The Bachelor Pad is here!

Like a deliberately romantic version of Real World vs. Road Rules, The Bachelor Pad burst on the scene last night and did not disappoint. Chris Harrison (and co-host Melissa what’s-her-name who got proposed do, then given the Heisman to in favor of the other chick who had been previously negged as well) rolled out the red carpet of the Bachelor mansion for the rejects from previous seasons. We got some great characters! The line-up includes:

Tenley – the Cuddlebug who got negged by Jake. Her bubbliness used to be cute, now it’s excessive. Take it easy, girl.

Jesse B – hot youngster with tats! What are you, a bike messenger OF LOVE?

Natalie – I don’t even know you and I already hate you! Only thing she’s got going for her: blonde hair.

David – THE HOT PSYCHO RETURNS! I am SOOO excited about the return of hot-blooded (hot blooded!) David Good. I’m ashamed to admit that I did some web research (light stalking) of our favorite tattooed thug after he was booted off the Bachelorette w/ Jillian.

Gwen – Age is listed as “??” and she’s from season 2. She seems sweet, but her presence in the Bachelor mansion is like the time I attended my sorority’s reunion party last winter. The girls were all super sweet, but frickin’ 22 to my 29. I felt like an old lady, so I had to pull an Irish goodbye (even though there were hot DU brothers heading to the bar. Times have changed, huh?)

Jessie S – Brunette girl. Quite forgettable, but hotter than her last time on TV.

Weatherman – This seems to be his name?? Apparently he and Craig M had some beef during the (just completed) Ali season of The Bachelorette. My gaydar went BERZERKER when this guy walked in. Does anyone believe the ruse that he’s straight?

Nikki – dark hair and an unfortunate double-chin. Girl, here’s a secret: go on a diet of coffee & cigarettes. You want proof it works? Check out my college photos sophomore year through senior year. Don’t you DARE pull out freshman year photos—that was back when I thought that eating white rice 3 meals/day would make me thin because, well, look at all those Ethiopians in those commercials in the 1980s. And how did I get into college????

Juan – He and Nikki apparently dated briefly. Drama! He’s still a total wimp. I hope David gives him another lecture about “man code.” (Swoon! Yes, sometimes I hate myself, too.)

Wes – refers to himself as “America’s favorite villain.” More like, the lamest thing to come outta Austin, TX and the only dude who can’t tan.

Krisily – Charlie season? Huh? Nice hair… for a brunette.

Elizabeth – Holy brassy hair! She looks like what happened to Brenda Walsh in that episode of 90210 when she tired to go from brunette to blonde AT HOME. Bad news. I remember her from Jake’s season—she was the middle-school-style dater who was obsessed with game-playing. Blech.

Jesse K – HOT! Apparently he and Elizabeth have hooked up on a Bachelor cruise (don’t even get me started on how pathetic THAT is).

Kiptyn – Hell yeah! I love that guy! Still lookin’ dope!

Ashley – Jake’s season. Brunette and obviously, quite forgettable, as I can’t remember anything about her.

Peyton – Blonde, cute, seems bland.

Michelle – crazypants from Jake’s season! Single White Female!

Gia – SO overrated! And apparently she has a boyfriend now??

Craig M – hair to rival Pauly D’s. Could it possibly be MORE obvious that he and the Weatherman hooked up during Ali’s bachelorette and Craig M is a self-hating gay man? Seriously, people! Wake up!

OK, let’s keep this quick for today. All these peepers will be living in a house (and sleeping on bunk beds in the same room) and competing against each other for $250,000.00. Each week there will be a competition and the winner gets a rose, then gets to ask 3 people onto a 3-on-1 date (CREEPY RATIO!) On said date, the 1 person will be permitted to give a rose to one of the three, ensuring his/her safety. So then when elimination comes around, both rose holders are safe and 1 girl is voted off and 1 guy is voted off (by their peers). Got it?

First challenge is a giant game of Twister and we are given a whole lotta booby shots. David reminds us that he has a sick body and nice tattoos. The final two players in the Twister game are Craig M and Jessie. They agree to take each other on the date if they win the challenge. Craig wins the challenge and gets some awkward attention from all the ladies that night. Michelle reminds us that she’s crazy when she rubs his arm awkwardly and sings, “Tomorrow is coming…” Huh? Everybody goes to bed and Tenley THINKS she hears Craig & Michelle kissing. Not sure where that came from, but the rumor is all over the house by breakfast and Michelle is PISSED. That night, Michelle confronts Tenley in the bathroom, slamming the door and calling her bleeped out words (woa ABC! Getting edgy!).

But back to the 3-on-1 date. Craig asks three ladies on the date—Jessie, Elizabeth (because she was yelling at him and he wants to change her opinion), and Gwen (to get to know her). Elizabeth is stuck in 6^th grade mode and needs every guy to worship her, which annoys me even more than her awful dye job.

Jesse (hot tat boy) and Natalie are apparently dating, as they kiss before bed, crash together, and spout off simple, moronic confessions of love in front of a fire.

David cracks me up when he says, “I’m just looking for love!” as a joke.

The date foursome hit the beach, then go to a concert. Elizabeth pulls out the manipulation cards like Ben Affleck playing poker (back when he was really into that) and Craig says that the only girl he’d kiss (of the three) is her. DUDES! STOP FALLING FOR GIRLS LIKE THIS, I BEG YOU! You say you hate game playing, then you fall for this crap left & right. Sigh. Craig gives a rose to Jessie, so they get a private concert by the Alex Band (BARF) while Gwen & Elizabeth head back to the mansion. The whole way, Elizabeth goes off on a diatribe about how she can’t believe that SHE wasn’t given the rose, apparently wholly unaware that GWEN JUST GOT NEGGED, TOO. Man oh man she sucks.

Krisily says that she wants to get rid of the big, hot guys because they are tough competition… and apparently she hates having fun and flirting with hot guys. Wait, did she go to bible camp with me in the early 90s?

Elizabeth plays Jesse like Nintendo (I know that’s a dated reference, but I was a teen in the 1990s! What do you want from me!? I wore a Coffee Bean lipstick!) and somehow manipulates him into apologizing and basically teaming up with her. Huh?

Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony. Who do we lose?

Juan – he used Nikki on a Bachelor cruise, then tried to apologize during this episode, but it was SO obvious that he was just trying to save his own hyde.

Michelle – It came down to Krisilyn and Michelle at the end. Apparently, crazy outweighs bitchy.