Bach Ben: Episode 2

READERS!

I know that I’m late with this week’s Bachelor recap, but I wish you’d get off my friggin’ back for a change. Ya want to know what this week is like for me? I have 5 shows, an open mic, a workout class (cause I binged over Christmas and I can’t afford to buy new jeans for my newly XL caboose), I have a work Christmas party (late, I know), and my sister is going to be on “The Office” on NBC. So get off my case! I’m just trying to juggle a lot of shiz while also writing these recaps. (Note: I love berating my imagined readers. It’s a hobby. You don’t mind, do you?)

Enough about me, let’s talk about the prodigal son of Sonoma, BEN FLANIK! In this, the 2^nd episode of the season, the 18 women are released from the Bachelor compound and told go, “Go North, young sexpots!” up to Sonoma, CA. The ladies hitch a flight and hop in a parade old timey convertibles in which they openly chug booze. Does Sonoma have no open container laws? Apparently not! When you’re on “The Bachelor,” the rules no longer apply! They roll up to their home for that week, a gorgeous winery mansion where Ben is waiting.

The first 1:1 date is given to poor man’s Minka Kelly, Kacie B. Ben picks her up and drives her to the less-than-bustling downtown of Sonoma. Holy crypes that town square is dead. Nothing says romance and excitement like roaming down some dark, empty streets like you’re in that awful horror movie from 2004 that starred Paris Hilton and that dude from “One Tree Hill” who was married to that girl from “One Tree Hill” for like, three seconds. (Does anyone know what I mean? I can’t find the title anywhere but I know I went on a date to see that movie--blech.) They stop into a candy shop (holy 6^th grade style date, Batman!) where a baton just happens to be lying around. Good thing Kacie B. was an award-winning baton twirler in her youth (she’s from Tennessee, are you at all surprised by this fact?) and she’s happy to do some tricks. The then attempts to teach Ben how to twirl at baton, proving the age-old theory: what doesn’t work in an improv scene (teaching) also doesn’t make for good reality TV. They head into a deserted restaurant and eat dinner (served by GHOSTS, no doubt) where Kacie says, “I’m a hopeless romantic,” which is code for, “I have no ambitions of my own and will happily move to wherever the heck you want to live, beloved guy I have known for 4 days now.” Then it’s off to the movie theater where the forced intimacy keeps on coming, as they watch video clips of their own childhoods. Of course, the tears start flowing when Ben’s father is on camera and honestly, this part felt a little beyond the pale to me. That’s some really heavy, personal stuff for Ben to see while the cameras are rolling. I had a flashback to the best movie of all time, Stealing Home (1988) when teenage Billy and his mother stumble upon an old video of their recently deceased father and they both lose it. Incidentally, “Stealing Home” has a hella good soundtrack. But I digree. If there’s one thing that we learned from Jake & Vienna’s first date on “The Bachelor” a few seasons back, it’s that heavy stuff on a 1^st date really bonds people. And so it is with poor man’s Minka and Ben. They watch some vids of Ben’s deceased father, then have a HOT make out session. Weird. But they’re bonded—you can tell. She scores a rose and is safe for the week.

Up next is a group date where Ben forces about a dozen of the women to perform in a horrible community theater play written by CHILDREN. You know your career is DEAD when you’re performing a friggin’ matinee in a rinky dink theater in the deadland of Sonoma and the “playwrights” wear Umbros and don’t understand the notion of sarcasm. But none of these women are trying to be Meryl Streep, so I guess it doesn’t matter. Blakeley, though, appears to be angling for a role in a porn, which gets her cast as the gingerbread man in the play. Yes, friends, she wore a TINY jumper to this challenge and her cleavage was OUT and ABOUT. The “audition” for this play is like an improv nightmare, during which each woman stands on stage alone while the children SCREAM out what animal or person she should imitate. If I were one of those ladies, I’d probably be like, “OK—I’m out,” at that point. I can handle screaming crowds at a comedy club, but shrieking children? No thank you.

[Re: above photo: THAT IS MY HELL]

Meanwhile, back the house, Erika (gun-shooting fingers Chicago girl from last week), Courtney (the model who can’t stop MODELING and reminding people that she’s a MODEL), poor man’s Minka Kelly, and another lady or two are stuck chilling at the house. Courtney is being a completely bitchface and trying to make Lindzi (rode in on a horse, too much bronzer) feel insecure. The next date card arrives and poor man’s Minka retrieves it. She reads the card, which says that Courtney will be going on the next 1:1 and then Courtney says, “How did that taste in your mouth?” Eww. Are you kidding? Poor man’s Minka reacts just as I would have, and she’s like, “Excuse me?” At this point, a normal person might crack a joke or become embarrassed by how creepy their last comment was, but not Courtney. She repeats the phrase, verbatim. I WISH that poor man’s Minka had been like, “Reminds me, which one of us has a rose right now? SHUT YOUR FACE!” The producers then cut to footage of Courtney saying that she’s really competitive. Of COURSE you’re that kind of girl. Oh sweet Jesu I hate you. I hate hate hate super competitive people. They’re so boring and tiresome and needlessly intense. How about you do you and I’ll do me, and there’s no need to keep a tally of where you stack up against others, OK?

Meanwhile, back at the staging of, “Prince Pinot of Bachelorville” (I’m not making that up—that’s legitimately the name of the horrible play that these kids wrote. I bet these moron tykes don’t even know what Pinot IS! The only good thing about that show is the costuming, which are covering up Blakeley’s implants, much to her dismay.) Somehow the awful show gets a standing ovation from the culture-starved peoSonoma audience and then it’s time for the wrap party. It’s a typical “Bachelor”-style wrap party: a lot of group arrogance and satisfaction about what they accomplished that day (which was practically nothing) plus BOOZE! And bikinis! Blakeley is the first to slip into a (cheesy, frilly) bikini and throw herself at Ben, but the other gals quickly follow suit. (SWIMSUIT JOKES!) She blames her pushy behavior on the fact that she’s a Scorpio, but we all know it’s because she didn’t get enough attention during her childhood. Jaclyn (blonde, kinda bland) turns out to be my new favorite lady, as she spouts off some hilarious comments and I notice that she’s a MASSHOLE! Hell yeah! She’s from Newton! Holy crap, I probably called her white trash in a high school field hockey game back in the 90s! (Only kidding—Newton kids are just as rich and insufferable as Weston kids, so I probably said nothing to her.) The anti-Blakeley gems that we hear at the wrap party include, “Blakely is super fakely” (from Jaclyn) and that she’s a “candy striping hooker” and “very horsey” (from Samantha). Samantha and Jaclyn are calling her out and I LOVE IT. Blakeley manages to score a rose from Ben, though, proving that no matter how cool and no-bullshit you think a dude might seem, he’ll always fall for a set of boobs shoved in his face. Le sigh.

The next day, Courtney and Ben go on their 1:1, during which Courtney runs her fingers through her hair over and over again, while attempting to sound humble and down-to-Earth. She wears short-shorts on the date with Ben and I gotta say, girl could stand to run a few laps and tone up a bit. I sound like a jerk, I know. Courtney is what my best friend Suzanne and I would call a “Fat Skinny” (which is a person who is thin, but has ZERO tone or muscle definition). Ben and Courtney walk through the woods, ride a tractor, then eat a candlelit dinner beneath a tree, during which Ben says that she’s, “almost too good to be true,” which is a correct assessment cause girl is a psychopath underneath it all. She’s got a flat voice, no emotion, and everyone hates her. How many more clues do you need, Ben?

This recap is ridic long, as always. Let’s wrap it up. Time for the cocktail party, where horse-rider Lindzi tries a little too hard to play the “country girl” card, saying that dirt is her normal make-up (oh man shut UP), she’s a self-described country girl (again, zip it), and she drives a Ford F-350 (FINE—now I’m jealous. But where do you park that thing? I used to date a guy who drove an F-150 (sigh… sweet Luke in Southie) and parking that truck was a nightmare. Especially when we took it into Chinatown—bad idea). Blakeley takes up a lot of Ben’s time at the cocktail party, which sucks since she already has a rose. Samantha attempts to tell Ben how much she hates drama and Jenna tells Ben that she’s really a man (weird conversation). Monica wears chintzy jewelry (the one constant on this show). Everyone makes fun of Blakeley’s “VIP hooker” title and the tension is thick.

Finally it’s rose-giving time and Chris Harrison is here to shut down the party. The ladies line up and Ben starts doling out the roses. No big surprises in the order and selection. Who are the two ladies that get sent home? Shawn (the two-tone single mom who seems wicked chill but perhaps didn’t fight hard enough) and Jenna (the perpetually drunk/weepy NYC blogger who can never seem to get it together and needs to see her colorist PRONTO cause those bizarre ombre highlights aint doing her any favors). No big surprises there.

I’ll be quicker with the recap next week, I promise!! xoxo