Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Bach Recap: No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Hello pussycats!

As usual, apologies for the delay on this Bachelor recap. Sometimes life gets in the way, am I right? Does that sound like the great subtitle for a movie about taking chances on love? Am I so obsessed with the “Rule of Threes” that I’m finishing off those two questions with a third?

This week we traveled from Sonoma, California to Park City, Utah to experience the great outdoors in a state where polygamy laws are loose as hell (maybe? I actually know nothing about polygamy laws and I don’t have a fact checker for this ‘ole blog, so just pull a Steve Winwood and roll with it baby. Do I hate myself for the idiocy that I just shoved between these two parentheses? Yes). Chris Harrison welcomes the remaining women to their ski chalet/ concubine pen and informs them that this week there will be 1 group date and two 1:1 dates. He also warns the gals to make the most of their time with Ben (read: HJs?) because you never know it that will be your last alone time AND because a few unlucky ladies won’t be invited on ANY dates this week. Hope they like chillin’ at the chalet and having no access to pop culture!

The first 1:1 date goes to Rachel (blonde, NYC-based girl who used to work in fashion, but quit her job to go on The Bachelor—NO PRESSURE!) and Ben picks her up at the chalet, then they hop in a helicopter and ride off into the sunset like Magnum P.I. The other girls watch them fly away, and one laments, “I want to go on a helicopter… I’ve never been on a helicopter.” Girlie, I’ve never been held up at knife point, but I’m chill with never experiencing that. Just because you’ve never done it doesn’t mean you WANT to do it. But I digress. Ben and Rachel get dropped off at a lovely pond where they canoe and canoodle while bugs swarm them. Can you feel the love? They sit lakeside and stare at each other awkwardly while drinking champagne. Then it’s off to have dinner inside a structure that looks like a sweat lodge where one would go to hallucinate and meet his/her spirit guide (WHO took Native American Religious Traditions in college? THIS GIRL!). Conversation continues to be stilted and Rachel admits that she’s not very good at opening up, yet somehow she still scores a rose. Eh—she’s cute.

The next day is a group date of horseback riding and fly fishing for Jamie (sweet nurse), Casey S (blonde, flying under radar), Blakeley (prostitute), Lindzi (bronzer overdose), Samantha (Miss Pacific Palisades), Nicki (cute brunette), Kacie B (poor man’s Minka) and Courtney (overrated sociopath). Self-described country girl Lindzi is PSYCHED! Ben makes a dramatic entrance on horseback (during which the horse practically bucks him off) and informs the gals of the excitement in store. Riding horses, then putting on a condom-like bodysuit known as a WADER for fly-fishing! Courtney thinks that the other ladies aren’t “angling” (fishing joke! Up top!) for Ben’s attention enough, so she asks him to teach her about fishing. By the grace of Beelzebub, she manages to catch a fish which she and Ben then both kiss, the customary post-fishing celebration nowhere. The ladies enjoy some drinks stream-side and then change for the after party at the Waldorf Astoria in Park City. Yes, there’s a Waldorf Astoria in Utah—does that feel completely bizarre to anyone else?

At the after party, Nicki pulls Ben aside to talk living life to the fullest and they both agree that it’s a great idea. Wait, was that a conversation or the lyrics to a Nickelback song? Their brilliant conversation is interrupted by perpetual wet rat, Miss Pacific Palisades (but she’s more than pageant girl, YOU GUYS!) Samantha. She comes in, guns blazing, and asks Ben why she has been on three group dates in a row and no 1:1 dates. During their conversation, she licks her lips a LOT (my friend Greg and I counted THREE licks) and almost growls, Courtney Stodden-style. Yikes. Ben gets very defensive and you can tell that she’s only around because she has flown under the radar, but he’s definitely not feeling it. Ben tells Samantha that she doesn’t seem very interested in him and suggests that perhaps she should go. Awww SNAP! If there’s one thing that Chris Harrison and I both love, it’s an unexpected, rash rejection. Samantha cries as she packs up her pageant sashes and oversized dresses and Ben puts her in a car. What a shake up!

Interspersed throughout the episode are clips of the gals back at the house hanging out, drinking wine, and chatting. In every shot, Courtney is holding tension in her lips and reminding everyone that she has had a LOT of boyfriends, she rarely hangs out with women, and she feels like she’s in a sorority house. No Courtney, this isn’t like a sorority house because in a sorority house, the other ladies CHOOSE you and LIKE you, which would never happen for YOU, my insufferable model friend. Sadly, Courtney pulls out the neediness card with Ben and he falls for it, giving her the lone available rose on that group date.

The final 1:1 date goes to cute, redhead accountant Jennifer. They enter a cave/pond area (adorned with “NO TRESPASSING” signs that the Production Assistants must have purchased at the nearest Office Max) and rappel into it. Any chance to put on a crotch harness, Ben takes it. They drop into the cave-covered pond and furiously tread water while kissing. After that, it’s off to a small Clay Walker concert (he’s country singer whose best known song is probably “She Won’t Be Lonely Long.” A song that, I’ll admit, I friggin’ love), then dinner. Jennifer is cute, warm, chill, and positive, so I’m sure her days are numbered. She manages to score a rose this go-round, though.

Back at the house, Courtney is alienating herself further in the living room while Emily gets her roots taken care of in the bathroom ON CAMERA! Now THERE is a girl after my heart. Blakeley must be only a part-time prostitute b/c she’s doing a partial foil on Emily and she’s skilled! This is a ski chalet full of randoms that I could jive with! Elyse and Monica hang out in the bathroom and the 4 ladies agree that Courtney is one way around Ben (semi-tolerable) and another way in the house with the ladies (misery). Emily says that someone should talk to Ben about this discrepancy.

It’s cocktail party time and Rachel, Courtney, and Jennifer all have roses. One lady will be sent home tonight, and who can it be now? During her alone time with Ben, Emily mentions that Courtney is really miserable to all of the women in the house, but changes personality when Ben is around. There’s one of those two-faced, anti-social people in EVERY season of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and, unfortunately, the person who blows the whistle is usually seen as the bad guy, somehow. As my dad says, “No good deed goes unpunished.” And so it is with Emily and Ben’s conversation. Ben gets very defensive (again) and tells Emily only to worry about herself because if she gets wrapped up in other people, she’ll be upset by it. I totally get the “eyes on your own paper” thing (and it’s come up in my life a lot recently), but in this scenario, it’s damn hard and Emily isn’t the bad guy here! Later in the cocktail party, Emily confides in Jamie and Casey S. that she told Ben about Courtney’s two-faced tendencies. Casey S. then tells Courtney, and Courtney’s weird lip movements get even weirder. All of the ladies are sitting around when poor man’s Minka Kelly asks an innocuous question about this journey, learning about yourself, and Courtney uses that as a springboard to rip into Emily. Emily plays it off well and Courtney walks off saying, “WINNING!” which makes me assume that this scene was filmed right in the thick of the Charlie Sheen madness. Yeah, Courtney, break out the most overused, trite catch-phrase uttered by an aging drug addict to show how much you’re ON TOP!

It’s rose ceremony time and Ben starts doling out roses to the usual suspects: Lindzi, Jamie, Nicki, Kacie B, Elyse, Blakeley, Casey S. It’s down to Monica and Emily. Woa. Emily went from top of the heap to bottom of the barrel quickly. Ugh. I hope that Ben is watching all of the footage now and is horrified at Courtney’s antics. Emily scores the final rose, though. Who’s WINNING now, Jesse Metcalf’s ex-girlfriend? Monica leaves and cries in the limo, which must bring a giant smile to blogger Jenna’s face, wherever she might be.

They all toast and Ben announces that crew is going to Puerto Rico! Courtney immediately says that she was just there two months ago! Shut your weird mouth!

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