On Monday night, ABC kicked off a brand new season of “The Bachelor” and unlike Jake’s season (which was called “The Bachelor” but included the subheading “On The Wings Of Love”), this season is back to being called, simply, “The Bachelor” although I’d like to start a write-in campaign to add the subheading, “How Many Ways Can You Spell Lindsey?” Wine-maker and California boy Ben Flanik is our intrepid new bachelor. We last saw Ben in last year’s season of “The Bachelorette” with Ashley, because why would ABC insert new blood into the show, when they can simply recycle the battered emotions of a face that American has already grown to love or hate? And who else is back for the action, but our beloved host Chris Harrison, who could recite these lines in his sleep by now.
The episode kicks off with some action shots of Ben making wine, drinking wine with friends by a campfire, captaining a sailboat (probably after a wine binge), driving a tractor (inevitably under the influence of wine), and hauling wood. I’ll admit, I’m a woman who loves making fun of other people, but Ben has definitely gotten hotter since he was negged by Ashley. Dude has gotten a nice tan and some great muscles and he’s ready to find love amongst a posse of women who were chosen by a casting director. Here we go!
A selection of women are shown in their hometowns and it feels more like B roll from the “Miss America” pageant with how much these ladies LOVE their home states. OK, Amber, we get it—you’re from Nebraska, you eat cow balls, and your father wears NASCAR gear—take it easy. Let’s get to the good stuff: the limousine-as-clown-car arrivals at the bachelor mansion, where it’s always JUST rained on the driveway. First, here's a group shot:
Here’s my quick run-down, as they arrived:
-Rachel – Blonde in a red dress. Teeth could use some work, but she seems OK.
-Erika – Super cheesy dress that’s a bit too revealing and she literally does gun motions with her hands as she tells him that, “The verdict is in,” and he’s guilty of being too hot or something. I had to plug my ears to keep from getting a severe case of dumb chills, so I stopped listening.
-Amber B – She looks like a mini Stevie Nicks and I like it. Too bad she opened her mouth and started making jokes about how her friends called her “The Baconator” (because her last name is Bacon) and she’s Canadian Bacon b/c she’s from Canada.
-Elyse – Great dress choice, great hair choice (despite its brunette color) and great intro. Nice work.
-Jenna – A freelance writer/blogger from NYC who misquotes Ben to Ben. Awkward. She’s cute and her white dress is a great choice, though.
-Courtney – Greets him with, “Hey, cutie pie” and I already hate her for feigning familiarity with a guy she doesn’t even know. I can tell within moments that everyone in the house will hate you and you’ll be the first one to spout off the classic, “I didn’t come here to make friends” line.
-Emily – Blonde, one shoulder dress (excellent choices) and a cute intro with the first kiss of the night. Good work.
-Samantha – Looks like a 7 year old girl playing dress up in her mother’s awful silk gown AND she’s wearing her “Miss Pacific Palisades” sash, but she informs Ben that she’s not JUST a pageant girl. Yeah! Because nothing shows that you’re multi-faceted and not JUST a pageant girl like wearing your frigging pageant sash to a cocktail party.
-Casey S – Blonde in a weird drapey dress. Bringing a whole lot of nothing to the table.
-Amber – Big hair (I love a girl who doesn’t shy away from a Bump It) and a cute yellow dress with interesting cut-outs in the back. She does a loop and makes a joke about love at first sight. That move definitely feels like something the producers told her to do, but it’s not awful. Which brings us to…
-Holly – Wears a hat and seems to be sent from the Tourism Council of Kentucky. No thanks.
-Jamie – Somewhat cheesy brunette in a red dress who is very “awww shucks” sweet and earnest. Seems like a nice gal.
-Shira – An actress who, upon meeting Ben, immediately says that she knows EVERYTHING about wine, then asks him to quiz her. He asks her a genuine wine expert question and she then confesses that she actually knows nothing about wine. HILARIOUS! What a fun, memorable impression to make on Ben, Shira! Make him feel threatened and pretend that you’re better than him AT HIS LIFE'S WORK, then confess that you’re just a boring loser with no ability to greet someone and make socially inclusive small talk. See ya in hell!
-Blakeley – She has great cheekbones and a great dress, but her listed job is “VIP cocktail waitress,” which means one thing: she’s a hooker.
-Brittney – Cute blonde who sends her grandmother out first, then emerges from the limo and says he cares about her family. That’s really unique, as the other 24 women all murdered their families to get on the show.
-Nicki – Brunette with big eyes in a yellow dress. Fine.
-Dianna – Wearing a white, silk, blah dress and completely forgettable. Sorry.
-Jennifer – Navy dress, reddish hair, corny joke about how she’s an accountant and numbers, but not terrible.
-Lyndsie – She begins the parade of women whose parents didn’t know how to spell “Lindsey.” Oh man this girl is a nightmare. We saw her in a segment earlier (in which she wore multiple costumes and pulled the “fingers as guns” thing—2nd time that has come up in this ONE episode!) which can only be described as the most painfully awkward and lame thing I have seen since middle school, when painful awkwardness was going down 24/7. She then proceeds to make it worse by reading a corny poem. Why don’t you just hop back in the limo now, Liiindysiiiie, cause I can smell your rejection a mile away.
-Anna – Super cute blonde in a one-shoulder dress who simply walks by without introduction. Ben plays it like a champ, shouting, “That’s a bold move!” Ben, you’re a lot cooler than I gave you credit for last season when I referred to you as “One Half of the Monkey Twins.” Water under the bridge? Cool, man.
-Monica – She turns out to be the villain of the episode, but right now she’s just a medium pretty girl who wears a gym class-style ponytail and chintzy jewelry to a televised cocktail party.
-Jaclyn – Blonde in a black dress. Highly forgettable.
-Shawn – Blonde with two-tone brunette underneath (a look that I love, even though it’s synonymous with white trash) in a green dress. She’s looking good and she slugs Ben on the arm as she walks away. I dig her.
-Kacie – Super cute brunette in a gorgeous, sparkly dress. She looks like a poor man’s Minka Kelly, and that shall be her nickname for the rest of the season.
-Lindzi – Goodness can we be done with these misspelled names? She rides in on a horse, ensuring that beneath her horse riding hat, she’ll have flat hair. It’s YOUR funeral, girl. All of the other women immediately hate her because she rode in on a friggin’ horse. I’m with them. I always wonder if people who ride/keep horses really LOVE horses, or if they just really LOVE reminding people that they’re rich.
The typical “Bachelor” cocktail party ensues, with stilted conversations, drunken ladies, and tension. Jenna and Monica get into a bit of an altercation because Jenna doesn’t know how to set healthy boundaries when she’s around a toxic psycho. Jenna girl—you gotta never let ‘em see you sweat. If you disagree with someone and that person is turning kinda mean, just put up a wall and walk away. Don’t get into it. I learned this in about 2006. It’s useful. Monica turns out to be a total weirdo creeper (in addition to the fact that she’s passive aggressive AND has the hair and make-up skills of a 6th grader AND she still rocks a triple pierce in her ear at age 33) and throws herself at Blakeley, who’s probably used to such antics from her job as a “VIP Cocktail Waitress.” Jenna ends up crying alone in a bathroom and kinda being “that girl,” then not reapplying her lipstick. If nothing else, reapply the lipstick, girl! She’s then late for the rose ceremony, which Chris Harrison would probably exclaim is, “UNPRECEDENTED IN BACHELOR HISTORY!” Before that we also saw Shawn kick around the ‘ole soccer ball with Ben (surprisingly enough, that ISN’T a euphemism for a sexual act), Lindzi get a first impression rose, and Emily say, “There’s a gangsta side to me,” then proceed to rap an original “jam” (barf) to Ben. Holy dumb chills, Batman.
Who got the boot?
-Amber the Canadian and her lame bacon jokes. Sorry, fake Stevie Nicks.
-Amber with the big hair and cute yellow dress. WHY DOES BEN HATE AMBERS? Does he hate the 311 song “Amber” too? I know this won’t win me any “cool points,” but I like that song. SHUT UP!
-Holly with the hat and Kentucky obsession. Apparently home state pride does not an interesting person make.
-Shira the actress/liar who actually knows nothing about wine. YES! EAT IT! Good work, Benjamin.
-Dianna in the bad white dress. Meh.
-Lyndsie the biggest dork I have ever seen. Go dip your toe into a nerdier dating pool. (I'm a jerk, I know.)
-Anna the blonde who didn’t bother introducing herself. That might work at the local pub, but not on THE BACH!
This recap is already absurdly long, so I gotta wrap up. If the preview montage for the season told us anything, it’s that this is going to be a season with an unprecedented number of “hand-over-mouth-in-shock” moments! Get ready!
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