitely be getting the Heisman at the end of it. The trio learn Salsa dancing together and Blakeley alludes to the fact that dancing is something she’s very good at (read: she’s a stripper). Rachel gives it her all, but her idea of “shaking her hips” looks like a bad 90’s music video. The salsa lesson is soon over, and they all change clothes for dinner. Blakeley is dressed in what resembles a tiny, white nightgown with a championship belt and she somehow has confidence for days. Rachel is a bit more laid back with Ben. Each gal gets some 1:1 face time with Ben, during which Blakeley shows Ben a collage scrapbook of delusion and assumption. I’ve seen some corny shit on “The Bachelor” before, but this might qualify as unprecedented. The cover of Blakeley’s scrapbook said “Ben Flanick” and then a bunch of adjectives to describe him. Oh man. Wait, Blakeley, you’re over the age of 14, right? She walks Ben through the scrapbook, page-by-cringeworthy-page, showing him the different words and pictures she has pasted into her scrapbook while he has been busy dating other women. Gurl—sometimes showing interest just isn’t enough. There has to be some “there” there, ya know? The trio reconvene at the dinner table, where Ben gives Rachel the rose and opts to send Blakeley home. Ouch. She cries A LOT and hugs him A LOT, but finally gets in the van.
Meanwhile, Chris Harrison is at Concubine Central and somehow Casey’s ex-boyfriend has contacted him to say that he and Casey are still dating. Chris Harrison confronts Casey and she is first SHOCKED (she almost jumped when he said it), then she admits that she’s not totally over her ex, even though he doesn’t want to get married and she really wants to get married. Chris takes Casey up to Ben’s room, where he appears shocked to see her, despite the fact that you can see a 3 man camera crew in his bedroom. If there were an Emmy category for “Feigning Shock on a Reality TV Show,” this episode of “The Bachelor” would win handily. Casey needs to go home and deal with her ex (so she says—I think she should just walk away, but not walk onto a TV show), so she leaves. NUTS!
That night is a cocktail party and rose ceremony, and walking into the ceremony Kacie B. (Poor Man’s Minka), Lindzi (“Dirt is my make-up! And so is a thick layer of bronzer, eyeliner, blush, and eyeshadow!”), and Rachel (who scored a rose only because she DIDN’T make a collage scrapbook) are safe and have roses. Jamie needs to get more aggressive, as she’s the only girl who hasn’t kissed Ben yet. Ben and Jamie sit down for some 1:1 time during which they engage in the most awkward, forced, clinical “flirting” I’ve ever seen. Finally it’s rose ceremony time and Ben has roses for Nicki, Courtney, and Emily. That leaves awkward sweetheart Jamie with a one-way ticket back to the real world.
Ben and the remaining ladies do a champagne toast and learn the next location where they’ll bounce around in bikinis and enjoy the beauty of nature while being trailed by a camera crew: BELIZE!